I am incredibly secretive. About everything and nothing. If you were to call my house (when ppl still had house phones) and ask me who I was, I would immediately check you for questioning me in my house about who I am-Who did you call numbnut?
I don't appreciate when people ask me where I was, where I am going, or who I was with. The answers are always: Not where you were, not with you, or not you.
Yet this whole dating thing is supposedly some happy event that I'm supposed to be including those that I love in. Letting them get to know this person that I am incorporating into my life.
It was my preference to keep it secret. I just think secrets are better. I also know how incredibly opinionated the people in my life are. But somehow I got convinced or too happy or drunk and I thought it would be ok to start telling people my business. This was a mistake.
An exhausting, maddening, driving me nuts mistake. I should have gone with my first mind and kept my happiness to myself. As I get older its becoming clearer to me that I can only concern myself with my happiness. I am not going to please everyone, there will be lots of people that won't agree or see my perspective on my decisions and I have to be ok with that. Because as long as I am happy with my choices and I haven't broken any spiritual, moral or state laws, then everyone will just have to deal.
And then President Obama interrupts the football game to pay respects to those lost in Newton, CT and whatever issues I thought I had seem incredibly petty, insignificant and inconsequential.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Sunday, December 02, 2012
Q4...
The latter portion of this year has been a doozy. And that is putting it mildly. But I've missed you all so lets just jump in shall we.
1. I always wondered what my reaction would be if either of my parents informed me that they had cancer. I got an opportunity to find that out a few months ago. Answer: Cry and be depressed for 24 hours. Then research the cancer and allow myself to believe that in fact my dad would be just fine. A few weeks after that I got to discover what I would do when I found out my dad had ANOTHER form of cancer in/near a place that is generally considered always fatal. Answer: Cry, pray, and research for a full 24 hours, until I convinced myself and could sound convincing to others that he would be alright. Within days of that diagnosis he had a date for surgery and I was booking a flight to try to get there ASAP.
Surgery was a success and his recovery has gone very well over these last few months. He starts chemo and radiation in the next few weeks. And with each hurdle I'm more sure that its conquerable and that he will get through this as well.
But when I tell you that this has been the most emotionally draining and exhausting process for everyone in my family. To see the strongest man you know so fragile and so unsure is devastating. Its a reminder of how quickly time passes, how often I ignored a phone call, deleted a forwarded email, or just generally acted like a human adult child to retired parents. Despite those retrospective failings my sister and I dropped what we were doing to be as supportive as possible and stay with my parents for as long as we could. Being there and being helpful was the least I could do for people who have done everything for me, but their gratitude and comfort at having us present showed how valuable that time and presence was to them.
His treatment is ongoing, but I have an enormous amount of faith that I will have numerous opportunities to ignore his phone calls and delete his chain forwarded emails for many years to come. It is overwhelming how badly I need these upcoming years.
2. I figured out what I want to do with my life. A friend of mine relocated to DC leaving her job available. She was able to get me an interview for the Attorney Recruiter position with a big firm. I was ecstatic. Got all gussied up and went to the interview. Had an outstanding interview. And did not get the job. They needed someone who could step in and immediately know the ins and outs of the job. That was completely understandable. And i'm so glad that I was able to interview and remember why this is the job that i always wanted to end up in. With that in mind, I applied to some agencies and am in an interview process with one of them. I'm praying/hoping/additionally praying that I get this job. I'm ready to be hype about what I'm doing again, ready to work in an office with other people, ready to have work clothes and do make up daily, have lunch with my friends and colleagues...all those things I took for granted when I worked in an office downtown before. I am so ready for this career change. Join me in prayer won't you.
3. I met Him. The Him that I described in my LIST...yeah that guy. He exists. Surprised the hell out of me too.
I've actually known him since I was a kid, he's been a friend to my cousins since they were all little. Sometime ago my cousin mentioned that he (the Him) lived in my city and we should hook up. My cousin has always found it hilarious to try to hook me up with crazy ppl, so I take any suggestion about men from him with a grain of salt. And by grain of salt I mean I completely ignore him like I do the rantings of any crazy person. So when Him contacted me on Facebook, I was completely indifferent. Chatty and cordial but indifferent. Almost a full year went by of FB messages, declined invites, and failures to pick up a phone and call, until I randomly reached out to invite him for a drink. It was fun, easy, light. Him impressed with my knowledge of hip hop, me impressed with his shoulders and conversation skills. Then there were dates 2-5. Then I left to attend to my parents on the East coast. I knew being away that long would either kill something so new or cause it to speed up. We spent three weeks talking on the phone and texting, allowing the fondness to grow exponentially in the absence. I was sold by the time I got home. I wasn't prepared to admit that I was sold, but I was done for by then. He is amazing. Funny, charming, kind, strong willed, genuine, honest, and not the least bit intimidated or threatened by me. He is good to and for me and I'm in love. That all consuming all you want to talk/think/do is about Him or with Him. I make myself a little sick.
Its moving fast, cause we are old, and have been at this rodeo before. We know ourselves and the kind of relationship we want. We share a religion, commitment to zero kids, and a love of alcohol, music and parties. Really what more is there? I have every intention of marrying this man. Its just a matter of time.
It's been an eventful end of the year. A friend texted me a while ago and asked how was life, I responded: "Life sucks and is awesome at the same damn time." And ain't that the truth all the time? Like my congregation discussed today, all you can do is focus on the positive. Focus on your joy-a joyful heart is a wonderful curer.
1. I always wondered what my reaction would be if either of my parents informed me that they had cancer. I got an opportunity to find that out a few months ago. Answer: Cry and be depressed for 24 hours. Then research the cancer and allow myself to believe that in fact my dad would be just fine. A few weeks after that I got to discover what I would do when I found out my dad had ANOTHER form of cancer in/near a place that is generally considered always fatal. Answer: Cry, pray, and research for a full 24 hours, until I convinced myself and could sound convincing to others that he would be alright. Within days of that diagnosis he had a date for surgery and I was booking a flight to try to get there ASAP.
Surgery was a success and his recovery has gone very well over these last few months. He starts chemo and radiation in the next few weeks. And with each hurdle I'm more sure that its conquerable and that he will get through this as well.
But when I tell you that this has been the most emotionally draining and exhausting process for everyone in my family. To see the strongest man you know so fragile and so unsure is devastating. Its a reminder of how quickly time passes, how often I ignored a phone call, deleted a forwarded email, or just generally acted like a human adult child to retired parents. Despite those retrospective failings my sister and I dropped what we were doing to be as supportive as possible and stay with my parents for as long as we could. Being there and being helpful was the least I could do for people who have done everything for me, but their gratitude and comfort at having us present showed how valuable that time and presence was to them.
His treatment is ongoing, but I have an enormous amount of faith that I will have numerous opportunities to ignore his phone calls and delete his chain forwarded emails for many years to come. It is overwhelming how badly I need these upcoming years.
2. I figured out what I want to do with my life. A friend of mine relocated to DC leaving her job available. She was able to get me an interview for the Attorney Recruiter position with a big firm. I was ecstatic. Got all gussied up and went to the interview. Had an outstanding interview. And did not get the job. They needed someone who could step in and immediately know the ins and outs of the job. That was completely understandable. And i'm so glad that I was able to interview and remember why this is the job that i always wanted to end up in. With that in mind, I applied to some agencies and am in an interview process with one of them. I'm praying/hoping/additionally praying that I get this job. I'm ready to be hype about what I'm doing again, ready to work in an office with other people, ready to have work clothes and do make up daily, have lunch with my friends and colleagues...all those things I took for granted when I worked in an office downtown before. I am so ready for this career change. Join me in prayer won't you.
3. I met Him. The Him that I described in my LIST...yeah that guy. He exists. Surprised the hell out of me too.
I've actually known him since I was a kid, he's been a friend to my cousins since they were all little. Sometime ago my cousin mentioned that he (the Him) lived in my city and we should hook up. My cousin has always found it hilarious to try to hook me up with crazy ppl, so I take any suggestion about men from him with a grain of salt. And by grain of salt I mean I completely ignore him like I do the rantings of any crazy person. So when Him contacted me on Facebook, I was completely indifferent. Chatty and cordial but indifferent. Almost a full year went by of FB messages, declined invites, and failures to pick up a phone and call, until I randomly reached out to invite him for a drink. It was fun, easy, light. Him impressed with my knowledge of hip hop, me impressed with his shoulders and conversation skills. Then there were dates 2-5. Then I left to attend to my parents on the East coast. I knew being away that long would either kill something so new or cause it to speed up. We spent three weeks talking on the phone and texting, allowing the fondness to grow exponentially in the absence. I was sold by the time I got home. I wasn't prepared to admit that I was sold, but I was done for by then. He is amazing. Funny, charming, kind, strong willed, genuine, honest, and not the least bit intimidated or threatened by me. He is good to and for me and I'm in love. That all consuming all you want to talk/think/do is about Him or with Him. I make myself a little sick.
Its moving fast, cause we are old, and have been at this rodeo before. We know ourselves and the kind of relationship we want. We share a religion, commitment to zero kids, and a love of alcohol, music and parties. Really what more is there? I have every intention of marrying this man. Its just a matter of time.
It's been an eventful end of the year. A friend texted me a while ago and asked how was life, I responded: "Life sucks and is awesome at the same damn time." And ain't that the truth all the time? Like my congregation discussed today, all you can do is focus on the positive. Focus on your joy-a joyful heart is a wonderful curer.
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