Pish-Posh

T.V.

2011-05-10T00:06:00.000-07:00

I watch a lot of tv. I work from home primarily and need background noise, don't judge me. I can honestly say that most of what is on television is complete crap.

Despite this fact I also have a condition wherein if I have begun tivoing a show I feel some sort of compulsion to continue watching it, regardless of how much I dislike the show, how bad it gets, or how many episodes I allow to stack up in my tivo before I begrudgingly watch. Its an odd loyalty that I have to shows that I may have initially been interested in. I just keep hoping that it will get good again, while I sado-masochistically (spelled correctly the first time I typed it! Boom!)watch and endure.

One show I have never had to hurt myself by watching is Justified on FX. As a disclaimer I must say that I love nearly all of FX's programming: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The League are two of my favorite comedies on television. Damages had an amazing first season, and though season two started a bit slow I am very much looking forward to the next season. Sons of Anarchy is FANTASTIC. Rescue Me has waned in quality over the past few seasons but the sexinessessess that are Daniel Sunjata and Larenz Tate, are reason enough to continue to tune in-especially when they are often shirtless and/or showering....LAWD.....

Getting back to Justified, this is an excellent, layered, well acted, swaggerific, country show. Set in backwoods Kentucky the life and times of Raylan Givens and all of the interesting people that occupy the vortex where his past and present are colliding are an entertaining spectacle to watch. It's one of the shows I look forward to most. Everyone should watch and this season and its finale were a pitch perfect example of why.

Some of my other favorite shows include: Breaking Bad (AMC), Dexter (Showtime. I'm a couple seasons behind with Netflix), Modern Family(ABC), Louie(FX), Todd Margaret(IFC), The Good Wife(CBS), and Southland(TNT). These are just what I consider to be the upper echelon of cable/network dramas and comedies, and barely scratch the surface of the complete list of things that I tivo. Again, stop judging me.

In other TV related issues, I don't know how other cities do it? How does Orlando not just have mass suicides, or Boston over the past couple years? Knowing your team is good enough to win it all, when you are used to winning, when your team is the team to beat, and then they actually get beat....Like Leann Rimes, how do I live?? My dad told me that years of having the Rams in LA prepared him for losses like this. That was before my time of caring about football. Apparently I should have paid attention, for I am not taking this well. And for my non LA readers, I am uber sincere in my uber sensitivity to this issue...I will Andrew Bynum you, tread lightly.

I am happily on the much better side of strep throat. For whatever reason I didn't take my hypochondriac illness obsessed self to the doctor in any sort of timliness, so by the time I went to the doctor swallowing anything for any reason literally rocked my body, mind and spirit. It was awful. The ONLY upside is that I couldn't eat, and even as I got better eating still wasn't appealing due to my throat still being sore. Now my throat isn't all that sore but my appetite is tiny...I feel like Mary Kate and Ashley in this piece! I'm about to be strep throat chic for the summer!

...Of Pimps and....

2011-04-29T18:07:00.000-07:00

So its Friday morning I have a hearing downtown LA, so as my usual I hop the lovely blue line to save me the gas and parking (as an added bonus I get to read and see my people). As I'm walking to buy my ticket I hear two dudes talking on the steps to the platform, one comes over to where I am to watch me and the other stays put.

Now I know that there is no way not to cross their path so I get my game face on, brace myself for the duo ghetto combo. I'm not sure if I'm the only one who notices this but there is strength in numbers-you pass one ghetto dude and you might get some whispered comments in your direction, perhaps even an outloud "hey girl!" But that's really about it. You pass through two or more and they feed off one another, they are commenting about you/at you as much for your benefit as for each other.

And sure enough I hit the stairs and the youngest one thinks I am beautiful, sexy, I've got it like that, damn girl, etc. The older just keeps looking at my behind and smacking his mouth sucking his teeth. I pass quickly yet politely say good morning to both. As I'm near the top of the stairs and all they can see is my behind walking up stairs (is there a better viewpoint of me? Doubtful.) The younger says "you are the definition of a beautiful black woman". Nice! Right?! The older says in reply "naw she ain't that fine." Oh. Ok.

So now I'm on the platform reminding myself that I am in fact not that cute. And here comes the older one walking toward me...in what can only be described as a pimps ode to the Lakers (I take Laker love in all forms), an enormous rayon/poly blend purple and yellow button up (I almost wrote "dress shirt", but that just couldn't possibly be right) that nicely complemented the tattoo under his right eye and the one on his neck.

So he's asking me what I do, informs me that he is a pimp (said with all seriousness) and that he is moving to vegas for one month to make a quick 30k and then he's coming back here, maybe. Ok two things: if you can go somewhere and make 1000 per day, why would you leave that place? Secondly, is it "moving" if you are only staying 30days?

Anyhow, we chat. He apparently thinks I'm L7 (a square), convo wanes. My train comes and I'm like well I catch it down here so bye, he replies "go on then, ain't noby keeping you here!" Now mind you, it was all said with a smile in a jokey way but still it was like all chatty, chatty cool and then 'bitch get on!' Oh. Ok.

As I'm walking away I chunk him the dueces and turns out this means that I do know more then I'm letting on, with this one motion I negate my L7 status. So he comes walking over yelling about "oh you just gone chuck me the deuces, see you need a backhand (while making the motion), you need to be put in line, etc." I chuckle and state that I'm a suburb girl who knows nothing about nothing, I'm from Rancho Cucamonga with a little Pomona thrown in. His reply: "oh you got Ptown in there, Sugafree damn near invented this pimpin' ish."

By now I'm getting on the train and realizing that he is getting on train with me and the train car is EMPTY. Great, just what I wanted alonetime with a pimp. On an empty train one would think he would sit in front of me or across the isle, nope he sits right next to me. Now I have to figure out a nice way to tell him to get away from me and sit elsewhere, b/c I've seen "American Pimp" and I know how it can switch from all good to all bad in a second. And I really didn't want to start my morning in a slap fight with a pimp showing unintentional Laker love.

He says "I'm Bougie by the way." I didn't know if he meant that as an adjective or...then I realized it was his name. NICE. And to further impress upon me his stupendous level of class, "feel my shirt...this shit is soft...you feel that?" Sadly I think he was under the impression it was silk...it wasn't.

In the meantime he is wiping his running nose and I spy what I think is my way out of sitting with him..."are you sick?" I ask? "I don't want to be sick!" He assures me that he's not sick his nose is just running from the cocaine from last night. I also learned that coke goes well with filet mignon (and he pronounced it pheonetically mig-non...how the classy do it), and causes you to wake up angry. Now I've seen "what's love go to do with it" as well and recall what coked up Ike did to Tina...needless to say I settled into my ride with a pimp named Bougie and decided to endure his closenss.

For a brief moment we had a pleasant and rational conversation about the merits of the straight life, and traveling, and as the next stop came near he turns his full body toward me and says:

"So uh, you ain't gettin no younger, so whatchu wanna do?"

I have no clue what he meant by that, I don't understand the context, I don't know if he meant was I planning on continuing the straight life vs. joining him, if he meant was I planning on joining him for the day, if I wanted to come to vegas with him for his "move", or simply if I was going to give him my phone number. I don't know, and will never know b/c I fell out laughing, loudly, full head back tilt, mouth open. He laughed at me laughing but I think it was a serious question.

The stop came, he hugged me goodbye, wished me a nice day and left to me still cracking up.

Later in the day I'm telling my cousin and her Australian boyfriend about a pimp named Bougie that I met on the train, and boyfriends immediate response was: "Pimps ride the train?" Oh but they do, oh but they do.

Spring...

2011-04-11T20:56:00.000-07:00

He's having a baby.

The most recent love of my life called to let me know that he is expecting a baby in October.

I have been done with our relationship since Feb. 2010, yet we have remained friends, phone calls, a couple dinners, lunches, etc. Our "break-up" wasn't contentious, he did precisely what I knew he would and it was over just like that. When he reappeared as he always does I stuck to my "I'm totally over you and this relationship" guns and eventually my heart cooperated with where my head was. My heart frequently regressed but fortunately my head was resolute and I never acted on those ill advised setbacks.

So now we find ourselves chatting about life and what nots. He still trying to weasel his way back into my good graces/bed and me shutting him down just short of begging. I find it impossible not to be his friend at the very least. All the things that made me love him are still the same, he is still funny, charming, caring, supportive, so on and so forth. Therefore to me our friendship is perfectly natural, he did somethings in our relationship that I didn't appreciate but he is still one of my favorite people.

One of my favorite Eric Roberson songs is "Open Your Eyes" and in it he tells a lover:

I can pray for your dreams
Even if that truly means
That if your dreams come true
That I will not be with you... Forever

And that is how I feel. He is now a friend and despite whatever deep down feelings I might harbor that still held a bit of hope that one day years from now we might be able to work out, above all I want him to be happy. Even if its not with me. And since he has always wanted kids and we all know my feelings on this particular womb holding a bambino, this is how it was always going to end.

That is what this is an ending, the death of a possibility. That was the source of my initial shock, sadness, couple of tears (it was like 3, I ain't no punk...I've cried more over Laker losses)...I'm done with that phase though. Now I am just trying to get to the bottom of what it is that he wants from me at this point.

It seems that he doesn't want to foreclose on the possibility of us (despite my reminders to him that that is done and over with), while still trying to play house and make it work with his new baby momma. Essentially he wants me to be his back-up chick, the just in case main chick doesn't work out fall back plan. Typical. Per him I'm supposed to play some sort of auntie, god-mother sort of role in the kids life...I can't for the life of me figure out why on earth I would ever want to do that.

In other life news, everything else is still moving right along. I'm pretty happy and healthy...though I have been fighting the urge to dance hard. An urge which I intend to satisfy this weekend or sometime soon.

Live it up ya'll!

Lunch!

2011-04-06T22:26:00.000-07:00

I've been talking to this man, he's been saying what I like and
he makes me smile when I'm down, so-oo down.
He says sweet things in my ear, all the things that I need to hear.
But that's as far as its gone I promise, I promise.
But I enjoy it, I love it so...

Oh little D. We dated for a minute years ago, and he was great. But I couldn't get over the occasionally gay things he would do or wear. I need excessive outward displays of machismo, I can't take the "I spent 20 minutes coordinating this hat, jacket, shoe combo. And I would have been more then happy to put something together for you as well." You know those dudes that you feel like you have to dress for? Not be cute for, but actually wear the name brand stuff or never repeat outfits b/c you know that while he is looking at T&A he is also acutely aware that those shoes were from 3 seasons ago?

D is/was one of those. So when he told me he loved me years ago I couldn't say it back. And he knew that and he was ok with it and was willing to wait for me to feel it. I can't recall exactly how it ended, I think I met Jov somewhere in there, and well-he had been shot 6 times and the only brand he could talk about intelligently was Nike. Uber Alpha Male.

We both saw other ppl, he started dating another young lady with my name. And she is so opposite of me, it makes me wonder how a man could want both of us. D is a southern man, and a large part of my fan base are southern men because I have a certain asset that they value down there in the south: Thickness.

She got a donk, she got a donk, she gotta a donk, she gotta donk, shake sumtin'

And a bra size with more letter D's then numbers. Which per him are his two favorite things in life. So then pre tell why is the new Jennwill flat chested and infected with noassatall disease? Oh, and she is mexican. She is really cute, very nice, and seems to make him happy. But how can you have been in love with both Serena Williams and Zoe Saldana (both references are compliments to the bodies of both she and I and used for effect but you get the point)?

Anyhow he has made a reappearance in my life and we have been having lunch. I told him I love and hate the lunches. They are great fun, we've always had a great time together, he is so gentlemanly and bossy, he has picked some wonderful restaurants, and he makes me feel gorgeous, he is so attentive, its all been...perfect. But then I go back to my manless life and wonder if I let one get away? Should I have just been secure since he was so secure in his manhood? Could he have been the one, and now I missed my happily ever after? So on and so on and so on.

The main issue is, I don't want to disrespect or do anything that I wouldn't want my man doing with one of his 'friends' at lunch. And that is my greatest concern. I think its easy for both he and I to fantasize about how wonderful our time together was, making it this thing that it wasn't since it is currently out of reach. I told my book club about the situation and they suspect that he is testing the waters, to try to see what I'm willing to do-help him cheat or be the replacement to the current Jenn. I am willing to do neither and won't even entertain any of such a discussion. But I do recognize that our lunches need to be dialed back to once every other month, instead of the current twice a month program we are on. Why do we need to spend so much time together? I mentioned to him that its like taking a child to a toy store allowing them to play with their favorite toy for an hour and then snatching the toy away and escorting them swiftly out of the store-twice a month.

I enjoy his company, love to be treated well but the trying to mind my p's and q's while he seems to be purposefully pushing my "I can't control the words coming out of my mouth" buttons is more then your girl can bear.

Suds...

2011-03-21T23:37:00.000-07:00

It has been a tough couple years for my family. Maybe its because I have so much extra family, both my parents remarried before I was 8 years old and with that came 2 additional sets of family.
Then there is my religious family who I spend more time with then my actual family and therefore share very close bonds with. Then there are my friends who have transcended that title and are also family.

Basically I'm somehow related to you and everyone you know. And with knowing that many people there are bound to be tragedies, deaths, and other assorted sorrows. My favorite person in my step father's family died today, a young 5w, a single 18 year old son, a wife of 20+ years and not a person in his life he hasn't helped in some way. He had cancedr that ravaged him in less than a year, and this morning he quietly took his last breath in front of his mother, wife, son, and sisters. It had been clearly coming for days, doctors had warned us, nurses prepared us, his own body had made it clear, yet and still it breaks the heart when that actual moment arrives.

I know its terrible but I nearly ALWAYS am crying for the people that are still living, the pain a mother or wife must feel, it just rips my heart out. My step father essentially raised this man and to see my dad, a consistent pillar of strength, have a moment where his emotions were raw and palpable, where he wept, unrestrained for just a moment before he returned to being strong. My tears today were for him, they were the ones his need to be there for others would not allow him to shed. My cousin is at peace, pain free, and at rest. Its the rest of us who have to live with his abscense and bear the grief.

I brought them home later, my mother made a nice dinner, we talked, laughed, watched basketball. At the end of the evening my dad did something I've never seen him do...he voluntarily, without provocation or encouragment washed my dishes.

To know me is to know that I hate doing dishes. I spent nearly EVERY night in my parents house doing dishes, I vowed to never do them as an adult-regardless of my bank account Vicki will be at my house every other week to handle that task. To know my dad is to know that he doesn't do kitchens, no cooking, no cleaning, he leaves that domain exclusively to the women. But tonight he did dishes. And I quietly came up beside him and I dried and put them away. It was the absolute best moment of my day.

A little better...

2011-03-18T00:16:00.000-07:00

It hasn't been the best couple of weeks. Entirely too much stuff going on in the world and in my own personal little world.

So today while driving home from work, feeling particularly down I get the following text:

"Have I ever told you why I like you? Just curious...Cuz you are cute but so very fine. Soooo soo smart and still down to earth. Very spiritual but still sexier then a mutha and because you are such a dear friend of mine. Thanks for being one bad ass sista."

How sweet is that? Is that not the best compliment ever!? The timing was on point, and the sentiment was genuine.

When I sometimes forget that I am in fact dope, its nice to be reminded, by someone who isn't even trying to get in my pants.

Race day...

2011-02-09T15:18:00.000-08:00

You may recall that in October 2010 I made the crazy decision to start training for a half marathon. I convinced my sister to train with me, we bought shoes and expensive socks, found a trail we liked and wouldn't get murdered on, and hit the proverbial bricks about 4 times a week.

Training went well, we got faster, stronger, it got easier...

In December my sister and I caught a cold, I got better hers lingered. She thought she got better took a weekend trip, came back and was sicker then ever. I may have missed a couple runs, but I kept up the training even without her. Two weeks before the race she was really sick, so sick that I insisted she go to Urgent Care. We went, they prescribed antibiotics, said she had bronchitis and essentially sent us home. Four days later (exactly one week before the race) she laid in bed, basically unable to breathe, panting for no apparent reason. I demanded that we go back to urgent care, she resisted but eventually relented when I told her I would get the neighbor boys to come carry here from her bed to the car, if she didn't come on her own. The urgent care receptionist looked at my sister still unable to breathe and told me to take her directly to the ER.

Went to the ER about 1130am, by 8pm she was admitted and settled in her room with Pneumonia in both lungs and severe shortness of breath.

I sometimes forget how close my sister and I are. I always think that b/c I share more of the intimate details of my personal life with my friends that I am closer to them. But the reality is that there is no other person that I am closer to in this world then her, and it dawned on me as she laid there looking so weak and so sick. It was brutal, I had to keep reminding myself that she would get better and that healthy ppl of her age didn't die of pneumonia, regardless of how distressed her breathing was.

On the Monday before the race she asked her doctor if she would be able to participate in the marathon on Sunday, he laughed and said that really she shouldn't be doing much around the house.

She was in the hospital until Friday, sent home with oxygen tanks, follow up appointments, steroids, antibiotics etc. She is doing much better then she was, but still only a shadow of her former self. And now I faced the race alone, having missed my last long training run.

But I had paid for it, I had prepared for it, and I was going to do it.

So I did! 13.1 miles. 3.5 hours. Dead Ipod. Rocks in shoes. Alone. But I did it. I didn't stop and rest, I kept at it and I finished. I finished 15 mins better then I thought I might, and now that I finished this one, I think I'd like to do it again to be a bit more competitive.

During the race I was having mini competitions with ppl near me, "I will beat this old lady", "I can beat these ppl", etc. I would pick a point in the distance and run to there, it really was a mind over matter challenge. And since I had no ipod it really was just me and my mind.

I just kept focusing on the end in sight and the fact that I would be so proud once I accomplished it. And sure enough it felt like quite the feat when I ran over that finish line.

Every piece of food I ate directly following and every drink I had right after was THE MOST wonderful think I had ever tasted, or drank. I was STARVING after the race, my wonderful friends met me at the finish line, cheered me on and took me to breakfast. The friend who got this whole ball rolling ran the race with me, and by with me I mean she finished an hour earlier cause she is a rock star!

I truly missed my sister crossing that finish line with me, but she is feeling much better and getting more like herself everyday. She is crossing her own finish lines daily, and that honestly is the better, bigger accomplishment as far as I am concerned.

Thanks all for all the support, I'm planning on doing one or two more halfs this year so you all will be hearing about it!

The interim...

2011-01-02T15:20:00.000-08:00

Ok so 2010 is now over.

How was my year in retrospect? It was great! It was cool.Parts of it really sucked. I think that about covers it.

I was finally able to cast a poisonous love out of my life. I finally got some control and stability in my work life. I started on a path to get myself healthy and fit. Far and away 2010 Q4 was the best. Q1 was the most difficult to get through, in Q2 I chopped off my hair, and in Q3 things began to look up.

Everything is a lesson, and truly I am a fortunate girl. I am looking forward to what the future has in store.

I went to a lovely brunch organized by my favorite couple, who are newly engaged. I have told the Mr. before that I love he and his friends because they are so demonstrative in their relationships. They go places with their women, they claim them even when they aren't around, they display their attraction and affection for them in mixed company. It really is a lovely sight to see in a city where it seems that no man is actually in a relationship, plenty of women are but it often seems the men are unaware of this monogamous coupling.

Then comes the brunch. Gorgeous location, beautiful, smart black people, and couples...so many couples. There were maybe 5 or 6 singles there out of the 36-38ppl in attendance. Its one thing to see or know of couples that you shake your head at "he is terrible to her", "she is a complete anal nag", "I saw him flirting with some other hot young thing the other day" etc. Its another to see couples with men that clearly love the women they are with, that are proud to be near to them, women who are comfortable in their own skin, and in healthy relationships. It was lovely.

And it also made me sick.

Not in a hateful way, but just in a dumbstruck way. There are many couples that I would never in a million years want the man involved. It could be looks, or personality, but for whatever reason I wouldn't want that man within 10 feet of me for any reason. The brunch did not contain these men. Obviously this was a mere 3 hour snippet of an introduction, but seriously I looked around the tables and I can honestly say there was not an ugly man there, some more attractive then others of course, but all essentially handsome, some even strikingly so. They were funny, charismatic, able to participate in conversation with ppl they didn't know, generally pleasant to be in the company of. Nearly all of them an individual that I would gladly date.

That did quite the number on me. The fact that there are all these date-able men in existence. Part of my "Jenn its ok that you only go on one date per year and are more single than a pedophile at a cougar convention" anti depression, pro sanity campaign is to remind myself that there are no date-able men anywhere. I don't know any legitimate bachelors, and by legitimate I mean men that I would actually date or are within my eligible bachelor parameters, or men worth dating which justifies my life sans dates. To meet a room full of men that I would date in a heartbeat, some of whom I would literally bump off their SO to do so (No Snitchin') was in total contradiction to the bill of goods I've sold myself.

So now what.

Yeah I don't know. Short of kidnapping baby boy with the giant extremely well defined backs girlfriend, which did cross my mind after he hugged me goodbye, why did he do that? I think I inadvertently held on a bit too long-uhh thats what you get when you put a back like that into my sexually frustrated hands. I'm pretty sure I need to just get back on my "it is what it is" mantra.

Sometimes I do feel the need to give myself a reason for my singlehood, lest the I'm not good enough demons get to me. They can get to a sista, if I'm not careful. Its not that I am not patient, but work doesn't fill me up like it used to, going out doesn't move me like it once did. Which leaves me with the conundrum of what to do in the interim...I guess I'll just live like its golden and see what happens.

the beauty...

2010-12-27T23:55:00.001-08:00

Here is the beauty of my new found "like" for exercise (it ain't love yet and I doubt that I am hard wired that way, but it is growing on me)...after I'm done, in that hour or so after I just feel so peaceful, so calm.

Its the feeling afterward that makes it so worthwhile. Now if only I could eat right.

But I am feeling good, feeling great, thanks for all the support and well wishes!

2010-12-25T23:40:00.000-08:00

Hey kids!!
As I sat watching Beaches this afternoon, and therefore crying (why I ever watch this movie, Terms of Endearment or Steel Magnolia's, I will never know. Do I like crying? Sad things? Watching other ppl cry??) I thought of how much I adore my friends and needed to reach out to them to let them know it. I am fortunate that most of those friends read my blog giving me the ability to say that I love you all, am praying for good things in the lives of you all, and am reveling in all of your successes.

I think we sometimes discount what it is to be a woman and the girlfriends that we have, we complain about how catty women can be, how petty, irrational, emotional, dramatic and just generally irritating our gender is. But despite, or perhaps because of, these characteristics we have it so much better then men. Our relationships with our friends are so much richer, and long lasting. Obviously I think men have great friendships that span generations as well, but when you think about your Dad, I bet he doesn't have as many friends as your mother, I bet he doesn't spend nearly as much time with his friends as your mom does. I'm sure their relationships are fulfilling or satisfying in their own right, but I just think that we as women get such a better deal from our friendships.

I have girlfriends on other continents, across various time zones, some that I talk to weekly, some that I talk to annually. I'm blessed that these relationships are so rich that they can endure any distance, or time frame between communications. I really am fortunate, I have awesome ppl in my life.

So that is my ode to friends that Beaches inspired.

What else has been happening with me...
1. Marathon training is going really well. My sister and I are up to 6 miles, which means we are about half-way to the total 13 miles on race day (feb 6th, Superbowl Sunday). I am running more and much easier/better then before. But still not up to the distances that I would like to be. However I think 2011 will be my year of races...there is a 5k in March that I would like to do and another half marathon in June and then I don't know, we shall see. Basically I need an event to prepare for, something not involving pounds but some other measure of success-although i must say I was looking at my profile before I got dressed the other morning and was like "dangggggggggg, that body is looking good!!"

2. It has been raining like somebody somewhere recently built an ark that I wasn't invited to. And I think the combo of the weather, the time of year (social events slow down) and I don't know what else have been leaving me feeling incredibly lonely. Like call up all the old exes, entertain the advances of the clearly unworthy, and genuinely blush at compliments from homeless men. Sadly, there is only one of these things that i HAVEN'T done. Got dang loneliness. Sadly there isn't much to be done about it other then be patient. So I'm trying to do so, I assure you it ain't easy.

3. I think I am too involved in the outcome of Laker games, the season etc. I get entirely too upset when they lose, when they lose and I feel like the announcers are being unfair, when they lose and should have definitely won...basically when they lose I get seriously pissy. It is not cute. I have to remind myself that not only do I not have money riding on any of these games, but I am not on the Laker payroll, nor is anyone on the payroll checking for me to wife me up. So I need to simmer down. But it does make me wonder what do cities do that have losing teams? How sad that must be. I have been so spoiled by the Lakers, my lifetime has been Showtime with Magic, Kareem and Worthy, then Kobe and Shaq, and now Kobe, Gasol, Fisher. Granted there was a time period in there when the Lakeshow weren't champions but even then we went to the playoffs! Fyi, this last discussion was in no way to suggest that season or any season in the near future would be a losing one for the Lakers, we are barely a third of the way through the season and for the past couple of seasons there is always talk that the Lakers aren't performing well, aren't playing championship basketball, etc. Two championships later, and the next one on the way.

4. Work has been really great lately. A seriously chance meeting at court has brought me to a partnership with an excellent group of people, who have a similar work ethic and sensibilities related to how we treat clients. It has been an excellent working relationship and I am once again proud of the work that I am doing and energized about being a lawyer.

5. This holiday season has been strangely devoid of marathons. Where is the Law and Order Marathon?? what am i supposed to watch all day on xmas when everything is closed??

6. My tv in my living room died on me. I know I shouldn't be happy about it, because Lord knows there are other things I could spend my money on that are more practical and important. But truth be told I am HYPE to get a new tv. While I should be researching all my options, the reality is I'm just going to let my sister tell me what TV to get and call it a day. I'm already overwhelming myself trying to find the newest possible technology so that at least I can feel like I have the new hotness for about 2.5 seconds until the new thing comes out making the tv I just got completely obsolete.

7.I am desperate for another vacation and am planning something in Mexico for Feb. I cannot wait. Two of my dearest will be joining me for sun, beach, relaxing, partying, for a few glorious days in Feb. I also need to go see my parents or plan some sort of vacay with them next year. I would love to get all my friends on one trip, like a cruise or something. Its not that I particularly love cruises but I like how it is inexpensive, allowing ppl to pay over time, and you can get everyone at the same place without everyone having to do the same stuff. I'd love the opportunity to get with all my friends, all of their spouses and just spend the week chopping it up in exotic places. Can we be the younger/happier version of the "why did I get married" crew?!

There are always so many other random thoughts that I tell myself to write about..dah well I'll try to catch those up next time.

Run update....

2010-11-09T08:19:00.000-08:00

I bought the ugliest shoes I have ever purchased in my life yesterday. And they were $100. I, JennWill, purchased shoes for comfort rather then aesthetic. Its a novel concept.

Running shoes, I finally got my running shoes! YAY, I'm a runner now. If being a runner means owning running shoes.

Also, running outside SUCKS monkey balls. The shoes really help and make all the difference in the world though. Shin splints weren't as much of a problem, I just need to get my breath under control...Its getting there. We are 12 weeks away!

Good stuff...

2010-11-06T00:04:00.000-07:00

So I have been a running fool ya'll! I made the mistake of taking my skinny friend's personal experience of being able to eat anything she wants and still remain skinny during her marathon training to heart for myself.

Is it tragic that my life's dream is to be slim and trim while eating pasta with alfredo sauce on a nightly basis? So hearing her say that she gets to carbo load with no repercussions fed right into my food porn addiction.

Seriously I have a food porn problem. Top Chef: Just Desserts. I almost have to watch it alone. Have you seen this mess? Gorgeous confections all dolled up, under flattering lighting and money shot camera angles...Ay dios mio. I always leave that show wanting a donut.

Apparently all this sweating is doing some wonders for my skin, it has been looking fab lately! And surprise of all surprises my cut is growing out really cute albeit a little asymmetrical...sa sa sa salt and pepas here! I do have to figure out something about all this sweating my hair out situation. I put it in a tight ponytail to keep the roots from growing too much. But somehow the sweat just ends up wicked onto the ponytail holder, and my hair just wet...Fortunately it ends up cute when I curl it. But all this curling and slaving over my curling iron is for the birds. Back to the weave I go!

Anyway wanted to let you know the update on the running. I am learning to be patient with my progress but am happy with where I am at right now. Plus when I was taking a shower and flexed my leg to shave it I saw that thigh running muscle looking almost defined!! Aww ish, let me find out I got some visible muscles in my leg (I only verfied one, so I can't say plural legs)!!!

Of moms and daughters...

2010-10-22T12:56:00.000-07:00

To know me is to know that I have a complicated relationship with my mother. She loves me I love her. And I to us it seems perfectly normal. But when I look at other people's relationships with thier mothers I can't help but note how different we are.

My mother knows nothing about me. She doesn't know about any man I've ever loved, she doesn't even know that I've been in love. To her knowledge I've never kissed a boy. She knows only a very small segment of my friends, and even them she only knows through descriptions like "you remember the girl...". In her world all my friends are lovely young women, Christian-preferably Jehovah's Witnesses, black, wholesome, modestly dressed women. I spend my time reading the bible, studying the bible, attending religious services, hanging out with my sister, discussing my bible knowledge with my Jehovah's Witness girlfriends and heathen associates alike.

I think this is the JennWill she prefers, this one of her imagination. I know that this is the version of me that she brags about to her friends.

I'm fairly certain that is what bothers her so much about the bad qualities I choose to display around her-drinking, interacting comfortably with men around me, mentioning my non Jehovah's Witness friends and wearing scoop necks. Despite the fact that she knows all of these facts about me, every single time I order a drink, or wear a non-turtle neck she is once again horrified.

Very rarely she will let on that she has some inkling about the real me. That she knows that her made up version of me is a farce or a live action stage play that only she is participating in.

I used to prefer to be her angel. Now, not so much. I'm ready for her to be over it already. I'm weary of her up in arms response to the simplest "provocation". I want to just have verbal diarrhea let her know all the stuff I've really done, possibly shock her into some sort of mild coma which she will emerge from a changed woman...

For now I guess I will just accept her for who she is, faults and all. While hoping that she learns to take me as I am someday soon.

Running is going well. Its so interesting how quickly the progress is going. I am going to be dumber fly by Feb!

Clothes Swap...

2010-10-18T10:00:00.000-07:00

So the running is going well. I think the hardest part is listening to my body and not pushing it harder then need be. But I'm learning. And most importantly progressing at a rate I can appreciate.

SO over the weekend I was invited to a clothes swap party. I balked at it initially; first because I didn't find out about it until the day before (my sister neglected to mention it) and secondly the idea of going through all my clothes was impossibly daunting and finally I didn't know who or how my clothes would be judged. Its one thing to give your clothes away and care less about their future its completely another to see someone else evaluate them and decide against them.

"How dare you not want the pants/shirt/dress that I no longer want and totally regret buying b/c they are in fact ugly! The nerve!"

Turns out however that the crap you are wanting to get rid of may be just what someone else was looking for. Or an item that you no longer fit, or wore one time and thought it looked odd on you-whatever the reason a clothes swap is a great way to come up on some new FREE finds and to rid yourself of items that you don't want anymore.

It obviously works best when you invite people of the same or similar size, but this particular party had shoes, purses, scarves, and jewelry. So really there can be something for everyone. I came up on a couple dresses, and a few sweaters. I wish I had brought shoes and purses, I didn't know that they were an option as well.

It was also a case study in the commonalities of women. So many of the items had the tags still attached. A few were missing buttons, or had a broken strap but had never been worn. I don't fix things. I hate going to the cleaners, I won't go buy buttons, so if something breaks or needs a replacement I may as well give it away. Which is what I did. I was surprised to learn that apparently all women have items that they bought or were given and haven't worn despite them being brand new. All of mine were "I'm totally going to fit this one day, so no need to take it back." But keeping things 5 years based on this....yeah that is a bit much.

So I recommend these. Host one, invite your friends, you may be very surprised at what you come away with!

Day 2

2010-10-14T13:57:00.000-07:00

So today the running was a little bit easier, but I need to get in the habit of stretching before hand.

I will clearly be keeping a weave throughout this process although I really do miss my hair. I wonder what this new way of life will mean for my hair? I guess lots of more naturally curly styles...

While I was gone last weekend a family friend died. I've known him literally my entire life, I think he was there when I was born. I grew up playing with his stuck up daughter-we probably fought more then we played. And having an enormous crush on his too old for me son, who was also the best friend of my cousin (who I was also planning to marry-I was 5 don't judge me).

Two months ago he was diagnosed with Leukemia, he talked to my step dad and told him he was "fine" he was going to fight it, and he felt pretty much ok. He died on Friday at 2am. His wife of nearly 40 years orchestrated the memorial of his death for 4pm Saturday- 400 ppl showed up, there was a repass held afterward and there was enough donated food to feed all of them.

I am so hurt for his wife and daughter (his son died 6 years ago of an asthma attack). I can't imagine waking up one morning and the person that laid next to you for decades is no longer there. Its just such a shift to be at the part of my life where people that are my parents age are falling victim to fatal illnesses.

Morbid I know, but I've been thinking of that this week.

In happy news I'm looking forward to my nightlife this weekend, trying some places i haven't yet been and keeping up my running regiment despite the fact that I am going to do my hair tonight.

It begins..

2010-10-13T13:02:00.000-07:00

Hey all,

Its been a minute right?! Jeez. There has been nothing too terribly new happening:

Work: Hate it. Not sure that I want to continue as a lawyer, but what the heck else will I do?

Love: Doesn't exist. I'm lonely, but happier by myself then being worried about the foolishness of someone else.

Health: I'm a hypochondriac, there is always something wrong (in my head).

Friends: I've been spending time with some of my married and newly married friends on the East Coast- for a moment made me wonder if I could have that sort of happiness if I moved there as well...Then I remembered-I don't want to live someplace that I don't want to be for the possibility of finding this mythical man, or this mythical relationship. I love LA like I love my family (really more then I love some of my family), we get along great, we support each other. We make each other happy, I can't leave her, we need each other. So while I am to some degree 'envious' (I use that word in quotes b/c it doesn't exactly express how I feel-I am elated/thrilled for them, they are all so deserving and well matched with their spouses, so I'm envious in that I'd like something similar for myself, not jealous) of what they all have, I am happy with my life and content to wait on whatever there is for me.

Wealth: Being poor sucks, I can see why I avoided it for so long.

It begins...So the title of this post relates to the new challenge that I have given myself. I am going to run a half marathon in February in Huntington Beach. And today was the first day of my pre-training-trying to get conditioned to run at least three miles without stopping. While I am super nervous about getting up to the training schedule immediately the reality is I can't run three miles right now. But I can start trying, and if I'm only up to running 9 miles by the time of the race, guess what I'll walk the rest. The point is, I will finish this race on February 6, 2011.

The other point is. I'm fat. And it is not a good look for me. When I have to put my hand under my chin(s) to cover up the extra ones in a photo its time to do something a little different. I've always wanted to be a runner, so here is my chance. I told everyone that I am going to do it, I posted a status message on FB that I was going to do it, and I've done lots of prelim research about it. I'm ready to get started.
And today I did. I was pleased with what I was able to do.

So I thought this might be a good time to get back to blogging. I need as much accountability as I can get, so I will be posting about the progress. I'm not sure if it will be daily or what, but I will be keeping you all abreast of my workouts. Pray for me.

Hope you all are well! Missed you!

The Proclamation...

2010-06-06T21:21:00.000-07:00

Last night Jilly from Philly and Maxwell came to town. As expected the show was amazing. Jill has been singing my life for years, remembrances of all the ups and downs of various relationships can be directly correlated to Jilly's albums and songs. And Maxwell, well his albums have provided the soundtrack for many an evening, breakup, sad time, happy time etc.

Despite being well aware of the memories attached to the music I was still somehow surprised by how I felt during/after the concert. Granted, I loved the music, the performances-wonderful, their voices-stunning. But jeez did it remind me that I am alone, alone, alone. When Jill asked if there were any lovers in the audience, I was quiet, when Maxwell asked if people were going to be making love tonight, I was silent. Basically the entire evening impressed upon me that I was without a date, without someone to go home to, and without someone to love.

I mean it wasn't that sad, but it was pretty brutal, as I look around at all the couples hugged up all around me. It didn't depress me, I'm not on the verge of suicide or anything. But it did make me question why I attend these concerts. I love both of these artists, I've seen them live multiple times in different venues, know all the words to all the songs, have live albums, unplugged albums, all of that. So what need do I have to go to these shows? This isn't like Beyonce, where i am going to get 5 outfit changes, dancers, the new hot radio song tie-ins, fireworks on stage etc. These are two adult, contemporary, crooners. Maxwell dances, but not like Beyonce dances, and Jill does her little silly dancing and what not, but with them the focus is on their pitch perfect vocals and making you feel the love. They play at these enormous stadiums due to the clamoring of their fans, but really theirs are performances built for small, intimate venues.

So I made a decision-unless Maxwell and Jilly, and artists of their ilk-Brian McKnight, Sade (although she has been gone for a long time and I've never seen her live, she might get an exception)-are playing at an intimate venue, I am going to skip seeing them the next time they are in town. I don't need a $100, 3 hour reminder that I am not booed up. I love the music, I love the performances I just think that I would love them so much more if I could share the experience with a man.

Clearly if 3 years from now, I'm still single and Maxwell has finally released the full trilogy and Jilly has new music out, I'm sure I will have forgotten about this and be one of the first to cop my ticket. But for a little while I just keep hearing my mothers words, when chastising my sister and I for watching some movie that alluded to a couple having sex "I don't know why ya'll are sitting up in here watching this torturing yourselves." She meant that since we aren't married, we can't/shouldn't/don't have sex so why torture ourselves by watching others do things that we can't do. Basically like taking someone on a fast to their favorite restaurant and eating in front of them. That was what I felt like on Sat. that I was torturing myself, needlessly.

I feel so dramatic making this proclamation of sorts, but I genuinely didn't feel good at the concert. And I have no one to blame for that, that is just the current situation...one I won't be putting myself in again anytime soon.

So its small venues, hip hop shows, jazz bands, etc for me for a little while. And that is perfectly fine by me.

Question I hate...

2010-06-06T21:07:00.000-07:00

I sent this email to my girls yesterday:

I am getting so sick of the question: "so you're a great girl, funny, pretty, smart, you know sports, you're a lawyer, why are you single?" I swear i am going to come up with a answer that evokes shame, shock, or horror from the person that next asks me that.

Something like: well, i don't like to tell ppl but....i'm a hermaphrodite, it is my secret shame. And interestingly men don't like he/she's with partial penises.

or

I'm into hardcore S&M and its hard to find a man that is into the same catastrophic ball crushing that i am into.

or

I'm racist against all races so I'm really looking for an Albino, and as you can imagine, they are hard to find here in LA with all the excessive sun and all.

or

I'm planning on becoming morbidly obese in the next 5-10 years so i need a chubby chaser, but I'm currently not big enough for that crowd yet, so i'm working on it.

Any other suggestions that I can shock and awe ppl who ask me that dumb question?

The responses:
I'm a carpet muncher, but I hate women so that makes it tough for me to find a mate.

I'm into beastiality.

I like men with stumps, amputees really do it for me, but surprisingly low amount of them walking around.

I'm into guys with really hairy backs, no, I mean really hairy backs!! But sadly the Armenian guys just don't seem to dig me.

I'm a nympho and no one man alone can keep up. (or conversely, I hate sex, worst thing ever)

If you have any suggestions of how I can shock and awe stupid ppl that ask me this question please feel free to leave them in the comments.
I have the herp.

The now....

2010-05-27T22:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't written here in quite some time. Hey ya'll!!

Let's see last we spoke it was March right? I had just cut my hair, just cut him out of my life, and was all thinking of new beginnings and hope and light. Yeah I remember that.

Well now its May nearly June, I've cut my hair even shorter and found a stylist that does black hair, but cuts and applies color like white people. I heart him. Like seriously I might have a crush on my male but uber hetero stylist. He has a beard like W-C, wears chucks with slim cut 501s, and a white tee-oh and he drives an old chevy and leans like a cholo. Again, I love this man. And I adore the new cut. Its way shorter than I ever thought I would go. But somehow it fits (its only a week old I haven't even washed it yet, so this may all be premature).

Work is the bain of my existence. I'm ready for my rich husband already.

He has made his comeback routine...

****aside: I am watching the AI finale from last night and Carrie Underwood is working it right now. she got on her leather pants and boots and telling some nucca that he can kick rocks. I am loving her swag on this performance, America's sweetheart she is not right now. This song makes me want her to do an R&B album, it would be decidedly better then half the R&B chicks in the game right now.

...so yeah HE began reaching out a week or so ago. Informing me that he always comes back so, clearly, I should have just been patient since I knew he would be back. Surprisingly this only made me pity him. He really has no concept of how to love anyone other then himself-which is so sad. And really there is going to be some girl that is happy with his piece of love, it just wasn't me. Sadly because I was that girl that accepted his piece of love for so long, he doesn't quite believe, or can't conceive that I am done with him-he thinks its a bluff. But like one of my favorite movies Closer- "I don't love you anymore. Goodbye."

****Aside: SHE GOT A DONK, SHE GOT A DONK!! Umm Janet. Looking good girl. And this hair cut I dig it as well. Her face is so beautiful, and makeup so impeccable she could wear her hair anyway. Is she singing live? Is this Missy mixed with Nasty boys? Hawt. This catsuit....makes me want to get on treadmill right now. Sy Smith, one of the back up signers on Idol has been hype the whole show and was especially hype on this song. Janet should get a standing O for looking that good in that cat suit alone. Darn her.

I am thoroughly looking forward to this weekend. I have some great plans, some fun parties to attend, a new cut to show off, my car is clean rims shiny, I'm working from home tomorrow. All good things, all good things. Now i"m just ready for a good nights sleep.

As for all the philosophical stuff-this year I have seen some of the women that I adore and respect most in the world get engaged, plan weddings, and get married. I am so thrilled for them, so proud of them for being resilient and long suffering enough to work through relationship difficulties, and for having the foresight to recognize the gems in men they had found AFTER suffering many a fool. They give me hope, and I am endeared to them even more for that.

New Hair....

2010-03-27T20:43:00.000-07:00

So this is what we ended up with folks!Last week I went to get cut number 1, and kind of chickened out in that when he asked if I wanted him to do anything else I didn't speak up. He basically gave me a really great trim with some added layers which was cool but it was still long and essentially the Jessica Simpson cut from the previous post.

So today I went back for the real cut. Phase 2. And as you can see, this time I didn't punk out. And I LOVE IT!! It's short and sassy and an actual style.

Granted its only day one, I may hate it by the end of the week but right now, I'm really happy about it. I like how different it feels.

Its spring, the weather is changing, newness is in the air, and it just seems like an ideal time to change up my look.

And yes, I am aware that I need a touch up on my color like babies need a mama. And I will get one sooner rather then later. I was initially thinking of switching up the color, but I love this color, it is so me, its mine. I've had it since like 8th grade, its my signature, it just feels wrong to bail on my color now, after all its done for me over the years.

I thought it might also be helpful to see where I have come from. Thats the last pic...

Anyhow wish me luck with my cut ya'll! Smooches.

I am my hair...

2010-03-15T23:41:00.000-07:00

I am in fact my hair and currently me and my hair need an overhaul of sorts. Interestingly whenever I get out of a situation I feel the need to do something different with my hair. And per my last post I simply feel like having long hair solely for the sake of having long hair is dumb, especially when I can just buy some.

So to that end...here are some options...I need some feedback ppl, what do we like? Keeping in mind that I have what my mother refers to as a moon pie face, which means I have a round "jolly" face.

Options:
1.

So this may be my favorite, I want something not just your typical bob, something with a bit more funk.

2.

I like this cut, I think. I wouldn't want it this choppy, and I think with some curls it wouldn't be so choppy but it also wouldn't be as interesting.

3.

I know this is darn near totally plain, but it just looks so good. But this would be a super baby step to actually cutting my hair.

4.
I love this little pixie cut. Its the choppy layers on the crown that I really like but I would need it a few inches longer.

5.
This rocker chick looking shag cut...also very cute, I think this would be really cute in a press and curl.

6.

This dalmatian colored bob also has great layers, but the bangs are entirely too short.

7.
I have no clue how to practically wear either of these styles on the daily but I really love them.

8.

This is slightly left of center for a bob, but the color cut combo is gorgeous.

So what do we think? What do we like? Is it terrible that I think that white ppl cut better then blk stylists? Like If I were getting a Halle short cut, then clearly I can go to any hood shop for that, but I feel like for a mid length something that I could probably go to a supercuts and get what I'm, looking for, right? Either way, I'm hype about the possibilities. So give me some feedback ppl.

10 Things...

2010-03-13T18:33:00.000-08:00

So I'm watching the Style Network today. That Clean House show...ay dios mio. Thought 1: If I am not careful that could be me! I have too much of everything and I hate throwing anything away. Thought 2: Where can I get my hands on all of Niecey Nash's dresses! Have you seen how cute she looks on that show? And since we have essentially the same shape (and likely the same spanx) I would look hot in all those dresses she wears!

The show I'm watching now is 10 Things I Hate About Me. Hmmmm. Interesting. What do I hate about me? As I've been watching the show I've been thinking about some of the things I dislike about me. Let's do it.

1. I hate that I can't cook (Mia this is where yours and my life diverge drastically). Its not entirely true that I can't cook at all, I just hate that I can't throw down. My mother and sister rule in the kitchen, like give them some raw meat, a spice rack, rice and one pan, 24 minutes later they will emerge with chili, some pasta with meat sauce, kung pao chicken, gumbo, thai veggies with peanut sauce and cornbread. Basically they are magicians in the kitchen and since I get frustrated that I cannot match their success in the kitchen I stick to cooking my three or four tried and true dishes or don't cook at all.

2. I hate that I deal with my unsolvable (or unsolvable in a desirable way) problems with food, alcohol or activities (that inevitably involve food and alcohol).

3. I hate that I have such a black girl obsession with having long hair that I allow my hair to be long and drab rather then cut into a fabulous style all for the sake of saying that I have long hair. Especially when Lord knows I will throw a weave in it so quick that why do I need real long hair? Plus I want to wear my hair naturally but b/c of my hairs length and lack of style it just looks like helmet head. Next month I'm going to a bev hills shop that does blk and white hair to get a consult on a cut and new color. I love this color that I have, but literally I've had it since 8th grade. Its time to move on, no? Plus I must say I find that white ppl cut and color better then any blk stylist I've ever had.

4. I hate that I can't throw things away. I am such a pack rat, its so dumb...all this stuff that I don't wear, won't wear, can't wear but won't throw away. Not to mention all the mail and paperwork that I keep. I have this fear that if I throw it away I will need it. Since I started my own company I've gotten it into my mind that I have to keep receipts for all the lunches, coffee, office or office related purchases. Basically an excuse for me to indulge my receipt keeping compulsion.

5. I hate that my feet sweat in heels. Well in shoes really. I have found some things to help, but it is such an irritation.

6. I hate my purse game. Currently I loathe almost every purse I have. Sadly I have like 45, how do I own and Hate 42 purses? It makes no sense.

7. I hate that I have no desire or eye for decorating my house. I basically live like a bachelor, essentials in muted colors, I just don't like decorating.

8. I hate that lately due to stress and what not I feel like I have been letting myself go. I need to get my swag back.

9. I hate that I won't commit to losing weight.

10. I hate how much of my pride, self esteem, personal value/worth is tied to my professional success.

Now on the show the woman had a team of professionals who helped her to conquer her issues. Although they seemed pretty straight forward and simple to me...you hate that you dress like a teenager-well then stop buying teenager clothes. You hate that you don't comb your hair-well then start combing your hair. But I guess that is the thing, just because you can ID your issues doesn't mean that you know how to do anything about it. For most of my issues, I am in no rush to conquer, I think I will always battle with food, I think I will eventually become one with the kitchen, despite my feet my shoe game is enviable, my swag is never far from me, and eventually my professional success will allow me to hire KMO as my interior designer.

The List....

2010-02-26T01:18:00.000-08:00

I am in the most wonderful book club known to man. They are some of the most dynamic, interesting, funny, amazing women I have ever known. I could not love this club more.

So over our five years together we have dated, loved, broken up, gotten back together with and loathed several different men. When we began we were all mostly single, and now in the 5th year we have two engaged, one happy live in couple, and one happy (serious) long distance couple. I could not be happier for these queens, they deserve every bit of the love and adoration they are receiving. However you can't sit at table with these successful at love ladies and not wonder how it is that you are so, so very, very unsuccessful in the same arena.

So when they said to me that I needed to create a list of all the qualities that I am seeking in a man. I listened. These ladies clearly know what they are talking about and I want to get like them.

Here goes...the list (in no particular order, stream of consciousness sort of way):

1. Be a man of your word
2. Be unafraid and willing to make simple decisions (what we eat, where we go for an evening)
3. Be eager to include me in your life
4. Be a Jehovah's Witness, or be comfortable and supportive of me being a Jehovah's Witness, and have your own relationship with God
5. Love travel
6. Love 'new' (new places, people, food, wine, electronics, cars, etc)
7. Be indifferent or non-desirous of children
8. Love to dance and music of various genres
9. Be ambitious
10. Be able to prioritize
11. Be sincere
12. Love football and the Lakers
13. Be aware and interested in current events, your community, the world outside of yourself
14. Be charismatic, know how to work a room without me, but still look forward to meeting up with me at the end of the night
15. Understand the principle of headship-lead/guide not berate/demand
16. Respect my mind, intellect, and abilities
17. Seek out my ideas and desires
18. Be my best friend
19. Be funny, we should be the comedy duo that gets invited to all dinner parties for our witty banter
20. Be considerate of my feelings
21. Be a listener
22. Be a communicator
23. Be empathetic
24. Have a passion
25. Have stamina, fortitude, a backbone
26. Be able to articulate a clear point of view
27. Reciprocate

I think thats it. 27 things, some of them redundant or alternate ways of saying the same thing. So really I'm looking for 20 or less things in the next man. I guess that means I'm easy like I always thought I was.

So now that I've written it...I guess I should refer to it when I meet someone, and alter or compare as necessary.

I want a husband. Not tomorrow, but eventually, and this is who I want him to be. I just have to continue to work on these same traits within myself.

What had happened was...

2010-01-14T00:44:00.000-08:00

So our relationship has been storied to say the least. He in the past has had a tendency to just drop off the earth, stop calling, stop responding etc.

So when we went out two Saturdays ago for dinner and Avatar, and he sat across the table from me grinning like the cat that ate the canary I was actually very innocently asking what was new with him. I knew that he had quit or was on leave from his job, he left at like 1130am on a Wed...this man will go and stay at work while sick as a dog...he only "leaves" early if he is in fact LEAVING. But I know he likes to talk about these things in his own time, so I gave him a couple days and politely asked on Sat, if anything was new with him. He joking said no, everything was still exactly the same...we laughed about this obvious lie. And a few moments later he said, "I think I'm going to move to Atlanta". I laughed. He didn't. I stared at him, still with the big smile.
When?
A week from Monday?
Why?
I need a change, I need to do something different, I want to be in a new place...
Oh. And you're not kidding right?
No, I'm going. But it'll only be for about 6 months. I'm waiting for you to get mad at me.
No, not mad. I will always be supportive of things you think will better you. Nevertheless, I don't want to talk about this anymore, lets talk about something else.

We talked for a few moments about happier things, and then randomly my eyes welled up and suddenly my face was wet, I got up, regrouped, apologized, picked at my food and went to see Avatar.

The thing that I kept thinking about while he talked about the move was when my cousin went to teach english in Japan shortly after falling in love with a new man. The trip was planned long before his arrival in her life, but it hurt them both like hell when she was preparing to leave and the 4 months or so that she was gone. The bad part, and what bothered me about him was that he went out of his way to make her feel bad about continuing the decision to leave. As if this new and budding relationship warranted her giving up on the experience of a lifetime.

I didn't want to be him. I wanted to be supportive of what he thought was best for his life. Because as I repeated to myself over and over-he wasn't my husband, he is my boyfriend, and its not fair to ask or expect ppl to make life decisions based solely on that relationship. While we've been dealing with one another for over 3 years, we've only managed to be consistent for the past 6mos or so. That position doesn't qualify me to make mandates on his life decisions.

So we didn't talk about it anymore. It was an awkward night to say the least. The next day we spoke in more depth about his motivations and thought process behind the move. Basically he wants to get his spiritual life together, he wants to get some independence from his family, he wants to get some "distance so he can get some discipline". Later, I sent him an exhaustive email about all the reasons why I was outwardly upset by this announcement. 1. Every time we start going good, something happens. 2. I'm a pessimist, he says 6 months but I think he is going to go there and stay forever. 3. While I support his 'come to Jesus' but religion is already the one "thing" between us, so it sounds like the final nail in the coffin of our relationship. 4. I think he is going to move there and find some great church girl and that he should pursue her and live happily ever after (one of us should get married). 5. I think 6mos will keep getting delayed and pushed back until its a year and some change. 6. And finally how much the distance is going to suck.

He comes over. Pulls up my email and allays each of my concerns one by one.

Ok I can do this. I committed to 6 mos, I'll see him probably in like 3mos time when I go to ATL to see my parents, and then 3 mos later he'll be home. Ok that is doable.

He doesn't want a ride to the airport, he doesn't want his last sight of me to be all tears and sadness. I get that. I just asked for a call when he arrives. Let me know he made it. He mentioned in that final conversation that he was going to be most likely unavailable by phone when he first gets there. I understood that, getting acclimated to the time difference, trying to find your way around etc, all takes time, and letting me know ahead of time that you are going to be less available then normal is perfectly legitimate and a good way of covering yourself from hearing my mouth.

So he flies out (allegedly). I hear nothing about arrival, after a couple texts I finally call his new cell phone, no answer and the voicemail is a Christina. Hmmm. He literally (allegedly) had gotten the phone hooked up on Tmobile the previous day, and I spoke to him on it after he got it hooked up. So is the chick just the leftover voicemail from the previous owner of that number...or....? And just as I am firing off an email to you, you text and say you can't talk and won't be able to talk to me for about three weeks, but you need me to be strong and focused and that he has to get better.
What.

What are you talking about? What are you going through? Are you in rehab? Jail?

I refuse to dwell on the mysteriousness of it all. Especially not for 3 weeks. It just makes me mad and who needs that. Besides, its too early to freak completely out. I plan to get a full accounting whenever it is that I see hear from him. I want flight confirmations, rental agreements, etc. There is this place in the back of my head that says that I will never see him again, that this was some elaborate rouse to make me believe he left b/c he couldn't tell me that he simply didn't want to deal with me anymore.

I only like mysteries in a book.

...It ends...

2010-01-03T21:50:00.000-08:00

And so it goes. After nearly 6 months of bliss it ends. He's moving to ATL next week.

History...

2009-12-22T00:20:00.000-08:00

History has been popping up on me lately.

I recalled the other day, something I hadn't thought of probably since it happened, but my mom used to pull my loose teeth by tying a string around them and tying the other end to a door knob, and then slamming the door. It makes me laugh at how cruel it was now, to be clear my mother had no intention of being cruel, in fact she subscribed to some old wives tale that a loose tooth HAD to come out (wouldn't it have come out eventually? What was the rush? I think the fear involved something about swallowing the tooth), and for whatever reason this was the most logical method. But how she never thought of the crippling fear and terror such a thing might create cracks me up. I just remember being almost frantic during the set up, trying to decide if sitting through this or getting a whooping would be more painful. Funny thing is that I don't really remember it hurting, I just remember the agony of anticipation. I think it only happened a couple times, I learned pretty quickly that if I just get the tooth out before she noticed it was loose I could avoid the whole situation. My mother was an insane person-lol and good Lord I love her.

Thats the thing about being a parent, its happening in real time, there is no ability to put a moment on pause and deliberate all appropriate courses, or all possible outcomes of any one decision. You just have to do it, and hope for the best. Its not until they are an adult or after a few years that you can look back and determine which idea worked and which one didn't. The more things I see my parents go through with my little brother, now 18, the more I see what a difficult tight rope parents walk. There just is no "right" way. Each kid is different. Each one needs a different kind of attention/discipline/level of nurturing/independence etc. Its a crap shot. You don't know what kind of kid you are going to get or what approach will work best with said child. And you only have a few years to get it right, you get it wrong and the rest of your life and theirs you spend in regret and they spend jacked up in some form or fashion. History: I look back on my step brother and my step dad. First arrest at 18 after teen years chalk full of screw ups bad decision making and just general bad kid stuff. He got plenty of whoopings, talking to-s, bible admonishments, counseling etc, he simply couldn't/wouldn't pull it together. All the things that worked for his sister failed for him. And 18 was essentially the beginning of his end. That first arrest put his life on a course that he would never quite recover from. He did a little jail time, probation. Got out did well, then violated. More jail time, more probation/parole, and on and on and on. He's now well over 45 and doing something like 2-6 as we speak. He could never quite find his footing on the outside, getting his ish completely together always alluded him. It was always one seemingly minor failing that did him in-missed parole/probation meeting, failure to register appropriately, driving illegally, and on and on and on. And it was never his fault-this grown able bodied man, never did anything that he was solely responsible for, ALSO it was never his friends. Always some external force they had no control over. Always. Present Day: my little 18 year old brother is consistently in trouble. But it's never his fault, its always someone or something else's fault. He just had his first arrest. Tomorrow we'll find out if he's getting out and what the final charges will be. Likely it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but his behavior is so frightening because its just further evidence of the fact that he is such a follower, such an identity-less kid. I just wish I knew how to reach him. I wish I knew what the formula is for him. I hear the guilt/regret/frustration in my stepmom's voice and I feel for her. By no account was she a bad mom. And even if she was, people make choices, he's not a little kid anymore. I just can't bear to see history repeat itself in this brother.

Then there is the history with Him. Its been rocky at best. Despite that, we're happy right now. But in the back of my mind, if he takes too long to get back to me with a call, or he doesn't respond to my texts for what i feel is too long. All that doubt comes back. That knot in my stomach returns and I immediately think the worst. And the killer is i know that I am over reacting but I can't make it stop...That history keeps pulling me back. He gets it, kinda. It doesn't make him as overly considerate of my feelings as I'd like him to be but he does ok.

History has been heavy on my mind.

2009-12-13T22:01:00.000-08:00

Since someone, who we'll call Ms. Bossypants demanded that I blog, here I am to blog.

What is going on with me?

1. I'm in love. Most notably and interestingly I am in love. Its not a new love, its the same person I've been in love with for a few years now, but instead of fighting my feelings I (we) are all in. Its nice. Its new-ish. We both agree this is our last and final try, if we can't make it work this go around, we'll let it go. Or maybe I'm the one committed to letting it go. Either way, thus far its been a good ride. I'm learning to take satisfaction in each day. Be grateful for my daily happinesses-the coffee that I perfectly creamed and sugared, the new music I found online, a sweet message/phone call/text, him keeping his word in the small things, a sub circuit overseer and wife that I adore, and just the fun that is my life.

2. Work is transitioning, and with change comes growing pains. My job is making me racist. Of my employees the only ones I like are the Mexican ones. All the white employees I've had have been the laziest, most entitled, snobby, complaining, least hard working ppl especially when compared to my coming in early, leaving late, working weekends NEVER complaining Mexican employees. I fired my last white employee on Friday (but I also fired one Mexican one). SOOOO happy with the current staff. Also, for the record, I LOVE white ppl...some of my best friends, yadda, yadda, yadda.

3. Physically-I'm not currently dying of anything in particular. But what is it about being in a relationship that makes you fat?? Like why since we have been together have I gained all the weight I'd lost recently? Its so crazy! So tomorrow I start with a dietary supplement, treadmill, no carbs etc. I've got to do something otherwise i'll be as big as a house and I can't have that.

4. My sister and I are doing pretty ok. I'm fairly certain that she knows about my dude. She's come by when he's been here hanging out at my house, they have been talking b/c she needed some work done on her car. She invited him over to the house for dinner in payment for his free work on her car. He has thus far spent an evening with my cousins on my Father's side. Hangs out with Jai and I all the time. I've spent a fair bit of time with his mother and sister, and will be having dinner with his father for a second time in a couple weeks. My dad is bothering me to meet him as well. Despite what I believe to be my sister's knowledge other then a joking aside about him being my boyfriend she hasn't said anything to me about him, no questions, no real comments about him being at my house or us spending weekend time together. Which is almost more telling for my super inquisitive sister.
She is still getting her panties all in a bunch that we don't spend a whole heck of a lot of social time together. And she invited me to go on a cruise with her and her friends, and got totally in a huff when I was reluctant to go. Because I am the great ppl pleaser I gave in and will now be going on a cruise in August that I don't really want to go on. But i'm sure it will be fun nonetheless.

5. Spirituality-it needs some work. The traveling overseer and his wife subbed for our circuit overseer this weekend. Normally I don't participate in the wining and dining of the traveling brothers, but my favorite couple and sister we're going so I decided to go. We went to a winery restaurant, so we wine tasted, ate good food and had genuinely funny, comfortable conversation. They were great, and hanging with them was really encouraging. I always love to meet normal, well adjusted, contemporary, fun witnesses.

I think thats about the jist of it. I can't think of anything else important that is going on.

Hope all is well with ya'll.

The Experiment...

2009-11-02T00:57:00.000-08:00

So the great hair experiment of 09' came and went. And here was day one of the experiment.

This was about 2/3rds the way dry. Except for the stringy dumb front part the back curled up nicely, which it should since its only been molested by a pressing comb once in the last 7 months or so and my African roots run strong.

I braided it up that night, and it came out a little crazy in the morning, but after getting into the shower, applying more product, and doing a bit of styling this is what I ended up with.

From the side and at this point it was totally cute! Later in the day I didn't love it so much, it got a little mushroomy, the sides got flat on the bottom and left me with a look I didn't love. But it slapped up into a cute ponytail. I almost want to press it out a couple more times just to loosed up the curl a bit, but I know that in so doing I'll just be left with ridiculous straight tips. Ohhh the dilemma.

Speaking of my dilemma(s) I purchased the most important book ever the other day. It is my new personal bible, I wish it came in pocket form.

"If your face is flushed...you might have yellow fever. If your toes are discolored...you might have gangrene." I can now identify nearly all the possible obscure diseases related to any minuscule pain or discomfort I may experience. How wonderful is that!?

The Newness...

2009-10-27T23:05:00.000-07:00

Hey all!!!

Wow August 15th...jeez what have I been up to since then?

Well the end of (technical) summer has come since then. I think at the end I kinda feel like "ehhh". Last summer was so awesome, St. Maarten, New York, bi-monthly Honey Parties, my regular schedule of parties and concerts it was an incredible summer. Perhaps too wonderful as just after summer I was summarily laid-off. A fact which i didn't discuss at the time, it was so devastating back then. Thankfully now I can laugh at how embarrassed/hurt/sad/confused/lost I was back then.

Anyway back to the much more pleasant now...sorta.
Well since August, I've lost a little bit of the love I had at first. People are idiots and seemingly bent on irritating me. Why, why must you do things that will only serve to make me want to fire you and literally kick you in the behind on your way out? My most problematic employee mercifully quit, I almost fell to my knees thanking her. However even with her gone, it ain't all rainbows and sunshine.

I also put the greatest stress imaginable on one of my most treasured friendships. I totaled my girls car. Le Sigh. You know that point in the evening when you realize one more drink and i'm out...She got to that point asked how I was doing (i'm always sober) I assured her that I was fine and more then willing to drive us home in her car. Got car from valet, pulled out into traffic, immediately hit by oncoming car, pinning us between said car and parked taxi cab. It was ugly, I couldn't have felt worse. It didn't help that we both were headed out of town, and had some other things going on for a few wknds deviating from our regularly scheduled weekend party time. While she battled with her insurance, and the body shop, and figuring out if we were praying for fixibility or for them to total it, I stressed. I firmly believe that finances/money is the quickest way to ruin a relationship. And though I vowed to cover any and every expense, a huge part of the hassle is simply being on the phone with these ppl, going to get your stuff out of the car, and just keeping up with all the nonsense. Turns out about 28 days after the accident (just before her rental car ran out) they totaled the car, she ended up getting her deposit, plus two car payments back and only had to pay the deductible. She was so gracious throughout, and haggled with me to force me to let the whole thing go, call us even and carry on. I still feel in her debt to some degree, but i'm happy that it all worked out and that we have moved on, resuming our regularly scheduled drinking outings, in which i drive all the time regardless.

I have also sorta rekindled a love affair. He seems different this time. But I'm pretty sure i've said that before so don't put too much stock in it. I'm still waiting, watching, wondering what's going to happen this time.

The end of summer also means the end of JennWill's weave. I love my summer weave, so big and wild, or long and perfectly curled. Ahhh good times. But I saw "Good Hair", and my hair has grown out quite a bit since I started this whole 6 mos in a weave 6 mos out schedule. And really my own natural curl is pretty lovely, but I always hated the shrinkage and how short it got. Now that its longer, I'm so curious. My step mom has mastered doing a straw set on her own hair and I told her that I would let her test it out on mine...but I also just want to see what my hair will do on its own. To that end, I went to a showcase of Miss Jessie's products. Which allegedly will keep my curly locks curly and soft instead of frizzy and half straightish. Anyone use these products? Or have any other recommendations? Mia, I'm talking to you. :)

Its an experiment that I might try this weekend, I'll let you all know how it goes.

I have also totally fallen off my workout/eating right grind. So sad. I refuse to be sloppy, but I also refuse to live without french fries. Quite the quandary.

Alright ya'll! Missed ya!

Live Blogging...

2009-08-15T21:37:00.000-07:00

It is Saturday 9:37pm and I am drafting a demand letter for a client at The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf on LaCienega Blvd. across the street from the Beverly Center in Beverly Hills.

Obviously it is unusal for me to be in such a place on such a prime outing night however circumstances (a hair appt) required that I kill some time before meeting up with my peeps for a night out lite on the town-I'm still getting over a cold of course.

But the reason I decided to live blog, all the while earning my retained fees, is because about 10 minutes ago a couple walked in, and I am now bearing witness to the WORST 1st date/meeting that has ever taken place in the history of the world.

These two met online, apparently her main picutre is all oily skinned looking, and she looks pale and white. Apprently in real life she is far more beautiful then her pictures lead on, also she looks spanish, or exotic in real life, what with her dark skin (she is not dark, she is a white girl). I know these things because the guy she is meeting is incredibly loud, and an ASSHOLE. In the first 3 minutes of them walking in I heard him commenting/complaining about how far he has driven to meet this girl-apparently over an hour. And her initial reaction was less then enthused, which made him feel like she was disappointed and that he wasn't her type which made him sad because she is his type, and he has driven far to see her, and does she think he is fat? No really? Tell me honestly-do you think i'm fat, b/c you know how you don't always know what you look like until someone else tells you honestly, so honestly would you say i'm fat/chubby/out of shape for a guy? I mean i'm not running or exercising as much as I used to b/c you know i'm in law school and i'm busy, but like I was thinner, and i'm losing weight, do you think I would be more your type if I lost more weight? She mumbles three words. Then he launches off about why he went to law school-b/c all the lawyers he used to get his daughter back weren't really helpful-so really you think i'm overweight and you're not attracted to me.....

This goes on, and on, and on. More about him. More about his insecurity re: weight, more, more, more. I just want to rescue her. I don't know her. Probably wouldn't even like her if i knew her personally, but seriously this date/meeting is painful!!

9:52-he brought a change of clothes they are in the car, does she want him to change, b/c he can. What was your last relationship like?

9:54 And now they are leaving, and she looks at me plaintiffly. Maybe I would like her in real life. I smile a knowing, yet empathetic smile. That was brutal hopefully she is finding a way to wrap it up and not going with him to the next location. Poor woman.

Gosh, I wish they didn't leave. Now I have to go back to working.

Anyway so my Month O' Travel is not going to happen. My sister volunteered to go with me. And then the next morning after thinking about it she recalled that she is buying a house, trying to pay off bills, and need not embark on a month of frivolous spending. As she ticked off all the obligations she needs to pay, I recalled that I have the same bills to pay and need to save/slow down just as much. So the Month O' Travel is dead. Instead I think I'll blow some money taking my sister on a surprise local get-a-way.

9:59-This really clean 6-series BMW drop top on exaggerated rims pulls into the parking lot with two black dudes, one of whom is wearing sunglasses atop his head (why?). They exit the vehicle and walk towards an old Honda Civic two door with these two waiting non black chicks. Both of whom exit the vehicle to allow the dudes into the back seat. WTH?? If we're going to sit in a car, in a parking lot, I'm sitting in the BMW, not the Honda! Also, seriously, what are they doing? Blowjobs? Drug deal? double date? So many questions.

10:09-black guy with dumb sunglasses comes into coffee bean, apparently to make a phone call and/or purchase a beverage.

10:11-Sunglasses attempts to get into my line of sight under guise of toying with phone, waiting on drink. I ignore knowing that he purchased nothing, and is an idiot.

10:13-Sunglasses buys a hot chocolate-just say you're gay.

Ok so the timeline gets screwed up here, b/c my ex-bf Jovon shows up to say hello to me and introduce me to his new artist that he is managing Bluu.

Just before Jov shows up, the other black guy gets out of the Honda with an envelope, and he and one of the girls go into the trunk for something. The Jov appears in my line of vision and I almost don't recognize him because he is so skinny. Bastard. We chat, he states that I am lovely etc. I don't say that this is the first time i've seen him since May, and so don't start with me about how you miss me, care for me, i smell good etc, bull-ish. But he reads between the lines, b/c he knows me well and makes his guilty face. He also tells me that he finally put his free-loading perpetual child roommate/son out of his apartment yesterday. Huh, ain't that sumthin.

So anyhow I say all this to offer an explanation about how my live blogging went to ish. Then right after he left, the girls started to call about what the plan of action is for tonight.

10:35-I'm off to Sanaea's to meet up for some late dinner and drinks.

Ciao!

That lull...

2009-08-13T21:13:00.000-07:00

Ok I am mad that someone said on facebook today that with the weather being overcast today that they guess that its the end of summer dresses for them. The audacity to presume that the end of summer occured in LA on August 13th. WHAT??!! How dare you, shut your mouth. The summer in LA is perpetual, aside for which thus far I feel like its been pretty mundane and I refuse to acknolwedge that it might be even remotely near its conclusion.

First, let me start by saying that the beginning of this summer had some amazing perks. First, there was the San Diego trip where I got to spend time with my old law school roommate and BFF Trenya. THEN there was the always random but consistently awesome partying with my Ace Sanaea. THEN my sister from another mother Stacee blew into town for a few weeks for work. Followed by a surprise dinner visit with my high school road dog, Candice. THEN, I went to Essence with my heart JAC who I hadn't seen in a year and a wide array of trials and tribulations. THEN after that my right hand woman and conscience, Krysanthemum got into town from Texas.

All of the bumping into my past and present made me remember and realize that I have an awesome network of girlfriends. There have been various periods of my life where I have felt alone, or disillusioned, or whatever, but all these visits made me remember that I have never been alone. Stacee has been riding with me since 4th grade, Candace since 8th, despite the length of time between talking to either of these two, we always pick right up from where we left off, the bond is that deep. I've known Krysti since 10th grade and we've been in contact consistently through every up and down since then. Trenya was with me during my first love, first heartbreak, and the ego killer that is law school. JAC's support, listening ear, and dancing feet got me through what I like to call the redemption phase of my life. Sanaea started out as a party companion/co-worker a couple years ago but since then has become a true friend and most importantly a psuedo boyfriend :).

The only other person I haven't seen is Jai. Jai is not only my party partner, travel buddy, and cousin, she is my longest phone conversations, and my toe-toe to verbal sparring partner, we've fallen out more times then I can remember, but we always come back like we never left. Also she is a nut and cracks me up. That's the other running thread through these ladies, they are hilarious. And if laughter is any sort of cure all, this summer has been redeeming for your girl. Then a couple weeks ago, I got news that Jai is moving back to Cali from DC and Stacee is coming back to SoCal from NorCal. WHAT??!! So in this one summer I will have seen all the women that have played, and are continuing to play crucial roles in my life. Whatever the reasons for their visits I am happy and appreciative for the happenstances that brought all these women into my life even if only briefly over these past few months.

So now I am going to totally contradict myself-I feel a life lull. At first it was really enjoyable, nice and peaceful. Kind of relaxing to have no real stressors, or nothing exciting going on. Just working, going out, hanging out, worshiping my God, basically chillin. And now I'm still chillin. No one trying to woo me, or confuse me. Really my phone barely rings, I go out with my girls to the same or similar places, I'm regularly dumb fly and that's about it. I know its a good thing. I know I should be grateful for the peace and quiet in my life, but to be frank it's a bit boring at this point. I'm waiting for something to happen, the other shoe to drop, a new love interest (I also met a boy this summer that I thought might be perfect for me...turns out he doesn't like me!? Can you believe that? How dare he not be interested in moi!), a new something. But i'm being careful what I wish for, while the idea of something exciting is alluring, the reality is I'm enjoying the lack of complication in my life. Things are good, so I'm just going to be quiet and enjoy it.

I do have one plan up my sleeve...The Jetblue all you can travel pass!! I am soooo most likely going to do this. I just need to map out when and where. Currently I'm thinking: Vegas for weekend 1, for #2 DC, #3 maybe Chicago, and for the final trip maybe a three day wknd in Puerto Rico. My friends are suggesting that its too much, that I won't make it through the month...Ha! I aim to prove them wrong...I think. Perhaps. :)

So yeah that's my current life, folks. Missed ya'll!

Summer...

2009-05-10T21:51:00.000-07:00

Because it didn't feel right going in the other post...

Summer is basically here. How do I know?

I've started my cocoa butter regimen to erase winter's bumps and bruises from my legs.

I've begun summer dress shopping and wearing in earnest.

The Honey party series at the standard rooftop starts this Saturday.

I've bought my hair and have an appointment to have my weave put in.

And I've been working out. Which always means that hot weather is coming.

Needless to say, its officially summer in the city. Yippee!

I have been uncharacteristically insecure about my weight lately. and i'm not sure how to knock it off. Typically i am comfortable in my own skin and years ago learned that I actually like my body, I like my big butt, my tree trunk thighs, ample bossom, and even my rolly-polly midsection (ok actually I loathe that part, but its mine so i'll take it). After a lifetime of needing the validation of other people (men) to believe that I was fine, some time ago I got over it, determined within myself that I was lovely with or without validation. Incidently that confidence somehow made me even more attractive (as difficult as a feat as that may be...how does one improve upon perfection-hehehe). But lately, i've been in doubt. A few unintentionally hurtful comments, some not even really hurtful until compunded by the rest, including one from the last person to see me naked and voila i'm back living in insecure city. Actually that's not true, i'm not living there, just staying in a crappy hotel there. it's a passing thing, I know it is. But still. When do I get all the way secure? I think Oprah said it happens in the 40s, maybe 50s.
I'll get my swag back. I ain't gone let these folks worry me, as my mom would say.

I've got big plans for this summer, possibly too big...June I want to go to Dallas to see Krys. July EMF with JAC. And then sometime between August and December I want to spend a week with my mom and a week lying on a beach in the caribean. Also I just started my new job in April :) I'm wondering if all my travels might not be a bit too ambitious.

Nonetheless I am hype for the upcoming months...

23,000...

2009-05-10T21:02:00.000-07:00

My great uncle passed a couple weeks ago and the memorial service was finally on Saturday. He was 80 years old, married for 47 to his lovely Nadine who he fiercely protected and cared for.

I didn't find out until he passed that he was the reason that my mother married my step-father. Her husband, my father, had been running around with his "girlfriend" and other baby-momma and basically continuing his 3-5 year assault on my mother's emotional health. When she was presented with interest from my step-father. She called my great uncle Sonny, and cried about how she loved my dad, he was the one, why couldn't he just act right, blah, blah, blah. Sonny said, "you need to get over it. That man (his nephew) does not love you. You are two young to wait on him, since he may never ever act right. You have a man that wants to be with you, that wants to raise your children, and to be the spiritual head of your family, pull it together and let that man love you." She paraphrased but said that it was the most hurtful, direct, helpful and wise advice she had recieved throughout her whole ordeal with my dad. It worked and at least in part b/c of that conversation, my mother managed to get over my dad and wound up in a loving happy relationship.

The brother giving the talk at my Uncle's memorial brought up something that has since stuck with me. The average life span is about 23,000 days (63 years old). He compared it to having $23,000, how would you spend that money? Would you frivilously spend it, on the hot item of the moment, would you hoarde it all and save it for a rainy day? Or would you invest it and let your money make money? Relating it back to our lives do we spend our limited amount of time on frivilous pursuits? Are we simply allowing the time to pass us, or are we doing things now to ensure us an everlasting future? I think that resonated with me b/c 23,000 is such a relatively small number. I always tell myself that I have time to pull it together, but I'm already nearing the halfway point, I'm at 10,220!! What have I been doing with my days?

As promised...

2009-04-01T23:46:00.000-07:00

Its the first day of April. My life has changed so much since last April....in some respects for the better in others for the worse, I guess I'm just breaking even, which isn't the worst thing.

I guess I wonder if I've progressed at all. Am I better then I was? Have I grown or developed, matured?

I think I've become more honest with myself. I'm better able to internally articulate my feelings to myself-clearly I've always known how I felt but I wasn't always honest about why. There were lots of, "I don't know why I do/say/act up like that", when really I did know I just couldn't bear to say it aloud. But is being able to honestly assess helpful or important without action?

Anyhow this wasn't intended to be an introspective post. There are actually some good things happening in my life. I got a new job!!! Yay. And I'm honestly scared of it which I'm looking forward to. It's actually going to be challenge. I will have to figure out things b/c they must be figured out and not b/c I have to pad or bill my hours. How novel is that. Its a risk, and a leap but in this legal market why not? There's not some other more wonderful option that I can think of. So I'm gonna step up and step out on a bit of faith that this will work. Its exciting.

I've been in this strange wanting/needing companionship space. I actually considered for a whole couple of minutes letting my law school ex take me on a weekend get-a-way. Why, you ask? B/c I wanna at least play boo'd up for a weekend, do some couply stuff, be pampered and hopefully get this desire out of my system. But then I snapped back to reality....I can't go nowhere wit that fool.

I've been on this total eating healthy/work out kick. I'm really proud of myself-exercising everyday is a totally new addition to my life. It's kinda nice. My body feels good. I plan to have a killer body by summer, or fall, or winter...basically however long it takes. I've even discovered how to exercise regularly and maintain my press!!! Its incredible I know. My hair is not dumb fly like it usually is, but its still fly and not as puffy as one would expect. Be prepared though, if I get my 21 year old body back, you won't be able to tell me nothing, nor will you likely be able to stand me. Sorry. I apologize in advance.

Seriously...

2009-04-01T00:59:00.002-07:00

I am so overdue for a new post...like seriously.
And one will come, but jeez do I feel busy-stretched to the max. There is just too much to do and not enough hours in the day to do them. "This can't be life"-Jay-z just popped into my head.

JAC-I wish I did have a dude offering to take me on a trip, regardless of how long i've known him, right about now i'd probably go. :)

Anyway I just wanted to make sure that you all knew I was still alive and kicking, just trying to get a handle on this unweildy thing I call my life.

In due time, kimosabe, in due time.

AI-Top 9

2009-04-01T00:59:00.001-07:00

What are we on now? 9 people? Paula now loves a tutu-or at least tutuish dress.

How boring for them to have to go visit Ryan at work..that seems lame.

Anoop-Two lines into the song and i'm dancing. The vocals are just ok. maybe a bit better then ok...this jacket is distractingly stupid. And he was making some pretty ugly faces at one point, for what reason i'm not sure. I love that when Kara mentions frat boys, they cut to anoop's friends=frat boys. lol. What do they want him to do, i'm confused? Vocals were good, but....what, what do they want him to do?

Murderer of the greats Megan-I could cry that she is singing this song...I'm staring at her trying to figure out how or at what point ppl thought she could sing. She can't sing. And i haven't heard a time that she actually sounded great...she should have never been on here, in the first place. There isn't a song that she has sung that fits her voice, b/c....get ready for it...SHE CAN'T SING.

Danny-This is a great song for him. I appreciate that he knows his strengths, he understands what songs he glows on. And as usual he sounded amazing. but i doubt that he changed it all, he probably sung it just like it is on the radio and elsewhere...and thats what irritates me. Kara is always talking about artistry, when the reality is, if you can sing any song you sing will sound like yours, it is about singing.

Allison-Why is she playing guitar? Loathing her hair..its bringing out rage in me its so bad. But the lovely opening to the song are you kidding, her vocals sound incredible. She went back to her regular for the chorus, but the opening was gorgeous. Randy is right she looks like a crazy person, but doesn't she always?

Blind Scott-he loves a slow relatively boring song/performance. This will not turn things around, b/c it will be boring. I can't figure out if i love or hate his hair...oooh just saw his face directly and nope I hate it. He looks like a strange 90's character, like kirk cameron's evil blind cousin from the Seaver household.

Matt-this pimple in the middle of his forehead...its really bothersome, can't someone do something about it? He wants so badly to do this mild rock, and the judges and the rest of us want him to do R&B, b/c he actually has the voice for it...this song he is singing, you don't have to be able to sing to sing it...they want him to sing singers songs, R&B you monkey. Why can't he figure that out? It was exactly like that Coldplay night! But its what he wants to do, for some strange reason.

Lil-I'm scared. I love the hair. I like this dress (except for all the backshots they kept giving us). She didn't sound terrible, she sounded pretty good. But i agree with simon that it was a song done to stay in the competition. That was cute for Ryan to be genuinely caring when he noticed that she was crying.

Adam-with play that funky music and his dance moves, and Eddie munster hairdo. This reminds me of a drag queen performance, i could totally see him dressed beautifully as a woman doing this performance. He relies a bit too heavily on that falsetto screaming yell note thingy. But that was fun. Is paula reading this critique? That was so scripted. But he could totally be a Munster, he just needs more of a widows peak.

Chris-I love this song, i hope he hasn't screwed it up...WOW. I am really impressed. That was really awesome. He is gonna have a big career. And in the end of the competition when its down to him and Adam, America will choose him b/c you can't get more American then Chris.

If Megan doesn't go home tomorrow....it will be a travesty of justice!

AI-Top 13

2009-03-10T23:26:00.000-07:00

Hey guys,

Top 13 finally perform….Kara did something with her front teeth since last we saw her. Her mouth looks strange. Paula has the entire remains of a bird she ran over on her shoulder…but her hair and that dress (sans the feathers) are cute. I would like to go on record that there are no black guys in the competition, I guess we get the presidency but can’t get American Idol…can’t win them all! And there aren’t any clearly obviously obnoxiously gay men??? Boo to this foolishness.

Ooooh Mike Jacko week, this could be really bad. I’m hype.

Oh lil, there is so much that I want to make over on her from that clip. I’m pretty sure I hate this outfit. Its very captain and tenile. And you know I support big butted women, heck I am one and I love mine, however, white pants ON TELEVISION with a badunk-a-dunk is not the best of ideas. Its already big and that color just makes it more clearly enormo…and the tapered leg, the one shoulder ruffle-ay dios mio. But yes she sang and performed quite well. But who didn’t expect that?

EHHHHHH this blind guy…I am so sick of him already. I think his parents might be related…two kids, blind, ummm either that or you live next to something radioactive. Does he hate glasses? Barbers? Its not that I think tha he can’t sing, its just that I don’t think he is all that great. It’s just ok…and there were a lot of other ppl that were better that should have been here. And who got him up from the piano? All this walking around being blind, he needs to be more careful. Is paula making up stuff again? Biggest selling song in Norway?? What? He’s wack!! Why are you just now noticing that? I love that simon lies to Paula its like telling a “slow” child that a monster will in fact eat them if they don’t eat their veggies.

Danny-pls don’t talk about the dead wife in this clip! PYT is one of my favorites…hmmmm he slowed it down? Oh he just did the beginning and then almost messed up! There were a couple unnecessary screams in there but for the most part he sounded great. The dancing shows he is into it, but its affecting his breathing…either work out or stop dancing so hard!

Mike-the oil rigger guy, I forgot that he was here…he can actually sing and he’s such a pretty/handsome guy, he looks like a model in the big and tall catalog, or JcPenny’s. However the way he is saying “yew r not alyune” the way he is saying the words is funny.

Jasmine-they made her weave longer…I wonder why. I’m glad they softened up her makeup she was looking too old, at least now she looks near to her age. But man this dress looks cheap, it is a recession, I wonder if its from the Alley?? Jess knows about that. Oh good her mama got new hair.

Chris-Good lord his child bride! She is like 11….This is a good song choice for him. It fits his voice and his little bit of style. Cute for him, and his likely mormon, fundamentalist behind. There were some ugly notes at the end, but overall it was pretty ok. Simon is right, the guitar was unnecessary.

Allison-they toned down her hair. Kudos to them. She is good, but I got bored, I didn’t realize till paula started talking that she was done…

ANOOP!! What did they do to his hair? I guess its not horrible…he’s still adorable. Anoop is a little cock eyed, but I still love him. I knew he would do beat it…but is it a singing song?? I liked it, it was fun. It’s not a singing song…his vocals are stronger then that.

Jorge-I love that he is Puerto Rican…this is like a jazzy quiet storm version of this song. I dig it. I liked it, I thought he was great. Kara and all this “feeling” shut up! Awww pobrecito, they did not love him tonight. Eesh.

I hate this Megan girl, she is so pointless other then to be a cute blonde with big boobs. Gosh her mom looks young. She looked better with browner hair. This is the dumbest performance ever. Rockin Robin? Its not even a real song, wasn’t this on a kids album or a commercial or something. Her voice has nothing special about it, when she actually just sings. Her audition was different b/c she choose an affected…did she just do a bird noise, are you kidding? WHAT SIGNATURE???????????? Why are they soft on her, she sang a song with nothing in it!! Nothing. Anoop and Jorge got yelled at and she gets…well here is Simon to be a real critic, I appreciate his honesty.

Adam- I forgot about him being in this compettion, he just did a mike jacko head tilt, I love it. I guess he counts as obviously gay. He’ll have to do. His breathing is a problem for me…he is always taking too many breathes between notes. And this song doesn’t require all the screaming that he is doing. This performance made me tense, like I had called someone black or white and he was putting me in my place. Sheesh. This braclet that paula is wearing with this giant, medallion…so basically the dead wife guy and him are in the finals? No one would even notice him if her were a blonde kid with a regular hair cut, his face is so all gay American, it’s the hair ONLY that gives him the edge.

Matt-he looks so much like his mom! His parents are divorced…I love this song too. Human nature, the melody is so lovely. I thought that was lovely. He did a great job. Sadly he doesn’t want to be Justin or Robin he wants to be Coldplay…which is dumb.

Alexis: this is a sexy look, but I like it for her. I have got to get one of these chain link necklaces…I needed one like 5 months ago! I also like her shoes….she is singing this song though, I liked it very much. I’m sure Adam wanted this song first. Oh but b/c they jacked up her phone number no one will vote for her.

Change to the show-I bet they will take the bottom 3 or so and pick which ones they think should go home…We’ll shall see.

AI: The Wildcard Show

2009-03-06T01:27:00.000-08:00

Jessi-Ambitious song, she really is vamping it up these days…but in a mom sorta way. Like, what do those boots and that mini sweater have to do with that dress? Or with each other for that matter. It was just ok. All this swagger that Kara talks about, she’s an idiot.

Matt-he better come with something much better this time. His since of style is so contrived. He looks like he went to H&M saw this on a mannequin and bought all the pieces. None of them really fit him (simon agreed). These are some ugly notes that he is hitting in this middle/end part. And why choose a song with only like 25 words in it? But yeah this is a ton better then last week. I wasn’t as moved by it as the judges were. But I wouldn’t be mad if he were part of the 12.

Megan-I don’t recall being all that impressed with her the first time….Oh this is the dancing awkward girl, her stage presence is like a little girl or a kids performer on Disney or maybe Nick I mean she does have tattoos. But yeah she was a waste of space in this show. She’s just so not that interesting, and not that great of a singer, and lately Paula doesn’t comment on ppl’s singing, she comments all around it but doesn’t say much about ppls actual singing. I agree this was a good song for her, but I’m not sure that she can really sing, she’s always doing some silly song with an even sillier dance…sigh.

Von-Oh god not MORE honest real emtion…what is this voice he is singing in? He sounds like the littlest child molester. After the child molester voice ended I liked the end of it…yeah that song sounds like what he would sing on a woman’s answering machine just before he kidnaps, kills, and wears her skin.

Jasmine-I coulsdn’t figure out what is wrong with her face, and someone pointed out that she doesn’t have a forehead! And ding, ding that’s it…Awww I loved Mulan, all young girls on this show sing this song. She is singing the song well though, that is a cute little homecoming dress she has on. Good for her, I wouldn’t be mad if she made it in as well.

Ricky-True story, while he was talking I thought to myself he should sing Superstitious, I kid you not. 30 seconds later Ryan announces that he is singing Superstitious…excuse me while I go pray. Ok back to Ricky-I think maybe that I like this kid. He can sing but its not over the top theatrical, he’s just a good tight jeans wearing singer, which I like. How come no one this season can dance or dance on beat? All this talk of “self indulgence” I’m pretty sure they don’t know what it means.

Tatiana-I just want to gouge my eyes and ear drums out. These speeches of hers with the pained looks on her face, this one about “love” just makes me want to stab her. And she seems to be unaware that she has a bit of a gut, like a 3 months prego gut. I’m glad it doesn’t bother her, but it bothers me…so can she loosen up the clothes. That may be the best I’ve ever heard her sing though…the deep bow…the yelling…the talking while the judges talk…I thought she sang the song last time-she is an idiot…the kneeling…(but I do actually like the dress she is wearing, I’d be cute in it)

Anoop! Why is he singing the same song?????????? At least we’ve never seen him perform
Oh you are killing me! I loved it! I got up danced and like Paula, whoooo that took me back! Although my mother made me throw that tape away because it had the “D” word in it.  He was great, he is totally getting in the 12.

Jasmine is in…they love her too much not to…aww Ricky I like him…Megan and Tatiana it better be NEITHER-Megan boo, and here go the histrionics with Tati…Ha so my DVR (tivo) just cut off before the last decision….hmmm, I’ll look online. I can’t believe that dumb megan girl beat the dueling piano guy...I’m assuming Anoop made it…yep I checked the internet and sure enough Anoop and the piano guy made it. That’s cool. I’m for it.

I know I’m looking forward to hear what they all got next week! And was it just me or did it seem like the entire beginning process took like 6 months!

AI: Group 3-Top 36

2009-03-04T00:58:00.000-08:00

Hey all,

Its finally the last group of the 36, and then some complicated means of choosing three others happens this or next week. Its all very confusing. But on to the show.

Oh Von…I would like you stop screaming at me, I’d also like you to stop looking at me with those creepy overly excited eyeballs. Aww he is wearing his good church suit, with a t-shirt and tennis shoes…yeah unforch for him, while that is a real style, that is the wrong sort of suit for it. Precious, he was trying to be fashionable. I feel like Emo baby is more then enough affected singing for this competition, if Von is going to be on it too we are going to be overwhelmed with oversinging, over performing musical theatre quasi-boys. Ladies, what have we learned here? Never put your sons into musical theatre! Did you see how he reacted to being compared to Clay…he was thinking, “NO, I’m not ready to come out of the closet yet!!!!!!!! How did they know?” Did Kara talk?

Taylor-the amazon…This is a super hard song to sing…I wouldn’t recommend it. And sure enough…it’s a bit rough in the beginning. When she gets to the hook its better. This outfit is kind of a hot mess. Just way too much going on with this look. Why is she crying? How would you find out what its like to go shopping with Taylor by her singing a song?? That doesn’t make sense. Well at least she is young and can come back. Sadly she is likely going home.

Hey its Awkward Boy-Alex! I love this kid, short reps, low weight-hilarious. Oh God the dancing!! Its so terrible. But endearing. He sounds good in an odd way for some notes, but great for other notes…Dropping the mic stand only makes me love him more. I think its funny that he wants to dance so hard for such a slow melancholy song…ha. His dad is equally as dorky…so did Paula like it or not? Well Simon certainly didn’t. Well….i guess he did kinda scream it…

Arianna-she is irritatingly cute to me for some reason. She looks like Disneyland, or like she should be in the Young Ppl Ask book. Lol. This is a pretty song, but it’s a song you sing when you are already in top 12…not when you are trying to get in..b/c who will ever remember/know this song? She can sing though. Interestingly she doesn’t look as pretty tonight, and that last note made me cringe. OOOhhh it’s the toothy grin that makes me hate her….ahhh now I see.

I fear Ju’Not is about to make me mad with his song choice. Awww I like this Hey there Deliliah…oooooo this is the Plain White Tee’s song? Who are they? I thought this was an old Beatles song…lol. Oops. This song is a bit slow, plain…it doesn’t really give him the opportunity to sing his full potential, but it was calming I guess. I like him. What is this story that he is telling about Cortizone? Oh for his asthma, yeah non LA ppl have a hard time with asthma when they first get here. That brown layer of air that lives over our city, apparently isn’t good for some ppl, who would have thought!?

Kristen-The two toned girl-yeah she looks much better, like much better. It’s a cute dress for brunch or something with her mother (I wrote that before Simon said it). Yeah her performance was karoke-esq, but it proves she can sing. She is just a strange girl…

Nathaniel!!!!! My gay bestfriend! So does he take the woman’s spot or the man’s if he makes it? Funny thing, I like this Meatloaf song, mostly because I remember the video playing on VH1 in the wee hours when I was growing up. He can really sing though! He’s picked up a few pounds since last we’ve seen him, he’s not fitting into his skinny jeans quite so well….is he pregnant? Obviously I love the dancing/hopping/thigh slapping…clearly he is magic! So b/c you don’t like to look at him, he’s a bad singer?? I don’t think so….Nate 4Ever. They are spending so much time talking to him! And his grandma wasn’t that into it..lol Ok that whole sitting on Paula’s lap, giving his head band to Simon and Ryan…I think they are trying to steal my best friend and I’m pretty sure that I don’t appreciate it! They don’t love him like I do.

Felicia Barton-Who?? Wow she looks better with bangs…you did not hope that they would call you back…that doesn’t happen…lies, to cover over the fact that some chick got kicked off. It’s like she got a stylist already, she looks fab. Oh that was an ugly note there in the chorus. Hmmmm, she is making some interesting adjustments to the song, not sure I’m loving it and I’m not sure that its actually helping her.

Scott-the blind guy that refuses to wear glasses or get a haircut. Sigh. What are the parameters for mocking blind ppl? And how soft do you expect the judges to be on him? I am expecting them to dust him with baby powder and then gently critique his bare bum with feathers. Why did he get up? Does he know where the end of the stage is? Oh Lord. Please don’t (do) let there be an accident. I can barely focus on his singing for all my imagining him (not) falling….He was pretty good, but I’m pretty sure they play that song on the smooth jazz station and therefore doc’s offices, and elevators around the world, but for the threat of him falling I would have gone to sleep. Let the soft peddle critique begin…”you are so amazing, you are blind and yet you continue to live! Amazing!”…You’ll remember him b/c HE IS BLIND!!! Not Talented just BLIND. That was the most awkward High-Five ever! They are treating him like he is retarded and not blind…wait, is he also retarded?

Kendall-Her dad’s alligator dance…I would pretend not to know him. This girl knows that she looks good in yellow and has some fab clothes. But everything about her reminds me of one of those sorority trust fund W&L girls that I used to loathe. Her mom’s reflective mirrored trench coat, ay dios mio…

Jorge-The eyebrows-I like him b/c he’s from Puerto Rico! And b/c he reminds me of a young Michael Jackson…for a second I thought he switched to Spanish in the middle of the song. He sings beautifully. But this song is just one big note after another…Simon I totally agree!!! He is Spanish, of course he should sing with his accent! It is so patronizing, and xenophobic, they are going to get some angry letters about this crap. If I was Spanish I’d be pissed…Ok the crying, and the emotional Spanish speaking…and they being like, “yes monkey talk to us in your funny little language”…so condescending…white ppl I tell you!  Good thing you Rudy’s have all these black children.

Lil Rounds-Yay the hair is all one color! Yay! Love this dress. That was great! That gal can sang!

I predict-Lil, The blind guy, and Nathaniel or Jorge…

We’ll see tomorrow.

AI: Group 2-Top 36

2009-02-26T23:21:00.001-08:00

Hey all,

Sorry I missed it last night, I was just too tired. But I'm on it tonight yo! Let's get it!

Jasmine-she is adorable, so much makeup though for such a young girl. She can sing though, this song is an ok choice for her, but I think its clear that she has a bigger voice then we are seeing. However I do want her to stop swinging that weave around. I think Simon has a point that she isn't quite ready...she is only like 13! All this commercial talk is irritating...

Matt G.-The dueling piano guy i liked him in the beginning. I hope he does well...He loves vests. This is the whitest song imaginable, and its so fast...good lord. can he slow it down? And what is this song even about, i heard Jerusalem, st peter...what??? This is so bad. This song totally screwed him. It was too fast and didn't allow him to even really sing...it was horrible. If this were the first time i'd seen him I would be like how did he get here?? He wants to do pop/rock?? why? His voice is soulful...maybe he is in the klan and his family thinks soul music is the devil's music. He is from some nowhere place in Missouri-where ever that is...

Jeanine-DC Bartender, who i think that I might hate...It's the lacefront wig, the booty shorts, the injected fish lips, and the fact that she just did the AKA hand gesture on American idol for no apparent reason, other then to get votes. She can sing, but that is not a singers song...now she looks irritated about all the talk about the legs...ummmm you have on shorts up to your whoo-ha of course they are going to talk about your legs. Be glad that aren't talking about that horrible wig.
And why is Ryan so awkward today? why is talking to the ppl after so painful?

Nick/Norman-Still with the jokes...(the receptionist for my floor had on a purple headband like that yesterday-it was the gayest funniest thing ever). Wait...he sounds terrible. it's funny, in a sort of laugh at a retarded persons jokes kind of way. But the singing was bad. The problem is that b/c Simon hates him ppl will vote for him, but he should not be taking up a real spot on the show...YAY Paula is drinking again, she doesn't know who is talking to her, she is confused. I love it. Ryan on the other hand...is making these little post performance convos uncomfortable!

Allison-hmmm she only has braces on the bottom. Is she high? Why can't she converse normally like a person. She is so awkward...She is so strange. She can sing her behind off though...wow. This pinky ring is distractingly dumb, but then again she is 16, its probably from her favorite store-Spencer's in the mall. See she disproves the whole commercial bull crap, she is a Vato's (for those not from CA, that is what the Mexican gang members are called) daughter, she is soooooo hood, but she can sing like nobody's business and that's all that matters for this. I hope this little ghetto girl wins the whole thing just to prove the point!

Ok this kid is so boring I didn't even catch his name, nor was I motivated to rewind to find it...lol. Ahh Kris Allen. He sings like he had a stroke...a little paralysis on that one side. He LOOKS like apple pie...I don't think this song was completely wrong, he did it up at the end, but he's still really boring, the first half wasn't as good as the second. America's little girls are going to love him...but he looks sickly when he rubbed his stomach like that the first thing that came to mind was "I wonder if he has a colostomy bag?" Poor sick boy.

Megan-tattoo sleeve. I remember liking her voice. She is probably going to sing something dumb. Ok, don't dance if you don't have rhythm....white stockings really? is she a nurse in the 1950's during her off time? This sad, sad dance is the worst. This song is not demonstrating that she can actually sing, that's too bad. Oh its so bad the movements, the arms, the notes...jeez. Stop moving re-re. Even while Paula is talking...and did Paula just do "I heart u" with hand signals...that definitely means alcohol is in that cup! lol Also what is Ryan wearing?? he looks like he should be parking my car, or bowling...This is a strange (terrible) show tonight...

Matt-the welder from Oklahoma...he informs us that he doesn't "usually get starstruck"...ummm are there a lot of celebrities hanging out on construction sites in Bixby, OK? What were these other opportunities you've had to hone your not getting startstruck skills, since you know "usually" you can hold it together? Numbnut. This is an excellent song choice for him...finally someone who knows their range/abilities...also i remember loving this song. He is not a performer, he is a welder. yes he's boring. everything about him is boring. Really, he showed so much promise? When? I never expected him to do anything other then what he did. If he had danced that would have been strange. Also he is sweating like a stuck pig. get him a napkin or something.

Jessi-(jeez this show feels long) 8 yr old kid-wow that is an old kid for such a young woman. Bette Davis eyes? Never heard it. I think this chick can sing though, she might be anorexic though. Also, this is a boring song. With these last two performances I feel like I'm in a doctors office or waiting room of some sort. There was no impact with that song. She looks like a mom going to the mall, definitely better then the drug addict look she had before...she talks too much though. I, per usual, agree with Simon, there was nothing about that that I will recall later, and really no one that I run to the phone and vote for. (let's pretend I watched this the day of and actually have the option to call in :)

(Three more!!!???? Good lord)

Kai-with the hat he has a great/handsome face...but that hair is the absolute worst! I feel like I am on a cruise. He can sing, but something is off/missing. I don't know. He needs a makeover for sure. His sick momma sure is getting her groove on....umhmmm. Ok i take it back, he is goofy looking!
So this is an example of why I hate this 12x12x12 version of the show. Who they pick to be in which group of 12 controls who moves on...putting Danny (dead wife guy) and Anoop (indian boy that loves blk music) in the same group of 12 killed Anoop's chances, whereas there isn't a guy yet that I think ppl will really vote for, so Anoop would have definitely won this group. Its still not completely fair...dag blasted American Idol.

Mishovanna-She is so cute! Wow she is flat chested, like concave almost. Ok i got tricked again, she isn't really cute, its those darn pictures...I have to get that photographer to shoot me! Oh yeah she sounded great, i liked the outfit, it was cute for her. She also should lighten her hair, and NEVER do that deep voice again, b/c now not only do i think she is crazy I also thing she may be a hermaphrodite...

Finally the end...

Adam Lambert-Emo theatre baby: His skin is so bad...all that makeup he wears. Satisfaction?? really. His shoulder pads are hilarious...is that a shark skin shiny suit? All that genital touching, and the plethora of necklaces....he is a drug and alcohol problem waiting to happen and I am excited. He LOVES some pants in his boots...that is so funny to me. Oh yeah and he sang great. His hair made me weep a little bit though.

Alright let's see who won...

Ok why is the old black girl ( i don't recall her name) looking like Daisy Duke? Really shorts with suspenders, and an entire tube of lipstick? If she just wants to do adult film she is working too hard.
Interestingly this group number isn't horrible, their voices actually kind of sound all good together. that might be a testament to Ne-yo's writing, or they may be vocally well matched.
I hate this talking part...so pointless.
Ok so the ghetto Mexican girl is in...that was good. Someone should tell her however that the dress/skirt she is wearing is not flattering to her at all...
Wow this guy won...still don't know his name...oh Kris. everything about him is dull to me...perhaps he'll get interesting later on. If that dueling piano guy hadn't picked that stupid coldplay song this could have been him.
Brooke White performed...still america's syrupy sweetheart. *eye roll*
And Adam Lambert-Emo theatre baby is the third winner, and his jeans couldn't be tighter, nor could he be more pretend hard rock guy, when he and his husband adopt their first Malaysian baby he is totally gonna look back on this tape and laugh and laugh at this phase in his life.

Alright next week I should be on schedule, see you then!

Group 1 of the top 36

2009-02-18T00:49:00.001-08:00

Yay its finally the performance shows!! Took long enough. And Kara is still useless, and Paula doesn’t seem drunk (sadness-I miss the good old days). Ryan’s hair is darker he looks less gay. Oh wow only three of these ppl will make it to the top 12 huh…interesting.

Jackie Tohn-Rocker chick-The first part was great, then the “3, 4” and she started screaming/talk singing…which wasn’t the hotness. But I do love that she has on Nikes. This wasn’t a good vocal performance at all. That supremely ugly note at the end…ewww. She looked cute though. But if that’s the performance that we are to judge her on…she’s going home. Right? The public isn’t going to remember that performance, the vocals weren’t memorable, yeah she jumped around…and then the talking to her after…kinda made me hate her a little. Actually I’m not going to lie it was the smiley face ring she had on when she held up her finger to indicate she was contestant 1-the smiley face rubbed me wrong. Send her home.

Ricky Braddy-had we ever seen him before? A song for you may have been written by Leon Russell but it was made famous by Donnie Hathaway and since his daughter is one of the background singers on American Idol-give credit chicken finger boy. He can sing though, although I am not loving what he is doing with the song, its like the Michael Bolton version of this soulful song. He’s an odd looking boy (why is Kara talking so close to the mic…sit back crazy!) from some angles he looks young, but from others he looks old. I agree about lack of star quality…why do they make the contestants run upstairs to get to the interview with their families? And then expect them to talk after singing and then running upstairs. Oh AI, still so silly I see.

Alexis Grace-this hair is dumb, and her look is contrived. Its like she is singing off beat at times…Also, I need to get a photographer, b/c these only marginally attractive girls look great in these photos! That deep throaty note was horrible in that it wasn’t deep or throaty at all. This performance was wack to me. She didn’t sound great, I still hate her hair, and this outfit. Really they all loved it? I didn’t. I think its partly b/c she doesn’t have the chops to sing Aretha, Kelly Clarkson did, this chick not so much. Her crazy looking daddy…scary!

Brent Keith-His dimple is cute. Apparently I need to move to the Midwest b/c all these cute guys marry these unattractive women there, I would be the most beautiful black girl they had ever seen :)! Brent is cute, but I’m not a big country fan, so I’m already ready for this song to be over. I don’t think the song did anything to show his voice off. I concur with Simon, he blew it. I’ve already forgotten it. He is totally going to get popular and leave her…UPGRADE!

Stevie Wright-She’s so shiney! And she has a HUGE face! OMG this is horrible. Why sing a song by someone who can’t sing?? This is horribly pitchy and just horrible. I hope they don’t interview her with her family. Yeah that low range was God awful. I thought I recall her singing better then that, but I’m not sure. Oh her poor parents. She is totally going to cry. All this hugging everyone, before they get to the couch…I’m so impressed with her for not crying!

ANOOP!!! The great love of my life. I love his intimate knowledge of urban R&B, not that cross over stuff, the stuff that ONLY plays on black radio, I love that he knows it. Angel of Mine, I haven’t heard that in a minute. He was GREAT! Ok standing ovation, that’s my boy! I think I’m going to have to vote for him, just in case. Oooh his mom, with her short hair…look at her all liberal, and modern.

Casey Carelson-her facial expressions during the song…are a hot mess. I think the problem is that she looks like she is a 7yr old dressed up in mommies clothes, singing mommies songs, doing this horrible knee drop, and snarl lip…then she is touching herself…ok this little girl needs a whoppin’. That was bad. Her voice is not nearly strong enough for that song. But her eye makeup is pretty. I loathe “package artists”. Glad she had fun, now she can go home.

Michael Sarver-Oil rigger guy. I love the song he is singing, I loved it when Eliot Yamin did it. Not sure his voice is right for it….the second half was better then the first. The music was too loud for him I think. I felt like I could barely hear him sometimes. I think he could do better. (Paula’s weave was on point tonight!) His wife is cuter then I expected, fab little hair cut and all.

Ann Marie Boskovich-She is not at all able to pull this song off. What is with the squatting? It looks like they have to go to the bathroom, its not cute in any way. She is not as bad at this song as I expected, and she’s cute, with a cute little body so she may actually get voted through. She doesn’t have the chops to sing Aretha!!! When will ppl learn! That was quite the comeback” So sing songs that aren’t as good?” dead pan delivery, I would have respected her more if she admitted that it was a quip, rather then punking out! Why is Kara anyone’s hero?? She’s an idiot.

Stephen Fowler-I had really hoped that he would cut his hair. Rock with you! I love this song. It rained here tonight and so my stupid satellite had some troubles during the middle of the song, he sounds a bit flat/bad on some notes….hmmmm I had high hopes for him…this may not have been what he needed. His voice is better then that song. Dah well. Another one bites the dust.

Tatiana is surprisingly subdued. Why is she crying in the interview? Still hate her. This is going to be bad (fingers crossed) maybe she’ll fall?! She loves to sing Whitney, why? She is such a hard person to sing. Did Tati gain some weight? I’m sad that she isn’t doing a terrible job. But ppl can’t possibly vote for her, simply b/c of that last neck roll thing that she did. I think she toned it down, b/c she read on the internet that ppl hate her, she even calmed down her stupid laugh. Its like she took her meds today, or that she had a lobotomy. So she saw herself on the show and must have hated herself. Ahhhh and just there at the end with the comment directly to America to keep her dream alive, there was the real Tatiana.

Danny Gokey-his hair without product is a mess! I hate when ppl sing songs to teach ppl a lesson, or show America that they can do it to…shut up. I didn’t ask you to show me anything. He is hitting odd/off notes as well. The pitch he is singing in is strange. He picked it up in the second half though. It ended up being pretty great, Paula is clapping like a dolphin, Kara is screaming into a mic that she is still too close to. “Sold-out Arenas” is two words in what world? Aww his best friend is there looking sad…sigh. Oh shut up about rising above. Booo to that nonsense, tell ppl to man up and deal with it. What is the song for that? Is there a stop whining song? Sing songs you like, or that make you sound good and call it a day.

So what will they do tomorrow?

Music Notes...

2009-02-15T21:37:00.000-08:00

Is it bad that I like the new Ludicris song ft. Plies (I loathe plies, really and truly I do) because despite its rote subject matter-she hot freak nasty and can't get enough of me despite the fact that I am also putting it down on several other chicks at the same time cause I'm so prolific and energetic and a man-at least some of the women are professional, a doctor and a lawyer. I can't remember the last time a professional woman is shouted out in a rap song as a good thing...wait is there a Jay-Z song? Well either way I semi appreciated the song. Don't judge me.

This Stanky Legg business...makes me sad to be black and/or a doer of video dances (for you Mia :). I feel like the creators of this dance should be younger. Like a lot younger. These seem like actual physical adults that have created a dance that is called the Stanky Legg and includes the lyrics "Do the booty do". And they say we need more musical education in schools. Pfsh.

Why is Plies ALWAYS corrupting classics!? Who signs off on this? Babyface, The Deele, have you heard this crap with Ashanti and Plies? Shameful, just shameful. Clearly someone needs better lawyers.

I've been meaning to be bitter about this "My President is Black" nonsense. It's like a horrible, R-rated, grammatically incorrect Sesame Street song to help kids learn colors-"My president is black, my Lambo is blue and I be got dam*ed if my rims ain't to, my money is light green and my Jordans is red." Any other colors you can name Jeezy? What color is the sky? The sun? What about snow? Do you know your numbers? Perhaps your next song can include a section counting things. This classic piece of american music also includes the innovative, spiritual and deeply reverential line "Tell my nephews and nieces I will email Jesus, tell him to forward to Moses and CC Allah." He clearly needs our prayers, and our used speak and spells.

I skipped the rest of that mess.

My sister happened upon some really cheap tickets to see Babyface last night. Yes, Valentine's night. Babyface concert. On Valentine's. Babyface was surprisingly energetic. I was expecting him to sit behind a piano, maybe a stool with a guitar. Turns out he likes to move around the stage, interact with the band etc. I've never thought that Babyface had the best voice, it's a decent voice, but he writes his songs to his strengths-which is also what I say about Ne-yo who in 20 years will be Babyface. When he ran through a melody of all the songs he's written and produced for ppl I realized that any song that I've liked in the last 20 years has been written by Babyface. The man is amazing. And he wasn't to schmaltzy due to it being Valentine's which I really appreciated. He shouted out love and couples a couple times but for the most part he kept it light which was nice.

I also went to my girl's party this weekend. It was big fun, and apparently I was a hot commodity (check me out on facebook yo!) holla! Despite there being nothing new to look at it was a fun time with all my girls and thier girls...we all got dressed together, had some pre-party cocktails. Sometimes I forget what its like to have a whole group of girls. I keep my circle pretty small not necessarily on purpose it just happens that way...actually it's a little on purpose since lots of women=lots of drama. Nevertheless I had a great time with a crowd of about 10 girls, with little to no drama.

Hope all is well with you all!

Heavy...

2009-02-13T01:24:00.000-08:00

My grandfather has dementia.

He was diagnosed probably about 4 years ago but for the 5 years prior to that he was fading slowly and most of us didn't know it. My grandfather is and always has been anti anything that constrains or crimps his style. My dad says that he has "wanderlust". I think that's an absolutely accurate description, it also describes several of his grandkids.

My grandfather has been married maybe about 6 times, no one really knows for sure, he has carried on simultaneous families in separate cities, has an unknown amount of children and didn't really have a real role in raising any of them.

I grew up seeing him about once a month for about 20 mins to an hour typically at his hangout spot, a donut shop in south LA. We would pull up to the place, my dad would leave me in the car to go figure out where my grandfather was, just in case he was somewhere "indisposed" with a lady friend. He'd collect himself come grab me, buy me a donut, he and my dad would chat about nothing, he'd take our picture-careful to reach into the pocket containing the camera and not the one with the gun, and we'd leave. On holidays/special occasions we'd make a brief stop at his actual house that he and his 6th(?) and final wife shared.

That's the grandpa I've always known, skirt chasing, picture taking, gun toting, trash talking grandpa.

I know that while he had the family with my granny, he also managed to sire an additional family in Vegas with children of similar ages to my dad and aunt. I know that after going back and forth for some time, he finally left my granny (or more clearly was told not to come back by my granny) to be with some other woman here in LA. He drove a Harley well into his 70's, took an annual road trip back to Texas usually with whatever girlfriend he had at the time. He was one of the nicest, happiest, most jovial/easy going men I've ever known. He was charming, clearly.

Now he's coming up on 86 and he is a mere shell of the man I knew.

My dad is his only child, of only God knows how many, that has made any effort to care for him in his old age. I'm proud of him for doing that. It's arguable that he doesn't have to, his father was never there for him, his father never made an effort to reach out to him, without his own efforts he wouldn't even know where my grandfather was living. But when my grandfather started believing that $100 were $1 bills, and thought that peanut butter could take the place of his diabetes meds, my dad stepped in. Shouldering all the costs, filling out all the paperwork, figuring out all the legal, talking to doctors, and making frequent visits. It's been touching to say the least.

To help him with some of the leg work of my grandfathers care I've immersed myself in elder care issues in the past two days. We're trying to find a new facility, that doesn't feel like death's waiting room. It's been quite the process. I now know all sorts of things about wound care, the various stages of dementia, veterans benefits, state benefits, state employee benefits, and the differences between nursing homes, assisted living, and secured facilities. It's complicated. Confusing. Maddening.

But then today I learned that my grandfather was in WWII. I never knew that. How is it that I've never known that he was in Germany playing a role in such an important part of world history? There is so much to learn about this man that I barely know. And perhaps getting a glimpse into the life of this wandering man is what has motivated my dad to be present. It certainly has inspired me. I'm just sad that it's so late in the game and that I likely won't ever have an opportunity hear it from his own lips.

My Current Events...

2009-02-10T23:14:00.000-08:00

In an effort to keep my blog from becoming an American Idol fansite, I figured I'd better write about somethings happening in my real life.

In the last two days I've had McDonald's and a Cinnabon. Which for those not in the know means I'm not feeling my usual chipper self. Basically when I get depressed I eat, and my go tos are mickey d's french fries and sweets. Sadly for my metabolism, these are also my old standbys for when I'm happy. So you got it...when I'm happy I eat poorly, when I'm sad I eat poorly. It's a sick sad cycle...am I the only one that used to watch Daria on MTV?

I'm coming out of my emotional rainstorm, and into a glorious new dawn. Ok that may be overstating it a bit, basically I'm increasingly less miserable then I was the day before. But that's still pretty good.

Over the weekend I saw "He's just not that into you", it was funny in parts. A little too cliched hollywood in the end, but ending a movie with "No seriously, he really is just not into you, in fact he may hate you deep down, he thinks you should die or move far away." could be a little too harsh. The main character is this chick that behaves as if she were 13 years old waiting, hoping, praying to be asked to the big dance by the handsome captain of the football team. She is so, in love with love, and boy crazy, and neurotic. I mean, there were parts of her neurosis that were familiar to me, either in myself or other women that I know, but for the most part she was so nuts! I guess it was just a lack of cynicism, she didn't immediately believe the worst about men. So weired...She hoped, and believed, forced herself to interpret all the minutiae of the men in her life into a positive despite all evidence to the contrary. Blind faith, I'd guess you call it.

My DC J believes all men are gay until proven innocent. My MD (formerly NY) JAC is a believer, a hoper, but even she has her limits. I am a cynic, I believe all men are fun/relatively honest for the initial meeting, and thereafter purport to be whatever it is they gather that you want in a man, in order to get you comfortable enough to let them hit. I'm sure there are some men that exist that don't fit into my cynical mold, but I don't know them.

Basically the movie cemented all my rationale for hating to date, and my fear that should I successfully date and marry he will inevitably behave inappropriately with some younger, perkier chippy. It reminded me why I was single, and likely will be.

In other current events news:

Why for the past two nights have I watched some long drawn out car chase through LA? When was the last time someone successfully evaded police in a car chase? Last nights chase was initially suspected to be Chris Brown, and then later DJ Khaled, interestingly the driver did in fact look like Khaled. But it wasn't him, and this guy wasn't kidding, he did end up killing himself. This economic downturn (not necessarily that this guy was suffering from it, he was being chased in his lovely white Bentley) has resulted in quite a desperate community. So desperate as to kill themselves and their loved ones. I always wonder what would have to happen in my life to make me consider ending it? I know the triggers for such behavior vary by individual, but I can't even think of what the circumstances would have to be to make me no longer value my life. I really, really like living, like a lot. It's too bad that others face obstacles that they aren't able or willing to hope, believe, have faith, or simply survive/exist through.

Rihanna and Chris Brown...so sad. Due to a scrape that my little brother (also age 19 at the time) got into over summer, I'd like to wait to hear all sides to the story before demonizing Mr. Brown. However should the reports that she was all bruised, and bitten (WTH??) up turn out to be true...it ain't looking good for C. Beezy.

Finally,let me just take a moment to emphasize how amazing my Lakers are doing. Best record in the league, killed the Cavilers win streak at home, with Kobe only marginally healthy. I'll admit I don't get intent on watching games until after the Superbowl. I am a year round fan of the Lakers, but after the Superbowl I'm all in! And this is going to be our year, I won't be broken hearted like last year, this year we got this!

AI Recap

2009-02-06T02:43:00.000-08:00

I'm watching the show a bit late (too much good stuff comes on on Wed. and I was out late, so some tough viewing decisions had to be made).

This is going to be a cry heavy episode...I'm weary already.

Tatiana....She is a piece of work. The fake crying, the horrible blush, she is just a mess. The overblown sense of paranoia "they are throwing me under the bus", umm you've been rehearsing for like 5 minutes calm yourself down! How her group dealt with that nonsense, is amazing.

The ghetto blk girl is named after the classy and regal Nancy Wilson. I feel for Nancy. And her group mate the blonde chick, who told her she's been nothing but drama...ummm what about her didn't indicate to you that she might be a bit dramatic? The single color, beige, stretch pants, jacket combo-resulting in a cafe con leche looking cat suit, with the fire engine red wig with uniform curls in two layers sitting about an inch and a half off of her head didn't scream (or whisper) to you that his chick might have a flare for the dramatics? Then the other boy in the group with the headband, what he is walking around crying about? Sadly, the ghetto chick does have a point-all this "I need to rest" and we're not done practicing...figuring out choreography, timing, etc, doesn't require you to sing, just get your butt up and work like the rest of the ppl.

That dumb bikini girl! She did all that to get on the show, and now quits b/c she wants to sleep in. These ppl. But then she does show up...if I was her group she would be singing by herself. Oh I can't wait for her lazy behind to get kicked out.

Wow, they are really cracking down on the forgetting of words. At least they threatened to do so, but really didn't after all.

White Chocolate: Why are they rapping, b-boxing? the girl-rapping but no singing, is she serious? SHE DIDN'T SING!!

Action Squad (eliminate them for the name alone): Wow this is bad...who picked this song? this is like a bad highschool performance. The blk guy might kill someone, namely paula. "evil in her eyes"-are you kidding? Oh you're not. Ok well then security!

WOW, the best friends group was awesome. They made Paula clap like a dolphin, so you know it was good. Those two boys are the business.

This white boy with the black hair and the blush, just took me to church with that "Some kind of wonderful", and his jeans tucked into his boots.

The Divas: This shoeless hippie chick, first off-that is nasty. Those girls were too nice to bikini girl...The one that stayed was the only talented one.

Tatiana's team: Yuck. I hate it when loathsome ppl are successful in anyway and/or continue to breath or exist.

Ghetto Bird's Team: This is going to be a hot mess. I love this boy, he is so queer the dancing sealed it for me. The blonde did out sing the bird, though. But they better watch that pistol in her purse, and/or razor under her tongue. The most hilarious part of this episode was when the blonde tried to approach the bird, and with approximately three words scared blondy so badly that she stopped all forward progress, and did all she could to retreat short of running away for her life. I laughed out loud for a full minute. While I am being hard on the black girl, were she a nice person, I'd have more empathy, she was just so negative and rabble rousing from the beginning that it was hard to root for her. Dah well.

Down to 75ppl. I was just about to complain that I didn't see my boyfriend Anoop, and then there at the end, there he was for next week. My heart skipped at him singing the Bobby Brown classic "My perogative"! :)

Until next week.

American Idol

2009-02-04T00:58:00.000-08:00

Some of you may not know this, but I am a bit obsessed with American Idol. Not like I purchase the winners music, or vote weekly (I only vote in the finale if I care about the result), or anything like that. I just don't miss an episode, I love the competition of it all, and the feeling of "I could've sung that", to me it's just a good time. When I lived in Virginia my surrogate family and I used to get together weekly to watch the show. Now that I'm back on my beloved coast I wanted to rekindle that feeling of watching it together with my old fam so I started typing up my thoughts on the show as each contestant performed. Now not only does the fam read my ramblings, but thier co-workers, bosses, friends etc, all get a forwarded copy. The couple times that I missed last year-did not go over well. So anyway I thought I would post up my thoughts here as well, in case any of you are also AI watchers, or have ever wondered what watching TV with me is like.

It’s finally here-Hollywood Week!! Yay!

Only 147 ppl out of 100,000…wow.

Idol bootcamp, Barry Manilow (why is he always so available? Does he never have anything to do? Does he need money? And he stole Oprah’s line: “Luck is when the preparation meets opportunity”)

This 8 in a row, pass the mic down business is brutal. One shot and if it’s no good you go home…eesh.

Lil-why sing Witney? Just why? As Simon always says you’ll never be as good, so what’s the point? But she was good and adorable.

Dennis-aka-scary eye/teeth kid. Yes his face said possessed, and voice wasn’t hot. Ok and the mocking Simon when you get cut-really? Is that still the hotness for season 8? He is rich and you are a nobody…calm yourself down little boy. Aside for which you have far more pressing concerns like that grill of yours.

Nathaniel-pierced kid-Didn’t he sing some random song at auditions as well? And does he have on a headband? He does. He sounded great, but the continued crying makes me want him cut.

Anoop, the Indian boy!!! I love him! He is my fav!

Jasmine-cute girl, sounded lovely. But some what forgettable.

Rose-“Hi guys, its me Rose.” She is on something…or is she prego? She didn’t realize that other ppl would be able to sing…b/c she’s never seen this show, or?? Her awkward movements crack me up. She is folksy, but I fear that might be her only trick.

Stephen-black guy with fro-sang one of my favorite songs, Stevie’s “Where were you when you I needed you, like right now” Ooooh I love it.

Jorge-the eyebrows guy from Puerto Rico…did you see those things, they grew into his sideburns. (and why did Kara call him George? His name is JORGE, get it right!)

Von-Wow there sprite, that was A LOT.

Nick-Norman, the gay comic/singer/irritator/nasal singer…the sad thing is that he took someone’s spot to come act silly. AND that he can kinda sorta sing in a way, if he just sang without all the sillyness. But man he is not easy on the eyes.

Oh, the blind guy made it. I’m glad they didn’t spend forever on him. They are too heavy handed with the sob stories.

The mini Ford commercial in the middle of this episode….Forreal?! Ford we know you need to move some cars, we are bailing you out and all, but wasn’t there a more economical/environmentally friendly way of getting almost 75 ppl through LA, then 3 at a time in your stupid trucks? This is the kind of wasteful indulgence that required your bailing out in the first place. Sheesh.

Jackie-The rocker chick from LA…all the drama/Janis Joplin mimicry…could you just sing please.

Jamar-the pierced cheek boy with the best friend-I thought he was great. I’m wondering if he could have incorporated any more patterns or prints into his outfit though…maybe some cow print, or giraffe skin would’ve been hot.

Danny-the widower-also sounded great. And I love his glasses.

OMG this dag blasted bikini girl, not again. Eww and she is from my old hood…actually that’s about right. (I hate Kara’s hair today, and what is with Paula’s ruffles?) She did start off well, but it didn’t end well…and still she got through. Has it been long enough to establish that I loathe her?

Oil rig guy-He is a big boy, I like it. He sounded good. Big corn fed, works with his hands white boy that sings…lucky wife! (as long as she has a good insurance plan on him…his job is dangerous.)

Jesus (not Christ, but the Spanish guy with kids) -he’s ok. Not bad, but nothing too exciting. I can see why he got cut.

I’m bothered by this Osmond kid-he’s an Osmond, why does he need this show?

Emily-she was dumb. You practice a song, and then make a game time decision to switch to a NO DOUBT song? Gwen Stefani can’t really sing, she can scream, but that’s about it…she got lucky to get through.

Wow they only cut 43 ppl in that round. They need to get to cutting a little harder, starting with the ghetto black girl with the bad wig that they keep advertising…I have a feeling she is going to make me sad to be black, and/or a wearer of wigs.

I might write about tomorrow’s show just because I love group day!

Frequency...

2009-02-02T23:52:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to do better about blogging. I've been neglectful, for no real reason.

But I don't have an overarching theme today. More randomness about my life. You love it, admit it.

No response from failed paramour. Technology is a gift and a curse. I know he read it because I saw him logged into G-Chat today several times. Which means he checked his email, at the very least saw my email and chose to not read it, or even worse read it and not respond-which is the more likely scenario. Who gets an email with the subject, "Why I Don't Call" and opts not to read it? No one. Especially not him. Of course I want feedback! I want a discussion, some acknowledgment of my feelings after having committed them to (paper?) gmail. Instead I got nothing, and won't likely get anything, which is one of the subjects of irritation in the email. Also, why can't I just make him go away? I always think getting my feelings off my chest will provide me some relief, and it does, right after I send it I feel so much better, lighter, relieved, unburdened. And that lasts for all of a couple hours. Then the pondering of if/when/how it will be received, whether it will get a response and when. It just goes on and on, until that curiosity is satisfied by me likely picking up the phone and calling to investigate-or so history says. I guess it could be worse, back in the day ppl sent telegrams, hoped it got there, and had to wait weeks for the delivery and any possible response. I guess that's worse. Although I think the need for instant gratification is a modern development, and let me tell you, I got it bad.

I went and hung out with my whites the other night, a couple of them smoke, and some others decided to have a cigar since it was superbowl sunday...my hair reeks! It smells so bad that I wanted to wash it when I got home but it was too late and too cold to go to bed with a wet head. But I am going to have to change my bedding as well, since I think the smell permeated my pillow cases. You know its bad if I'm willing to walk around with a bun in my head-willingly. This is precisely why I avoid smokers everywhere I go, not to mention I'm pretty sure that I got second-hand smoke cancer last night.

Can anyone explain to me what a urinal cake is? I guess I could just look it up online...Ok so it is what I thought: Urinal deodorizer blocks, also often called Urinal cakes, are the small disinfectant blocks found in urinals. But in this show that I watched tonight the guy lamented that b/c the urinal cake was missing he splashed all over himself. So then I thought perhaps its some sort of anti-splash mechanism contained in urinals...still the secret life of men's bathrooms...all the peeing together, all the rules about which urinal to take if there is another man in there, when its appropriate to take the stall in lieu of the urinal, all of the looking without looking...its fascinating really. Oh, is it fascinating only to me, and kind of gross and appropriately not a topic of conversation to other ppl? Hmmm. Perhaps.

Alright that's all I have for you tonight-stinky hair, love letters on def ears, and urinal cakes! You're Welcome!

...Spectrum...

2009-01-31T22:58:00.000-08:00

Old black men love me.

I can say that definitively. Not in a conceited way. But as a simple matter of fact.

Also I may be more attractive then usual in Ralph's grocery stores. Their lighting works for me. That's not quite tested yet so I won't assert it as fact.

My last two times at Ralphs an older black man made an effort to get in line behind me, and then proceeded to tell me that I was "breath-taking" or "incredibly blessed by God". Odell who paid the first compliment followed it up telling me how much he would like to rest his head on my breasts. The second gentleman was much more modest and told me that if he were a younger man he wouldn't even let me out of the store.

I gotta say, I'm not mad at the attention. It’s nice to hear a man be upfront with his. And what woman doesn't like compliments? I might mess around and get me an old black man, get me some AARP benefits. Don't hate.

Being with said old black man will give me the opportunity to pursue my dreams. What are those you ask? I think maybe I just figured it out-I want to be a travel writer OR I want to be director of human resources or attorney recruiting at a large law firm. Or both/all three. I still have this notion (monkey on my back) about professional prestige or somesuch. I have this need for a title or corporate affirmation. While I think being a travel writer, or in the travel field, full time would be incredible, its not a professional title like lawyer or director of something or other, to me it doesn't connote the same level of achievement. If I'm not actually practicing law I feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life saying phrases like "Well I'm a lawyer but currently I work as a fry cook at Burger King". I wonder why? Why do I need that title so bad? Even though up until now it is gratifying in title only and not at all in practice. A-type, overachieving, petrified of self perceived failure, stuck in false hierarchy corporate america personality type. Yep, that's me.

I wrote quite possibly the longest email of my lifetime today. It's to a failed(?) paramour. It's subject was "Why I don't call.", and I signed out with "Adoration", as you can imagine everything in between was from one end of the spectrum to the other and back again.

I spent about two hours or so sitting outside my local coffee bean today, reading my book, talking on the phone etc. A guy friend called just as I was headed there and asked if I was meeting a date at the coffee shop. I told him no, that I was going solo, and he advised that I not turn into one of those perpetually single but awesome girls, because he was going to be a perpetually single playboy and he was going to be looking for women like me. So to protect myself from him and his ilk I need to get a man. Sage, that one. I told him I was working on it. Am I? Will I?

I wish there was someone that I wanted to make out with, that I don't refer to as the devil incarnate behind his back.

It's a Saturday night and I am at home. That is remarkable. I'd better have a cocktail just to ensure my body doesn't go into shock.

I'm at this strange place in my life where I have more questions then answers. While Rabbi Shumley seems to think that is the best way to live. I think it sucks. I like to know what I'm doing, or at least appear to know, right now I'm not even fooling myself. I miss my girls-JAC, KMo, JLK, Nya, Tiff-how did this happen that my nearest and dearest all live thousands of miles away, AT THE SAME TIME?

I have torn up my house looking for my Teena Marie Greatest Hits CD. I still cannot find it, I MUST find it. And I have to take better care of my CD's, this is the pits.

I can't really cook, right. I don't own any of the right/proper/useful cooking utensils/products/ingredients-basically I just get everything from my sister's house and cook at my own. But in an effort to transform myself into a person who can cook, I’ve been trying it out. This week I made: Salmon in a white wine reduction with (I could not be more proud of my reduction), spinach, and mashed butternut squash. It was a bit ambitious but overall it was pretty good. One day I'm actually going to be a good cook. It wasn't this week but its coming.

I'm watching Kung Fu Hustle. I love this movie. It makes me happy. The fight scenes are so over the top ridiculous. It’s silly and irreverent. Basically its quality modern cinema. :) Also, it’s stupid and escapist-perfect for an evening in with Jack D.

Jenn in Wonderland...

2008-12-14T22:03:00.000-08:00

Hey All,

How goes it? Miss me?

So lately I've been thinking lots about relationships and how I don't have one and why, and what the relationships I see are like, how the men I know behave and interact with women (theirs and others) etc...

I was not a "I believe in fairy tales" kind of kid. I didn't play with baby dolls, I wasn't into make believe. I was an only child with relatively older parents. I spent most of my time with adults, eavesdropping on their adult conversations, adult problems, and adult relationships. My parents were of the children are to be seen and not heard school of thought, and one of the benefits of being quiet was that adults thought I wasn't paying attention, or that I didn't understand. Ha! I was a plethora of information. Every now and again my mother would utilize this resource when she was relaying the details of someones business (gossiping)- "Jennifer, where did Mary say her husband went and how long has he been gone?" However, if I volunteered the information b/c she was telling the story wrong...yeah, I got in trouble.

So I grew up a very practical kid with little imagination. I knew there was no way that I was going to get a pony, so I never asked for one. But I knew that I could ask for a TV in my room, I wouldn't likely get it, but they would instead get me some other sort of electronic that I wanted like a stereo. I knew my limits, I learned when to push them or when to act within the confines of my reality. Confines of my reality-I probably used that phrase at 10. lol. I was too old for my own good. That has carried on into my adult life. I still don't believe in fairy tales. I think that things that are too good, are probably somehow untrue. I believe in the faults and virtues of humans, and I think that the man of my dreams doesn't exist. He can't, b/c in my dreams he is perfectly handsome, impeccably dressed, we are attracted to each other like wild animals, he is a perfect provider, spiritual family head, he is charismatic, funny, outgoing, and can switch his mode from corporate to ghetto at the drop of a hat. We don't fight, we balance each other out, and its all peachy keen at all times. In these same said dreams I have the body of my 20's, hair down my back, and am the envy of all women.

But I know for a fact that this man doesn't exist, because this scenario cannot exist. Marriage is not always peachy keen, its not always any particular way, it ebbs and flows, its high and low, its hard work, and in my dreams there is no work involved.

I guess you could say I'm pessimistic. Especially when it comes to men. My reality is that men are fallible just like me, at some point he will likely fail me, likely hurt my feelings, it might not be intentional but its bound to happen. We're human. We fail. We try but we fall short, and so will the man that I love and so will I. I'll still love him, and hopefully he'll still love me. That's the nature of being human.

So I presume that one day I'll find someone to be human with me. To share the ebb and flow, to enjoy and endure the highs and lows. But I've rarely allowed myself to believe that this man will share my religion. That just seems too much to hope for. To have all the personality points that I desire and share my religion, that man doesn't exist within the confines of my reality.

I've been to a few concerts lately, and from my vantage point seemingly all the attractive men were there with women. Granted, the concerts were Eric Benet and Anthony Hamilton and therefore a perfect destination for couples. Nevertheless, the men/couples that I saw didn't just seem to be on dates, they seemed to be a willing participant in a relationship with a women, a woman who looked something like me. Aside from the occasional roving eye, these seemed like committed coupled up men. Seeing them made the notion of me in a relationship sort of creep up into my reality.

Then on Friday I ran into a friend who was telling me that for the first time in his life he is in a committed relationship, he has an official girl that he actually publicly claims. He is in his mid-twenties, handsome, educated, and this is his first public girlfriend. I asked him what made him decide to finally have this sort of relationship, was it his age or was it b/c of some special quality of this particular woman? He said it was a combo of the two, at this point in his life he's looking for someone with particular qualities, and upon finding them in a package that he likes he decided to lock it down. I'm proud of him, happy for him. Not sure if men actually wanting to be in relationships is a new trend in my reality...

On Saturday I went to a party with my sister, and met some attractive men who seemed to have the personalities that I like, seemed well adjusted and normal, and most strangely of all share my religious beliefs. That's right. That which I dared not allow myself to believe in might actually exist. I still wasn't sure that I believed. Then today I saw those gentleman again, they were still fine, still funny, and then it dawned on me what the problem is with these mythical figures. Because they are so rare, they behave like God's gift. Because women throw themselves at these men, they have an over inflated sense of self. I love confidence bordering on arrogance, but the God's gift mentality is too much for even me. And so the confines of my reality remain in tact...The man I'm looking for who also shares my religion doesn't exist. I'm ok with that. Reality is what it is.

So much....

2008-11-05T20:37:00.000-08:00

Topic 1:

I don't think that I can say anything that hasn't been said about what a moment in history this is for our people, this nation, etc. But I think that the one common sentiment is that it is a moving moment. I'm not sure what it means for race relations in this country, to some extent I fear that it means little to nothing. But it seems to me that on November 4, 2008 it meant that the vast majority of people in this country were indifferent to the fact that Barack is a black man. And that's not to say that those that didn't vote for him did so because he is black, to me it just means that most people in this country are completely ok with a black man being the most powerful person in the world.
I have never thought that all white people are racist, my life experience doesn't lend itself to that hypothesis. I have had far to many white best friends, mentors, teachers and professors, etc...to believe that they are all a bunch of hate mongering people. However I'm ashamed to say that for the average white person I encounter I don't put racism past them, especially if I happen to be in a "red state"/bible belt state/south of the Mason-Dixon. So the chip that I carry on my shoulder as soon as I step foot into one of these states may have been an unecessary burden all this time. Who knew? Who knows?
Whatever anyone's feelings on race may be, yesterday I was moved.

Topic 2:

Have you ever been privy to someones life, not close enough that you are involved directly-but close enough that you can't ignore what you are witnessing...and that life that you happen to be witnessing is a series of bad decision-making, and horrible circumstances after another?
I have these neighbors, who I admittedly have been plotting ways to get them as far away from me and my neighborhood as possible for some time now. Since their arrival its been nothing but a parade of social workers, police officers, screaming, fighting, doors slamming, children seemingly left to their own devices, front yard barbques and patio furniture, and a toodler that flees out of his house over to mine every chance he gets...basically its been a mess. As much as they drive me nuts, ruin property value on the street, and make me sad that they are the other black family on the street, my heart goes out to their children-who have no choice about how they are being raised, or the craziness of their parents.
They have a 17 year old daughter, that has had some difficulty in the past (how could she not have) but is now back living with them and back in school, etc. Every now and again she has a screaming fight with her father, but she has remained at the house for a few months. Recently her boyfriend moved into the house. I have never known or heard anyone use the F word more often, more ineffectually, or in lieu of simple words like this "man". Basically he talks to her like she is 1) dumb, 2) his child/property and/or 3) sub-human. I've only heard her argue back to him on a couple occassions and it usually results in his louder usage of the F word. The other day the mother of the house spoke to me to apologize about all the noise (they are so loud its like I live with them-aka my personal nightmare) and explained that she has told her daughter on several occassions to be more respectful to her boyfriend, that she shouldn't disrespect him. Because he is trying to help her by telling her how she should dress, and behave and if she would just listen they wouldn't have problems.

I wanted to cry on the spot. If this is what your mother is telling you, what is your sense of personal value like? How much self respect do you have? What limits for the way you will be treated have you set?

I've been trying to find an appropriate moment to run into the girl to tell her that this is not behavior that she should have to tolerate at 17, or ever! She isn't married to him, he doesn't support her, they don't have kids, there is nothing to tie her to him, and she is worth more then the way he treats her. I feel compelled to express this to her, I don't think anyone has ever told her. But I'm also petrified of the effect of my apparent befriending of her might be...their lives are far too dramatic for me, but how does one get only half way involved?

The girl and her father had a serious screaming match tonight, he put out her boyfriend yesterday, and a few minutes later I saw her stomping down the street with her suitcase, to God only knows where....I wish I would've had the presence of mind to offer her a ride at the time.

I so fear for the young women of this generation, from the neighbor, to the little girls my brothers date, the language and manner of speech they tolerate from these boys is freightening/maddening/infuriating. Then Soulja Boy speaks and I'm not sure if I shouldn't be more worried about the boys.

Topic 3:

So I'm on my "men are the bane of my existence" campaign right now, but I had lunch with a guy friend today that made me have a little more faith in his gender. Granted his explanation of male behavior was contingent on them being thinking, rational beings, so clearly his thesis was flawed from there. :) But it did settle down my venom somewhat, he reminded me that you aren't all bad. He did point out however that all the ones I deal with are in fact bad...so you know that was an insightful new novel theory.

Topic 4:

I have 'happened' upon some free internet music, including Beyonce's album, but my stupid old computer can't burn the freaking disc....I cannot express what a tease this is. I can listen to it on my computer only!!!!! Not the car, not loud enough for the house, only while sitting on my lap as I work. Some might say that is what I get for 'happening' upon such free internet music...to those some I roll my eyes!

I'm here to help you, help me...

2008-10-06T23:02:00.000-07:00

I'm not that old. I'm not 21 but I'm not all that far from it either. In those years since 21 I have my put my time in at various night spots in various cities with various people. In my years of going out, there are various rules and regulations that I think must be followed to ensure a pleasant evening for all.

First let me say it is imperative that you the go-er outer decide prior to the outing that you are going to have a good time. My years of partying with white ppl have taught me that you can have a good time anywhere, as long as they sell alcohol, and....well actually that's it. I have found through years of careful study that many black ppl have all these conditions, and circumstances that must occur in order for them to have a good time. 4 specific songs must be played in a specific order and at a certain decible level, there must be a certain ratio of men to women, pricing of alcohol must be within a certain range, and everyone in attendance must be black-obvs, etc, etc, etc. It is infuriating, makes me hate you, and never invite you anywhere ever again.

So let me break it down for you in steps:

Step 1: Decide to go out and have a good time with friends. Regardless of who is there, remember you are with ppl that you like and enjoy the company of. Therefore all other things being equal you should be more then capable of having a good time. Unless you don't like these ppl, in which case, don't go out with them.

If you are the invited...
Step 2: Ask where the place is (address, name, vicinity-NOT directions), and what is the attire. DO NOT ask what every single person in the group is going to wear, DO NOT call the night of the event and ask directions to the establishment-you have the name of the place, you have the internet-if you don't you don't need to be going out anyway, you have other priorities like catching up to 2008. If you hate this place but have NO OTHER suggestions, do not complain about the place. You only get to complain if you are ready and willing to offer an acceptable alternate location...even then, if you are vetoed-get over it, and have a good time.

Step 3: Make logical travel/arrival arrangements. If you live next door to the place don't drive two counties in the opposite direction just to carpool, so you won't have to walk in by yourself (if you are an adult why can't you walk into a place by yourself????? How do you grocery shop? Go to Target? Get gas? Go to work? Unless you are a siamese twin going places alone should be a part of your daily routine). Also, if the plan is to meet at 10p don't call/text at 9:45 with modified arrangements usually involving someone waiting on you, or picking you up. And if you know, that you have to pick up little johnny from his grandmother, or have an early morning appt and you need the sleep-DON'T CARPOOL! No one is going to want to leave as early as you have to, and you shouldn't put ppl in that position-drive your own car.

Step 4: Be prepared to pay. Going out involves money. There is the valet, or parking of some sort, there is the possible cost of admittance, there are drinks to buy, tips to give. Do not be the person so pressed to hold onto cash that you are parking 10 blocks away (we're too old for that), breaking your neck and cursing out ppl in your party in a futile attempt to arrive before 10 or whatever arbitrary time the promoter has set up to taunt ppl (there is no way to make it before the time-they set it up that way, its a trick to get the line full early-however i guarantee they will hold you in that line until its time to pay...you might as well just get there when you get there), not buying a drink because you claim not to want one, until someone else in the party takes pity on you and buys you a drink but you never reciprocate the favor (stop frontin' and buy a dag on glass of SOMETHING-even water). Additionally, just because you didn't drive doesn't mean that parking is free! In fact you should more inclined to pay for parking since your gas was spared-chip in on parking-its a sin to make a person drive and pay for their own parking.

Step 5: Be easy. Enjoy the music, talk to a stranger about something random, dance to your favorite song when its played, when a 90's song comes on do a 90's dance, talk about ppl, be lively-even if you don't feel like it, if not then go home you are under no obligation to stay. If you are a light weight, don't try to out-do yourself, just b/c this is your one outing doesn't mean the rest of the party-goers want to take care of you.

If you are the Invitee
Step 2: Chose a location and time and dissemenate this information ahead of time. Don't make general allegations of a plan-"Let's meet up after _____ for drinks". This is not making plans unless you follow this up with concrete details re: time and place. Furthermore, if you have no ideas about where to go, don't poo-poo all other suggestions. Nor should you plan an event and then expect someone else to give you the perfect location-again, you have the internet do some research, and even if you make a poor choice try to have a back up plan and keep in mind that you are with your buddies so you should be able to have fun anywhere.

Step 3-5: Follow the same steps as above.

Because I go out frequently I often encounter ppl who would like to join me in my exploits. I'm thinking of making these steps into a legally binding contract. You will not be welcome to join me until you sign the aforementioned. Is that rude?

Euphemisms...

2008-09-22T20:14:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know I like cleavage. I am fortunate enough to have an ample supply and from time to time (read: pretty much all the time excluding church) I like to "display" if you will that with which I have been blessed. I was recently told by a good christian man that I had been blessed by God, as he fell face first into the ravine that is my ample bossom. I was amused.

Over the weekend an acquantince mentioned that he was sorting his photos and came across photos of me from the very same night-his roommate then chimed in..."I knew I recognized you from somewhere". The evening we had this conversation I was all covered up, "modest" as I like to call it. As I explained my modesty, my acquaintence replied, "You can't hide a table with a table cloth." Brilliant. He and I are now friends, and this is my favorite quote. As he explained there are many variations of the same point-you can't hide a bed with a sheet, you can't hide a circus with a tent, etc, etc, etc. I love them all...the circus might be my second favorite.

The next night we went to one of my favorite hangouts-The Abbey. For new readers/non LA readers, The Abbey is this beautiful gay bar in West Hollywood (AKA-Boys Town), and Sunday is black night at the Abbey. Less techno and more hip hop is played, and black men are in more then usual abundance. My girls and I agreed that it was an incredibly sad night. This was the largest grouping of sexy, tall, black men we had ever seen in LA in one place at one time (this might be a slight exaggeration the UCLA Reggaefest is pretty prime as well). All of them dressed to the nines, bodies of perfection, some manicured to a fault others looking more manly then the straightest of straight men. It was a sight to behold. And explained the lack of tall, sexy men at my hetero clubs...sigh. Despite the sadness of it all, it was fun...people watching at its best. I'm only confused by the amazingly convincing transvestites and/or cross dressers...if you want to be a woman why are you here seeking a gay man...I guess its because they still have the parts but its still a point of confusion for me. But I guess its none of my business, and none of my concern. I just gotta make sure that I don't end up on a date with someone I recognize from the Abbey.

All in all it was a lovely weekend...I'm watching "Raising the Bar" on TNT, and the guy who played Ricki on "My So Called Life", is on the show...and he looks AMAZING! I mean he is still tiny and super gay, but he looks good!

Blown Away...

2008-09-17T22:32:00.000-07:00

I haven't had much to say to/from/at the blog lately. I think it is because so much of what is on my mind is rather negative and kind of whiny and I just haven't felt like putting all that into the atmosphere. Ya know?

I have a tendancy to do this. I prefer to pretend that everything is ok, mostly b/c I know that sooner rather then later it will be-so what's the use in dwelling. And then after resolution I deal with whatever emotions are left over-usually none. See its a brilliant way to deal with emotions-no muss no fuss.

I miss my Virginia family. As much as I complained about being there. And Lord knows I did some complaining. I had an amazing family take me in and allow me to treat thier home as my own-I need to plan to see them sometime soon.

My bestest is coming to town. I'm hype. I love when she visits. But I always feel so bad for her, because she gets pulled in so many different directions. She has so many ppl to see in such a short period of time, family, friends, there are the obligations and the things that she would like to do, and of course the rest that she doesn't get. It seems less like a vacation and more like a schedule she has to strictly adhere to. But as is her nature she handles it all with a smile.

My mom called me the other day to tell me about a conversation she had with some mothers of some boys I knew growing up. The other moms revealed to my mom that thier sons had crushes on me during our formative/teenage/young-adult years. My mother was astounded by this, like she simply could not believe that these two could possibly like me of all ppl in the world. I was like i'm sorry should I be offended...have you not seen me? Why is this such a shock to you? She replies no I'm not shocked about someone liking you, i'm shocked about them liking you-have they not seen themselves? In what world would they ever be good enough for you? Do you remember what they looked like? She then follows that up with-I mean i'm sure they have fine spiritual qualities and that's what you should be looking for anyway, but i'm just saying! People always wonder where me and my sister get it from...good ole Jackie...we came by it naturally.

I haven't been watching enough football. Hopefully tomorrow night I'll get to watch the game.

Good night and good luck.

Absentia....

2008-09-06T22:51:00.000-07:00

HEY!!!

I have a religious retreat this weekend, and I literally have nothing to wear tomorrow. I hate that feeling. Isn't it sad that none of my newer clothes are long enough, have a high enough neck line, or cover enough skin to wear to a religious event. Sheesh. Apparently I need some religion bad since apparently I only shop to go to the club these days.

Speaking of the club, I loathe this one particular club, one particular bouncer in LA. He is so blatantly white only selective that he makes me crazy. If your a white girl in a little piece of nothing, or even a not that attractive white girl with a gut...you are in. If you have a darker complexion-non white (although some Asian women are acceptable-but in LA they share most of the rights and privileges of the white girls) you can bet you will be ignored. I have only been to this club one other time, a friend was visiting out from out of town wanted the celeb hollywood experience and this place was sure to give it to her. We waited forever with every other colored girl, while every single white girl of any variety, dressed in any style was allowed in upon appearance. When we finally got in I commented that perhaps we wouldn't have had to wait so long if we were white...He pretended to get an attitude. Anyway I tried the club again b/c there was an event there, that had a list. My girlfriend and I signed up, got on the list +2. Voila, should have been no muss no fuss. Yeah, not so much. My friend who I deem "universally attractive" (meaning white, black, mexican, persian, other men are all into her) and is persian/indian got as much non attention as I did. She was outraged, I was hot but determined not to allow him to ruin my evening. We went to a nearby bar had a blast anyway and plotted ways to ruin that little man's life. The "power" that door guys think they have...he is the worst kind of example of that crap.

Sarah Palin makes me almost vomit. So does John McCain. So do Republicans. Its not that Dems are so much better or really different for that matter. But at least they are able to hide their contempt for the common man a little better, Repubs don't even try-"we love rich ppl, we will make you richer on the backs of whatever poor downtrodden we can find. Also, rah rah Jesus". Monkeys.

Speaking of Jesus-I love gospel music! But only on the low...and really i only know like 2 Gospels songs, including God is Tryna Tell you Something which is the Color Purple. But yeah I can admit it, I'm a closet gospel fan....Don't tell my Granny..or mom.

Speaking of my mom, we are all going on a family vacation to Myrtle Beach in December-Xmas week in fact. I think it might be fun...but how does one go to the beach and dress modestly? T-shirt, shorts? Do they make high-necked bathing suits? My mom, gotta love her.

Its football season!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA! I'm hype.

I have two friends that are in love and some stuff...One is planning a wedding the other has started to talk about the possibility of getting married. Its super cute for both of them. I'm really happy for them, and I think their relationships do melt a little of my cold blackened heart :)...but I hadn't listened to India Aire's Acoustic Soul in a minute. Listening to it the other day, the last verse of the song "Promises" reminded me of the two of them...It's so nice to know-even only by a degree of separation-a couple of gentleman who keep their word. Its refreshing news.

"Her wedding day and she's thinking ‘bout the way he won her affection
She was so cynical about love ‘cause she didn't want to be heart broken again
He looked her in her eye with sincerity, said he only wanted to protect her so she
Took a chance on him and she's glad she did because he came for real
And he did, just what he said, for that she'll love him forever
He kept his word to her, for that she'll love him forever"

Hope all is well...

June

2008-07-02T23:39:00.001-07:00

Gosh I haven't even posted in June...the beginning of the month was spent preparing for my trip to St. Maarten, then there was the trip, then I got back and had a bunch of work to catch up on...and now here I am.

Hi.

I love vacation, it is one of the main reasons that I work. I like the ability to go where I want when I want, see the world, see the people of the world, and lay on as many different beaches as possible.

Yeah that's right, I'm black and I love to tan. Not like year round, tanning bed craziness. More like I enjoy laying on the beach soaking up sun. And man o man did I soak up some sun in St. Maarten. The beaches are beautiful, the water is clear, the people are so nice, and the men there love me, alcohol is super cheap...its sublime. I wonder aloud all the time-why is it that I don't live on an island? Then I remember-the one main two lane road on the entire island, the peoples general lack of urgency, the ridiculous tourists, and my inability to appreciate a "slow paced" life.

All in all the trip was great, my co-travelers were fantastic, we ate, we drank, we partied, we rested, did a little bit of everything-it was a very well balanced trip. We decided (and asked) that the employees of the resorts must at least occassionally score with some of the tourist women. Because lord knows they spit game HARD, I felt like I should tip them for the compliments alone. They wouldn't respond to my query about how often they score with the drunken women at the resort I imagine it couldn't be that hard...fulfilling the mandingo fantasy of some drunken suburban housewife-like shooting fish in a barrel.

After the islands I went to NY to visit JAC for a bit. I cannot recall every seeing so many sexy men in the same city in the same weekend. It was big backs as far as mine eye could see. I don't know how I would handle myself if I lived there...I felt like I was on a farm where they grew tall, thick, big backs-aka my dreamland. Granted whether they possessed the other attributes important to me is a mystery, but my my were they easy on my eyes.

I also went out in NY. First to a rooftop bar-230 Fifth- and then to 40/40. Both were very nice, I had a good time. Not all that much different from going out in LA-except the line to get into the bar was much longer, and 40/40 has no cover charge all night...therefore almost all black ppl in NY were at the club during the exact moment that I was there. I was completely surrounded by ppl, the dude behind me was dancing with me, i was just standing in my spot trying not to get knocked over. I lasted all of 5 minutes and then it was a wrap. I can't be that surrounded, its too hot and all I can think about is how I will be trampled in the event of a fire.

Now I'm home. Back to my bed, my car, my dog...not all bad, but it was nice not working, not having mail (I loathe post office mail-email me or leave me alone), and just being elsewhere.

To you: I literally ache for you. I can only imagine what you are feeling/going through. It blows and you, of all people, don't deserve it. You are in my prayers. I want to believe that someone somewhere can be/is successful at this endeavor, that belief is becoming harder and harder keep up. But you're better then me in that regard (and many others) so I know that you will keep the faith for both of us.

Also, pure white hennessy is the truth!

Game 101

2008-05-28T23:44:00.000-07:00

Let's discuss Game, shall we.

I'm sure this is a conceited thing to say but i've never been on a date wherein I wasn't in complete control. That is to say in a contest of who had more game...the obvious answer was me.

Tonight I met my match. In fact I am certain that I was outgamed, out thought, out impressed. In a land of dreamers and wannabes I'm a successful young woman with all her own, I need not from any man. But tonight, tonight I was the one who was impressed, I was the one who was thrown off her game, the one shook. Shook. I was actually shook.

Anyhow-I had a great date with the restaurant conceptualist, and older men may in fact be for me...forget about these young men...lead me, show me something new, kind sir.

Bianca my Belle...

2008-05-25T17:13:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows I love LA. I also love my car and driving. Generally having a car in LA is sometimes problematic. I could never say that I hate driving in this city, but there are definitely times that driving in LA is more of a burden then a pleasure.

Last night was not one such time.

Not many people were out, no police were out...it was perfect. I drove fast just because, I raced ppl who thought they could keep up, I weaved between cars just because I could. It was beautiful. Just driving around town I forget how powerful Bianca (my car) is, I forget that she is in fact a race car. Last night it all came back to me.

I feel back in love with my car again last night...she is the ultimate driving machine. I am forever a German engineering kinda girl.

Dagblasted Fresno...

2008-05-24T16:16:00.000-07:00

Something about being in SF makes me feel the need to blog...maybe its the being in a new place feeling like I'm on a quick mini vacation.

Anyhow I got up at 3:30 this morning. Three-Thirty in the am...umhmm the same time that I'm often getting home is the time I had to get out of the bed this morning. Even my dog was like yeah you're on your own with all that waking up business, she looked up at me, then turned back around in her doggy bed.

I managed to get myself put together pretty quickly-due to elaborate preparation from the night before, every article of clothing laid out for me to put on, hair curled the night before, simple makeup thrown in my purse, I cannot be asked to think that time of morning. Out the house by 4 at the airport by 4:15, and sitting at my gate by 4:40. Clearly I overestimated the various lines to get into LAX for my 6am flight. So I passed the time ppl watching and talking to my parents.

After discovering that the flight is delayed, I'm chatting with the girl next to me about how I'm going to Fresno, she queries about why I didn't just fly into Fresno-"what!!?? There is an airport in Fresno, they told me I had to fly to Oakland! This is what happens when I don't do my own research." I am indignant. Then she mentions that the train I'm planning on taking to Fresno doesn't go that far. I hear her talking but she seems dingy so I'm not all that concerned, plus "they" told me that the train took them to Fresno for court just a couple weeks ago.

After the delay I arrive in Oakland at 8:10, I'm supposed to be in court in Fresno at 9am. I ask the first rent-a-cop I see at the airport whether it'll be quicker to take the train to Fresno or a cab. He looks at me and is like do you know how far Fresno is from here. I say no, but think to myself-if I knew the answer to that would I be asking you this question. He then explains while laughing at me that the train absolutely does not go to Fresno, that I couldn't have seen that online, and that I would never make it for my 9am appt. Bullocks! Being that I planned out this trip yesterday, looking online to see where the train would drop me off vs. where the courthouse was I could not fathom that I could have been so misdirected (read: wrong). So I persevered on, despite the rent-a-cops kind albeit mocking/kidnappy assertion that if he were getting off from work he'd take me on the 2 hour drive to Fresno himself, to the information counter grabbed a train map and hoped on the bus to the train-either way I had to get on the train b/c the only other plan for today was to have lunch with my girlfriend and she was in SF which is Definitely on the train route. I sit down on the bus break out the train map and sure enough no Fresno anywhere-oh crappity, crappit, crap. I break out my detailed plans that I obtained from the trusty internet yesterday and confirm-yep I'm supposed to be on Park Paseo Dr. FREMONT, CA at 9am.
Dang.
Fremont.
Lo and behold Fremont is clearly a train stop, doesn't have an airport and I'm an idiot working off of little sleep.

My colleague informed me that the train stop to court was a good little walk, the internet confirmed its about a half mile, and while granted that is walkable. I am not that kinda girl, so I call ahead to have a taxi meet me there. Besides the flight delay set me back timewise and I did not have the time or patience to be trying to hoof it. I get in the cab and tell him where I'm going in his thick middle eastern accent he informs me not so nicely that the courthouse is right on the corner...no one takes a cab to the courthouse b/c its so close...its just right there...ppl normally walk...its not a long walk...
I finally informed him-i am not ppl, the two lefts and one right turn he made indicate it is NOT on the corner, and most importantly I didn't want to walk! Sheesh. Can't a girl take a cab in peace!

I hadn't missed my case which was great, sat in court for literally hours! Finally finished that and headed back on the train to SF. This big guy sat behind me. I love the big boys don't get it twisted but I should not be able to hear you breath as if you are breathing in my ear after a long run around the block from a rabid dog and his murderous kkk owner.

Get to SF, and am standing in front of my girls job, which is apparently the only non sex shop on the street. Convenient for someone I presume. While waiting on the street for her to come down, apparently moved by all the adult toys around me I literally showed my behind to some unsuspecting little asian man. Yeah he saw my full, bare, bum. I forget that SF is not LA, a flirty little lightweight skirt will get blown over your head or up to your chest in my case...just ask the unsuspecting asian man.

We had a great lunch and I managed to keep my no-no parts to myself for the rest of the afternoon-which was no small feat.

Per usual SF was fab. Too bad I didn't get to shop. My friend and I vowed that the next time I came we would get a hotel and spend some time drinking and chillin-the girl knows me what can I say.

Be careful what you ask for...

2008-05-18T21:26:00.001-07:00

Men.

Sigh.

My girlfriend asked for a hot guy, great body, just someone to share her bed with, he didn't even have to talk. What she got was a very, very sexy chocolate man, great body, and dumb as a bag of rocks.

I requested a big backed, baller, charming, bossy etc. Basically all the usual things that I look for (you know since its been sooooo sucessful for me in the past) in a man. What I got was all those things, literally a back to write home about, unimaginable swagger, flossy car etc. Also, he's a stripper. Not just any stripper, but according to all the black woman that I've talked to about him, he is the Jay-z of strippers in LA. My life is hilarious. There is only one all black male strip club in LA and he is apparently the headliner at said club. Nearly every single woman that I've mentioned his name to, at the shop, my book club, friends from highschool, the ladies at the revival I went to (ok, just kidding about the last one), all of them knew EXACTLY who I was talking to at the mere mention of his name. I could just imagine going out in public on a date with this gentleman...again my life is funny. And clearly I need to be more specific with my requests.

A new restaurant opened downtown, its lovely, great food, and the owner has a back that seems to be cut out of rock. He's very nice, but i'm convinced that something has to be wrong with him. I just mean b/c of my track record it would only make sense that he has something horribly wrong with him.

Today my little brother, who for whatever reason is desperate for neices and nephews, had a showcase performance. Apparently the local chapter of the NAACP has a talent competition for kids and my little brother won first place in classical singing. Yeah you read that right, classical singing. I had no idea that he did that...I was certain that he was going to be singing some Chris Brown, maybe a little Brian McKnight if I was lucky. Anyhow, I arrive there to discover that the gentleman leading the meeting is incredibly handsome, like beautiful. My stepmom leans over to me and asks, "so you want to join the NAACP", I replied, "no I'm good". A few moments later, a second possibly even more attractive big backed man walked in and I leaned over to my stepmom and said....do you have a membership application on you? My brother then decided that dude #2 and I should start seeing each other (surprisingly the boy has good taste) and proceeded to crudely "introduce" us, and give dude the "holla at her" eyes. My little 16 yr old brother hooking me up. I couldn't pick between them, they were both articulate, smart, funny, handsome, big backed. So I just played it cool with both, and gave them both my card in case the organization could use my services...you know I am giving that way. We'll see what happens.

The exes are still hanging around. They should form a club. The sometimey club. They could have meetings to discuss ways to reenter and then abruptly leave my life. It'd be fun like a little social club.

Sigh.

Men.

Been too long...

2008-05-12T00:27:00.000-07:00

Gosh April 13th was the last time I was on here. My, my that was a long time ago.

Well hello there, all.

Things are going well. I can't complain.

The trip to St. Marteen is on and poppin. I'm super crunk about it. So crunk that I've given up carbs in preparation and turned to cooking. And guess what...I'm a pretty good cook!!! Turns out my family cooking gene, from both sides, did get passed down. Who knew! My sister said it looks like I'll make someone a good wife after all. Me? A good wife?! Forreal?! Pretty much I still can't see cooking every night, that business is exhausting. But i'm pretty good at cooking multiple things at the same time, so all cooking takes place on Sunday and must last all week.

Also, I am never going to a hetero club again. My co-workers brother came into town from Chicago and since he is gay we took him to our favorite homo club-the abbey. Apparently that was my night, apparently I have never nor will ever look that good again. I love compliments from gay men, they are the most pure compliments you can get from a man. He doesn't want me, and likely knows more about fashion, hair and makeup then I can ever hope to learn. So after hearing that I was georgeous about 12 times (which is exactly 11 more times then i've ever heard it at a hetero club) I made the decision that the gays are in fact for me. Now if only I could do something about all the techno...if we could resolve that I might move into the abbey. Of course there is also the issue of how to deal with the lesbians...

Just finished a great book about a mother daughter relationship gone wrong. It was interesting to read about the dynamic when the mother spent most of her daughter's life as an alcoholic. The book is Orange, Mint & Honey by Carleen Brice. I recommend it.

I also recommend this chick Adele from Europe, is it just me or does Europe put out the best blue eyed soul these days.

My little brother asked to use my car for prom in a couple weekends. Just the thought of it makes me tense up. I have to check my insurance coverages before I can even think about it. I'm scared not only for my car, ok mostly for my car, but also that he'll wrap the car around a tree and kill his fool self. And then I won't have a car...and one less brother. Who I obviously love dearly. :)

That's all I got for now...but good to see you all again...been too long.

Weekend Wrap-up...

2008-04-13T23:11:00.000-07:00

Its summer...so for black ppl that means cooking meat outside with all your family and friends...Its BBQ time! They really are a fun time. There's food, liquor, people are in a good mood, women in summer dresses, good times are typically had by all.

I had a lovely time at K&M's BBQ. They are one of my top two favorite couples, I love them individually and as a couple, they're great-they give me hope for what I might one day have...all that good black love. They also have a wealth of great friends, yours truly included-obvs! It also doesn't hurt that they have a bunch of fine male friends making the eye candy almost as delicious as the food. Despite all of the chiseled, big backed distractions, I met some great girls as well. We followed that up with a visit to saddle ranch at Universal citywalk...didn't love it. It was just the most randm amalgamation of people, and I don't know if I'm just getting old or lazier, but I hate going to places that I have to stand all night...I want to sit down sometimes, all that standing ALL night is for the birds, the young birds.

The night before that we went to Tantra in Silverlake...I heard one of the best DJ sets I've heard since the last time Quest was in town...Jay Z from Reasonable Doubt days, Mos Def, Estelle, Sade, Groove Theory, some Brazilian music...aside from the couple literally having sex in the booth next to me, it was Great! No cover, super chill, I highly recommend it. Plus, I met Darryl from The Office!! He was so nice, he is my new favorite character on The Office.

Per usual the weekend was busy, but fun...This week/end is more of the same. Jay and Mary concert is coming up-YAHOO!-then a chilled out weekend of outings.

Also, Dating Sucks...

2008-03-31T21:49:00.000-07:00

Yeah so I went out with Flower Guy. It was ok. Just ok.

Here are a few tips re: how to quickly piss Jennwill off on a first date.

Step 1: Be significantly late without a call or text message stating that you are running late. What is "significantly" you ask? We're meeting for essentially an hour lunch, you show up at 12:15...yeah that's significant.

Step 2: During said date talk/text excessively, without acknowledging that you were being rude. I understand having to conduct business during your lunch hour, that's not a problem. It is however a problem when in the middle of my sentence I hear you say "hello" and look up to see you answering your phone, or while I'm talking I totally lose your attention and eye contact because you are texting or responding to emails. My issue with this is, you invited me out. You called and requested my company. So now I'm here at your request, and what are you doing...you are on the phone and texting. Yeah that is irritating.

But he's not a bad dude, other then these two things it was a pretty standard first date. So when he offered to take me to the Laker game I was like sure! I could care less if he answers his phone, texts or whatever else while we're there...I'm trying to get floor seats or close to it before I die. Is that so wrong!? No.

So yeah, dating still sucks. It's all a show, a pretense. You put on your best "Flower guy" persona and I put on my best "Jennwill", which is really my normal self, just a little less sarcastic...and you say what you think I want to hear...He was very happy to say that he wanted a bunch of kids, and was shocked and appalled by me balling up my face at that comment-4 kids?? Who has 4 kids in this day and age? Who can and afford 4 kids and even if you could, why?...yeah you thought a single woman in her mid to late 20's would be pleased to hear that you want to father a small nation-HA!-not this one, and I'm sure I was supposed to say how much I love children and can't wait to be a mother etc...except I don't like kids and would rather work until my last breath then to take care of some kids. But I'm sure that typically works with other girls with my stats.

Anyhow I'll let you all know when the Laker game is! Pray for floor seats people, floor seats!

My Weekends...

2008-03-23T23:37:00.000-07:00

I was asked to elaborate on what became of my desire to get dressed up and be hit on by men...It went well. The end.

I kid, I kid.

My weekends have been pretty good lately. Last weekend I went to celebrate my friends new job at this bar in century city with my girl from the Lou. Lately I have been getting lots of attention from older white men. and what with my mission to meet and marry a rich man, isn't the worst thing in the world. While none of them merited my time...the thing with white guys is I always feel like their interest in me is more of a novelty or "something new" rather then genuine interest/attraction. Anyhow-the attention was both out of the ordinary and nice.

The next night I went to a house party and then a club at JAC's fav spot-Blvd 3. I love that place! The layout is awesome, the DJ was great and even the go-go dancers were impressive. Those girls were forreal, forreal dancing. My girl S and I met up with some of her law school friends, she is Indian, her best friend is this white guy, and the culb is typical LA mixed crowd. Whenever she and I go out I ALWAYS get hit on by a persian, indian, and/or white guy. It is the funniest thing, its almost like they think-well since she has a non black friend, clearly she would like non-black men. I'm not bothered by this mind you, in fact I actually rather like it-its made for some fascinating conversations. I've learned that since 9/11 its been tough on the dating game of my persian brothers here in LA. He informed me that despte his appearance he is in fact NOT a bomb making fundamentalist. That made me laugh. Anyhow we had a lovely time, I danced hard, looked cute, fun times were had by all.

This weekend was more of the same. Summer is around the corner so my outings might pick up in frequency...thankfully I am well equiped with summer dresses galore! I discovered Sarah Jessica Parker's Bitten line at Steve & Berry's everything 8.98...yeah needless to say its a GREAT line. :)

This weekend my boy Ken is throwing a party. Which gives me a perfect opportunity to look super adorable while just so happening to run into my previous mr. man..."Oh wow, fancy meeting you here...what's that you say my stunning hair, makeup, outfit and shoes...this old frock and shoes, what make up? I wake up looking like this, and yeah I guess I did change my hair since last i've seen you...dah well enjoy the party" (walks away with hard switch due to impossibly tall heels and therefore super sexy calves)...and scene.

I gave a guy my business card at the Standard Hotel rooftop bar a couple weeks ago, and he sent flowers to my office, and followed up with a phone call last week. It was the sweetest thing. So I'm having a drink with him on Thurs...I'll let you know how that goes, provided that is that I am not kidnapped and held hostage as all my guy friends are telling me is going to happen. Here's to hoping for the best!

Music makes me...

2008-03-13T23:04:00.000-07:00

My mood yo, it has been up and down! I had an irritating early morning wake up call this morning. I hate when ppl who KNOW that I am sleep, or will likely be sleep, call me in the morning. Why are you calling me? What can't wait until the afternoon? So yeah that got me up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. But then in a wonderful turn of events, work was really empty, and it was lovely and sunny, and I wanted to go get food from my favorite new soul food vegitarian spot...so at about 3:30...I opened up the roof on the newly clean, sparkly whip, blasted the Kidz in the Hall Geniuses Need Love Too mixtape and bounced. That definitely made for a nice afternoon.

My other newly discovered musical gem is Pacific Division they have a blend tape that is pretty hot. I love it when hip hop is light and fun, full of punch lines, and wit. This kid Wordsworth used to be one of my favs he is now with a group called EMC I believe, I downloaded their mixtape, but haven't heard it in the car yet-I haven't listened to something until I've heard it in my car. I also listened to Snoop's Ego Trippin today, it wasn't bad. I'm not a Snoop fan really, the only album I can recall hearing in full was Doggystyle other then that I hear only the singles. But this album was pretty good. I had burned it for my little brother along with a bunch of other stuff, that when I got there and saw that his lip was busted from some fight that he got into over a girl at school, I regretted burning for him at all. I know the music didn't/doesn't affect me (although my language skills and "colorful" verbs and adjectives tend to take a serious turn for the worst when I OD on rap) I just feel like he is so much more impressionable. And its not just conceit on my part, I just see him trying so hard to be "hard" and from the streets and all that crap, I worry that one day he might actually fool someone into believing that he is in fact a threat. Not sure that Lil Wayne and Rick Ross will help or hinder him from getting there, but I just feel obligated to do whatever I can to keep that from happening. He makes me so glad that I don't have kids and that I don't want any. I love him, but good Lord he is an idiot. Not that he's academically dumb, he's just a 16 year old boy and in my opinion they are not exactly built to make good decisions. He is however cute, funny, charming, and mannish...thankfully he hasn't quite yet mastered how to put all those qualities together but when he does...I fear.

I feel the need to put on something sexy and go get hit on by men this weekend. I need some male attn. But I am a one night only kind of girl, I only want to talk to you while I am at the establishment. Once we leave here I really don't ever want to see you again. I am into ppl based on the circumstance of our proximity...for instance if I meet/see Tom (random name used for example-lets say he is just a dude, not someone i'm blown away by-just some dude) at the gas station or grocery store, I am highly unlikely to talk to him aside from "excuse me". But if I see the same Tom at a club or lounge I might talk to him purely b/c I need/want someone to talk to. I'm still not attracted to him, I don't want him for any purpose, I just want to meet someone new and learn about them. And thats it. Whether we hit it off or not, there is nothing as fun to me as that initial meeting when I get to learn all the superficial fun stuff about you. We get to be flirty and light. A second meeting is never as fun, and feels so much more contrived. I try to explain this to men, they don't seem to get it. I think their instant mission is to get the number and the eventual goal is to get the goods-I vote no on both. So does that mean I am wasting their precious club time chatting them up knowing fully well I have zero plans of helping them accomplish neither of their missions? Should I start with a disclaimer: "Hi, I'm Jennifer, I'm going to talk to you, flirt with you, maybe even dance with you, my friends and I are going to laugh and joke with you, lavish you with attention and make onlookers believe that you are in fact the man. All of these actions will result in you thinking you have a shot at me/possibly us...you don't. Any questions?" OOOhhhh maybe when I introduce myself I should say FYI there is fine print. If they casually dismiss the comment I don't bring it up, if they ask then I give them the disclaimer...Because for whatever reason me simply saying, you are never going to be able to get me on the phone, or you will never be able to pin me down to a date, isn't working. They are not convinced.

Ok well its time for LOST!

Not much...

2008-03-04T22:15:00.000-08:00

First lets talk TV...Making the Band 4-the boys are SOOOO much more interesting then the girls. All of Dawn's drama was getting on my nerves, Aubrey and her "we're platinum selling artists" seriously Aubrey-I know ONE person that owns your album-I'm assuming all the rest were purchased by children so please get off your own jock.

Two new shows that I love are Breaking Bad and Dexter. One is about a guy dying of lung cancer who turns to cooking meth to get some money to leave his family. The other is about a police employee who kills and dismembers killers and other bad men that slip through the cracks of justice. You all know how I love my uplifting TV.
Americal Idol is not that great this year. Lost is amazing! The new Oprah show basically requires a box of tissue per viewing. Thank goodness I haven't tried to watch an Oprah show AND the GiveBig on the same day I might strain my tear ducts. When the shows come back following the strike I am going to be stressed out trying to watch everything.

I was wondering the other night what I did before DVR (Tivo). Did I stay home and watch stuff? I remember having serious difficulty with the VCR, so did I just miss things? That is no way to live. Tonight during my prayers i'll be thanking God for the blessing of DVR without it my life would be so much less.

I haven't much been in the mood to blog...there is sooooo much (sorta) that I want to say to a particular someone but I refuse, I'm fairly certain that I have said it all before and I hate repeating myself so I will keep my thoughts to myself.

I think that relationship trouble is cyclical...like everyone I know will be in throws of angst for a while and then content for a while and then angst again, and on and on, over and over. A friend of mine theorized that its seasonal, summer (for obvoius reasons) is the worst time for relationships while winter is the best. I think there is some truth to that...what was the poem/literature titled "The Summer of my Discontent" about?

Pray for me I have TMJ.

Speaking of Danity Kane I am listening to the album now and am (SHOCKED! APPALLED!!) underwhelmed. Sorry JAC. :)

Today has been brutal at work...drinks on me at the house!

Its summer in the city...

2008-02-26T21:19:00.000-08:00

I'm hype tonight and guess why???????!!!! It's HOT!!!! Yay! I walked out of the house this morning in my jacket and closed toed shoes and had I not been running late, per usual, I would have turned around to change into some open toes and a jacketless outfit. Now it feels like Cali. Now I'm hype. It feels like spring/summer is here, like this is LA, like its pedicure and fresh press season, like its light makeup summer dress season. My absolute favorite season.

I am determined (DETERMINED) to spend some serious quality time with the beach down the street from my house this season. I was on vacation last month worshipping at the alter of the beach and realized...I live up the street from a beach that I barely go to...why am I so excited to be at the beach? Last year I went to the beach twice...how sad is that? So this year...you'll find me at the beach-yo. But I gotta take my vitamins, get a TB shot, and pack some mace to be hanging out at a cali beach lol.

I'm also super excited to be hooking up with one of my favorite people for dinner/drinks at one of my favorite new places tomorrow night...Things are starting to look up!

"I don't like unless it's brand new....

2008-02-20T00:23:00.000-08:00

You might see me in my brand new whip/bumping my brand new ish/ you don't like it get off my brand new ---k, ----a." Rhymefest.

I feel very brand new these days.

I'm eating new things-trying out vegetarianism for a while. I'm all hype to hit up some of the much talked about vegetarian restaurants in LA.

I'm getting a new tire-with all the hateful things that have been done to my beloved car, i'm pretty convinced that someone intentionally did something to it. But I can't think of anyone that cares about me that much.

My hair is new-got a new spring/summer lighter color. Love it.

I'm looking for a new job, in a new field of law.

I just watched this Oprah with Suze Orman about women getting smart with their money. She was talking directly to me...it was strange, I was like how does she know me? So now I'm all about getting brand new and more diligent with my finances...esp now that I'm about to drop a sizeable chunk on a new run flat tire.

I'm going to grow out my eyebrows for a new shape.

I want new makeup. (but I can't/won't. See: Suze Orman)

I am addicted to new or previously undiscovered musical gems...the kid Blu of Blu & Exile Below the Heavens was a wonderful find. I found another album today that Blu did with another producer. This mixtape of Andre 3000's greatest verses. If got-dang Lil Wayne wouldn't put out something every 13th minute there wouldn't be so many mixtapes available. Really all these mixtapes are a bit much-there are just so many, and always with someone yelling over someone else. I just DL'd my first DJ Drama tape we'll see how much or how little he screams.

I want to learn Salsa dancing really well-that should be a goal of mine-Get good at salsa in the 08. Being good at it will be new to me.

Anything brand new with you?

While my dog sleeps on my lap...

2008-02-04T22:47:00.000-08:00

So I'm kinda hateful. Like I am a super nice person...ppl generally like me, I'm kind, generous, relatively forgiving, I try to look over ppls faults like I hope that they will overlook mine. But when I feel crossed, slighted, intentionally hurt...yeah its a wrap, I have very little ability to forgive. So this chick that I haven't spoken to in over three years who caused me some of the greatest pain in my young life while I was in law school...has kind of reappeared in my life. She has always been just on the cusp of my social circle many of my law school friends including one of my closest friends still speak and socialize with her. And that's fine-initially during my actual hate stage it was problematic but I realized that she hadn't betrayed them...only me. So recently due to some geographic proximity and some friend overlap she ended up hanging out with my cousin. They had a good time, my cousin felt guilty about it afterward-I told her she need not. I'm over the hate. I haven't forgiven her, but I do understand why/how my cousin could have a good time with her-she's a fun girl. But I talked to my law school buddy today who is still close with her and she mentioned that the girl has been desiring to contact me...she has felt a need to reach out to me, but she wants to pray about it before she decides. This news made me think about her today, and made me think about how I feel about her and how I feel about forgiveness. The conclusion I came to was I need to pray too, I might even need to pray double. I haven't thought about her in quite some time and I can't really think of anything that I want/need to say to her. I think that in situations like this ppl reach out b/c they want to make themselves feel better-its the guilt. As it stands I don't know what I will do or say. I'm too old not to be civil and I think I’m too removed from the situation to be emotionally raw...I think. And really the Lord might enlighten her that this isn't the time, or may move me to skip or miss the call-because clearly she is too evil to be heard by God...hehehehehe.

I've been saying out loud that I think that I want a new job. I don't know why but I've always felt that words spoken out loud have more weight then those spoken only in the heart/mind. So I've been thinking about a new line of work for a little while but I wasn't ready to speak it out loud....I'm now ready. I love what I do, I hate/loathe/would rather cut myself then bill. I am so sick of accounting for every moment of my time. We'll see what happens.

If word hits the street that I got picked up by the fuzz-its illegal downloading. I was burning cds like a fiend today. I love music...and its so available and free and earlier then you can buy it, and best buy is kinda far from me, and I’m really busy, and its the new hotness how can I NOT have it! Sigh.

And finally by way of my general craziness....I think I had a mini stroke yesterday or over the weekend. I was at work today and could not for the life of me remember the names of ppl that I talk to every day. Like the names were gone...clearly evidence of a mini stroke.
And today I read that Pimp C died of complications related to promethizone/codine cough syrup....I was prescribed that kind of cough medicine with this last cold/virus. I took it for like 5 days...Lord I could have died! When I went to the doc for the cold I also asked the urgent care doctor if she could prescribe me some migraine medicine, she looked at me so crazy and was like for what...ummm migraines. And she was like what do you normally take...oh Fiornal...and perhaps it was the ease with which I was able to name all the drugs that I had been taking and/or wanted for this virus...but she definitely looked at me like I was a drug seeker and told me to contact my primary care physician to get that prescription. I thought it was funny...don't get mad at me because I know what works.

Assorted Thoughts...

2008-01-30T23:22:00.000-08:00

Wow its been a while. I hadn't even realized how long. So much going on. Had a wonderful vacation, met some new fantastic people, and rekindled my love and affection for some other good friends. Realized how amazing my growing circle of girlfriends are-to just say all of our titles wowed and amazed white ppl with limited exposure to black ppl. I returned to what I like to call wild jamaican typhoid fever (aka-a bad virus) and a dude who is going through a phase, a phase that involves disinterest in seeing or talking to me. Ok thats fine. One of my favorite ppl on earth passed away. We knew it was coming, it had been for some time, she had prepared us...but there is still something so abrupt about the passing of a loved one. So abrupt about the end of a life. No matter how far along you knew that it was coming. I'm going to miss her. She was one of the most genuine, positive people I have ever known. She was my mother's best friend, they've been friends longer then I have been alive. I always felt like they didn't talk enough, like they had put their friendship on the back burner in light of their families, spouses, other priorities. But when they got together or spoke they fell right back into the groove of their friendship-their particular, specific, personal ebb and flow. I am blessed to have friendships like that, the kinds that require little to no maintenance, they simply exist, because me and that other person have a chemistry or equilibrium that won't change simply because our circumstances change. Those relationships are invaluable and I weep for my mother having lost one of hers. Despite that heaviness, its good to see my parents. I think I missed them. Plus this will be a short and (bitter)sweet visit. I'm realizing i'm stretched really thin. So many obligations and i'm beginning to drop the ball a bit. I hate dropping the ball. I can't join anything else or accept a position doing anything else. At least not until I get all my current obligations into some managable schedule. Despite the tone of all this i'm actually in a good space/place. Yeah I am...promise.

On the train...

2007-12-18T23:01:00.000-08:00

Medicine is a wonderful and scary thing. I have had migraines since I was two so over the years I've tried what seems like every painkiller known to mankind. In more recent years they have developed migraine specific meds and while effective the side effects are a trip. When I took it last night the pain and symptoms went away and I felt much better, happy and alert despite it being after midnight. However the next day side effect is that I will be inexplicably meloncholy-pain free but sad. Its crazy to me that meds can have that kind of effect on mood, state of mind. I recognize that there are many who utilize mood altering drugs to their benefit it just seems like some advanced technology from a Jetsons type world.
To some extent it makes me understand addiction (I saw a stage play based on the life of Ray Charles this wknd, and Mario's new video about his mothers addiction yesterday-so addiction has been on my mind). I can understand the attraction to consistent "happiness", carefree despite whatever the reality of your world is. But I don't think that the feeling lasts-i think the initial "happiness" ppl experience is what they are consistently striving to get back to-maybe its just the ability to enter the altered reality and "get away" for at least a limited time.
I just don't think the gap between perscription dependant individuals and illegal substance abusers is that wide. Both are using a chemical substance to alter what they naturally are-be it bi-polar, depressed, stressed,etc....

I'm returning to this topic on my train ride home, the previous was written on my way to work. I'm listening to Damien Rice's "The Blowers Daughter" and I can't concentrate on the previous topic. This song...I can't even explain what it is about the song that gets me...likely its the connection to the movie "Closer"...but even without that I think this song is so beautiful-although honestly I only know what he's talking about for parts of the song-he can't take his eyes off someone, who it seems like he might be breaking up with, and she may or may not be the blower's daughter. Lol.

My other favorite movie song "You made a fool of me" by Me'shell N'dgeochello from "Love & Basketball". That song gets me, esp when combined with that scene! Sheesh that was deep!

To be honest I just love meloncholy music. I love it when I feel an artist's pain, when I can hear in their voice their passion, angst, anger etc...Music is so powerful.

Alright that's all the nonsense I got for ya'll right now :)

Sam Cooke said...

2007-12-11T11:05:00.000-08:00

Its one of those periods in my life where the familiar and old are having a renaissance. The status quo has changed, and while I'm not mad about it, its just something new to adjust to.

Work is super slow. I hate that, b/c since I have to account for all the time in my day, when I'm at work and not actually billing-I'm irritated that I have to be there-b/c if I'm not billing I could just as easily be shooting the ish at the house!

At a hotel in Oakland I saw Pat Riley and Shaq. Apparently the Heat were staying in my hotel. For like 2 seconds a rush of groupieness came over me..."What do I need to do to get the attention of a basketball player, right now in this hotel restaurant?" Then I remembered that I think professional athletes are whores and petri dishes of undiscovered infections, bacteria and disease. And with that the groupiness subsided. But what is it about a financially secure/rich man that is so attractive? Is it the swagger that money gives them? But all groupie predilection aside I've always had a crush on Mr. Riley (Pat, NOT Teddy), there is something about that white man...

Speaking of white men, each time I have a negative experience with the brothas I threaten to go white, (even though pink meat scares me) so I re-watched "Something New" to take notes on all the tips for being adored by a big backed white boy. Here is another question I have about this movie and others of its ilk, are black women the world over just that similar or is someone eavesdropping on me and my friends and basing characters in major motion pictures on our comments during conversations?? Every time I watch one of these upwardly mobile sistah girlfriends conversations in one of these movies, it sounds exactly like a conversation I've had with my girls at one point or another.
So really who is following me?

I think the reality is that men of all races have problems and the same is true of women...I can only work on/change me.

Speaking of me. I am obsessed with sequins. I guess this is an extension of my love for all things bedazzled. But yeah I tried on two sequined dresses this weekend that I might need a sponsor to obtain, but I must have nonetheless. So fabulous.

There is a party coming up that I am super hype about, then the cruise...lots to look forward to.

And what is it about the chilly weather that makes me feel like I should be tangled up in the sheets getting my back blown out? Oh. Sorry, just me...? I hate winter for that reason. All the other seasons I'm happily solo and content with celibacy (as "content" as I can be that is), winter rolls around and its like I'm back to week one of being off the wagon. On the wagon? I always get that confused. Any AA member wanna put themselves on blast and correct me?

"Don't feel no pity for me
Cause I'm going through a couple things,
Life means change,
That's the way it goes..." Jill Scott "Wanna Be Loved"

...

2007-12-02T23:09:00.001-08:00

So my Ace is moving away, the fabulous JAC. I'm super hype for her and all that this new opportunity means. I still havent really thought much about the fact that she won't be living down the street anymore. In fact this post is the most i've contemplated that future...this post therefore might be short :).

This was the weekend of her party-it was fun. The right mix of ppl were there and hilarity ensued. By far my favorite part was watching the men politic and goof off, there is just something so heartwarming to me about watching these men enjoy black male camaraderie...these successful, ambitious, money having, grown men being, responsibility taking care of, fresh to death dressed, silly men. Wonderful.
I thought the couples were a beautiful thing as well. All that good black love. I aspire to that one day.

What else....a couple situations that I thought might cause me stress that evening didn't materialize in the way I thought they would so I was happy about that. I was irritated from time to time but overall I let the irritants roll off.
I'm dreading going to work tomorrow.

The rest of the week is full of various farewells for JAC. Makes me think of how segmented our lives are...the party ppl over here, the religious ppl over there, work ppl elsewhere...funny. I just hope she doesn't feel spread too thin. Moving is a busy time and while trying to see everyone before leaving is noble and kind (inkeeping with her normal personality) sometimes limits have to be recognized. But if she's in, i'm in.

I'm happy we have the cruise coming up. otherwise this move might be more problematic for me :) I know that I'll be seeing her in about a month so there is no need to think in terms of missing her or, or being sad...i'm going to be seeing/partying/laughing/relaxing/catching up with her in like 5 minutes, what is there to be sad about? Plus the other J will be here in a week or two, so the transition won't be too hard. Awww my girls. My east coast girls.

For JAC I pray that she gets the grasp on her relationship with God that she wants, I pray for her and baby boi-who each time I see them solidifies for me the for-realness of their love-, I pray she won't be too cold, that she'll make good, wholesome new friends, and rekindles old quality friendships (and leaves those nonsense, crazy, dont call that person ever again friendships alone :) lol), that she'll love her new job, that i'll get to somehow benefit from whatever perks she might have :), and that I will be bridesmaid dress ready for when she moves back. Yeah that's assuming a lot, but hey its what I do...

Dealing with emotions....for Dummies

2007-11-08T18:02:00.000-08:00

So i've been having all these discussions lately about how we as black women deal with issues in our lives, the emotional and mental ones. I am of the "Suck it up and make it work" camp. I was raised in that camp, all the women in my family are in that camp, and the men too are strict adherents to the policy of "that which does not kill you only makes you stronger or bitter, as the case may be".

Thus far being in this camp has worked well for me. I consider myself happy and well adjusted here. There is nothing outwardly wrong, I have things that cause me a fair amount of mental/emotional anguish but since I haven't/won't/or are not ready to do what is necessary to fix/alleviate them I don't think about them much. I am a problem solver. If there is an issue, I want to find the solution. If I consider a problem and come to the conclusion that there is no solution or I'm not ready for the solution, i stop thinking about it. My thought is, if there is nothing to do about it why keep torturing myself ruminating over something I can't control or fix.

And that is how I live my life.

A friend told me recently that all of my going out and being stretched periliously thin have to do with me looking for activities so that I don't have to deal with the things that bother me. Her point has merit. If I have a problem with another person I am all about confronting them and getting a resolution, so that I can check that off of my things to do list. But when I am the only actor involved, when its my own thoughts that demand confrontation i ignore them until they are silent, or occupy myself to keep them at bay.

Ok, so: "Self", I say to myself, "No more going out all the time. Relax on the going out and reflect some." So now instead of hitting the town I hang out at home, supposedly to reflect...really I'm just watching tivo, or a movie, or reading my book. No real reflection takes place. Plus, where going out used to "make me feel better" I've replaced it with shopping. Yesterday was a bad day at work, I couldn't focus, i had a lot of other crap on mind (things I can't really do anything about, or am not ready to do anything about) and finally i realized I was wasting time and left. I was supposed to go home, relax, and just get my head together. Instead I went shopping. By the time I was done i was so pleased with my purchases and how well they worked with my new shoes that I no longer needed to reflect, so i watched Tivo.

I realized today, on my drive into the office, that I don't know HOW to reflect or work out my issues. If I can't put my finger on a solution, or am not ready to take the steps necessary for a solution, then what am i doing but putting my mind and emotions through an exercise in futility? I don't know how to self soothe. If I need to feel better I have to DO something: eat, drink (not in the alky kind of way), shop, go out, do my hair and make up, get dressed up etc...I don't know how to sit down think about a quandry, or some left over emotions, or a feeling of "some sorta way" and make myself feel better about it, or deal with it.

So as I was driving I was thinking I am going to do some research on how to deal with my emotions and stop running from them....by the time I got to work, I hit up a friend to have dinner with me tonight, decided to invite some other ppl out tomorrow night, solidified plans for Sat, scheduled a dinner for Sun, and thought of ppl to go to a concert with me on Mon....I'll try again some other time, i have too much to do this weekend.

Searching for my best friend...

2007-10-30T13:29:00.000-07:00

I don't know when it happened but I have become obsessesd with bling. I mean, I all of a sudden NEED diamonds in my life. Of course no average sized diamond will do, so I've been researching how to get the biggest stones for the buck. For the moment obiously fake shiny baubles have made for a suitable stand in, they are shiny and fun.

But how to get the same sizes and same shine without having to save for the rest of my life?

Plus I really don't like the idea of the lives and limbs lost mining the diamonds or Debeers near criminal stranglehold on the industry and artificial "rarity" of diamonds. I am even bothered by the notion that only a diamond can signify love devotion and fidelity-dont get it twisted no man of mine would be fool enough to ask my hand without a ring that had a substantial stone, but does he love me less if that stone is an emerald? Or a pearl? Who said that a diamond specifically had to be used? DeBeers. Even with that reservation I do think that I would prefer that the ring that I wear for the rest of my life to signify that I am hitched in fact be a diamond.

A couple years ago, while in law school and in love and contemplating the very real possibility of marrying someone, I started researching DeBeers alternatives, and discovered the then fledgling industry of man made diamonds. The science had very recently been refined and was just beginning to be used in the creation of jewelry.

Fastforward a few years I'm dolo and the science has been perfected and is being used in a variety of applications not just jewelry. As we all know natural diamonds are made as a result of years of intense pressure and the confluence of the necessary elements, temperature, pressure and time. Like darn near all else, science has figured out a way to replicate all those variables in a lab and create/"grow" diamonds with the same properties as near flawless natural diamonds (same light refraction, can cut glass etc) in a fraction of the time it takes to grow in nature and at a fraction of the cost.

I'm all in.

Diamondnexuslabs.com

Activism

2007-10-21T21:49:00.000-07:00

I have had a lovely weekend. My state of mind feels good.

Friday I had drinks with some lovely ladies in downtown Long Beach. There was no occasion, no reason for our gathering other than to unwind and discuss our strikingly similar current states of being. What is it about someone telling a life story that sounds like yours that is so comforting? If I wasn't watching the words come out of their mouths I would have thought that I was talking. I think there is solace in knowing that smart, beautiful, self confident, God fearing women just like you sometimes fall into the same traps, same situations, and same weaknesses...we're not bad people, not dumb, not terrible miscreants...just women, just trying to find our way.

Saturday I went to the Alumni Board meeting. I felt like such a grown up sitting on a board and all! I was very concerned about how I was supposed to be dressed, whether it was a business casual affair with a bunch of stuffy old ppl or whether it would be in true Pitzer fashion. I should have known it would be Pitzer affair-totally casual. We went around the table to introduce ourselves and discuss what it is we are doing, and what we carried with us most from our experience at Pitzer. I love my job and have always been proud of what I have accomplished in my short life. After about the third person in telling their story and what they were doing with their lives, I felt like I had done nothing. My life was a waste, and I didn't deserve to sit with these people who had made it their lifes mission to sacrifice themselves on behalf of others and actually lived what they believed. Then there I realized the president of the board is a partner at a firm with over 3500 attorneys and I realized that on the scale of good and evil he was WAY closer to complete and utter evil then I am. :) But it was just like my days at Pitzer. Everyone was hugging trees, protesting, locking themselves in buildings etc, and while I supported the causes I wasn't interested in taking the president's office hostage, I had things to do, classes to attend, lunches to have with professors etc. But I cannot say that I have or will be as socially conscious as I was at Pitzer. There was not a topic I didn't have an opinion on, not a day that I didn't nearly shed a tear over Africa, the poor, the environment, animals, and/or a myriad of other topics. It was indeed tiring keeping up with all the conspiracies in the world. But I was educated about the world, I knew what was going on. I miss that to an extent. It was woeful and overwhelming at times but I felt informed, and with that information I could at least THINK about doing something.

Anyhow being back on campus and with other alum reminded me of all the reasons I loved Pitzer, and brought back lots of memories. I am so glad that I chose there to attend. The school has been in the news lately for a class that is being taught on and about YouTube. I love the freedom that Pitzer allows its faculty and students to pursue topics and courses of study that are outside the mainstream.

Sunday was pretty chill, I discovered a new wine bar in Long Beach where hopefully my book club and I will be able to have our next meeting. And I didn't shop which was a feat in of itself cause lord knows I wanted to. This girl right here might have an addiction problem! :)

Lovely San Francisco

2007-10-19T18:37:00.000-07:00

Once again I had to travel to SF for a court appearance. The weather was surprisingly warm and wonderful.
Something about being in San Francisco makes me need to buy something. I need to eat at delicious resturants and I need to buy things. I think its the fog, or maybe the fresh air coming off the water that whispers "Go to Union Square...buy something cute..."

So as soon as court was over (nevermind the fact that it was the most useless court appearance I have ever been too, it lasted all of 20 minutes, though I could have left about 2 minutes in after they passed out what was essentially the Judges rulings) I ran out and caught a cab to Union Square. I had intended to try some local restuarant, but it was 2:30 and I hadn't eaten all day and couldn't be bothered to try to discover a tasty place to eat, so I went to my old favorite Cheese Cake Factory and had a delicious lunch. There were two men sitting near me and one was a bit effeminate and so I mentally declared them to be gay and on a date. As I overheard their convo (yes I was eavesdropping, I was eating alone, what else was I supposed to be doing?) turns out one of them was recently married and they were collegues, or old classmates or perhaps even relatives. The point was they weren't gay, or at least one of them wasn't, and I thought about how sad it is that I see two men eating together and I automatically peg them as homosexuals. Granted its SF so I guess I would always lead toward that supposition, but still its sad.

After lunch I hit up nearly all 8 floors of the Macy's Woman's Store...some lipstick and boots later, I headed over to H&M. All in all I didn't do too much damage. But it was a lovely day. And this time I made friends with some lovely ladies while I was boot shopping, Yvette and her friend.

My friend S left work early to grab a drink with me. She is always a highlight of my trips north. She is actually dating someone that she calls her "boyfriend" they have moved in together. He has a kid that he keeps every other weekend or some such, they have just turned into a regular little family. Which is nuts to me. S is NOT the "boyfriend" kind, definitely not a live in boyfriend type, and most assuredly not a stepmom...she redeemed herself as the S I know and love when she said that she told the BF that his daughter couldn't come over until she was over head lice. Head lice??!!?? There is no cure or vaccine for that yet? I didn't know ppl still got that, is she going to come up with Rubella and Whopping Cough next? She said its all good with this new life, but the kid does complicate things, and although shes nice to her, S is not interested in being mommy #2. Another friend of mine is dating a guy with kids. I guess we're at that age where the men in our lives are more prone to come complete with kids. I have always been against the "just add Jennifer ready made family". But it is a reality of our age I guess.

So i'm headed out to grab a drink with a friend. Tomorrow I am attending my first meeting with my undergrad as a member of the board of alumni, and movie night with J. Should be a good weekend. Take it easy folks.

Good

2007-10-16T10:12:00.000-07:00

I had a good night last night. Heroes was good, even Chuck was entertaining. I went grocery shopping. I've spent the past week or so cursing myself for being unable to satisfy my hunger or thirst in my own house. The thirst I thought was especially bad...I would get home and be like dang there is nothing in this house to drink!! And threaten to go to 7-11 but never make it and the next day replay the same scene. So I went to the grocery store last night and may have over done it on the drink front...But I was very hype about my savings with my Ralph's card! I now have food and PLENTY of beverages.

I also got to turn my brain off last night...I didn't think about anything, not work, none of my stressors, it was a free night. I also decided that I was deserving of an exhorbenantly expensive trip to the spa at the W. That body scrub makes life worth living, and if its wrong I have no interest in being right. Sadly I just don't have the time block right now to do it. For that much money I plan to use their facilities ALL day.

I'm really excited to be going to SF tomorrow, my friend S is available for dinner, I'll have some time to wander around the city...yippee.

I feel good today. I think its cause I got some things off my chest. Not enough with one and perhaps a little too much with another.

Some new favorite things of mine:
Air Force Ones-darn near obsessed.

A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini...wonderful, wonderful book. Its by the same author as The Kite Runner, a book I went to lend the other day and realized I didn't have it any longer....wonder why...

dangerousnegro.com-I like the message, i like what they are about. I want to buy some of thier stuff.

Blackberry Curve for TMobile-This device has singlehandedly changed my life. I am a better, wiser, more understanding person all thanks to this phone...ok not really, but its an excellent phone.

MAC lip conditioner-when my purse got stolen it was this that I missed most. It is hands down the best chapstick I have ever used, and I am obsessed with moist lips. (ok I just wrote that and know that it has no other connatation, but still I feel a little dirty for writing it. lol. its something about the word moist...someone I know hates that word...)

Cover Girl Multiplying Waterproof Mascara-I can't remember my eyelashes ever looking so long! ppl keep asking me what i'm using, I finally looked at the packaging the other day, I don't even remember buying it as it is not my usual brand. But it is working for me!

The new Little Brother album "Get Back"-its super fantastic. Pick it up 10/23...

And I think that is it...

Hellllooooo....

2007-10-15T23:22:00.001-07:00

So i've been away for a while. Busy with work, busy in my own head and not much interested in writing or computers, or words, or punctuation after long days of law and motion.

I got drafted to participate in planning the dinner dance of the young lawyers division of the ABA, they have 50k to spend on this party. 50k that is nuts. We're thinking oscar/golden globe theme, red carpet, papparazzi, at either the beverly hilton or at one of the studios, sony, warner brothers etc...it should be a fun event, hopefully it will be nice. Its exciting to plan something with such a big budget at all these LA fab places.

Ok, TI...seriously...you thought this entire situation was a good idea huh...and BET...among the myriad of your sins...the Jena 6 boys as celebrity presenters....really...yeah thats what they need.

I had one of my first ethical decisions to make at work today. Whether to sign, with his permission, the name of an attorney to a sworn document. The signature attests to the specific attorney swearing under oath and threat of perjury that what is written is true. While he gave me his permission to sign his name...it didn't feel right, I wasn't quite comfortable doing it. In the end I filed the document with the court unsigned and he said that it is always my option whether to sign or not. I think its better this way...he won't expect me to do it in the future and I won't lose my license to practice...i need that license, I got bills yo.

I'm headed to SF on Wed gotta hit up my SF friend since he is the only person I know up there that doesn't have a job and can meet me at a moments notice. Maybe I'll shop while i'm up there....hmmmmm....

The Ghost would like to come up here to take me to dinner this week, he is on vacation.

Speaking of pressed this other dude is doing the most. "when can i see you" "call me sometime" "when you get a minute..." so irritating. If I don't call its for a reason, i'm busy or I just don't want to talk to you...leave me be!

I went out the other night for the first time in a really long time. I danced hard, drank, and generally had a good time. It was nice to be out surrounded by music around other people dancing and having a good time.

Tonight is the first night in a couple weeks that I didn't have to come home and work. I've watched Tivo, and had a delicious jack daniels and cran...its time for me to take it down for the night....

Catch 22

2007-09-18T10:12:00.001-07:00

In an effort to feel better...

I told the ghost that he was complicating my life and I couldn't take it. He's backed off. Which is much better.

I told Mr. Be Patient that I needed to not talk to him for a while. I know its whats best for my mental health, for my state of mind, its the only way to finally fully heal, and to be honest it feels like he is driving me literally crazy and I can't have that. But i don't feel better...no weight has been lifted...it just feels idiotic to cut out someone who makes me very happy about 30% of the time...but that 70% really sucks, and I deserve better. So i'll just wait till it feels better, till i don't think about him, till this blows over.

in the meantime i think my stolen phone may be a bit of blessing...I now have a valid reason to get the new hotness that i've been wanting, and i get a break from the phone for a week or so. while i do feel like i'm missing something, and i do kinda worry that I will blow a tire and be a mile from the nearest call box, but its nice to go home in the evenings and not have to worry about talking to and catching up with "everyone". plus i can't call or text him...

"How many times does it take to learn just one thing,
'cause I keep ending up here
And I'm not a scientist so I just keep on praying that I won't
Keep getting the same results each day
I said that I can't be with you
But when you turn away I pull back your hands to stay" Goaple "Catch 22"

I've always loved that song. I also discovered Raul Midon this morning. I was familiar with a few of his songs, but now I know his name...he's great. Eric Roberson is back in town this Sunday even though I just saw him, and I was just saying that I was going to sit down this weekend and chill...I can't bring myself to miss him. He moves me, consoles me, speaks to and about me...I can't miss that...I need that.

So yeah no phone, the new phone I want comes out on Monday, it will take a couple days to get to me...I can wait...somehow I managed to live and not get stranded on a regular basis before I had a cell phone. I'm sure I can manage for another 7 days...

The state of my discontent...

2007-09-17T21:52:00.000-07:00

malaise.

i think that about sums it up.

The latest...

2007-09-06T14:02:00.000-07:00

...I love the song "Make you feel beautiful" by Ruben Studdard. Definitely the best song he ever did. I love it when people give me genuine compliments. Not some half drunk dude telling me I'm sexy or some big burly dude telling me to "come here, you pretty" at wal-mart. One of the best compliments I ever got was from this guy I sat down next to at a TYP event who when I sat down said "You know why all these men are staring at you right? I mean yes you are beautiful, but look at your face-who wouldn't want their children to have that face. Your genes would make beautiful kids." That made me feel beautiful.

...Lawyers are a bunch of children. They are fussy, can't sit still, always complaining, always bickering, always trying to out do someone else. I'm at a deposition in a hotel conference room with over 25 attorneys. Most of these ppl practice this particular law for their firms and so they regularly see each other at these depositions. These sort of depositions last for what feels like an eternity (I too am a lawyer and therefore a complaining whiny child about having to sit in an air conditioned room all day cruising the internet and taking notes on occassion) we've been at it for a total of three days and someone estimated it could go as long as three weeks....THREE WEEKS hearing this man explain in excruciating detail every single pipe, copper, lead, iron or otherwise, that he ever laid in CA or Ohio over his nearly 50 year working career....the upside and the reason that really none of us should be complaining is that we are for the most part paid well, and really we are not working that hard, if at all, while we are here, plus the billing is awesome...but its boring, and since we are all a bunch of impatient lawyers regardless of the positives all we talk about are the negatives, and show up each day hoping the plaintiff doesn't feel that good today so we can get out of here early.

...That's the other thing. This job makes me insensitive. I should say-more insensitive. Here I am at this deposition because this gentleman is asserting that one or all of our companies products exposed him to enough asbestos so as to give him lung disease. Lung disease is bad and I know that. But prior to meeting the man he was just a case, a stack of papers on my desk, exaggerations by his attorneys, court hearings, and a discussion of strategy about how to get out of this. when asked if i could attend this deposition I told my paralegal-only if he's dying, if he isn't dying I don't want to go, b/c the un-sick ones talk too much and too long. But sitting here that first day, meeting him, hearing him talk about how miserable his life has been since his diagnosis i couldn't help but feel bad. His life is in its final months/years, and all I can think about is how I hope he gets worn out sooner rather then later so I can get out of here. I understand why ppl think lawyers have no souls, we deal with death and injury in the abstract-not as a plight of the human condition but instead as lies and exaggerations to weasel monies out of our clients. It gets hard to feel bad for ppl who slip and fall end up with a bruise and torn pants and then seek a million dollars. And to think I used to be known as a "bleeding-heart liberal"...

...The Beyonce Experience was an experience, to say the least. She was surreal. Tonight I'm seeing Eric Roberson...this is a great week for music.

...I'm not a patient person. The entire time my parents were here, my dad kept saying "you need to learn to wait, everything is not right now, practice patience". I'm impatient. But I've been asked to wait. And while it is for something that I want, waiting just doesn't seem fair...why should I have to wait, I would never ask that of someone...and how do I know that the payoff really exists, or that it will be what I want/need...that requires faith...so now you're asking for patience and faith, belief in the assured expectation of things hoped for though not beheld. Have I really been assured? Do I really believe? Who knows...

...My firm retreat is this weekend. I am hype. Resort hotel, open bars, the beach, just the type of solo retreat that I need. My work friends might have some hurt feelings when I opt to hole up dolo in my hotel room...I love nice hotels...so relaxing. So yeah i'm hype.

"All By Myself"

2007-09-01T11:46:00.000-07:00

I'm a girl, and like all girls I go out in groups, or at the very least with one other girl. I need someone to validate my outfit, someone to whisper to when ppl are staring at us, someone to laugh when I point out laughable outfits, hairstyles/cuts, gold fronts etc...Someone to talk to in between conversations with strangers, someone to save me from conversations with strangers...its what girls do when we go out.

Last night I became a woman.

This chick that I was supposed to go out with came down with a headache just moments before we were supposed to go out. I was all dressed and ready to go when she told me that she wasn't going and I had already told some people that I would be up there. So I had to make some decisions, the two ppl that I thought might come out hadn't exactly vowed to meet me, and I knew one of them to be notoriously late, so I could either go and wait and see if R would meet me, or call him and try to coordinate our arrival times.

I opted to just go and let be whatever was going to be. I got there just before 11, grabbed a drink, did my standard walk around the venue to see who or what I could see, found a spot to settle, in my usual circle lounge (this was the 3J spot, the venue and the circle lounge itself, many a laugh was had here), where I could hear the music and chilled. I drank, I danced, joked with a chick that was sitting near me, and all around had a good time all by dang self! R showed up a little over an hour later we relocated to the patio, chatted and ppl watched outside.

I left him briefly to go inside and all of a sudden couldn't get three feet without being stopped by someone. I told R how strange it was since, I had been there for an hour all by my lonesome-no one talked to me, some looks, but no one actually approached me, now all of a sudden everyone has something to say. He explained that since I had now been spotted with a man I was now a commodity. Hmmm. Interesting.

It was a fun evening. I was very proud of myself for going out dolo, and having a good time by myself. I told R that with 1J already gone and another on the way out of CA, I need to prepare myself to get used to going out alone.

I'm a woman, I can take it.

Consortium

2007-08-29T10:47:00.001-07:00

In unusual fashion here is a quickie....

I was doing some research about a legal issue today (aka-working) and came across a case where the plaintiff was injured resulting in about 2 years worth of sexual dysfunction, I think he broke his pelvis or some such and was unable to have sex for a year before the trial and likely for another year afterwards. Obviously he wanted compensation for all his injuries. However the law also allows for a spouse to seek money for what is called "loss of consortium", which basically entails all that people in marriages benefit from...sex, companionship, etc. Typically this loss is compensated heavily when a spouse is killed. However in this particular case the wife was awarded $40,000 for the lack of her husbands sexual services for 2 years and some change.

Which lead me to wonder how much is two years worth of sex with my husband worth? I mean he cannot perform at all...his pelvis is broken, and should it not heal properly he may be "handicapped" forever.

While I know this sort of loss cannot ever truly be quantified...Is it just me that thinks 40k is not NEARLY adequate?
I guess the argument could be made that the amount that he is awarded in damages is partly hers as well so in essence she is getting more then 40k...but I think I would want the record to reflect that sex with my husband is worth more then 20k per year!

The Weekend Recap

2007-08-27T09:24:00.000-07:00

Last week was so busy! So I was very much looking forward to this weekend and the option of doing absolutely nothing. J went out of town, my sister went out of town so I was going to have a lot of me time, which I was sorta looking forward to.

Fri: Anytime I leave the office at 6:30 on a Friday...it has clearly been a long week. So I decided that after I submitted all that I had due I would take myself on a date to the movies. I saw Superbad. There were parts of that movie where I thought I might get thrown out for laughing too loud, or too long. Now granted, one of the kids in the movie, Michael Cera, was in my all time favorite tv comedy "Arrested Development" and really just looking at him makes me laugh. But I think that if you are into comedy, and aren't easily offended you too will find this movie hilarious. It is a smart, witty, sometimes raunchy comedy but I absolutely loved it.

Sat: I spent the day chillin in my bed, which was wonderful. I had a movie channel preview weekend, so I watched some movies I hadn't seen, and re-watched some that I loved. That evening I got together with some of my girls for a dinner at a fabulous restaurant in downtown Culver City. I met up with one of them for some pre-dinner wine at a lovely wine bar where our beautiful French waiter kept touching me...he could have been my "something new" but i'm pretty certain that he was gay, and if its even a question...i'll pass. Then we got up with the rest of the girls and had the most "Black Sex and the City" dinner conversation. It was great! One of them just got back from Egypt, and despite having 10+ degrees between us the questions were along the lines of: Did you see any mummys? Did you see any hieroglyphics? Did people walk around like the Bangels "walk like an egyptian" video? Did they play that song at the club? After attempting to reduce Egypt to every disney movie stereotype we knew, we covered the usual topics, sex, relationships, shopping, hair, work, and who invited which lames to the book club. Gotta love those girls.

Sun: I went to the meeting in the afternoon, despite having a massive caffeine withdrawl headache, attempted to work, but took a nap instead, and then went to the Teedra Moses concert with my friend D. I love D, known him since highschool, he is one of my most honest and non judgmental friends, we always have a great time when we get together, we have tons in common including a similar taste in men. Last night he provided me with the very useful service of advising me of who is on the downlow, I was saddened by some of his picks, but the reality was they were looking at him hard. He also introduced me to who may be the newest love of my life-his old college roommate, S. S is also fabulous, but he is one of those who I think could fool you re: his sexuality. He reminds me of so many men in LA, and had I not met him with D I might have just thought that he was your typical metro LA man. The three of us fell into banter like we'd known each other all our lives. Great times.
As for the concert...some rap group, El Prez, opened. And they embodied all that I hate about rap concerts-rapping over your own vocals, too many unnecessary people on stage, inarticulate rapping (i can always understand what common, black thought, mos def etc are saying live, why are all your words running together?) and all the irritating instructions (hands in air, call and response..I'm sorry am I performing or you?). Then this dude named Patrick Fennison...ehhhh. Then Mullatto....if you ever get word that they are playing in your town, go see them. They put on an amazing show if nothing else. Its a multi-ethnic full band, the white boy plays keys, tambourine, trumpet, and Lord knows what else...we deemed him the hardest working man of the night. They finally have a CD for sale, and even though its only 5 songs, i've been playing it over and over since last night. I am so hype for their rise to fame.
Then Teedra...I love her shows! She always sounds and looks amazing. She had on this dress last night! H-O-T...I want that dress for my cruise! S said about her, "Keysha Cole has her [Teedra's] career." I think that's true, she really should be what/where K. Cole is.

All in all it was a great weekend.

As a sort of random aside, there was a lot of talk this weekend about wearing white this wknd and next since its labor day and therefore the last opportunity to wear it. I don't own many all white things, that's not really my look. But I wonder how many people subscribe to this notion, still? I know 2 of my 4 readers (lol) are east coast people and that these sorts of fashion rules are written in stone out there, but do west coast ppl care and or abide by this "rule"? Besides what are the consequences if I choose to wear white the weekend of September 15? Will I be issued a citation? Will people point and stare? Will I be tarred and feathered? Just curious.

Abusive Relationships

2007-08-10T11:10:00.001-07:00

I am in an abusive relationship.
I realize that now.
After years of trying to overcome and overlook the abuse with love and understanding and just plain indifference, I realize now the abuse will not stop and the cycle will continue.

I like Rap. No I'm lying, I love rap. I love the clever wit, the beats, the hooks, the voices of the rappers-I love it all. I love it when its unintentionally funny, chock full of swagger, grimy, gritty, revolutionary, instructional, and even when its perverse (who doesn't like "put it in yo mouth" or "It ain't no fun"?).

But this morning as I drove up the 405 having my first listen to UGK's album, I realized that rap music doesn't really love me. My love, respect and admiration for it is unrequited. Dag.

You can't describe the various sexual acts you will perform and then have the hook "Bit*h you know you like that/Bit*h you know I like that" and then a few songs later put Talib on a track and have Raheem DeVaughn sweetly remind me of the ways in which you respect and love real women. That one song doesn't redeem the way you have spoken to and about me on the rest of the album. Regardless of whether or not I may or may not like "that" of which you speak, something is definitely taken away when you start the sentence with bit*h! And Yes Pimp C, I heard you say that B is a pet name and that I shouldn't get upset...but come on now, how does your mother, sister, daughter (cause i know you got some kids) feel about this so-called pet name?

I know, I know...no one is forcing me to come back to Rap. I could stay over there with that fake fairytale love of R&B, where days are spent romancing, sexing, breaking up, getting back together, partying, cheating, and reminiscing. But that life gets old. Sometimes I just want something with a little edge to it, ya know, is that so wrong? And that's when I'm attracted to rap again. You make me think you've changed, you put out artists like Common and Talib to lure me back in. Once I'm hooked on the beats, and the knocking of my speakers, there you go again starting back in with that bullish, calling me out my name, threatening me with physical injury, disrespecting me and carrying-on.

One day...one day...you are gonna go to far, call me out my name one to many times, or catch me on one of my more feminist revolutionary days, and that is going to be it. I am going to leave you for good. And then what are you gonna do?

Just some stuff....

2007-08-06T13:37:00.001-07:00

...My parents left. Praise him, I made it through. There were times that it looked bad. Where it looked like I wasn't going to be able to survive, and that's when I had to turn to the bible and say David's prayer..."Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for you are with me..." and thats what got me through. I'm exaggerating slightly, but the reality is it was tough. I love them, sometimes we can have fun, but for the most part they drive me really crazy. I wholeheartedly believe that part of the problem is that we only see each other twice a year, which to them means, they only have those two opportunities to "straighten us out" (a phrase I heard repeatedly during their three week odyssey). When they lived in Rancho (about 50 miles from where I live), my sis and i would go visit on a sat or sun afternoon, hang out, have dinner, help my step dad with the latest electronic device that he had purchased despite being unable to operate, let my mom describe in painstaking detail her latest home decoration project, dish about our respective congregations, talk about work, extended family drama and the like. It was pleasant, b/c they knew and we knew that we would see them again in a couple weeks. There was no need to hash out in detail every single complaint we have about each other, b/c neither of us were going anywhere and really it wasn't anything significant enough to ruin a perfectly good afternoon. Now however...it will be months before they see us again, which means it is imperative to nit pick and discuss to death each and every foible, flaw, or potential issue they (by "they" I mean my mother) may have with us. Which then in turn puts us on the defensive, and just generally makes for a very tense "vacation". By the end of it my mother knew that she had in fact gotten on our last nerves and stated this to me...when she asked if i was sick of her I told her, out loud, that it was time for her to go home. I said out loud to my mother that she needed to go home. I felt more then a tinge of regret about saying this, and other things, later-somethings don't need to be said out loud...i'll call and apologize. I was in such a fowl mood on the day that they were leaving that a conversation that I needed to have with them, I couldn't have because my sour mood had me in the totally wrong frame of mind...you should not derive any pleasure in having your parents be disappointed in you...i'm not 12, so i'll talk to them some other time.

...Its funny how a non-response can speak volumes. All my questions have been answered. I'm grateful, he likely doesn't know how much he's helped me.

...my little brother and I are finally developing a relationship. He has turned into a real person, and not just a machine full of silly, immature comebacks and juvenile banter...i mean don't get it twisted he is still terribly immature but he's a boy so he's probably right on track...he has a really sweet girlfriend, who if she were my sister or friend I would tell her to break up with him because he is a jerk. Thus far i've asked her why she likes him, and when she figures that out to call me, and i've told her to run. I can't determine what the appropriate course of action here is though-talk to my brother about why he is a jerk and a terrible boyfriend-knowing he won't listen or care about what I have to say, or talk to her about why she is worth more then the way that he treats her-and risk my brother and I's newfound relationship? Hmmm. I love my brother, but I have a difficult time standing idly by while any woman is being demeaned by her significant other.

..."Let it Go" by K. Cole is the new anthem! (as an aside I miss my girls, one is already gone, the other is on the way...Thank the Lord for all the photographs and memories...)

...With all the other drama in my life i have been thankfully distracted from the moving of my buddies...nor have i addressed how when one of them says that she feels that she has no family here, it stings everytime...i know she means no harm by it, but it still stings...whether she considers me family or not I do consider her close as kin...but maybe thats because i like her more then i like most ppl I am blood related to, and she actually likes her family...hmmm, :)

...I billed 181 hours last month. I am so proud of myself. to put that in context, I cannot bill for every moment that I am here, I try to though, so if i'm here 10 hours I probably bill 8-8.5 hours. Which means that last month, namely that first and third week, I was working like crazy. I take pleasure in that...what kind of sickness is that?

...J and I met some of the LAMEST men of all time at the beach party on Sat. like lame, lame. I'm not sure if it was a function of our general standoffishness and obvious desire not to be bothered that only those with the most severe cases of delusions of grandeur dared to approach. Or, if there were several dares taking place among the socially rejected sending them our way. In any case, if we were on the hunt, that day would have been sadly disappointing, unless we opted to pursue gentleman. We couldn't even get more then two ppl a piece into our top 5 category. How sad is that?? One of the ones I picked for my top 5, slid his business card to this other chick I know and he is the mailroom asst. I am not knocking his job, I think its great that he is gainfully employed...but why does he need a business card? Are there networking opportunites for mailroom positions? Is it often that he gets to talk up the interworkings of the mailroom in which he assists to clients, and potential clients? I mean I don't know i'm just curious.

...I'm beginning to believe, again, that this one chick I know has an odd connection to me. I feel like she is not this clingy with others as she is with me. Its strange! She met J and I the same night, hung with us both the same amount of time, and yet I get all the texts, calls, emails, requests to grab dinner/movie/happy hour etc... or the "it was great seeing you at the beach party yesterday!" Was it? Why? It wasn't that great for me to see you...I mean that's strange right?

...Ok like forreal, forreal...i'm going on a cruise in Jan. To a place where my big thighs and love handles (i am being so kind to myself right now) are the preference of the locals, which means I will be in a bathing suit, which means I gotta learn how to exercise again...and soon...T.F., V.W. I gotta get on ya'lls work out grind....

Dag-blasted Tag...

2007-07-27T11:10:00.000-07:00

So I've been "tagged" by the one and only J.A.C. So here we go:

The Rules:
1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

1. I have an extremely vivid imagination. I can see a person on the street, train, bus, in the car next to me, wherever and create and entire life for them, why they are in that space and time, what they are thinking, what their home life is like etc...which leads me too...

2. I am an obsessive people watcher/voyeur. I can sit in a location and watch people all day, they don't have to be doing anything in particular, just walking, talking...my favorite is to see ppl arguing or in some sort of conflict, especially when I am somewhere that they aren't privy to my gaze...which leads me too...

3. I like to argue. Ppl always think its a result of my line of work, but not really, I just like to try to prove things, or hear ppl try to prove them to me, I always come from the position "explain to me why I'm wrong" or "make me understand why what you did was acceptable" which I guess is a set up, b/c I already know you were wrong, i just want to hear what possible illogical thoughts you used to rationalize the behavior...which leads me too...

4. I am fascinated and petrified of drug use. I want to watch shows like "Intervention", movies like "Lady sings the blues" but I can't. I am so interested in why ppl use drugs, how they got started, what their drugs of choice are and why, how they pay for their habit, if they were ever able to function as a normal person in society while on drugs and if so how...all of it is so interesting to me. But I cannot watch anything that features heroin use. I discovered this when as I kid I tried to watch "Lady sings the blues" and was so disturbed by her drug use that I stopped watching mid-way through (I NEVER get midway into a movie and stop watching, if I've watched to midway I have to finish, no matter how bad it is!) and had nightmares about it...I still remember vividly the scene that I had to walk out on, and I saw it like 10 years ago. I can watch a movie about heroin use I just can't watch the actual shooting up, I watched "Ray" with my hands over my eyes for all the actual drug use scenes. One would think that its the needles, but its not, I've seen shows where ppl shoot up meth, and I'm totally ok, chris and the crack rock in New Jack City, also totally ok, surgery on the learning channel, one of my favorite things to watch...but if a movie features someone shooting up and they say that the substance is heroin, i can't watch....when i was in junior high I heard on some talk show about a girl who was kidnapped from a her nice middle class life, held captive in some drug house, tied to a bed, and given regular hits of heroin...after a while she was released from the bed and made to work as a prostitute in order to get her heroin fix...I think she was missing for years, and says she stayed b/c she was so addicted she couldn't leave....I was CONVINCED that I was going to get picked up and strung out at anytime (active imagination, remember)...which leads me to...

5. I am a hypochondriac. I always think that any minor pain or injury will result in my sudden and untimely death. I am constantly self diagnosing myself (or even worse using webMD). For instance:
random pain in head=aneurysm, or stroke
sprained foot=all the bones in my foot are broken, I may never walk again
pain in chest=pulmonary embolism
clumsiness (I take a random tumble, or I trip without cause)=Vertigo
common cold with significant cough=the consumption (aka tuberculosis)
flu=ebola, malaria, or west nile
Basically if i now the symptoms of an illness and I have even one, then clearly I've got the disease, and obviously I prefer the more rare/obscure illnesses, or at least ones with fun names, "the consumption" that is awesome...which leads me to....

6. I love random and obscure knowledge/facts/dates/words etc...my favorite word is onomatopoeia...I love the meaning, i love to say it, i love that in a group of 4 other ppl, its likely that only one other person will know what it means...which leads me to...

7. I sometimes have tendency to lord my intelligence over ppl. Its a bad habit and a terrible quality of mine. I have to make a conscious effort not to assume that I am smarter (and somehow better, perhaps?) then ppl I meet who don't immediately strike me as the most intellectually savvy...which leads me too...

8. Even though I think its silly, I do like the automatic assumption that I am a bright girl when I tell ppl my occupation...again not a great characteristic, but its true...however it does make me wonder what ppl would think if I stopped being a lawyer...I wonder if my title were not attorney, whether ppl would still get that impressed/surprised look in their eyes....

So all my blog friends have already been tagged...except for:

DIMPLEZNMORE

So get to it lady!

Humble-Bumble

2007-07-25T09:50:00.001-07:00

So i'm sure that by now all of you (my two, maybe three readers) have heard about the sniper that was downtown today, right. Protesting Lindsay or Paris, or whomever, being just generally cra-cra and shooting all willy nilly. Well your girl was down by the courthouse when it all went down...and I heard that first shot and hit the deck, nevermind that I lost my shoe in the process, nearly skinned my knee, i knew that if I was going to save my life and the life of the 96 year old widow whose life I also spared on my way down in a very Jack Bauer fashion, I had to sacrifice my limbs for the greater good....what...huh....whats that now, you didn't hear anything about a sniper downtown...nothing huh...and whatcha say now, you think that I was walking to fast b/c i was running late to court somehow forgot how to walk and/or wear shoes for a second, walked out of said shoe and barely managed to keep my noggin from hitting the pavement in a spectacle of Beyonce proportions on a major downtown street, not far from the cross walk where all the other attorneys were crossing the street to also get to court...Oh. Well I guess that could have been the case as well.

The funny part is I can totally imagine how it looked, i was walking past some parked cars, so you know how ppl pretend to walk down imaginary stairs, they just crouch down "step" by imaginary "step" behind an object. That's what it had to look like, because after walking out of my shoe my next step was a crouching/not trying to touch the dirty ground with my foot move, just before i was completely spralled out on the pavement, bag also on ground, somehow next to me and no longer on my shoulder, stuff falling out, mascara rolling away...then a very kindly man who literally said to me "Ay Dios Mio are you OK?", first told me to stay down, like I was 86 and may have broken my hip or neck, (he even looked around like he was going to need some assistance getting me to the emergency room or something) and then helped me up when it was clear to him that I wanted to be off the ground. He picked up my sad rolling away mascara and other belongings, handed me my bag and blessed me with the blood of the Christ...Aside from a scratched leg, some sort of injury to my foot, and sore pride i'm fine. But man I bet that was funny!

I want you...

2007-07-24T09:02:00.000-07:00

**Update: Please see the comments section for a more accurate rendition of the lyrics to "I Want You".

I I I I I I I
WANT YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU
AND I
I I I I I I
WANT YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU
so what we gone do
i want you
gone do
what we gonna do

2nd part
when words got a way way way way way way way
i want you (baby)
so what we gonna do (baby)
i want you (baby)

chorus
love is on the way all I got to say is It wont let go
we can pray to early May
fast for 30 days
still It wont let go
got a good book and got all in it
tried a little yoga for a minute
but it wont let go (oooh)
tried to turn the sauna up hotter
drank a whole jar of holy water
but it wont let go

begining

and the words got a way way way way way way way i want you
so what we gonna do
i want you

Chorus
and I
I baby I want you
you baby
so what we gonna do

begining
and your words got a way
so what we gonna do
i know you're a little nervous
so what we gonna do
i know you really want this
so what we gonna do
i cant really explain it
so what we gonna do
i feel your love

Bridge:repeat 2x's

i dont want no trouble
i just wanna love ya (yeah)
i dont want your money yeah
i just want to love ya (yeah)
i wanna get to know ya
and i
i want you
and i
i want you
and i
i want you....
Begining (1st part again)

See also: Sade "Love is Stronger then Pride", "Is it a Crime" and D'angleo's cover of the George Clinton "I'll Stay".

trains of thought

2007-07-14T22:06:00.001-07:00

...someone paid me a great compliment the other day, she said that I was the only person she knows who can go from bourgeois to ghetto in the blink of an eye. she said that lots of ppl that she knows are able to switch it up but not as quickly or effortlessly as I do. I love that about me! is that vain to say? its one of my favorite qualites about myself, versatility. I love that i can go to a meeting of professional collegues and contribute intelligently to the discussion, and leave there and head to a venue where they play Pharcyde's "Passin me by" or Tupac's "I get around" and I know all the words, or Lil boozie's "wipe me down" and I know the chorus (ignorant songs I try to keep it to chorus only). Or sing along to Chamillionaire's "Ridin' Dirty" but am also well informed and have strong opinions regarding police profiling in my community. The fact that the other night while watching the video's that I DVR'd from BET, I had to get up and dance hard because the beat dropping in on UGK's "International Players Anthem" gets me every time, but I can also put together a cogent argument for why BET is the bain of my people's existence (and I use the word bain) is great stuff.
I tend to think that in my generation there are many like me. there are obviously those that stand only on one side or the other, but i think that there are many that straddle the line and exist in both realms without feeling conflicted or disingenuous.

...we are going through a bit of a rough patch. all of us. at the same time. its strange. i love how we are all relying on one another though. how we all have turned to our faith, and the bible for strength and fortification. its funny though, when things are swell we don't talk this much about the bible. isn't that always the way, when things get bad is when we turn in earnest to Him, of course we think about him and thank him in passing when things are good as well, but we re-commit, re-focus all our attention on Him, when things take a turn for the worse. i'm happy that we are all here for each other. i pray for us, in hopes that our various situations and stressors will pass and that in the meantime we don't give in to our disquieting thoughts.

...last night at the kingdom hall a brother that has recently been in the hospital for his heart, passed our towards the end of the meeting. his wife screamed, the meeting stopped, ppl hurried to his side, the paramedics were called, the meeting ended abruptly, ppl were silent. no one wanted to leave until the paramedics verified that he was ok. he is an older brother, probably close to the neighborhood of 70 years old, he got married about 3 years ago, for the first time i think. they are an odd couple, but they clearly make each other very happy, she has softened his often cantankerous nature. For her sake, almost more then his, I hope he is ok. To have finally found a measure of happiness and then to have it taken away abruptly (or slowly) while not uncommon to the human condition, is cruel nonetheless.

...2 Timothy 3:1-7
"1But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: 2For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, 4traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away! 6For of this sort are those who creep into households and make captives of gullible women loaded down with sins, led away by various lusts, 7always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth."
I have read 2 Tim 3:1-5 a million times. like literally a million times...but vs. 6, 7 I think i read it for the first time over the weekend. I can't ever recall reading it before, and it clicked for me...I've often wondered how the significant others in the lives of my friends and I could be so cruel, so deceptive, how their actions could belie such contempt and wholesale disregard for the feelings of those they claim to care about...the scripture explains it. Its the last days...

...Credit cards are the bain of my existence. I loathe them.

...My parents brought home videos from when I was a kid on vacation...I was 7 years old, adorable, articulate, and had a disproportionately large behind for my small frame. its the craziest thing, but it does look hilarious, i totally get why the kids made of me.

Unexpected pleasures...

2007-07-12T21:35:00.000-07:00

I always mock J about her favorite show, SYTTXVBCTREDG, which is the abbreviated acronym for "So you think that you can dance while in America on a reality show for people with real viable talent"...I think that is its short title.

Aside from its insanely long title, I DVR'd it last night, and much to my surprise I LOVED IT! Most of the dances were phenomenal, I'm convinced that most of the dance couples are sleeping together (at least with the couples wherein the guy seems not yet all the way gay), I liked the introduction to songs I had never heard of, and the story lines to the dances were cute as well. The only thing I didn't like, were the non dancers: the judges...especially the woman with the enormous teeth, who screams for some reason...the host...what is her purpose, her skill, how did she get this job?

My other unexpected pleasure are movies involving Stephan Chow...well actually i've only seen two of his movies, but if these are any indication....I love this guy! The two i've seen are Kung Fu Hustle and Shaolin Soccer. I explained to my sister that essentially they are comedies in the vein of Airplane, Dodgeball...low brow silly comedies with a moral that are in Chinese (I think) and involve extensive amounts of Kung-Fu. Typically movies like dodgeball or Airplane I consider to be beneath me, something I'll watch on an airplane, at the shop, or over the home of someone i'm not comfortable enough with to tell them to turn. But these Stephan Chow movies, I want the DVDs! The addition of the subtitles and kung fu, make them genius!

I left my heart in...

2007-07-11T19:41:00.000-07:00

San Francisco (hereinafter "SF").

I love SF.
So when my job asked if I could fly up to SF for a 10 minute appearance I said sure thing. Spend the morning/afternoon in a city that I love, meeting strangers in the airport, maybe even sneak in a little shopping in Union Square.
4am I'm up and at them, headed to the off airport parking, I make my flight since I have no bags to check, my flight is on time, and at 7am I am in the lovely city of SF. Preparing to get on the BART I speak to a nice young gentleman waiting for the train, we strike up a conversation, chat all the way to my stop. He gets off at my stop with me, walks me to the courthouse, I still have an hour or so before my hearing so he suggests we grab some breakfast. I say sure! We walk Several, and I do mean Several blocks into his neighborhood to his favorite breakfast place. His neighborhood is known as the Tenderloin district. It is everything that the name connotates. It is a neighborhood that I know not to be walking around in alone. Even walking with him I thought, as we passed many of the cities transients, I sure hope he can fight. Thankfully that wasn't necessary. And as we walked I determined that either he was walking me out of that neighborhood or I was cabbing it back to the courthouse.
We arrive at the breakfast place, sit down and the TV is on Fox News...they have found the body of some young woman who had been missing, they believed her death was caused by her boyfriend.
Hmmm, I just followed some strange man that I have never met before several blocks into a neighborhood that I know to be dangerous, to have breakfast at a place that he is familiar with that I am not. Ok. Alright. I agree, not one of my brightest moments. And while yeah i didn't feel at all in danger, Ted Bundy was notoriously charming and non-threatening and he killed several "smart" women.
But then I realized how sad it is that in this day and age two people who have a good conversation can't have breakfast, or meet up, or take their conversation from a happenstance meeting to further deliberations over some eggs, and pancakes? I mean isn't that the basis for most old love stories? Isn't that how Sidney Poitier met all his leading ladies?
My how times have changed.
As an aside, breakfast was great, we had wonderful conversation, we will likely keep in touch.

So after breakfast I head to the hearing, and guess what...its not until the next day. So yeah I went all the way up there, for a 10 minute hearing that wasn't going to take place until the next day. So after meeting and confering with my job, turns out I was going to be spending the night in SF. I got to get up with some good friends, had a good dinner, bought a new outfit, stayed in a nice hotel, and attended the 10 minute hearing the next day.

On the airplane ride home I realized that I hate people on airplanes. In the terminal ppl are fine, in fact generally I am very tolerant of ppl. However on a plane, ppl make me sick. I think its just the proximity and the fact that I have nowhere to go to escape them. The couple next to me were talking and laughing incessantly, the guy next to me kept touching me, and he had to get up to go to the bathroom. Its a 53 minute flight. 53 minutes!!! What adult can't hold it for 53 minutes?? Apparently lots of them. The guy with the window seat in front of me got up twice...twice in 53 minutes.
So yeah I hate ppl on planes, love SF, and like my new friend.

Ellipses

2007-07-02T09:44:00.001-07:00

Last week was tough...one of the worst weeks i've had in a minute. I'm glad its over. I'll admit i've been organizing, coordinating, hosting and MC'ing my own personal pity party...i feel like i felt when a relative died, cry a little here and there, an overall feeling of sadness, and a desire to remain solemn as it feels like being happy or jovial is still inappropriate. I am normally the queen of hidden emotion, and sucking it up...but i haven't had the energy to be my normally energetic self. Its strange...I watched a heck of a lot of Oprah last night, trying to clear out my tivo cache, and it was actually quite helpful. there is something very selfish about depression...you are only thinking about yourself and your situation, i remember reading an article once that said that one way to get out of such a funk is to dwell on others, participate in things that force you to take an interest is something or someone other then yourself...watching Oprah, peeking into the lives of these other ppl, seeing how truly fortunate I am by comparison, definitely took my mind off my issues. I am thankful for my blessings, and God's clear hand in my life, I just kick myself when i begin to reap what I have sewn....O' if I would only listen to His voice (isa. 48:17, 18)...I need to get that tattooed on my wrist, or chest, like that guy in Memento "Remember Isaiah 48..."...there was some other scripture that I read recently that I felt was even more necessary in my life right now, of course i've forgotten it, shouldn't be too hard to figure out where i read it...at work the other day I overheard someone in front of my door asking someone else (a blk person was asking a Jewish person about a scripture in the greek scriptures!) where that scripture that says that God will not put upon you more then what you can bear, he didn't know, so I yelled out 1 Cor 10:13...I was only about 70% sure that was the correct verse, I knew that was the right chapter and book, and turned out I was right about the verse as well. I am often surprised by my ability to quote and recall scriptures...unfortunately I tend to be like that man who looks into the mirror of God's word to see the man that he really is, only to walk away and forget what he saw...ironically, I can't remember where that one is...I cannot be less excited about my parents impending visit...its terrible...but it feels like i just saw them, and i just can't take that level of scrutiny right now, i'm already being hard on me the last thing I need/want is their dual assault on my life, interpersonal relationships, weight, skin, hair, home decorating, lack of organization, spending habits, clothes, and car maintenance...I really just want to be alone...like really alone...no sister, no hall, no work, just a weekend or so alone...I miss VA...i used to just disappear, drive along the river, to a waterfall, no cell service, no ppl, just an 1.5 hour drive, sit on the riverbed, and then drive back...I've been through worse, or at least equivalent, and really...sorry i just got distracted by this very cute, moderately big backed white boy with a buzz cut from some M state who always flirts with me when he drops off documents to our office...so what was I talking about?

Que Sera, Sera

2007-06-25T09:09:00.000-07:00

Overall I've enjoyed the time I've spent with you. Thank you for everything, including the bad, from it I've learned and grown.

I wish you the best, take care of yourself.

rant....

2007-06-20T21:42:00.000-07:00

am i so crazy to think that if you say that you are going to accompany me somewhere, that you actually come...is it nuts that i tend to believe the words that are coming out of your mouth...maybe thats the issue, perhaps previous ones tended to believe that you like all else were mostly spewing bull-ish and much wasn't expected of you so you failed them....i have a tendancy to give ppl the benefit of the doubt until they give me reason not to...the reasons are becoming apparent...what it seems like you are failing to realize is that it hasn't been long enough for it not to add up....there is not that much space in between to let me forget...and so i have a very clear recollection of the fact that you tend to piss me off every weekend...I feel like you teach ppl how to treat you...but i can't figure out how to make it anymore clear to you how unacceptable this behavior is, not to mention i don't have children for several reasons and this is one of them, I don't want to patiently teach someone a lesson about how to conduct themselves, you're an adult and i expect you to know better, i don't want to have to teach you this sort of lesson that you should already know...I'm not with you to teach you...mother you...remind you...or absorb your disappointing behavior without complaint...i'm tired of complaining.

The Homicide Report

2007-06-19T16:08:00.000-07:00

The LA Times runs a blog called the Homicide Report which chronicles all LA County homicide victims and can be seen here: http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/homicidereport/.

I ran across it a couple weeks ago, and have periodically checked in on it.

It is strange.

I find it applaudable because it gives us more then our local news offers us, it puts a face to the "police responded to shots fired in South Central, again" stories that we hear on the local news. It gives some insight into the lives of these murdered individuals, without deifying them. It makes them human. Makes them seem like you and I, or my cousin, or my little brother.

On the other hand.

It is sickening. It is a blog that names all those killed in Los Angeles in a predominantly matter of fact, stand-offish journalistic manner. It feels perverse that I should read, see pictures of, and pass judgment on those murdered in LA last week. The realities that the "police responded to shots fired in South Central, again" stories allow me to remain ignorant of are laid bare, and I read them, and I am sickened.

Maybe I have a morbid fascination, maybe I just can't believe the sheer volume of lives lost, maybe I am trying to wrap my mind around the seemingly endless random shootings, maybe I need to believe that most who die in shootings did something to bring it upon themselves....but most didn't. For most the police and family are at a loss for why their relative was killed. I am confounded by this.

Its equally disturbing to read the ethnicities and genders of these victims. Overwhelmingly black or mexican men or boys.

I can't articulate in an organized manner all the things this homicide report calls to my mind...how much I love this city, but how incredibly different its regions are...Inglewood, South Central, the entire region bordered by the 710, 405, 10 and 105 despite being mere miles from hollywood, bev hills, santa monica are for all intents and purposes light years away from each other...how for those living in these regions the likelihood of getting shot is so high that it becomes a virtual right of passage....the reason there are no black men in LA is because they are being gunned down with regularity....I thought wearing the "wrong" color was so 1992, it ain't....contrary to what the media tells me, many of the young men killed in this way are not gang affiliated, they are wrong place, wrong time, victims of hot-heads and road ragers, they could basically be any of us....how irritated it makes me that the stories, faces, and families of hardworking people murdered senselessly don't make the news but there is virtually round the clock coverage of all things celebrity...the news never made me feel this way about my city....I feel like this blog/report should be required reading for all middle school and high school kids....maybe required reading for everyone.

This Job...

2007-06-15T15:32:00.000-07:00

I just returned from a three hour lunch wherein I ate, had 3 stiff cocktails, and hit up a bar....Law school was the best decision I ever made...

Memorial Day...the aftermath...

2007-06-14T17:22:00.000-07:00

im so blown by all of this....this is precisely the part of relationships that i hate...when the behavior of the other person makes me miserable, and there isnothing that i can do to stop it, prevent it, or control it. If you want out just say so, but all this little stuff that is slowly sabotaging us, i can't take it. I did the chasing after someone who didn't want to be caught routine, it taught me a lesson, if he's not that into you, he's not that into you, and there is nothing you can do to rekindle what you may have had at first. I did the being with someone who i only trusted about 35% of the time, damn near drove me crazy, I can't take that either. i'm at a point where i want nothing but sheer unabashed honesty. if this is too much, you made a hasty decision, you have doubts or second thoughts...fine. i can appreciate and live with that. but i wont be with someone who i am constantly guessing about what they are thinking, or i'm always worried that they are going to pull the switch at any moment and surprise the heck out of me. i deserve better. i also deserve to enjoy my long weekend. men asked me this weekend if i was single and though i always replied no, it dawned on me that i felt pretty single, i haven't felt single in a couple of months but this weekend i totally did. and i imagine you did as well. i didn't feel loved or cared for by someone at all this weekend, i felt by myself. which is fine, i've spent lots of time by myself and it really aint that bad, granted being with you is better, i prefer that, but not if i'm just going to be feeling like this. so now i'm wondering....so then we chat....and thats why i didn't want to chat b/c it would only make it worse...and i just want to call you at work and scream at you but clearly i'm NOT going to do that, even though every fiber of my being just wants to pick up that phone, but i won't because i am professional and i am an adult, and...i just want to cry, but there is no crying at work, i have always had that rule, no tears at the office! so i'm just going to sit here and blink for a second or two and then i am going to get to work...i'm petrified that this is over, but i can't think about that right now b/c any second now blinking is about to stop working...work...yeah...work....

I draw the line...

2007-06-14T13:08:00.000-07:00

I draw the line at deaf mutes.

So I am at the very least a decent looking woman with some notable attributes that tend to draw the attention of men.

I get that, and mostly I am totally ok with that.

But a line must be drawn somewhere. And I, Jennifer Yvonne Williams, heretofor, henceforth, towit draw said line at deaf mutes.

I am walking through the train station, I walk by a young blk man, in a ridiculous hood rich get up, who "Ay, Ay"'s me as I walk by. I nod, so as to not offend, who knows what lies beneath those emerald green dickie shorts (aka-capri's). When I stop walking to wait on my train, here comes green shorts. He stands next to me and proceeds to mumble something, without actually looking at him (eye contact tends to prolong these sorts of encounters) I say "excuse me"-more mumbling. I now look at him sharply, b/c I am irritated that this person is trying to talk to me without using words that an english speaking person can understand. Turns out he is expecting me to read his lips and the rudimentary (or perhaps advanced) American Sign Language he is "signing" (I feel like what he was doing would be an insult to ASL "speakers" "signors" "performers" not sure what the correct phrase is-then again how the heck would I know).

I'm looking at him, his lips are in fact moving, and he is using the pen in his hand to pretend scribble in his free hand indicating to me that he would like to write down my phone number, or maybe he needed directions, or me to call the police, get a splinter out of his hand...now that I think about it he could have been requesting anything. I smiled and said that I have a boyfriend.

He then proceeds to ask me a question...no seriously...the deaf, mute man/boy in green shorts asked me a question in that "speech" that deaf mute ppl make. So I say, "I'm sorry?", knowing full well that no matter how many times he repeats this statement/question/request/plea I will not understand him, yet somehow I'm thinking maybe if I pay close attention I can read his lips...me a hearing person, is now desperately trying to read the lips of the man/boy that I Didn't and Don't want to talk to, in order to make this very painful conversation stop...he repeats himself-blank stare from me.

Finally, I just say "yeah, I'm good thanks". Was that the answer to his question, who knows...and likely I'll never know. But at least he stopped "asking" me the question.

More gesticulating with pen to hand mimicing writing, I make a sad face and repeat that I have a boyfriend. The sad face apparently did the trick as green shorts shook his head, seemingly acknowledging my statements and walked away.

Here's a question, what or how were we going to talk if I had given him my number? He is deaf, and mute. I do not have all day to talk on that ttyl thing (wait is that what its called?).

Main point: I have drawn a line, and deaf mutes are on the opposing side of said line. I will not entertain their advances unless they have a notebook and working pen, and that is just all there is to it!

changes

2007-03-08T11:45:00.000-08:00

he's moving near here. and i am petrified. like, want to change my number, relocate, take on my step-fathers last name, scared. my life is so good right now, i feel balanced, or at least closer to a state of equilibrium. but i feel like his move is going to ruin all of the work i've put in to get my mind right. as a whole i was much safer when he was far away. and now he'll be near here, and it just feels ripe for disaster.
the worst part, thinking about him being here, made me kinda happy today. Already, my efforts are eroding.