I'm so angry.
So hateful, right now.
I have tried to let this go, and i do well for a while. At least I stopped wishing that she would die.
But then something happens that brings it all back to mind, and I can barely concentrate for being so preoccupied with hostility.
And the fact that me thinking of her and that situation makes me feel like this makes me hate her even more for having this kind of power and control without even trying or saying a word to me.
and I hate him.
but i hate him at least once a week, and usually twice on sundays so that is nothing new.
but i forgot about my capacity for ill will.
I gotta work on this, this is terrible.
And to think just yesterday I was so happy.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
True, True
This is from DailyOM.com:
Owning Your Emotions
Name It And Claim It
Our feelings can sometimes present a very challenging aspect of our lives. We experience intense emotions without understanding precisely why and consequently find it difficult to identify the solutions that will soothe our distressed minds and hearts. Yet it is only when we are capable of naming our feelings that we can tame them by finding an appropriate resolution. We retake control of our personal power by becoming courageous enough to articulate, out loud and concisely, the essence of our emotions. Our assuming ownership of the challenges before us in this way empowers us to shift from one emotional state to another-we can let go of pain and upset because we have defined it, examined the effect it had on our lives, and then exerted our authority over it by making it our own. By naming our feelings, we claim the right to divest ourselves of them at will.
As you prepare to acknowledge your feelings aloud, gently remind yourself that being specific is an important part of exercising control. Whatever the nature of your feelings, carefully define the reaction taking place within you. If you are afraid of a situation or intimidated by an individual, try not to mince words while giving voice to your anxiety. The precision with which you express yourself is indicative of your overall willingness to stare your feelings in the face without flinching. Naming and claiming cannot always work in the vacuum of the soul. There may be times in which you will find the release you desire only by admitting your feelings before others. When this is the case, your ability to outline your feelings explicitly can help you ask for the support, aid, or guidance you need without becoming mired in the feelings that led you to make such an admission in the first place.
When you have moved past the apprehension associated with expressing your distressing feelings out loud, you may be surprised to discover that you feel liberated and lightened. This is because the act of making a clear connection between your circumstances and your feelings unravels the mystery that previously kept you from being in complete control of your emotional state. To give voice to your feelings, you must necessarily let them go. In the process, you naturally relax and rediscover your emotional equilibrium.
I've always known that I was no good at keeping my emotions bottled up.
Those women you hear about who suspect thier husband of cheating b/c they find a miniscule clue, so they patiently wait and gather more evidence over time until they have an airtight case or come upon the smoking gun.
I am incapable of this.
The first miniscule clue I find he will know all about it 2.5 seconds after I find out about it.
I always thought this rush to confront and or tell ppl how I feel was a result of my impatience. I don't like to wait-on anything. I'm all about right now.
But recently I experienced a situation where for various and lengthy reasons I wasn't able to articulate to the person how I felt, how angry, hurt and saddened I was by their actions. It took such an unexpected toll on me. I was angry about the situation so I ended up angry about everything else, since I couldn't talk to the person I wanted/needed to talk to I didn't want to talk to anyone. My spirit was so heavy, I felt toxic, like I was making myself ill carrying around all these emotions. I didn't talk about the situation to anyone else because i've always felt like if you aren't going to tell the person that made you mad about your anger then what is the point of discussing your anger at all, what point is served if your telling ppl who have no ability to help the situation.
So I held it in.
When I was finally able to talk to the person and tell them how I felt and why I felt that way, it was such a sweet release, I could finally let go of the anger and the hurt. My mere statement of feelings by no means provided any resolution to our situation, and I was never under the belief that it would, but once I said my peace i was in a place where I could actually hear what they needed to say to me.
Funny thing is if they had taken the dailyOM's advice in the first place this entire situation wouldn't have existed.
As usual I'm right...lol
Owning Your Emotions
Name It And Claim It
Our feelings can sometimes present a very challenging aspect of our lives. We experience intense emotions without understanding precisely why and consequently find it difficult to identify the solutions that will soothe our distressed minds and hearts. Yet it is only when we are capable of naming our feelings that we can tame them by finding an appropriate resolution. We retake control of our personal power by becoming courageous enough to articulate, out loud and concisely, the essence of our emotions. Our assuming ownership of the challenges before us in this way empowers us to shift from one emotional state to another-we can let go of pain and upset because we have defined it, examined the effect it had on our lives, and then exerted our authority over it by making it our own. By naming our feelings, we claim the right to divest ourselves of them at will.
As you prepare to acknowledge your feelings aloud, gently remind yourself that being specific is an important part of exercising control. Whatever the nature of your feelings, carefully define the reaction taking place within you. If you are afraid of a situation or intimidated by an individual, try not to mince words while giving voice to your anxiety. The precision with which you express yourself is indicative of your overall willingness to stare your feelings in the face without flinching. Naming and claiming cannot always work in the vacuum of the soul. There may be times in which you will find the release you desire only by admitting your feelings before others. When this is the case, your ability to outline your feelings explicitly can help you ask for the support, aid, or guidance you need without becoming mired in the feelings that led you to make such an admission in the first place.
When you have moved past the apprehension associated with expressing your distressing feelings out loud, you may be surprised to discover that you feel liberated and lightened. This is because the act of making a clear connection between your circumstances and your feelings unravels the mystery that previously kept you from being in complete control of your emotional state. To give voice to your feelings, you must necessarily let them go. In the process, you naturally relax and rediscover your emotional equilibrium.
I've always known that I was no good at keeping my emotions bottled up.
Those women you hear about who suspect thier husband of cheating b/c they find a miniscule clue, so they patiently wait and gather more evidence over time until they have an airtight case or come upon the smoking gun.
I am incapable of this.
The first miniscule clue I find he will know all about it 2.5 seconds after I find out about it.
I always thought this rush to confront and or tell ppl how I feel was a result of my impatience. I don't like to wait-on anything. I'm all about right now.
But recently I experienced a situation where for various and lengthy reasons I wasn't able to articulate to the person how I felt, how angry, hurt and saddened I was by their actions. It took such an unexpected toll on me. I was angry about the situation so I ended up angry about everything else, since I couldn't talk to the person I wanted/needed to talk to I didn't want to talk to anyone. My spirit was so heavy, I felt toxic, like I was making myself ill carrying around all these emotions. I didn't talk about the situation to anyone else because i've always felt like if you aren't going to tell the person that made you mad about your anger then what is the point of discussing your anger at all, what point is served if your telling ppl who have no ability to help the situation.
So I held it in.
When I was finally able to talk to the person and tell them how I felt and why I felt that way, it was such a sweet release, I could finally let go of the anger and the hurt. My mere statement of feelings by no means provided any resolution to our situation, and I was never under the belief that it would, but once I said my peace i was in a place where I could actually hear what they needed to say to me.
Funny thing is if they had taken the dailyOM's advice in the first place this entire situation wouldn't have existed.
As usual I'm right...lol
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
19th Grade
It all started with Eric Lytle. The year was 1986. We attended Coyote Canyon Elementary School, and we were both in Mrs. Smith's kindergarten class. Beginning from day one Eric and I vyed for the top spot in the class. He was so smug, and certain that his boyhood made him infinitely smarter then me. I'll admit he won many of the battles, I often came in second to his scores. But in 6th grade I won the war-I was asked to skip 7th grade. He was livid, I took great pleasure in informing him that my maturity level in combination with my academics were the reason given for the catapult to 8th grade. I don't think Eric ever recovered, I know that I never stopped gloating.
Fast forward 10+ years. I'm a lawyer. Its a job. I do it because it pays me and because I like the work involved. I'm not a rocket scientist, I haven't cured cancer, I don't race stock cars, I go to work, read stuff, and give my opinion. I had no idea the effect my job title would have on my interactions with men or how at 25 I'd still be embroiled in a competition a la Eric v. Jennifer k-6.
Lately it seems all my conversations with men follow this general pattern:
They: What do you do?
I'm a lawyer
They: REALLY. Wow. Well I'm a professional too, I do __________. I mean I'm thinking about going back to school but_________. But I mean I make good money, etc....How old are you?
25
They: wow....(more exploratory questions) So you have a roommate?
No
They: so you live by yourself?
Yep
They: well what kind of car do you drive?
Honda civic
They: (usually some gesture of relief along with some variation of:) OH well I drive a (insert car that is better then 2000 Honda Civic-which incidentally is almost any car).
ok.
I've had almost this exact conversation more times then I care to remember and each time I ask the same question at the end-"I'm sorry, are we in some sort of competition?" And even though the verbal answer is always no, all other indications seem to point to the contrary.
It starts with the job and/or eduation, when and/or if they feel like they can't compete on that level we move on to living situation, if they feel like thier living situation isn't up to par then we devolve to the type of car that I drive. It amazes me the amount of confidence they regain when the figure out that their car is better then mine, like they've won something, like they can go back to feeling good about themselves, and I am now once again attainable.
What is with that?
In their defense these same men claim that a professional woman doesn't intimidate them, that they would be ok if their girl/wife made more money them etc. But that sentiment doesn't ring true when they interrogate me to find a "chink" in my supposed armor.
I had this conversation on Saturday and on Monday I went looking for a new car, and I thought to myself what happens when I get a new car? Will my job, living situation, and car conspire to break the spirit of every man I meet from now on? Is it a requirement that a man have or do something "better" then a woman for him to feel secure? Many argue that men need to feel needed by their women, and when that isn't the case gender roles are reversed and take a toll on the relationship.
That's dumb.
Fast forward 10+ years. I'm a lawyer. Its a job. I do it because it pays me and because I like the work involved. I'm not a rocket scientist, I haven't cured cancer, I don't race stock cars, I go to work, read stuff, and give my opinion. I had no idea the effect my job title would have on my interactions with men or how at 25 I'd still be embroiled in a competition a la Eric v. Jennifer k-6.
Lately it seems all my conversations with men follow this general pattern:
They: What do you do?
I'm a lawyer
They: REALLY. Wow. Well I'm a professional too, I do __________. I mean I'm thinking about going back to school but_________. But I mean I make good money, etc....How old are you?
25
They: wow....(more exploratory questions) So you have a roommate?
No
They: so you live by yourself?
Yep
They: well what kind of car do you drive?
Honda civic
They: (usually some gesture of relief along with some variation of:) OH well I drive a (insert car that is better then 2000 Honda Civic-which incidentally is almost any car).
ok.
I've had almost this exact conversation more times then I care to remember and each time I ask the same question at the end-"I'm sorry, are we in some sort of competition?" And even though the verbal answer is always no, all other indications seem to point to the contrary.
It starts with the job and/or eduation, when and/or if they feel like they can't compete on that level we move on to living situation, if they feel like thier living situation isn't up to par then we devolve to the type of car that I drive. It amazes me the amount of confidence they regain when the figure out that their car is better then mine, like they've won something, like they can go back to feeling good about themselves, and I am now once again attainable.
What is with that?
In their defense these same men claim that a professional woman doesn't intimidate them, that they would be ok if their girl/wife made more money them etc. But that sentiment doesn't ring true when they interrogate me to find a "chink" in my supposed armor.
I had this conversation on Saturday and on Monday I went looking for a new car, and I thought to myself what happens when I get a new car? Will my job, living situation, and car conspire to break the spirit of every man I meet from now on? Is it a requirement that a man have or do something "better" then a woman for him to feel secure? Many argue that men need to feel needed by their women, and when that isn't the case gender roles are reversed and take a toll on the relationship.
That's dumb.
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