tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-74239102024-03-13T08:02:13.477-07:00Pish-PoshJenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.comBlogger112125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-7841565758761478222012-12-16T18:54:00.000-08:002012-12-16T18:54:41.693-08:00SecretsI am incredibly secretive. About everything and nothing. If you were to call my house (when ppl still had house phones) and ask me who I was, I would immediately check you for questioning me in my house about who I am-Who did you call numbnut?<br />
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I don't appreciate when people ask me where I was, where I am going, or who I was with. The answers are always: Not where you were, not with you, or not you. <br />
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Yet this whole dating thing is supposedly some happy event that I'm supposed to be including those that I love in. Letting them get to know this person that I am incorporating into my life.<br />
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It was my preference to keep it secret. I just think secrets are better. I also know how incredibly opinionated the people in my life are. But somehow I got convinced or too happy or drunk and I thought it would be ok to start telling people my business. This was a mistake.<br />
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An exhausting, maddening, driving me nuts mistake. I should have gone with my first mind and kept my happiness to myself. As I get older its becoming clearer to me that I can only concern myself with my happiness. I am not going to please everyone, there will be lots of people that won't agree or see my perspective on my decisions and I have to be ok with that. Because as long as I am happy with my choices and I haven't broken any spiritual, moral or state laws, then everyone will just have to deal.<br />
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And then President Obama interrupts the football game to pay respects to those lost in Newton, CT and whatever issues I thought I had seem incredibly petty, insignificant and inconsequential.Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-1763720955753283432012-12-02T20:25:00.001-08:002012-12-02T20:25:03.420-08:00Q4...The latter portion of this year has been a doozy. And that is putting it mildly. But I've missed you all so lets just jump in shall we.<br />
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1. I always wondered what my reaction would be if either of my parents informed me that they had cancer. I got an opportunity to find that out a few months ago. Answer: Cry and be depressed for 24 hours. Then research the cancer and allow myself to believe that in fact my dad would be just fine. A few weeks after that I got to discover what I would do when I found out my dad had ANOTHER form of cancer in/near a place that is generally considered always fatal. Answer: Cry, pray, and research for a full 24 hours, until I convinced myself and could sound convincing to others that he would be alright. Within days of that diagnosis he had a date for surgery and I was booking a flight to try to get there ASAP.<br />
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Surgery was a success and his recovery has gone very well over these last few months. He starts chemo and radiation in the next few weeks. And with each hurdle I'm more sure that its conquerable and that he will get through this as well.<br />
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But when I tell you that this has been the most emotionally draining and exhausting process for everyone in my family. To see the strongest man you know so fragile and so unsure is devastating. Its a reminder of how quickly time passes, how often I ignored a phone call, deleted a forwarded email, or just generally acted like a human adult child to retired parents. Despite those retrospective failings my sister and I dropped what we were doing to be as supportive as possible and stay with my parents for as long as we could. Being there and being helpful was the least I could do for people who have done everything for me, but their gratitude and comfort at having us present showed how valuable that time and presence was to them.<br />
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His treatment is ongoing, but I have an enormous amount of faith that I will have numerous opportunities to ignore his phone calls and delete his chain forwarded emails for many years to come. It is overwhelming how badly I need these upcoming years.<br />
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2. I figured out what I want to do with my life. A friend of mine relocated to DC leaving her job available. She was able to get me an interview for the Attorney Recruiter position with a big firm. I was ecstatic. Got all gussied up and went to the interview. Had an outstanding interview. And did not get the job. They needed someone who could step in and immediately know the ins and outs of the job. That was completely understandable. And i'm so glad that I was able to interview and remember why this is the job that i always wanted to end up in. With that in mind, I applied to some agencies and am in an interview process with one of them. I'm praying/hoping/additionally praying that I get this job. I'm ready to be hype about what I'm doing again, ready to work in an office with other people, ready to have work clothes and do make up daily, have lunch with my friends and colleagues...all those things I took for granted when I worked in an office downtown before. I am so ready for this career change. Join me in prayer won't you.<br />
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3. I met Him. The Him that I described in my <a href="http://jennwill.blogspot.com/2010/02/list.html">LIST</a>...yeah that guy. He exists. Surprised the hell out of me too.<br />
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I've actually known him since I was a kid, he's been a friend to my cousins since they were all little. Sometime ago my cousin mentioned that he (the Him) lived in my city and we should hook up. My cousin has always found it hilarious to try to hook me up with crazy ppl, so I take any suggestion about men from him with a grain of salt. And by grain of salt I mean I completely ignore him like I do the rantings of any crazy person. So when Him contacted me on Facebook, I was completely indifferent. Chatty and cordial but indifferent. Almost a full year went by of FB messages, declined invites, and failures to pick up a phone and call, until I randomly reached out to invite him for a drink. It was fun, easy, light. Him impressed with my knowledge of hip hop, me impressed with his shoulders and conversation skills. Then there were dates 2-5. Then I left to attend to my parents on the East coast. I knew being away that long would either kill something so new or cause it to speed up. We spent three weeks talking on the phone and texting, allowing the fondness to grow exponentially in the absence. I was sold by the time I got home. I wasn't prepared to admit that I was sold, but I was done for by then. He is amazing. Funny, charming, kind, strong willed, genuine, honest, and not the least bit intimidated or threatened by me. He is good to and for me and I'm in love. That all consuming all you want to talk/think/do is about Him or with Him. I make myself a little sick.<br />
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Its moving fast, cause we are old, and have been at this rodeo before. We know ourselves and the kind of relationship we want. We share a religion, commitment to zero kids, and a love of alcohol, music and parties. Really what more is there? I have every intention of marrying this man. Its just a matter of time.<br />
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It's been an eventful end of the year. A friend texted me a while ago and asked how was life, I responded: "Life sucks and is awesome at the same damn time." And ain't that the truth all the time? Like my congregation discussed today, all you can do is focus on the positive. Focus on your joy-a joyful heart is a wonderful curer.Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-87465472651262013322012-08-14T16:20:00.002-07:002012-08-14T16:20:40.019-07:00Come to Jesus...After my bootcamp class workout this morning I was talking to the trainer changing my credit card info b/c apparently I have been shopping so little lately that a trip to costco, some clothes, and some gas all in the same day sent my bank to suspect fraud and halt my account...for the SECOND TIME in one month. Le Sigh...Can I live Bank of America, can I breathe?<br />
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Anyhow the trainer was basically like you COULD have an incredible body if you would stop Bs'ing! (he said it much more diplomatically and complimentary but this was the main point) I work out hard, I could stand to be more consistent but clearly the issue is what I'm doing outside the gym. So what am I doing outside the gym???<br />
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I've been having a torrid and ongoing affair with Vodka since 2002. I love it. It loves me. Who am I kidding, I've been seeing its friends Red Wine, Whiskey and Hennessy as well. *for shame*.<br />
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While I have cut back from my alcohol consumption, apparently its not enough to make a difference in my weight loss/video vixen body status.<br />
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So this morning my trainer took it upon himself to have a come to Jesus meeting with him re: what the heck I'm doing with my fitness life. Its fair. He is interested in my results both as the architect of my new bod and also as someone who would eventually like to get his hands on it.<br />
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But it did jog me back to the reality of what is the point of all this working out if I'm just going to drink away any possible gains I might be making. So he has made the personal training offer, and a diet to follow for 30 days (he'd prefer 45) to see if his way works better than mine. I know that he is right, and that if I followed his directions that I would lose weight...I just don't want to spend the rest of my life only eating brown rice and then exercising like a maniac to work off said rice. But if my body looks like <a href="http://www.atlnightspots.com/anowa-adjah-nigerian-powerhouse-work-out-photo-shoot/">Anowa Adjah </a>(The fit Nigerian or Thick healthy-whatever she calls herself) while I'm eating and then promptly feeling guilty for that rice, won't I be too busy thinking how sexy I am to care? These are the questions.<br />
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Me being a teacher's pet, having someone that I respect and that I am contractually bound to see for the next 6 months hold me responsible for my weight loss is very motivating. Hopefully this little talk will get me going in a legitimately positive direction.Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-48358647729695353312012-08-03T19:52:00.004-07:002012-08-03T19:52:43.773-07:00A few...1. I am sick of being alone. I do sometimes get irked by random couples I see out, on some "she got him, and I'm alone. SERIOUSLY!?" Before being alone was cool b/c I was choosing to be alone, there were ppl I could have been with I just didn't want them. Now, though. There are no ppl. No one is trying to holla, no one is giving me the option to say, naw I'm cool-Thanks though. Nonetheless it is what it is. It doesn't feel like something I have control over, I'll meet someone when I meet someone. But until then I would rather be pessimistic and assume that this is my life get used to it, than to hope for someone who may never come and be disappointed.<br />
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2. I need a new convertible strap bra. The one have now is literally being held together with safety pins. Which means I will have on a fab outfit with a bra underneath that might pop off at any moment. I need to get that together ASAP.<br />
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3. I spoke with my most recent Ex recently. He and his wife just celebrated their one year anniversary. This is the first time since a couple days before his wedding that we have spoken. The last time we spoke he asked if we could come over to my house 'to chill'. I knew at the time that he had a baby on the way and that he would likely marry the mother since that is the type of dude he is. I declined his visit, and immediately he retracted the offer as if he was just playing. You know the old, "I'm just playin'...unless you are going to do it?!" On facebook two days later I saw that he got married. Needless to say we didn't speak for a year. The conversation we had last week was as if we hadn't missed a beat. Jokes from the jump, our old teasing routines about my consistent 0-60 reaction speed, and his inability to be in a relationship longer than 6 months at a time, etc. hilarious stuff. I have a tendancy to make light of this relationship since at the time it seemed like maybe I had imagined the whole thing. He let it go so easily that maybe it was all in my head the whole time. But in our conversation each time I even jokingly suggested that our relationship was anything less than a full fledged relationship he would shut that down immediately. Apparently it wasn't just me. That made me feel good and gave me some closure to that chapter of my life.<br />
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4. Go Gabby!! I recently read Melissa Harris-Perry's book <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Sister-Citizen-Shame-Stereotypes-America/dp/0300165412">Sister Citizen</a> and in it she discussed the notion of Kinship. Its the feeling that many black ppl have that the successes and failures of other black people reflect on them. When we see a black man do well in the world we are proud of him, he is one of 'us' he could be our cousin, brother, or father. Likewise when black men try to rob a Burlington Coat Factory in Inglewood at 8am and hold the employees hostage in a standoff with police-we feel a sense of shame and wonder whose Bebe cousins thought robbing a store BEFORE IT EVEN OPENS was a good idea! So when Gabby Douglas delivers an amazing display of gymnastics it feels like my little sister just did something incredible with the whole world watching. I'm not a nationalistic kind of person, and only watch the Olympics occassionally but I must say-I am some kind of proud of one Gabby Douglas.<br />
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5. I'm old. You wanna know how I know? I went out Friday-Mon this past week and that completely wore me out. Tonight, a Friday night. I am super crunk to stay home and sew tonight. Sewing on a Friday night at home alone. The life of a star I guess.Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-39049735411608504212012-07-20T00:43:00.000-07:002012-07-20T00:43:02.842-07:00You have got to be joking me.<br />
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Over a YEAR. A full YEAR since I've blogged?? What the what?<br />
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I guess that kind of makes sense though. This year has not been my fav and I tend to ignore the bad like a kid ignores vegetables.<br />
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Nonetheless..."its been a long time, I shouldn't have left you".<br />
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The Good:<br />
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I'm alive. That counts, right?<br />
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Actually today is a pretty good day. I feel sorta healthy (don't worry still fat), I'm feeling close to and happy about my family, I feel connected spirituality and close to my congregation, I'm working out with some measure of consistency (my trainer is hot and flirty-I'm finally glad to go to my exercise class). My hair is fab.
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Let's expound on that last one shall we.<br />
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I went to the shop a couple weeks ago after my annual summer attempt at being natural-This time I lasted a whole WEEK! Yay!-for a press and some much needed color. Being its summer and I could use a pick me up, I wanted to go just a LITTLE lighter then my normal copper penny color (think: brand spanking new copper penny and that has been my signature color for the eons that I have been on this earth). My lovely stylist and I have been together for years. She knows that I am vibrant when it comes to hair, when I get a weave I want ALL 8 ounces in my head, the more hair, the more Mufasa/diana ross it is the better I love it. So even though I explicitly said no blonde, I am now blonde. How did I not notice this was happening, you ask. Well my stylist also knows that I don't complain and I don't question. You are the professional I came here to get your services, I intend to allow you to do that with little to no interference from me. So unless the pain is unbearable, or you are completely going off the rails I'm pretty much going to let you do your thing. Letting her do her thing ended up with me being a black girl with a whole crown of blonde hair. Yep, I'm that black girl. The one I swore I would never be, yet here I am. Grey and hazel contacts, have been ordered-I just thought I would complete the look. Ridiculous fake eye color aside, turns out I'm a pretty hot blonde. Who knew.<br />
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Also, a blonde white woman made a joke about being forgetful and being blonde and then turns TO ME and says, "but I don't have to tell you about that". Hahaha.Umm.Wait.What.<br />
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The other new love of my life is SEWING!! My mom was a seamstress the whole while I was growing up. I took a sewing class when I was young wherein we made a <a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=blossom+scrunchies&hl=en&prmd=imvns&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=7wYJUMTzLuTB2QXKqJDqBw&ved=0CFcQ_AUoAQ&biw=1366&bih=643">Blossom scrunchie</a> and a drawstring tote bag and the teacher constantly hounded my "lead foot". I knew then that she and that dumb class were beneath me. What was I supposed to do with a scrunchie?? After that class I think I turned a few pairs of jeans into skirts and maybe made a terrible dress. Other than that sewing gave way to electronics not to be heard from again until last month. I decided when my mother visited that I wanted to learn to sew. When I tell you that this woman was happy. Doesn't even begin to explain it, me sewing with her is THEE happiest/proudest moment of her life. Needless to say it was a fun activity to do together I made a dress, shirt, 3 skirts and a dress by myself after she left.<br />
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Jennwill Black Label Fall 2013. Get your life.<br />
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Despite my crisis of career (more on that later) the amazingness that is my friend(s) have enabled me to take some fantastic trips this year. Spent a week in Puerto Rico in February. Let me tell you, you want to see the perfect mixes of African, Latin, Native, European-go to Puerto Rico. I have never seen that many wildly attractive men in one place. It felt like what being a man in a major city must be like. Also explained Lil Wayne's "I wish I could F every girl in the world"...if the "world" is Puerto Rico and the genders were reversed-I totes get it.<br />
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Then last weekend I went with my book club to Napa and Sonoma. Someone described it as Wine Disneyland. That is completely accurate. You just go from building to building drinking, all day. And no one judges you. The only problem is that now that I am home, I still want to start my day with Champagne and drink various white and red varietals throughout. Why is that wrong? Why does society say that each day can't be a wine tasting day? Darn society. According to my dad it starts with mornings of champagne and turns into Boone's Farm and living outdoors.<br />
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The <strike>Bad</strike> Other:<br />
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Life has been interesting lately. And not interesting in the good way.<br />
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A HUGE part of my life is changing and with it my perception of who I am and what I am about. When life does an about face it calls into question what is success, what makes me happy, who am I, how do I identify myself. I realized that I am a title person. <--- See I LOVE a title to something.<br />
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Jennifer the Title Person<br />
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Put simply I like to exist in a box. I am a woman. I am black. I am a lawyer. Those are my boxes. I don’t mind if you infer whatever you will from those titles, they are who I am and I’m totes cool living in those boxes. They make me feel safe and responsible. See I’m so responsible that despite the first two boxes, I did good for myself!! Be proud of me!<br />
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But what if I’m not a lawyer then what’s my neat little box? Business person? Person with a job? I work at so and so? Those are not well defined boxes. That’s more like a bin, or a tub, or vat. Boo to vats. Boo to my pride. Which was much further grown and rambunctious than I would like to admit. I thought far more of myself than I needed to based upon attaining some sort of ‘accomplishment’ that trust fund kids attain in droves while coked up and barely attending class.<br />
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The reality is my title is just a job. It describes the sort of work I can do. It doesn’t even necessarily describe the work that I actually do. And yet I was married to that title. That title kept me warm at night, fulfilled my need to be ‘about something’, let me check the success box, the self assured, the good head on her shoulders expectation of myself and others. That title was better to me than any boyfriend I’ve ever had. And perhaps that is most akin to what breaking up with this title is like. Its like breaking up with the love of my life-the man I wanted more than anything for years. The man I worked so hard to finally get into my clutches. The man who appeared gorgeous and perfect, who just looked like he would treat me like a dream. Then after I got him I realized he wasn’t shit. He was more trouble than he was worth, he didn’t satisfy me in the least…but when we went out and I got to introduce him around town, I could see his reflection back in the eyes of onlookers and it was good. He made one hell of an impression . But after years of living this pretend life wherein I’m happy with him, we’re breaking up. Did I waste those years getting him and being with him? Does breaking up with him make me some sort of failure? Perhaps I was never good enough to be with him anyway? Etc, etc, etc.<br />
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That’s been my grieving process over the last 8 months or so. And just like a real break up I’m finally feeling better. I’m coming back around. I’m realizing that he simply wasn’t my passion . And when its time to move on its time to move on. Cut your losses and keep it pushing. That is where I am these days. Keeping it pushing. Figuring out my life and moving in a new direction with it. A direction where I enjoy what I do, where I’m not caught up titles, where my ego is not the motivating force in my life decisions.<br />
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Oprah used to talk about how as you age you become less and less concerned with the thoughts and opinions of others and that it was one of the best things about getting older. I can attest to that. I’m 31. I give 50% less fcuks about others opinions about my life then I did when I was 20 or 25. And that is wonderfully liberating. No one else lives, or funds this life of mine. I’m the dictator around these parts.<br />
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Welcome back to my kingdom.Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-88929652722010558552011-05-10T00:06:00.000-07:002011-05-10T02:49:03.251-07:00T.V.I watch a lot of tv. I work from home primarily and need background noise, don't judge me. I can honestly say that most of what is on television is complete crap. <br /><br />Despite this fact I also have a condition wherein if I have begun tivoing a show I feel some sort of compulsion to continue watching it, regardless of how much I dislike the show, how bad it gets, or how many episodes I allow to stack up in my tivo before I begrudgingly watch. Its an odd loyalty that I have to shows that I may have initially been interested in. I just keep hoping that it will get good again, while I sado-masochistically (spelled correctly the first time I typed it! Boom!)watch and endure.<br /><br />One show I have never had to hurt myself by watching is Justified on FX. As a disclaimer I must say that I love nearly all of FX's programming: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The League are two of my favorite comedies on television. Damages had an amazing first season, and though season two started a bit slow I am very much looking forward to the next season. Sons of Anarchy is FANTASTIC. Rescue Me has waned in quality over the past few seasons but the sexinessessess that are Daniel Sunjata and Larenz Tate, are reason enough to continue to tune in-especially when they are often shirtless and/or showering....LAWD.....<br /><br />Getting back to Justified, this is an excellent, layered, well acted, swaggerific, country show. Set in backwoods Kentucky the life and times of Raylan Givens and all of the interesting people that occupy the vortex where his past and present are colliding are an entertaining spectacle to watch. It's one of the shows I look forward to most. Everyone should watch and this season and its finale were a pitch perfect example of why. <br /><br />Some of my other favorite shows include: Breaking Bad (AMC), Dexter (Showtime. I'm a couple seasons behind with Netflix), Modern Family(ABC), Louie(FX), Todd Margaret(IFC), The Good Wife(CBS), and Southland(TNT). These are just what I consider to be the upper echelon of cable/network dramas and comedies, and barely scratch the surface of the complete list of things that I tivo. Again, stop judging me.<br /><br />In other TV related issues, I don't know how other cities do it? How does Orlando not just have mass suicides, or Boston over the past couple years? Knowing your team is good enough to win it all, when you are used to winning, when your team is the team to beat, and then they actually get beat....Like Leann Rimes, how do I live?? My dad told me that years of having the Rams in LA prepared him for losses like this. That was before my time of caring about football. Apparently I should have paid attention, for I am not taking this well. And for my non LA readers, I am uber sincere in my uber sensitivity to this issue...I will Andrew Bynum you, tread lightly.<br /><br />I am happily on the much better side of strep throat. For whatever reason I didn't take my hypochondriac illness obsessed self to the doctor in any sort of timliness, so by the time I went to the doctor swallowing anything for any reason literally rocked my body, mind and spirit. It was awful. The ONLY upside is that I couldn't eat, and even as I got better eating still wasn't appealing due to my throat still being sore. Now my throat isn't all that sore but my appetite is tiny...I feel like Mary Kate and Ashley in this piece! I'm about to be strep throat chic for the summer!Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-41547126431196583012011-04-29T18:07:00.000-07:002011-04-29T18:16:17.507-07:00...Of Pimps and....So its Friday morning I have a hearing downtown LA, so as my usual I hop the lovely blue line to save me the gas and parking (as an added bonus I get to read and see my people). As I'm walking to buy my ticket I hear two dudes talking on the steps to the platform, one comes over to where I am to watch me and the other stays put. <br /><br />Now I know that there is no way not to cross their path so I get my game face on, brace myself for the duo ghetto combo. I'm not sure if I'm the only one who notices this but there is strength in numbers-you pass one ghetto dude and you might get some whispered comments in your direction, perhaps even an outloud "hey girl!" But that's really about it. You pass through two or more and they feed off one another, they are commenting about you/at you as much for your benefit as for each other.<br /><br />And sure enough I hit the stairs and the youngest one thinks I am beautiful, sexy, I've got it like that, damn girl, etc. The older just keeps looking at my behind and smacking his mouth sucking his teeth. I pass quickly yet politely say good morning to both. As I'm near the top of the stairs and all they can see is my behind walking up stairs (is there a better viewpoint of me? Doubtful.) The younger says "you are the definition of a beautiful black woman". Nice! Right?! The older says in reply "naw she ain't that fine." Oh. Ok.<br /><br />So now I'm on the platform reminding myself that I am in fact not that cute. And here comes the older one walking toward me...in what can only be described as a pimps ode to the Lakers (I take Laker love in all forms), an enormous rayon/poly blend purple and yellow button up (I almost wrote "dress shirt", but that just couldn't possibly be right) that nicely complemented the tattoo under his right eye and the one on his neck.<br /><br />So he's asking me what I do, informs me that he is a pimp (said with all seriousness) and that he is moving to vegas for one month to make a quick 30k and then he's coming back here, maybe. Ok two things: if you can go somewhere and make 1000 per day, why would you leave that place? Secondly, is it "moving" if you are only staying 30days?<br /><br />Anyhow, we chat. He apparently thinks I'm L7 (a square), convo wanes. My train comes and I'm like well I catch it down here so bye, he replies "go on then, ain't noby keeping you here!" Now mind you, it was all said with a smile in a jokey way but still it was like all chatty, chatty cool and then 'bitch get on!' Oh. Ok. <br /><br />As I'm walking away I chunk him the dueces and turns out this means that I do know more then I'm letting on, with this one motion I negate my L7 status. So he comes walking over yelling about "oh you just gone chuck me the deuces, see you need a backhand (while making the motion), you need to be put in line, etc." I chuckle and state that I'm a suburb girl who knows nothing about nothing, I'm from Rancho Cucamonga with a little Pomona thrown in. His reply: "oh you got Ptown in there, Sugafree damn near invented this pimpin' ish."<br /><br />By now I'm getting on the train and realizing that he is getting on train with me and the train car is EMPTY. Great, just what I wanted alonetime with a pimp. On an empty train one would think he would sit in front of me or across the isle, nope he sits right next to me. Now I have to figure out a nice way to tell him to get away from me and sit elsewhere, b/c I've seen "American Pimp" and I know how it can switch from all good to all bad in a second. And I really didn't want to start my morning in a slap fight with a pimp showing unintentional Laker love.<br /><br />He says "I'm Bougie by the way." I didn't know if he meant that as an adjective or...then I realized it was his name. NICE. And to further impress upon me his stupendous level of class, "feel my shirt...this shit is soft...you feel that?" Sadly I think he was under the impression it was silk...it wasn't. <br /><br />In the meantime he is wiping his running nose and I spy what I think is my way out of sitting with him..."are you sick?" I ask? "I don't want to be sick!" He assures me that he's not sick his nose is just running from the cocaine from last night. I also learned that coke goes well with filet mignon (and he pronounced it pheonetically mig-non...how the classy do it), and causes you to wake up angry. Now I've seen "what's love go to do with it" as well and recall what coked up Ike did to Tina...needless to say I settled into my ride with a pimp named Bougie and decided to endure his closenss. <br /><br />For a brief moment we had a pleasant and rational conversation about the merits of the straight life, and traveling, and as the next stop came near he turns his full body toward me and says:<br /><br />"So uh, you ain't gettin no younger, so whatchu wanna do?"<br /><br />I have no clue what he meant by that, I don't understand the context, I don't know if he meant was I planning on continuing the straight life vs. joining him, if he meant was I planning on joining him for the day, if I wanted to come to vegas with him for his "move", or simply if I was going to give him my phone number. I don't know, and will never know b/c I fell out laughing, loudly, full head back tilt, mouth open. He laughed at me laughing but I think it was a serious question.<br /><br />The stop came, he hugged me goodbye, wished me a nice day and left to me still cracking up. <br /><br />Later in the day I'm telling my cousin and her Australian boyfriend about a pimp named Bougie that I met on the train, and boyfriends immediate response was: "Pimps ride the train?" Oh but they do, oh but they do.Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-7215623403136870162011-04-11T20:56:00.000-07:002011-04-11T22:18:05.823-07:00Spring...He's having a baby. <br /><br />The most recent love of my life called to let me know that he is expecting a baby in October. <br /><br />I have been done with our relationship since Feb. 2010, yet we have remained friends, phone calls, a couple dinners, lunches, etc. Our "break-up" wasn't contentious, he did precisely what I knew he would and it was over just like that. When he reappeared as he always does I stuck to my "I'm totally over you and this relationship" guns and eventually my heart cooperated with where my head was. My heart frequently regressed but fortunately my head was resolute and I never acted on those ill advised setbacks. <br /><br />So now we find ourselves chatting about life and what nots. He still trying to weasel his way back into my good graces/bed and me shutting him down just short of begging. I find it impossible not to be his friend at the very least. All the things that made me love him are still the same, he is still funny, charming, caring, supportive, so on and so forth. Therefore to me our friendship is perfectly natural, he did somethings in our relationship that I didn't appreciate but he is still one of my favorite people.<br /><br />One of my favorite Eric Roberson songs is "Open Your Eyes" and in it he tells a lover: <br /><br />I can pray for your dreams<br />Even if that truly means<br />That if your dreams come true <br />That I will not be with you... Forever<br /><br />And that is how I feel. He is now a friend and despite whatever deep down feelings I might harbor that still held a bit of hope that one day years from now we might be able to work out, above all I want him to be happy. Even if its not with me. And since he has always wanted kids and we all know my feelings on this particular womb holding a bambino, this is how it was always going to end.<br /><br />That is what this is an ending, the death of a possibility. That was the source of my initial shock, sadness, couple of tears (it was like 3, I ain't no punk...I've cried more over Laker losses)...I'm done with that phase though. Now I am just trying to get to the bottom of what it is that he wants from me at this point.<br /><br />It seems that he doesn't want to foreclose on the possibility of us (despite my reminders to him that that is done and over with), while still trying to play house and make it work with his new baby momma. Essentially he wants me to be his back-up chick, the just in case main chick doesn't work out fall back plan. Typical. Per him I'm supposed to play some sort of auntie, god-mother sort of role in the kids life...I can't for the life of me figure out why on earth I would ever want to do that.<br /><br />In other life news, everything else is still moving right along. I'm pretty happy and healthy...though I have been fighting the urge to dance hard. An urge which I intend to satisfy this weekend or sometime soon.<br /><br />Live it up ya'll!Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-8456251139047779822011-04-06T22:26:00.000-07:002011-04-06T23:27:33.614-07:00Lunch!<span style="font-style:italic;">I've been talking to this man, he's been saying what I like and<br />he makes me smile when I'm down, so-oo down.<br />He says sweet things in my ear, all the things that I need to hear.<br />But that's as far as its gone I promise, I promise.<br />But I enjoy it, I love it so...</span><br /><br />Oh little D. We dated for a minute years ago, and he was great. But I couldn't get over the occasionally gay things he would do or wear. I need excessive outward displays of machismo, I can't take the "I spent 20 minutes coordinating this hat, jacket, shoe combo. And I would have been more then happy to put something together for you as well." You know those dudes that you feel like you have to dress for? Not be cute for, but actually wear the name brand stuff or never repeat outfits b/c you know that while he is looking at T&A he is also acutely aware that those shoes were from 3 seasons ago?<br /><br />D is/was one of those. So when he told me he loved me years ago I couldn't say it back. And he knew that and he was ok with it and was willing to wait for me to feel it. I can't recall exactly how it ended, I think I met Jov somewhere in there, and well-he had been shot 6 times and the only brand he could talk about intelligently was Nike. Uber Alpha Male.<br /><br />We both saw other ppl, he started dating another young lady with my name. And she is so opposite of me, it makes me wonder how a man could want both of us. D is a southern man, and a large part of my fan base are southern men because I have a certain asset that they value down there in the south: Thickness. <br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">She got a donk, she got a donk, she gotta a donk, she gotta donk, shake sumtin'</span><br /><br />And a bra size with more letter D's then numbers. Which per him are his two favorite things in life. So then pre tell why is the new Jennwill flat chested and infected with noassatall disease? Oh, and she is mexican. She is really cute, very nice, and seems to make him happy. But how can you have been in love with both Serena Williams and Zoe Saldana (both references are compliments to the bodies of both she and I and used for effect but you get the point)?<br /><br />Anyhow he has made a reappearance in my life and we have been having lunch. I told him I love and hate the lunches. They are great fun, we've always had a great time together, he is so gentlemanly and bossy, he has picked some wonderful restaurants, and he makes me feel gorgeous, he is so attentive, its all been...perfect. But then I go back to my manless life and wonder if I let one get away? Should I have just been secure since he was so secure in his manhood? Could he have been the one, and now I missed my happily ever after? So on and so on and so on.<br /><br />The main issue is, I don't want to disrespect or do anything that I wouldn't want my man doing with one of his 'friends' at lunch. And that is my greatest concern. I think its easy for both he and I to fantasize about how wonderful our time together was, making it this thing that it wasn't since it is currently out of reach. I told my book club about the situation and they suspect that he is testing the waters, to try to see what I'm willing to do-help him cheat or be the replacement to the current Jenn. I am willing to do neither and won't even entertain any of such a discussion. But I do recognize that our lunches need to be dialed back to once every other month, instead of the current twice a month program we are on. Why do we need to spend so much time together? I mentioned to him that its like taking a child to a toy store allowing them to play with their favorite toy for an hour and then snatching the toy away and escorting them swiftly out of the store-twice a month.<br /><br />I enjoy his company, love to be treated well but the trying to mind my p's and q's while he seems to be purposefully pushing my "I can't control the words coming out of my mouth" buttons is more then your girl can bear.Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-33696120191160270012011-03-21T23:37:00.000-07:002011-03-22T00:24:13.260-07:00Suds...It has been a tough couple years for my family. Maybe its because I have so much extra family, both my parents remarried before I was 8 years old and with that came 2 additional sets of family. <br />Then there is my religious family who I spend more time with then my actual family and therefore share very close bonds with. Then there are my friends who have transcended that title and are also family.<br /><br />Basically I'm somehow related to you and everyone you know. And with knowing that many people there are bound to be tragedies, deaths, and other assorted sorrows. My favorite person in my step father's family died today, a young 5w, a single 18 year old son, a wife of 20+ years and not a person in his life he hasn't helped in some way. He had cancedr that ravaged him in less than a year, and this morning he quietly took his last breath in front of his mother, wife, son, and sisters. It had been clearly coming for days, doctors had warned us, nurses prepared us, his own body had made it clear, yet and still it breaks the heart when that actual moment arrives.<br /><br />I know its terrible but I nearly ALWAYS am crying for the people that are still living, the pain a mother or wife must feel, it just rips my heart out. My step father essentially raised this man and to see my dad, a consistent pillar of strength, have a moment where his emotions were raw and palpable, where he wept, unrestrained for just a moment before he returned to being strong. My tears today were for him, they were the ones his need to be there for others would not allow him to shed. My cousin is at peace, pain free, and at rest. Its the rest of us who have to live with his abscense and bear the grief.<br /><br />I brought them home later, my mother made a nice dinner, we talked, laughed, watched basketball. At the end of the evening my dad did something I've never seen him do...he voluntarily, without provocation or encouragment washed my dishes.<br /><br />To know me is to know that I hate doing dishes. I spent nearly EVERY night in my parents house doing dishes, I vowed to never do them as an adult-regardless of my bank account Vicki will be at my house every other week to handle that task. To know my dad is to know that he doesn't do kitchens, no cooking, no cleaning, he leaves that domain exclusively to the women. But tonight he did dishes. And I quietly came up beside him and I dried and put them away. It was the absolute best moment of my day.Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-88619747626052394392011-03-18T00:16:00.000-07:002011-03-18T00:50:23.693-07:00A little better...It hasn't been the best couple of weeks. Entirely too much stuff going on in the world and in my own personal little world.<br /><br />So today while driving home from work, feeling particularly down I get the following text:<br /><br />"Have I ever told you why I like you? Just curious...Cuz you are cute but so very fine. Soooo soo smart and still down to earth. Very spiritual but still sexier then a mutha and because you are such a dear friend of mine. Thanks for being one bad ass sista."<br /><br />How sweet is that? Is that not the best compliment ever!? The timing was on point, and the sentiment was genuine. <br /><br />When I sometimes forget that I am in fact dope, its nice to be reminded, by someone who isn't even trying to get in my pants.Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-44855312576539225182011-02-09T15:18:00.000-08:002011-02-09T19:59:00.396-08:00Race day...You may recall that in October 2010 I made the crazy decision to start training for a half marathon. I convinced my sister to train with me, we bought shoes and expensive socks, found a trail we liked and wouldn't get murdered on, and hit the proverbial bricks about 4 times a week.<br /><br />Training went well, we got faster, stronger, it got easier...<br /><br />In December my sister and I caught a cold, I got better hers lingered. She thought she got better took a weekend trip, came back and was sicker then ever. I may have missed a couple runs, but I kept up the training even without her. Two weeks before the race she was really sick, so sick that I insisted she go to Urgent Care. We went, they prescribed antibiotics, said she had bronchitis and essentially sent us home. Four days later (exactly one week before the race) she laid in bed, basically unable to breathe, panting for no apparent reason. I demanded that we go back to urgent care, she resisted but eventually relented when I told her I would get the neighbor boys to come carry here from her bed to the car, if she didn't come on her own. The urgent care receptionist looked at my sister still unable to breathe and told me to take her directly to the ER.<br /><br />Went to the ER about 1130am, by 8pm she was admitted and settled in her room with Pneumonia in both lungs and severe shortness of breath. <br /><br />I sometimes forget how close my sister and I are. I always think that b/c I share more of the intimate details of my personal life with my friends that I am closer to them. But the reality is that there is no other person that I am closer to in this world then her, and it dawned on me as she laid there looking so weak and so sick. It was brutal, I had to keep reminding myself that she would get better and that healthy ppl of her age didn't die of pneumonia, regardless of how distressed her breathing was.<br /><br />On the Monday before the race she asked her doctor if she would be able to participate in the marathon on Sunday, he laughed and said that really she shouldn't be doing much around the house.<br /><br />She was in the hospital until Friday, sent home with oxygen tanks, follow up appointments, steroids, antibiotics etc. She is doing much better then she was, but still only a shadow of her former self. And now I faced the race alone, having missed my last long training run.<br /><br />But I had paid for it, I had prepared for it, and I was going to do it.<br /><br />So I did! 13.1 miles. 3.5 hours. Dead Ipod. Rocks in shoes. Alone. But I did it. I didn't stop and rest, I kept at it and I finished. I finished 15 mins better then I thought I might, and now that I finished this one, I think I'd like to do it again to be a bit more competitive. <br /><br />During the race I was having mini competitions with ppl near me, "I will beat this old lady", "I can beat these ppl", etc. I would pick a point in the distance and run to there, it really was a mind over matter challenge. And since I had no ipod it really was just me and my mind.<br /><br />I just kept focusing on the end in sight and the fact that I would be so proud once I accomplished it. And sure enough it felt like quite the feat when I ran over that finish line. <br /><br />Every piece of food I ate directly following and every drink I had right after was THE MOST wonderful think I had ever tasted, or drank. I was STARVING after the race, my wonderful friends met me at the finish line, cheered me on and took me to breakfast. The friend who got this whole ball rolling ran the race with me, and by with me I mean she finished an hour earlier cause she is a rock star! <br /><br />I truly missed my sister crossing that finish line with me, but she is feeling much better and getting more like herself everyday. She is crossing her own finish lines daily, and that honestly is the better, bigger accomplishment as far as I am concerned.<br /><br />Thanks all for all the support, I'm planning on doing one or two more halfs this year so you all will be hearing about it!Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-58087511817580005732011-01-02T15:20:00.000-08:002011-01-02T20:05:04.509-08:00The interim...Ok so 2010 is now over.<br /><br />How was my year in retrospect? It was great! It was cool.Parts of it really sucked. I think that about covers it. <br /><br />I was finally able to cast a poisonous love out of my life. I finally got some control and stability in my work life. I started on a path to get myself healthy and fit. Far and away 2010 Q4 was the best. Q1 was the most difficult to get through, in Q2 I chopped off my hair, and in Q3 things began to look up.<br /><br />Everything is a lesson, and truly I am a fortunate girl. I am looking forward to what the future has in store.<br /><br />I went to a lovely brunch organized by my favorite couple, who are newly engaged. I have told the Mr. before that I love he and his friends because they are so demonstrative in their relationships. They go places with their women, they claim them even when they aren't around, they display their attraction and affection for them in mixed company. It really is a lovely sight to see in a city where it seems that no man is actually in a relationship, plenty of women are but it often seems the men are unaware of this monogamous coupling. <br /><br />Then comes the brunch. Gorgeous location, beautiful, smart black people, and couples...so many couples. There were maybe 5 or 6 singles there out of the 36-38ppl in attendance. Its one thing to see or know of couples that you shake your head at "he is terrible to her", "she is a complete anal nag", "I saw him flirting with some other hot young thing the other day" etc. Its another to see couples with men that clearly love the women they are with, that are proud to be near to them, women who are comfortable in their own skin, and in healthy relationships. It was lovely. <br /><br />And it also made me sick. <br /><br />Not in a hateful way, but just in a dumbstruck way. There are many couples that I would never in a million years want the man involved. It could be looks, or personality, but for whatever reason I wouldn't want that man within 10 feet of me for any reason. The brunch did not contain these men. Obviously this was a mere 3 hour snippet of an introduction, but seriously I looked around the tables and I can honestly say there was not an ugly man there, some more attractive then others of course, but all essentially handsome, some even strikingly so. They were funny, charismatic, able to participate in conversation with ppl they didn't know, generally pleasant to be in the company of. Nearly all of them an individual that I would gladly date.<br /><br />That did quite the number on me. The fact that there are all these date-able men in existence. Part of my "Jenn its ok that you only go on one date per year and are more single than a pedophile at a cougar convention" anti depression, pro sanity campaign is to remind myself that there are no date-able men anywhere. I don't know any legitimate bachelors, and by legitimate I mean men that I would actually date or are within my eligible bachelor parameters, or men worth dating which justifies my life sans dates. To meet a room full of men that I would date in a heartbeat, some of whom I would literally bump off their SO to do so (No Snitchin') was in total contradiction to the bill of goods I've sold myself.<br /><br />So now what. <br /><br />Yeah I don't know. Short of kidnapping baby boy with the giant extremely well defined backs girlfriend, which did cross my mind after he hugged me goodbye, why did he do that? I think I inadvertently held on a bit too long-uhh thats what you get when you put a back like that into my sexually frustrated hands. I'm pretty sure I need to just get back on my "it is what it is" mantra.<br /><br />Sometimes I do feel the need to give myself a reason for my singlehood, lest the I'm not good enough demons get to me. They can get to a sista, if I'm not careful. Its not that I am not patient, but work doesn't fill me up like it used to, going out doesn't move me like it once did. Which leaves me with the conundrum of what to do in the interim...I guess I'll just live like its golden and see what happens.Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-29902318755011919252010-12-27T23:55:00.001-08:002010-12-28T00:03:27.914-08:00the beauty...Here is the beauty of my new found "like" for exercise (it ain't love yet and I doubt that I am hard wired that way, but it is growing on me)...after I'm done, in that hour or so after I just feel so peaceful, so calm. <br /><br />Its the feeling afterward that makes it so worthwhile. Now if only I could eat right.<br /><br />But I am feeling good, feeling great, thanks for all the support and well wishes!Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-23673694266392213492010-12-25T23:40:00.000-08:002010-12-26T01:35:25.799-08:00Hey kids!! <br />As I sat watching Beaches this afternoon, and therefore crying (why I ever watch this movie, Terms of Endearment or Steel Magnolia's, I will never know. Do I like crying? Sad things? Watching other ppl cry??) I thought of how much I adore my friends and needed to reach out to them to let them know it. I am fortunate that most of those friends read my blog giving me the ability to say that I love you all, am praying for good things in the lives of you all, and am reveling in all of your successes.<br /><br />I think we sometimes discount what it is to be a woman and the girlfriends that we have, we complain about how catty women can be, how petty, irrational, emotional, dramatic and just generally irritating our gender is. But despite, or perhaps because of, these characteristics we have it so much better then men. Our relationships with our friends are so much richer, and long lasting. Obviously I think men have great friendships that span generations as well, but when you think about your Dad, I bet he doesn't have as many friends as your mother, I bet he doesn't spend nearly as much time with his friends as your mom does. I'm sure their relationships are fulfilling or satisfying in their own right, but I just think that we as women get such a better deal from our friendships.<br /><br />I have girlfriends on other continents, across various time zones, some that I talk to weekly, some that I talk to annually. I'm blessed that these relationships are so rich that they can endure any distance, or time frame between communications. I really am fortunate, I have awesome ppl in my life. <br /><br />So that is my ode to friends that Beaches inspired. <br /><br />What else has been happening with me...<br />1. Marathon training is going really well. My sister and I are up to 6 miles, which means we are about half-way to the total 13 miles on race day (feb 6th, Superbowl Sunday). I am running more and much easier/better then before. But still not up to the distances that I would like to be. However I think 2011 will be my year of races...there is a 5k in March that I would like to do and another half marathon in June and then I don't know, we shall see. Basically I need an event to prepare for, something not involving pounds but some other measure of success-although i must say I was looking at my profile before I got dressed the other morning and was like "dangggggggggg, that body is looking good!!"<br /><br />2. It has been raining like somebody somewhere recently built an ark that I wasn't invited to. And I think the combo of the weather, the time of year (social events slow down) and I don't know what else have been leaving me feeling incredibly lonely. Like call up all the old exes, entertain the advances of the clearly unworthy, and genuinely blush at compliments from homeless men. Sadly, there is only one of these things that i HAVEN'T done. Got dang loneliness. Sadly there isn't much to be done about it other then be patient. So I'm trying to do so, I assure you it ain't easy.<br /><br />3. I think I am too involved in the outcome of Laker games, the season etc. I get entirely too upset when they lose, when they lose and I feel like the announcers are being unfair, when they lose and should have definitely won...basically when they lose I get seriously pissy. It is not cute. I have to remind myself that not only do I not have money riding on any of these games, but I am not on the Laker payroll, nor is anyone on the payroll checking for me to wife me up. So I need to simmer down. But it does make me wonder what do cities do that have losing teams? How sad that must be. I have been so spoiled by the Lakers, my lifetime has been Showtime with Magic, Kareem and Worthy, then Kobe and Shaq, and now Kobe, Gasol, Fisher. Granted there was a time period in there when the Lakeshow weren't champions but even then we went to the playoffs! Fyi, this last discussion was in no way to suggest that season or any season in the near future would be a losing one for the Lakers, we are barely a third of the way through the season and for the past couple of seasons there is always talk that the Lakers aren't performing well, aren't playing championship basketball, etc. Two championships later, and the next one on the way.<br /><br />4. Work has been really great lately. A seriously chance meeting at court has brought me to a partnership with an excellent group of people, who have a similar work ethic and sensibilities related to how we treat clients. It has been an excellent working relationship and I am once again proud of the work that I am doing and energized about being a lawyer.<br /><br />5. This holiday season has been strangely devoid of marathons. Where is the Law and Order Marathon?? what am i supposed to watch all day on xmas when everything is closed??<br /><br />6. My tv in my living room died on me. I know I shouldn't be happy about it, because Lord knows there are other things I could spend my money on that are more practical and important. But truth be told I am HYPE to get a new tv. While I should be researching all my options, the reality is I'm just going to let my sister tell me what TV to get and call it a day. I'm already overwhelming myself trying to find the newest possible technology so that at least I can feel like I have the new hotness for about 2.5 seconds until the new thing comes out making the tv I just got completely obsolete.<br /><br />7.I am desperate for another vacation and am planning something in Mexico for Feb. I cannot wait. Two of my dearest will be joining me for sun, beach, relaxing, partying, for a few glorious days in Feb. I also need to go see my parents or plan some sort of vacay with them next year. I would love to get all my friends on one trip, like a cruise or something. Its not that I particularly love cruises but I like how it is inexpensive, allowing ppl to pay over time, and you can get everyone at the same place without everyone having to do the same stuff. I'd love the opportunity to get with all my friends, all of their spouses and just spend the week chopping it up in exotic places. Can we be the younger/happier version of the "why did I get married" crew?!<br /><br />There are always so many other random thoughts that I tell myself to write about..dah well I'll try to catch those up next time.Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-41418505954515295892010-11-09T08:19:00.000-08:002010-11-09T08:37:39.513-08:00Run update....I bought the ugliest shoes I have ever purchased in my life yesterday. And they were $100. I, JennWill, purchased shoes for comfort rather then aesthetic. Its a novel concept. <br /><br />Running shoes, I finally got my running shoes! YAY, I'm a runner now. If being a runner means owning running shoes.<br /><br />Also, running outside SUCKS monkey balls. The shoes really help and make all the difference in the world though. Shin splints weren't as much of a problem, I just need to get my breath under control...Its getting there. We are 12 weeks away!Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-71875731948390965032010-11-06T00:04:00.000-07:002010-11-06T01:26:41.770-07:00Good stuff...So I have been a running fool ya'll! I made the mistake of taking my skinny friend's personal experience of being able to eat anything she wants and still remain skinny during her marathon training to heart for myself.<br /><br />Is it tragic that my life's dream is to be slim and trim while eating pasta with alfredo sauce on a nightly basis? So hearing her say that she gets to carbo load with no repercussions fed right into my food porn addiction.<br /><br />Seriously I have a food porn problem. Top Chef: Just Desserts. I almost have to watch it alone. Have you seen this mess? Gorgeous confections all dolled up, under flattering lighting and money shot camera angles...Ay dios mio. I always leave that show wanting a donut. <br /><br />Apparently all this sweating is doing some wonders for my skin, it has been looking fab lately! And surprise of all surprises my cut is growing out really cute albeit a little asymmetrical...sa sa sa salt and pepas here! I do have to figure out something about all this sweating my hair out situation. I put it in a tight ponytail to keep the roots from growing too much. But somehow the sweat just ends up wicked onto the ponytail holder, and my hair just wet...Fortunately it ends up cute when I curl it. But all this curling and slaving over my curling iron is for the birds. Back to the weave I go!<br /><br />Anyway wanted to let you know the update on the running. I am learning to be patient with my progress but am happy with where I am at right now. Plus when I was taking a shower and flexed my leg to shave it I saw that thigh running muscle looking almost defined!! Aww ish, let me find out I got some visible muscles in my leg (I only verfied one, so I can't say plural legs)!!!Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-75492011091847583602010-10-22T12:56:00.000-07:002010-10-23T01:25:07.390-07:00Of moms and daughters...To know me is to know that I have a complicated relationship with my mother. She loves me I love her. And I to us it seems perfectly normal. But when I look at other people's relationships with thier mothers I can't help but note how different we are. <br /><br />My mother knows nothing about me. She doesn't know about any man I've ever loved, she doesn't even know that I've been in love. To her knowledge I've never kissed a boy. She knows only a very small segment of my friends, and even them she only knows through descriptions like "you remember the girl...". In her world all my friends are lovely young women, Christian-preferably Jehovah's Witnesses, black, wholesome, modestly dressed women. I spend my time reading the bible, studying the bible, attending religious services, hanging out with my sister, discussing my bible knowledge with my Jehovah's Witness girlfriends and heathen associates alike.<br /><br />I think this is the JennWill she prefers, this one of her imagination. I know that this is the version of me that she brags about to her friends.<br /><br />I'm fairly certain that is what bothers her so much about the bad qualities I choose to display around her-drinking, interacting comfortably with men around me, mentioning my non Jehovah's Witness friends and wearing scoop necks. Despite the fact that she knows all of these facts about me, every single time I order a drink, or wear a non-turtle neck she is once again horrified.<br /><br />Very rarely she will let on that she has some inkling about the real me. That she knows that her made up version of me is a farce or a live action stage play that only she is participating in. <br /><br />I used to prefer to be her angel. Now, not so much. I'm ready for her to be over it already. I'm weary of her up in arms response to the simplest "provocation". I want to just have verbal diarrhea let her know all the stuff I've really done, possibly shock her into some sort of mild coma which she will emerge from a changed woman...<br /><br />For now I guess I will just accept her for who she is, faults and all. While hoping that she learns to take me as I am someday soon.<br /><br />Running is going well. Its so interesting how quickly the progress is going. I am going to be dumber fly by Feb!Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-88133934392063563182010-10-18T10:00:00.000-07:002010-10-19T01:27:01.069-07:00Clothes Swap...So the running is going well. I think the hardest part is listening to my body and not pushing it harder then need be. But I'm learning. And most importantly progressing at a rate I can appreciate.<br /><br />SO over the weekend I was invited to a clothes swap party. I balked at it initially; first because I didn't find out about it until the day before (my sister neglected to mention it) and secondly the idea of going through all my clothes was impossibly daunting and finally I didn't know who or how my clothes would be judged. Its one thing to give your clothes away and care less about their future its completely another to see someone else evaluate them and decide against them. <br /><br />"How dare you not want the pants/shirt/dress that I no longer want and totally regret buying b/c they are in fact ugly! The nerve!"<br /><br />Turns out however that the crap you are wanting to get rid of may be just what someone else was looking for. Or an item that you no longer fit, or wore one time and thought it looked odd on you-whatever the reason a clothes swap is a great way to come up on some new FREE finds and to rid yourself of items that you don't want anymore.<br /><br />It obviously works best when you invite people of the same or similar size, but this particular party had shoes, purses, scarves, and jewelry. So really there can be something for everyone. I came up on a couple dresses, and a few sweaters. I wish I had brought shoes and purses, I didn't know that they were an option as well. <br /><br />It was also a case study in the commonalities of women. So many of the items had the tags still attached. A few were missing buttons, or had a broken strap but had never been worn. I don't fix things. I hate going to the cleaners, I won't go buy buttons, so if something breaks or needs a replacement I may as well give it away. Which is what I did. I was surprised to learn that apparently all women have items that they bought or were given and haven't worn despite them being brand new. All of mine were "I'm totally going to fit this one day, so no need to take it back." But keeping things 5 years based on this....yeah that is a bit much.<br /><br />So I recommend these. Host one, invite your friends, you may be very surprised at what you come away with!Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-23351607101958806372010-10-14T13:57:00.000-07:002010-10-14T14:41:58.569-07:00Day 2So today the running was a little bit easier, but I need to get in the habit of stretching before hand.<br /><br />I will clearly be keeping a weave throughout this process although I really do miss my hair. I wonder what this new way of life will mean for my hair? I guess lots of more naturally curly styles...<br /><br />While I was gone last weekend a family friend died. I've known him literally my entire life, I think he was there when I was born. I grew up playing with his stuck up daughter-we probably fought more then we played. And having an enormous crush on his too old for me son, who was also the best friend of my cousin (who I was also planning to marry-I was 5 don't judge me).<br /><br />Two months ago he was diagnosed with Leukemia, he talked to my step dad and told him he was "fine" he was going to fight it, and he felt pretty much ok. He died on Friday at 2am. His wife of nearly 40 years orchestrated the memorial of his death for 4pm Saturday- 400 ppl showed up, there was a repass held afterward and there was enough donated food to feed all of them.<br /><br />I am so hurt for his wife and daughter (his son died 6 years ago of an asthma attack). I can't imagine waking up one morning and the person that laid next to you for decades is no longer there. Its just such a shift to be at the part of my life where people that are my parents age are falling victim to fatal illnesses. <br /><br />Morbid I know, but I've been thinking of that this week.<br /><br />In happy news I'm looking forward to my nightlife this weekend, trying some places i haven't yet been and keeping up my running regiment despite the fact that I am going to do my hair tonight.Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-29073635334745635552010-10-13T13:02:00.000-07:002010-10-13T13:30:59.548-07:00It begins..Hey all,<br /><br />Its been a minute right?! Jeez. There has been nothing too terribly new happening:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Work</span>: Hate it. Not sure that I want to continue as a lawyer, but what the heck else will I do?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Love</span>: Doesn't exist. I'm lonely, but happier by myself then being worried about the foolishness of someone else.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Health</span>: I'm a hypochondriac, there is always something wrong (in my head).<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Friends</span>: I've been spending time with some of my married and newly married friends on the East Coast- for a moment made me wonder if I could have that sort of happiness if I moved there as well...Then I remembered-I don't want to live someplace that I don't want to be for the possibility of finding this mythical man, or this mythical relationship. I love LA like I love my family (really more then I love some of my family), we get along great, we support each other. We make each other happy, I can't leave her, we need each other. So while I am to some degree 'envious' (I use that word in quotes b/c it doesn't exactly express how I feel-I am elated/thrilled for them, they are all so deserving and well matched with their spouses, so I'm envious in that I'd like something similar for myself, not jealous) of what they all have, I am happy with my life and content to wait on whatever there is for me.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Wealth</span>: Being poor sucks, I can see why I avoided it for so long. <br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">It begins...</span>So the title of this post relates to the new challenge that I have given myself. I am going to run a half marathon in February in Huntington Beach. And today was the first day of my pre-training-trying to get conditioned to run at least three miles without stopping. While I am super nervous about getting up to the training schedule immediately the reality is I can't run three miles right now. But I can start trying, and if I'm only up to running 9 miles by the time of the race, guess what I'll walk the rest. The point is, I will finish this race on February 6, 2011.<br /><br />The other point is. I'm fat. And it is not a good look for me. When I have to put my hand under my chin(s) to cover up the extra ones in a photo its time to do something a little different. I've always wanted to be a runner, so here is my chance. I told everyone that I am going to do it, I posted a status message on FB that I was going to do it, and I've done lots of prelim research about it. I'm ready to get started.<br />And today I did. I was pleased with what I was able to do.<br /><br />So I thought this might be a good time to get back to blogging. I need as much accountability as I can get, so I will be posting about the progress. I'm not sure if it will be daily or what, but I will be keeping you all abreast of my workouts. Pray for me.<br /><br />Hope you all are well! Missed you!Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-43063553428122331302010-06-06T21:21:00.000-07:002010-06-07T01:42:11.495-07:00The Proclamation...Last night Jilly from Philly and Maxwell came to town. As expected the show was amazing. Jill has been singing my life for years, remembrances of all the ups and downs of various relationships can be directly correlated to Jilly's albums and songs. And Maxwell, well his albums have provided the soundtrack for many an evening, breakup, sad time, happy time etc.<br /><br />Despite being well aware of the memories attached to the music I was still somehow surprised by how I felt during/after the concert. Granted, I loved the music, the performances-wonderful, their voices-stunning. But jeez did it remind me that I am alone, alone, alone. When Jill asked if there were any lovers in the audience, I was quiet, when Maxwell asked if people were going to be making love tonight, I was silent. Basically the entire evening impressed upon me that I was without a date, without someone to go home to, and without someone to love. <br /><br />I mean it wasn't that sad, but it was pretty brutal, as I look around at all the couples hugged up all around me. It didn't depress me, I'm not on the verge of suicide or anything. But it did make me question why I attend these concerts. I love both of these artists, I've seen them live multiple times in different venues, know all the words to all the songs, have live albums, unplugged albums, all of that. So what need do I have to go to these shows? This isn't like Beyonce, where i am going to get 5 outfit changes, dancers, the new hot radio song tie-ins, fireworks on stage etc. These are two adult, contemporary, crooners. Maxwell dances, but not like Beyonce dances, and Jill does her little silly dancing and what not, but with them the focus is on their pitch perfect vocals and making you feel the love. They play at these enormous stadiums due to the clamoring of their fans, but really theirs are performances built for small, intimate venues.<br /><br />So I made a decision-unless Maxwell and Jilly, and artists of their ilk-Brian McKnight, Sade (although she has been gone for a long time and I've never seen her live, she might get an exception)-are playing at an intimate venue, I am going to skip seeing them the next time they are in town. I don't need a $100, 3 hour reminder that I am not booed up. I love the music, I love the performances I just think that I would love them so much more if I could share the experience with a man.<br /><br />Clearly if 3 years from now, I'm still single and Maxwell has finally released the full trilogy and Jilly has new music out, I'm sure I will have forgotten about this and be one of the first to cop my ticket. But for a little while I just keep hearing my mothers words, when chastising my sister and I for watching some movie that alluded to a couple having sex "I don't know why ya'll are sitting up in here watching this torturing yourselves." She meant that since we aren't married, we can't/shouldn't/don't have sex so why torture ourselves by watching others do things that we can't do. Basically like taking someone on a fast to their favorite restaurant and eating in front of them. That was what I felt like on Sat. that I was torturing myself, needlessly.<br /><br />I feel so dramatic making this proclamation of sorts, but I genuinely didn't feel good at the concert. And I have no one to blame for that, that is just the current situation...one I won't be putting myself in again anytime soon.<br /><br />So its small venues, hip hop shows, jazz bands, etc for me for a little while. And that is perfectly fine by me.Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-56576682862351174832010-06-06T21:07:00.000-07:002010-06-06T21:18:48.912-07:00Question I hate...I sent this email to my girls yesterday:<br /><br />I am getting so sick of the question: "so you're a great girl, funny, pretty, smart, you know sports, you're a lawyer, why are you single?" I swear i am going to come up with a answer that evokes shame, shock, or horror from the person that next asks me that.<br /><br />Something like: well, i don't like to tell ppl but....i'm a hermaphrodite, it is my secret shame. And interestingly men don't like he/she's with partial penises. <br /><br />or <br /><br />I'm into hardcore S&M and its hard to find a man that is into the same catastrophic ball crushing that i am into.<br /><br />or<br /><br />I'm racist against all races so I'm really looking for an Albino, and as you can imagine, they are hard to find here in LA with all the excessive sun and all.<br /><br />or <br /><br />I'm planning on becoming morbidly obese in the next 5-10 years so i need a chubby chaser, but I'm currently not big enough for that crowd yet, so i'm working on it.<br /><br /><br />Any other suggestions that I can shock and awe ppl who ask me that dumb question?<br /><br />The responses: <br />I'm a carpet muncher, but I hate women so that makes it tough for me to find a mate. <br /> <br />I'm into beastiality. <br /><br />I like men with stumps, amputees really do it for me, but surprisingly low amount of them walking around. <br /><br />I'm into guys with really hairy backs, no, I mean really hairy backs!! But sadly the Armenian guys just don't seem to dig me.<br /> <br />I'm a nympho and no one man alone can keep up. (or conversely, I hate sex, worst thing ever)<br /><br />If you have any suggestions of how I can shock and awe stupid ppl that ask me this question please feel free to leave them in the comments. <br />I have the herp.Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-30820039785582921162010-05-27T22:46:00.000-07:002010-05-28T00:19:19.294-07:00The now....I haven't written here in quite some time. Hey ya'll!!<br /><br />Let's see last we spoke it was March right? I had just cut my hair, just cut him out of my life, and was all thinking of new beginnings and hope and light. Yeah I remember that. <br /><br />Well now its May nearly June, I've cut my hair even shorter and found a stylist that does black hair, but cuts and applies color like white people. I heart him. Like seriously I might have a crush on my male but uber hetero stylist. He has a beard like W-C, wears chucks with slim cut 501s, and a white tee-oh and he drives an old chevy and leans like a cholo. Again, I love this man. And I adore the new cut. Its way shorter than I ever thought I would go. But somehow it fits (its only a week old I haven't even washed it yet, so this may all be premature).<br /><br />Work is the bain of my existence. I'm ready for my rich husband already. <br /><br />He has made his comeback routine...<br /><br />****aside: I am watching the AI finale from last night and Carrie Underwood is working it right now. she got on her leather pants and boots and telling some nucca that he can kick rocks. I am loving her swag on this performance, America's sweetheart she is not right now. This song makes me want her to do an R&B album, it would be decidedly better then half the R&B chicks in the game right now.<br /><br />...so yeah HE began reaching out a week or so ago. Informing me that he always comes back so, clearly, I should have just been patient since I knew he would be back. Surprisingly this only made me pity him. He really has no concept of how to love anyone other then himself-which is so sad. And really there is going to be some girl that is happy with his piece of love, it just wasn't me. Sadly because I was that girl that accepted his piece of love for so long, he doesn't quite believe, or can't conceive that I am done with him-he thinks its a bluff. But like one of my favorite movies Closer- "I don't love you anymore. Goodbye."<br /><br />****Aside: SHE GOT A DONK, SHE GOT A DONK!! Umm Janet. Looking good girl. And this hair cut I dig it as well. Her face is so beautiful, and makeup so impeccable she could wear her hair anyway. Is she singing live? Is this Missy mixed with Nasty boys? Hawt. This catsuit....makes me want to get on treadmill right now. Sy Smith, one of the back up signers on Idol has been hype the whole show and was especially hype on this song. Janet should get a standing O for looking that good in that cat suit alone. Darn her.<br /><br />I am thoroughly looking forward to this weekend. I have some great plans, some fun parties to attend, a new cut to show off, my car is clean rims shiny, I'm working from home tomorrow. All good things, all good things. Now i"m just ready for a good nights sleep.<br /><br />As for all the philosophical stuff-this year I have seen some of the women that I adore and respect most in the world get engaged, plan weddings, and get married. I am so thrilled for them, so proud of them for being resilient and long suffering enough to work through relationship difficulties, and for having the foresight to recognize the gems in men they had found AFTER suffering many a fool. They give me hope, and I am endeared to them even more for that.Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7423910.post-81531850819472818612010-03-27T20:43:00.000-07:002010-03-27T21:27:15.813-07:00New Hair....<a href='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9D_tkvb3donDDYXL_uQjVT8YDjV2BhbZScKZfc1mb5AabmSclEE-QoOpk40v10EanZCz7nHy9dKYNnV_sJWtuV7yBODGHMnCpDlMIgsQkCa03w-Gqy3Lbzm7McwqkPt9XI5lZVQ/s1600/P3270036.JPG'><img src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9D_tkvb3donDDYXL_uQjVT8YDjV2BhbZScKZfc1mb5AabmSclEE-QoOpk40v10EanZCz7nHy9dKYNnV_sJWtuV7yBODGHMnCpDlMIgsQkCa03w-Gqy3Lbzm7McwqkPt9XI5lZVQ/s320/P3270036.JPG' border='0' alt=''style='clear:both;float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;' /></a> <a href='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnKDH-czC_ZbbJW8ZXGhGzXavJBWCCvuh_iiYeHnyKNapuZ0_eIli43p7jgwtMxVJg8_BCQgZawN6RCyr4as9Ba6du_ghPu5vPn6sJ-ewrF1cltdgxDPEGYVeNEgmg8oVTApERkQ/s1600/P3270037.JPG'><img src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnKDH-czC_ZbbJW8ZXGhGzXavJBWCCvuh_iiYeHnyKNapuZ0_eIli43p7jgwtMxVJg8_BCQgZawN6RCyr4as9Ba6du_ghPu5vPn6sJ-ewrF1cltdgxDPEGYVeNEgmg8oVTApERkQ/s320/P3270037.JPG' border='0' alt=''style='clear:both;float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;' /></a> <a href='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiFWcWc1H83iMy4qqaLFEh4Bg-irkUGQX9yp0LBacGKUYWPD645x7lAzS6WTmgSYttx3xIVtSOaB17SitPQhdjjAQq1Qtr3a6FEl9X_q7dmsXI0Is9I7zkqtsDI8pnbdmRnLjNbg/s1600/P3270038.JPG'><img src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiFWcWc1H83iMy4qqaLFEh4Bg-irkUGQX9yp0LBacGKUYWPD645x7lAzS6WTmgSYttx3xIVtSOaB17SitPQhdjjAQq1Qtr3a6FEl9X_q7dmsXI0Is9I7zkqtsDI8pnbdmRnLjNbg/s320/P3270038.JPG' border='0' alt=''style='clear:both;float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;' /></a> <a href='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGt7auOIqXfOjCjMOKOkLv-NNimNXeJz7HntuW60zpttCNrSRGHEychqzVtvwDHdFVL29yfWMLf9QFzqAYLJcToOSh0HV4VuTCMJfeuW4q6bLEBNk4phvsa9lEC8GWMWohxkY9fA/s1600/P3270057.JPG'><img src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGt7auOIqXfOjCjMOKOkLv-NNimNXeJz7HntuW60zpttCNrSRGHEychqzVtvwDHdFVL29yfWMLf9QFzqAYLJcToOSh0HV4VuTCMJfeuW4q6bLEBNk4phvsa9lEC8GWMWohxkY9fA/s320/P3270057.JPG' border='0' alt=''style='clear:both;float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;' /></a> <br /><br /><br />So this is what we ended up with folks!Last week I went to get cut number 1, and kind of chickened out in that when he asked if I wanted him to do anything else I didn't speak up. He basically gave me a really great trim with some added layers which was cool but it was still long and essentially the Jessica Simpson cut from the previous post.<br /><br />So today I went back for the real cut. Phase 2. And as you can see, this time I didn't punk out. And I LOVE IT!! It's short and sassy and an actual style. <br /><br />Granted its only day one, I may hate it by the end of the week but right now, I'm really happy about it. I like how different it feels.<br /><br />Its spring, the weather is changing, newness is in the air, and it just seems like an ideal time to change up my look. <br /><br />And yes, I am aware that I need a touch up on my color like babies need a mama. And I will get one sooner rather then later. I was initially thinking of switching up the color, but I love this color, it is so me, its mine. I've had it since like 8th grade, its my signature, it just feels wrong to bail on my color now, after all its done for me over the years.<br /><br />I thought it might also be helpful to see where I have come from. Thats the last pic...<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgRteHFiHuI8ulYgd0xQQ4dEifXzeSK29J1c_ubINOIFKW6ij-Eps-mc11URXNEn-vHal98G2PYB1xfg8c0CruQD6ncu2w5W8yDl4YQotuqlHYdtnWl1BTHbRVyPijGhbVjzHhxA/s1600/DSC01674.JPG"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgRteHFiHuI8ulYgd0xQQ4dEifXzeSK29J1c_ubINOIFKW6ij-Eps-mc11URXNEn-vHal98G2PYB1xfg8c0CruQD6ncu2w5W8yDl4YQotuqlHYdtnWl1BTHbRVyPijGhbVjzHhxA/s320/DSC01674.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5453536006018707474" /></a><br /><br />Anyhow wish me luck with my cut ya'll! Smooches.<br /><br /> <div style='clear:both; text-align:RIGHT'><a href='http://picasa.google.com/blogger/' target='ext'><img src='http://photos1.blogger.com/pbp.gif' alt='Posted by Picasa' style='border: 0px none ; padding: 0px; background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 50%; -moz-background-clip: initial; -moz-background-origin: initial; -moz-background-inline-policy: initial;' align='middle' border='0' /></a></div>Jenn Willhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06635683411105177599noreply@blogger.com2