Tuesday, December 22, 2009

History...

History has been popping up on me lately.

I recalled the other day, something I hadn't thought of probably since it happened, but my mom used to pull my loose teeth by tying a string around them and tying the other end to a door knob, and then slamming the door. It makes me laugh at how cruel it was now, to be clear my mother had no intention of being cruel, in fact she subscribed to some old wives tale that a loose tooth HAD to come out (wouldn't it have come out eventually? What was the rush? I think the fear involved something about swallowing the tooth), and for whatever reason this was the most logical method. But how she never thought of the crippling fear and terror such a thing might create cracks me up. I just remember being almost frantic during the set up, trying to decide if sitting through this or getting a whooping would be more painful. Funny thing is that I don't really remember it hurting, I just remember the agony of anticipation. I think it only happened a couple times, I learned pretty quickly that if I just get the tooth out before she noticed it was loose I could avoid the whole situation. My mother was an insane person-lol and good Lord I love her.

Thats the thing about being a parent, its happening in real time, there is no ability to put a moment on pause and deliberate all appropriate courses, or all possible outcomes of any one decision. You just have to do it, and hope for the best. Its not until they are an adult or after a few years that you can look back and determine which idea worked and which one didn't. The more things I see my parents go through with my little brother, now 18, the more I see what a difficult tight rope parents walk. There just is no "right" way. Each kid is different. Each one needs a different kind of attention/discipline/level of nurturing/independence etc. Its a crap shot. You don't know what kind of kid you are going to get or what approach will work best with said child. And you only have a few years to get it right, you get it wrong and the rest of your life and theirs you spend in regret and they spend jacked up in some form or fashion. History: I look back on my step brother and my step dad. First arrest at 18 after teen years chalk full of screw ups bad decision making and just general bad kid stuff. He got plenty of whoopings, talking to-s, bible admonishments, counseling etc, he simply couldn't/wouldn't pull it together. All the things that worked for his sister failed for him. And 18 was essentially the beginning of his end. That first arrest put his life on a course that he would never quite recover from. He did a little jail time, probation. Got out did well, then violated. More jail time, more probation/parole, and on and on and on. He's now well over 45 and doing something like 2-6 as we speak. He could never quite find his footing on the outside, getting his ish completely together always alluded him. It was always one seemingly minor failing that did him in-missed parole/probation meeting, failure to register appropriately, driving illegally, and on and on and on. And it was never his fault-this grown able bodied man, never did anything that he was solely responsible for, ALSO it was never his friends. Always some external force they had no control over. Always. Present Day: my little 18 year old brother is consistently in trouble. But it's never his fault, its always someone or something else's fault. He just had his first arrest. Tomorrow we'll find out if he's getting out and what the final charges will be. Likely it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but his behavior is so frightening because its just further evidence of the fact that he is such a follower, such an identity-less kid. I just wish I knew how to reach him. I wish I knew what the formula is for him. I hear the guilt/regret/frustration in my stepmom's voice and I feel for her. By no account was she a bad mom. And even if she was, people make choices, he's not a little kid anymore. I just can't bear to see history repeat itself in this brother.

Then there is the history with Him. Its been rocky at best. Despite that, we're happy right now. But in the back of my mind, if he takes too long to get back to me with a call, or he doesn't respond to my texts for what i feel is too long. All that doubt comes back. That knot in my stomach returns and I immediately think the worst. And the killer is i know that I am over reacting but I can't make it stop...That history keeps pulling me back. He gets it, kinda. It doesn't make him as overly considerate of my feelings as I'd like him to be but he does ok.

History has been heavy on my mind.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Since someone, who we'll call Ms. Bossypants demanded that I blog, here I am to blog.

What is going on with me?

1. I'm in love. Most notably and interestingly I am in love. Its not a new love, its the same person I've been in love with for a few years now, but instead of fighting my feelings I (we) are all in. Its nice. Its new-ish. We both agree this is our last and final try, if we can't make it work this go around, we'll let it go. Or maybe I'm the one committed to letting it go. Either way, thus far its been a good ride. I'm learning to take satisfaction in each day. Be grateful for my daily happinesses-the coffee that I perfectly creamed and sugared, the new music I found online, a sweet message/phone call/text, him keeping his word in the small things, a sub circuit overseer and wife that I adore, and just the fun that is my life.

2. Work is transitioning, and with change comes growing pains. My job is making me racist. Of my employees the only ones I like are the Mexican ones. All the white employees I've had have been the laziest, most entitled, snobby, complaining, least hard working ppl especially when compared to my coming in early, leaving late, working weekends NEVER complaining Mexican employees. I fired my last white employee on Friday (but I also fired one Mexican one). SOOOO happy with the current staff. Also, for the record, I LOVE white ppl...some of my best friends, yadda, yadda, yadda.

3. Physically-I'm not currently dying of anything in particular. But what is it about being in a relationship that makes you fat?? Like why since we have been together have I gained all the weight I'd lost recently? Its so crazy! So tomorrow I start with a dietary supplement, treadmill, no carbs etc. I've got to do something otherwise i'll be as big as a house and I can't have that.

4. My sister and I are doing pretty ok. I'm fairly certain that she knows about my dude. She's come by when he's been here hanging out at my house, they have been talking b/c she needed some work done on her car. She invited him over to the house for dinner in payment for his free work on her car. He has thus far spent an evening with my cousins on my Father's side. Hangs out with Jai and I all the time. I've spent a fair bit of time with his mother and sister, and will be having dinner with his father for a second time in a couple weeks. My dad is bothering me to meet him as well. Despite what I believe to be my sister's knowledge other then a joking aside about him being my boyfriend she hasn't said anything to me about him, no questions, no real comments about him being at my house or us spending weekend time together. Which is almost more telling for my super inquisitive sister.
She is still getting her panties all in a bunch that we don't spend a whole heck of a lot of social time together. And she invited me to go on a cruise with her and her friends, and got totally in a huff when I was reluctant to go. Because I am the great ppl pleaser I gave in and will now be going on a cruise in August that I don't really want to go on. But i'm sure it will be fun nonetheless.

5. Spirituality-it needs some work. The traveling overseer and his wife subbed for our circuit overseer this weekend. Normally I don't participate in the wining and dining of the traveling brothers, but my favorite couple and sister we're going so I decided to go. We went to a winery restaurant, so we wine tasted, ate good food and had genuinely funny, comfortable conversation. They were great, and hanging with them was really encouraging. I always love to meet normal, well adjusted, contemporary, fun witnesses.

I think thats about the jist of it. I can't think of anything else important that is going on.

Hope all is well with ya'll.

Monday, November 02, 2009

The Experiment...

So the great hair experiment of 09' came and went. And here was day one of the experiment.



This was about 2/3rds the way dry. Except for the stringy dumb front part the back curled up nicely, which it should since its only been molested by a pressing comb once in the last 7 months or so and my African roots run strong.

I braided it up that night, and it came out a little crazy in the morning, but after getting into the shower, applying more product, and doing a bit of styling this is what I ended up with.




From the side and at this point it was totally cute! Later in the day I didn't love it so much, it got a little mushroomy, the sides got flat on the bottom and left me with a look I didn't love. But it slapped up into a cute ponytail. I almost want to press it out a couple more times just to loosed up the curl a bit, but I know that in so doing I'll just be left with ridiculous straight tips. Ohhh the dilemma.

Speaking of my dilemma(s) I purchased the most important book ever the other day. It is my new personal bible, I wish it came in pocket form.




"If your face is flushed...you might have yellow fever. If your toes are discolored...you might have gangrene." I can now identify nearly all the possible obscure diseases related to any minuscule pain or discomfort I may experience. How wonderful is that!?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Newness...

Hey all!!!

Wow August 15th...jeez what have I been up to since then?

Well the end of (technical) summer has come since then. I think at the end I kinda feel like "ehhh". Last summer was so awesome, St. Maarten, New York, bi-monthly Honey Parties, my regular schedule of parties and concerts it was an incredible summer. Perhaps too wonderful as just after summer I was summarily laid-off. A fact which i didn't discuss at the time, it was so devastating back then. Thankfully now I can laugh at how embarrassed/hurt/sad/confused/lost I was back then.

Anyway back to the much more pleasant now...sorta.
Well since August, I've lost a little bit of the love I had at first. People are idiots and seemingly bent on irritating me. Why, why must you do things that will only serve to make me want to fire you and literally kick you in the behind on your way out? My most problematic employee mercifully quit, I almost fell to my knees thanking her. However even with her gone, it ain't all rainbows and sunshine.

I also put the greatest stress imaginable on one of my most treasured friendships. I totaled my girls car. Le Sigh. You know that point in the evening when you realize one more drink and i'm out...She got to that point asked how I was doing (i'm always sober) I assured her that I was fine and more then willing to drive us home in her car. Got car from valet, pulled out into traffic, immediately hit by oncoming car, pinning us between said car and parked taxi cab. It was ugly, I couldn't have felt worse. It didn't help that we both were headed out of town, and had some other things going on for a few wknds deviating from our regularly scheduled weekend party time. While she battled with her insurance, and the body shop, and figuring out if we were praying for fixibility or for them to total it, I stressed. I firmly believe that finances/money is the quickest way to ruin a relationship. And though I vowed to cover any and every expense, a huge part of the hassle is simply being on the phone with these ppl, going to get your stuff out of the car, and just keeping up with all the nonsense. Turns out about 28 days after the accident (just before her rental car ran out) they totaled the car, she ended up getting her deposit, plus two car payments back and only had to pay the deductible. She was so gracious throughout, and haggled with me to force me to let the whole thing go, call us even and carry on. I still feel in her debt to some degree, but i'm happy that it all worked out and that we have moved on, resuming our regularly scheduled drinking outings, in which i drive all the time regardless.

I have also sorta rekindled a love affair. He seems different this time. But I'm pretty sure i've said that before so don't put too much stock in it. I'm still waiting, watching, wondering what's going to happen this time.

The end of summer also means the end of JennWill's weave. I love my summer weave, so big and wild, or long and perfectly curled. Ahhh good times. But I saw "Good Hair", and my hair has grown out quite a bit since I started this whole 6 mos in a weave 6 mos out schedule. And really my own natural curl is pretty lovely, but I always hated the shrinkage and how short it got. Now that its longer, I'm so curious. My step mom has mastered doing a straw set on her own hair and I told her that I would let her test it out on mine...but I also just want to see what my hair will do on its own. To that end, I went to a showcase of Miss Jessie's products. Which allegedly will keep my curly locks curly and soft instead of frizzy and half straightish. Anyone use these products? Or have any other recommendations? Mia, I'm talking to you. :)

Its an experiment that I might try this weekend, I'll let you all know how it goes.

I have also totally fallen off my workout/eating right grind. So sad. I refuse to be sloppy, but I also refuse to live without french fries. Quite the quandary.

Alright ya'll! Missed ya!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Live Blogging...

It is Saturday 9:37pm and I am drafting a demand letter for a client at The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf on LaCienega Blvd. across the street from the Beverly Center in Beverly Hills.

Obviously it is unusal for me to be in such a place on such a prime outing night however circumstances (a hair appt) required that I kill some time before meeting up with my peeps for a night out lite on the town-I'm still getting over a cold of course.

But the reason I decided to live blog, all the while earning my retained fees, is because about 10 minutes ago a couple walked in, and I am now bearing witness to the WORST 1st date/meeting that has ever taken place in the history of the world.

These two met online, apparently her main picutre is all oily skinned looking, and she looks pale and white. Apprently in real life she is far more beautiful then her pictures lead on, also she looks spanish, or exotic in real life, what with her dark skin (she is not dark, she is a white girl). I know these things because the guy she is meeting is incredibly loud, and an ASSHOLE. In the first 3 minutes of them walking in I heard him commenting/complaining about how far he has driven to meet this girl-apparently over an hour. And her initial reaction was less then enthused, which made him feel like she was disappointed and that he wasn't her type which made him sad because she is his type, and he has driven far to see her, and does she think he is fat? No really? Tell me honestly-do you think i'm fat, b/c you know how you don't always know what you look like until someone else tells you honestly, so honestly would you say i'm fat/chubby/out of shape for a guy? I mean i'm not running or exercising as much as I used to b/c you know i'm in law school and i'm busy, but like I was thinner, and i'm losing weight, do you think I would be more your type if I lost more weight? She mumbles three words. Then he launches off about why he went to law school-b/c all the lawyers he used to get his daughter back weren't really helpful-so really you think i'm overweight and you're not attracted to me.....

This goes on, and on, and on. More about him. More about his insecurity re: weight, more, more, more. I just want to rescue her. I don't know her. Probably wouldn't even like her if i knew her personally, but seriously this date/meeting is painful!!

9:52-he brought a change of clothes they are in the car, does she want him to change, b/c he can. What was your last relationship like?

9:54 And now they are leaving, and she looks at me plaintiffly. Maybe I would like her in real life. I smile a knowing, yet empathetic smile. That was brutal hopefully she is finding a way to wrap it up and not going with him to the next location. Poor woman.

Gosh, I wish they didn't leave. Now I have to go back to working.

Anyway so my Month O' Travel is not going to happen. My sister volunteered to go with me. And then the next morning after thinking about it she recalled that she is buying a house, trying to pay off bills, and need not embark on a month of frivolous spending. As she ticked off all the obligations she needs to pay, I recalled that I have the same bills to pay and need to save/slow down just as much. So the Month O' Travel is dead. Instead I think I'll blow some money taking my sister on a surprise local get-a-way.

9:59-This really clean 6-series BMW drop top on exaggerated rims pulls into the parking lot with two black dudes, one of whom is wearing sunglasses atop his head (why?). They exit the vehicle and walk towards an old Honda Civic two door with these two waiting non black chicks. Both of whom exit the vehicle to allow the dudes into the back seat. WTH?? If we're going to sit in a car, in a parking lot, I'm sitting in the BMW, not the Honda! Also, seriously, what are they doing? Blowjobs? Drug deal? double date? So many questions.

10:09-black guy with dumb sunglasses comes into coffee bean, apparently to make a phone call and/or purchase a beverage.

10:11-Sunglasses attempts to get into my line of sight under guise of toying with phone, waiting on drink. I ignore knowing that he purchased nothing, and is an idiot.

10:13-Sunglasses buys a hot chocolate-just say you're gay.

Ok so the timeline gets screwed up here, b/c my ex-bf Jovon shows up to say hello to me and introduce me to his new artist that he is managing Bluu.

Just before Jov shows up, the other black guy gets out of the Honda with an envelope, and he and one of the girls go into the trunk for something. The Jov appears in my line of vision and I almost don't recognize him because he is so skinny. Bastard. We chat, he states that I am lovely etc. I don't say that this is the first time i've seen him since May, and so don't start with me about how you miss me, care for me, i smell good etc, bull-ish. But he reads between the lines, b/c he knows me well and makes his guilty face. He also tells me that he finally put his free-loading perpetual child roommate/son out of his apartment yesterday. Huh, ain't that sumthin.

So anyhow I say all this to offer an explanation about how my live blogging went to ish. Then right after he left, the girls started to call about what the plan of action is for tonight.

10:35-I'm off to Sanaea's to meet up for some late dinner and drinks.

Ciao!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

That lull...

Ok I am mad that someone said on facebook today that with the weather being overcast today that they guess that its the end of summer dresses for them. The audacity to presume that the end of summer occured in LA on August 13th. WHAT??!! How dare you, shut your mouth. The summer in LA is perpetual, aside for which thus far I feel like its been pretty mundane and I refuse to acknolwedge that it might be even remotely near its conclusion.

First, let me start by saying that the beginning of this summer had some amazing perks. First, there was the San Diego trip where I got to spend time with my old law school roommate and BFF Trenya. THEN there was the always random but consistently awesome partying with my Ace Sanaea. THEN my sister from another mother Stacee blew into town for a few weeks for work. Followed by a surprise dinner visit with my high school road dog, Candice. THEN, I went to Essence with my heart JAC who I hadn't seen in a year and a wide array of trials and tribulations. THEN after that my right hand woman and conscience, Krysanthemum got into town from Texas.

All of the bumping into my past and present made me remember and realize that I have an awesome network of girlfriends. There have been various periods of my life where I have felt alone, or disillusioned, or whatever, but all these visits made me remember that I have never been alone. Stacee has been riding with me since 4th grade, Candace since 8th, despite the length of time between talking to either of these two, we always pick right up from where we left off, the bond is that deep. I've known Krysti since 10th grade and we've been in contact consistently through every up and down since then. Trenya was with me during my first love, first heartbreak, and the ego killer that is law school. JAC's support, listening ear, and dancing feet got me through what I like to call the redemption phase of my life. Sanaea started out as a party companion/co-worker a couple years ago but since then has become a true friend and most importantly a psuedo boyfriend :).

The only other person I haven't seen is Jai. Jai is not only my party partner, travel buddy, and cousin, she is my longest phone conversations, and my toe-toe to verbal sparring partner, we've fallen out more times then I can remember, but we always come back like we never left. Also she is a nut and cracks me up. That's the other running thread through these ladies, they are hilarious. And if laughter is any sort of cure all, this summer has been redeeming for your girl. Then a couple weeks ago, I got news that Jai is moving back to Cali from DC and Stacee is coming back to SoCal from NorCal. WHAT??!! So in this one summer I will have seen all the women that have played, and are continuing to play crucial roles in my life. Whatever the reasons for their visits I am happy and appreciative for the happenstances that brought all these women into my life even if only briefly over these past few months.

So now I am going to totally contradict myself-I feel a life lull. At first it was really enjoyable, nice and peaceful. Kind of relaxing to have no real stressors, or nothing exciting going on. Just working, going out, hanging out, worshiping my God, basically chillin. And now I'm still chillin. No one trying to woo me, or confuse me. Really my phone barely rings, I go out with my girls to the same or similar places, I'm regularly dumb fly and that's about it. I know its a good thing. I know I should be grateful for the peace and quiet in my life, but to be frank it's a bit boring at this point. I'm waiting for something to happen, the other shoe to drop, a new love interest (I also met a boy this summer that I thought might be perfect for me...turns out he doesn't like me!? Can you believe that? How dare he not be interested in moi!), a new something. But i'm being careful what I wish for, while the idea of something exciting is alluring, the reality is I'm enjoying the lack of complication in my life. Things are good, so I'm just going to be quiet and enjoy it.

I do have one plan up my sleeve...The Jetblue all you can travel pass!! I am soooo most likely going to do this. I just need to map out when and where. Currently I'm thinking: Vegas for weekend 1, for #2 DC, #3 maybe Chicago, and for the final trip maybe a three day wknd in Puerto Rico. My friends are suggesting that its too much, that I won't make it through the month...Ha! I aim to prove them wrong...I think. Perhaps. :)

So yeah that's my current life, folks. Missed ya'll!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Summer...

Because it didn't feel right going in the other post...

Summer is basically here. How do I know?

I've started my cocoa butter regimen to erase winter's bumps and bruises from my legs.

I've begun summer dress shopping and wearing in earnest.

The Honey party series at the standard rooftop starts this Saturday.

I've bought my hair and have an appointment to have my weave put in.

And I've been working out. Which always means that hot weather is coming.

Needless to say, its officially summer in the city. Yippee!

I have been uncharacteristically insecure about my weight lately. and i'm not sure how to knock it off. Typically i am comfortable in my own skin and years ago learned that I actually like my body, I like my big butt, my tree trunk thighs, ample bossom, and even my rolly-polly midsection (ok actually I loathe that part, but its mine so i'll take it). After a lifetime of needing the validation of other people (men) to believe that I was fine, some time ago I got over it, determined within myself that I was lovely with or without validation. Incidently that confidence somehow made me even more attractive (as difficult as a feat as that may be...how does one improve upon perfection-hehehe). But lately, i've been in doubt. A few unintentionally hurtful comments, some not even really hurtful until compunded by the rest, including one from the last person to see me naked and voila i'm back living in insecure city. Actually that's not true, i'm not living there, just staying in a crappy hotel there. it's a passing thing, I know it is. But still. When do I get all the way secure? I think Oprah said it happens in the 40s, maybe 50s.
I'll get my swag back. I ain't gone let these folks worry me, as my mom would say.

I've got big plans for this summer, possibly too big...June I want to go to Dallas to see Krys. July EMF with JAC. And then sometime between August and December I want to spend a week with my mom and a week lying on a beach in the caribean. Also I just started my new job in April :) I'm wondering if all my travels might not be a bit too ambitious.

Nonetheless I am hype for the upcoming months...

23,000...

My great uncle passed a couple weeks ago and the memorial service was finally on Saturday. He was 80 years old, married for 47 to his lovely Nadine who he fiercely protected and cared for.

I didn't find out until he passed that he was the reason that my mother married my step-father. Her husband, my father, had been running around with his "girlfriend" and other baby-momma and basically continuing his 3-5 year assault on my mother's emotional health. When she was presented with interest from my step-father. She called my great uncle Sonny, and cried about how she loved my dad, he was the one, why couldn't he just act right, blah, blah, blah. Sonny said, "you need to get over it. That man (his nephew) does not love you. You are two young to wait on him, since he may never ever act right. You have a man that wants to be with you, that wants to raise your children, and to be the spiritual head of your family, pull it together and let that man love you." She paraphrased but said that it was the most hurtful, direct, helpful and wise advice she had recieved throughout her whole ordeal with my dad. It worked and at least in part b/c of that conversation, my mother managed to get over my dad and wound up in a loving happy relationship.

The brother giving the talk at my Uncle's memorial brought up something that has since stuck with me. The average life span is about 23,000 days (63 years old). He compared it to having $23,000, how would you spend that money? Would you frivilously spend it, on the hot item of the moment, would you hoarde it all and save it for a rainy day? Or would you invest it and let your money make money? Relating it back to our lives do we spend our limited amount of time on frivilous pursuits? Are we simply allowing the time to pass us, or are we doing things now to ensure us an everlasting future? I think that resonated with me b/c 23,000 is such a relatively small number. I always tell myself that I have time to pull it together, but I'm already nearing the halfway point, I'm at 10,220!! What have I been doing with my days?

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

As promised...

Its the first day of April. My life has changed so much since last April....in some respects for the better in others for the worse, I guess I'm just breaking even, which isn't the worst thing.

I guess I wonder if I've progressed at all. Am I better then I was? Have I grown or developed, matured?

I think I've become more honest with myself. I'm better able to internally articulate my feelings to myself-clearly I've always known how I felt but I wasn't always honest about why. There were lots of, "I don't know why I do/say/act up like that", when really I did know I just couldn't bear to say it aloud. But is being able to honestly assess helpful or important without action?

Anyhow this wasn't intended to be an introspective post. There are actually some good things happening in my life. I got a new job!!! Yay. And I'm honestly scared of it which I'm looking forward to. It's actually going to be challenge. I will have to figure out things b/c they must be figured out and not b/c I have to pad or bill my hours. How novel is that. Its a risk, and a leap but in this legal market why not? There's not some other more wonderful option that I can think of. So I'm gonna step up and step out on a bit of faith that this will work. Its exciting.

I've been in this strange wanting/needing companionship space. I actually considered for a whole couple of minutes letting my law school ex take me on a weekend get-a-way. Why, you ask? B/c I wanna at least play boo'd up for a weekend, do some couply stuff, be pampered and hopefully get this desire out of my system. But then I snapped back to reality....I can't go nowhere wit that fool.

I've been on this total eating healthy/work out kick. I'm really proud of myself-exercising everyday is a totally new addition to my life. It's kinda nice. My body feels good. I plan to have a killer body by summer, or fall, or winter...basically however long it takes. I've even discovered how to exercise regularly and maintain my press!!! Its incredible I know. My hair is not dumb fly like it usually is, but its still fly and not as puffy as one would expect. Be prepared though, if I get my 21 year old body back, you won't be able to tell me nothing, nor will you likely be able to stand me. Sorry. I apologize in advance.

Seriously...

I am so overdue for a new post...like seriously.
And one will come, but jeez do I feel busy-stretched to the max. There is just too much to do and not enough hours in the day to do them. "This can't be life"-Jay-z just popped into my head.

JAC-I wish I did have a dude offering to take me on a trip, regardless of how long i've known him, right about now i'd probably go. :)

Anyway I just wanted to make sure that you all knew I was still alive and kicking, just trying to get a handle on this unweildy thing I call my life.

In due time, kimosabe, in due time.

AI-Top 9

What are we on now? 9 people? Paula now loves a tutu-or at least tutuish dress.

How boring for them to have to go visit Ryan at work..that seems lame.

Anoop-Two lines into the song and i'm dancing. The vocals are just ok. maybe a bit better then ok...this jacket is distractingly stupid. And he was making some pretty ugly faces at one point, for what reason i'm not sure. I love that when Kara mentions frat boys, they cut to anoop's friends=frat boys. lol. What do they want him to do, i'm confused? Vocals were good, but....what, what do they want him to do?

Murderer of the greats Megan-I could cry that she is singing this song...I'm staring at her trying to figure out how or at what point ppl thought she could sing. She can't sing. And i haven't heard a time that she actually sounded great...she should have never been on here, in the first place. There isn't a song that she has sung that fits her voice, b/c....get ready for it...SHE CAN'T SING.

Danny-This is a great song for him. I appreciate that he knows his strengths, he understands what songs he glows on. And as usual he sounded amazing. but i doubt that he changed it all, he probably sung it just like it is on the radio and elsewhere...and thats what irritates me. Kara is always talking about artistry, when the reality is, if you can sing any song you sing will sound like yours, it is about singing.

Allison-Why is she playing guitar? Loathing her hair..its bringing out rage in me its so bad. But the lovely opening to the song are you kidding, her vocals sound incredible. She went back to her regular for the chorus, but the opening was gorgeous. Randy is right she looks like a crazy person, but doesn't she always?

Blind Scott-he loves a slow relatively boring song/performance. This will not turn things around, b/c it will be boring. I can't figure out if i love or hate his hair...oooh just saw his face directly and nope I hate it. He looks like a strange 90's character, like kirk cameron's evil blind cousin from the Seaver household.

Matt-this pimple in the middle of his forehead...its really bothersome, can't someone do something about it? He wants so badly to do this mild rock, and the judges and the rest of us want him to do R&B, b/c he actually has the voice for it...this song he is singing, you don't have to be able to sing to sing it...they want him to sing singers songs, R&B you monkey. Why can't he figure that out? It was exactly like that Coldplay night! But its what he wants to do, for some strange reason.

Lil-I'm scared. I love the hair. I like this dress (except for all the backshots they kept giving us). She didn't sound terrible, she sounded pretty good. But i agree with simon that it was a song done to stay in the competition. That was cute for Ryan to be genuinely caring when he noticed that she was crying.

Adam-with play that funky music and his dance moves, and Eddie munster hairdo. This reminds me of a drag queen performance, i could totally see him dressed beautifully as a woman doing this performance. He relies a bit too heavily on that falsetto screaming yell note thingy. But that was fun. Is paula reading this critique? That was so scripted. But he could totally be a Munster, he just needs more of a widows peak.

Chris-I love this song, i hope he hasn't screwed it up...WOW. I am really impressed. That was really awesome. He is gonna have a big career. And in the end of the competition when its down to him and Adam, America will choose him b/c you can't get more American then Chris.

If Megan doesn't go home tomorrow....it will be a travesty of justice!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

AI-Top 13

Hey guys,

Top 13 finally perform….Kara did something with her front teeth since last we saw her. Her mouth looks strange. Paula has the entire remains of a bird she ran over on her shoulder…but her hair and that dress (sans the feathers) are cute. I would like to go on record that there are no black guys in the competition, I guess we get the presidency but can’t get American Idol…can’t win them all! And there aren’t any clearly obviously obnoxiously gay men??? Boo to this foolishness.

Ooooh Mike Jacko week, this could be really bad. I’m hype.

Oh lil, there is so much that I want to make over on her from that clip. I’m pretty sure I hate this outfit. Its very captain and tenile. And you know I support big butted women, heck I am one and I love mine, however, white pants ON TELEVISION with a badunk-a-dunk is not the best of ideas. Its already big and that color just makes it more clearly enormo…and the tapered leg, the one shoulder ruffle-ay dios mio. But yes she sang and performed quite well. But who didn’t expect that?

EHHHHHH this blind guy…I am so sick of him already. I think his parents might be related…two kids, blind, ummm either that or you live next to something radioactive. Does he hate glasses? Barbers? Its not that I think tha he can’t sing, its just that I don’t think he is all that great. It’s just ok…and there were a lot of other ppl that were better that should have been here. And who got him up from the piano? All this walking around being blind, he needs to be more careful. Is paula making up stuff again? Biggest selling song in Norway?? What? He’s wack!! Why are you just now noticing that? I love that simon lies to Paula its like telling a “slow” child that a monster will in fact eat them if they don’t eat their veggies.

Danny-pls don’t talk about the dead wife in this clip! PYT is one of my favorites…hmmmm he slowed it down? Oh he just did the beginning and then almost messed up! There were a couple unnecessary screams in there but for the most part he sounded great. The dancing shows he is into it, but its affecting his breathing…either work out or stop dancing so hard!

Mike-the oil rigger guy, I forgot that he was here…he can actually sing and he’s such a pretty/handsome guy, he looks like a model in the big and tall catalog, or JcPenny’s. However the way he is saying “yew r not alyune” the way he is saying the words is funny.

Jasmine-they made her weave longer…I wonder why. I’m glad they softened up her makeup she was looking too old, at least now she looks near to her age. But man this dress looks cheap, it is a recession, I wonder if its from the Alley?? Jess knows about that. Oh good her mama got new hair.

Chris-Good lord his child bride! She is like 11….This is a good song choice for him. It fits his voice and his little bit of style. Cute for him, and his likely mormon, fundamentalist behind. There were some ugly notes at the end, but overall it was pretty ok. Simon is right, the guitar was unnecessary.

Allison-they toned down her hair. Kudos to them. She is good, but I got bored, I didn’t realize till paula started talking that she was done…

ANOOP!! What did they do to his hair? I guess its not horrible…he’s still adorable. Anoop is a little cock eyed, but I still love him. I knew he would do beat it…but is it a singing song?? I liked it, it was fun. It’s not a singing song…his vocals are stronger then that.

Jorge-I love that he is Puerto Rican…this is like a jazzy quiet storm version of this song. I dig it. I liked it, I thought he was great. Kara and all this “feeling” shut up! Awww pobrecito, they did not love him tonight. Eesh.

I hate this Megan girl, she is so pointless other then to be a cute blonde with big boobs. Gosh her mom looks young. She looked better with browner hair. This is the dumbest performance ever. Rockin Robin? Its not even a real song, wasn’t this on a kids album or a commercial or something. Her voice has nothing special about it, when she actually just sings. Her audition was different b/c she choose an affected…did she just do a bird noise, are you kidding? WHAT SIGNATURE???????????? Why are they soft on her, she sang a song with nothing in it!! Nothing. Anoop and Jorge got yelled at and she gets…well here is Simon to be a real critic, I appreciate his honesty.

Adam- I forgot about him being in this compettion, he just did a mike jacko head tilt, I love it. I guess he counts as obviously gay. He’ll have to do. His breathing is a problem for me…he is always taking too many breathes between notes. And this song doesn’t require all the screaming that he is doing. This performance made me tense, like I had called someone black or white and he was putting me in my place. Sheesh. This braclet that paula is wearing with this giant, medallion…so basically the dead wife guy and him are in the finals? No one would even notice him if her were a blonde kid with a regular hair cut, his face is so all gay American, it’s the hair ONLY that gives him the edge.

Matt-he looks so much like his mom! His parents are divorced…I love this song too. Human nature, the melody is so lovely. I thought that was lovely. He did a great job. Sadly he doesn’t want to be Justin or Robin he wants to be Coldplay…which is dumb.

Alexis: this is a sexy look, but I like it for her. I have got to get one of these chain link necklaces…I needed one like 5 months ago! I also like her shoes….she is singing this song though, I liked it very much. I’m sure Adam wanted this song first. Oh but b/c they jacked up her phone number no one will vote for her.

Change to the show-I bet they will take the bottom 3 or so and pick which ones they think should go home…We’ll shall see.

Friday, March 06, 2009

AI: The Wildcard Show

Jessi-Ambitious song, she really is vamping it up these days…but in a mom sorta way. Like, what do those boots and that mini sweater have to do with that dress? Or with each other for that matter. It was just ok. All this swagger that Kara talks about, she’s an idiot.

Matt-he better come with something much better this time. His since of style is so contrived. He looks like he went to H&M saw this on a mannequin and bought all the pieces. None of them really fit him (simon agreed). These are some ugly notes that he is hitting in this middle/end part. And why choose a song with only like 25 words in it? But yeah this is a ton better then last week. I wasn’t as moved by it as the judges were. But I wouldn’t be mad if he were part of the 12.

Megan-I don’t recall being all that impressed with her the first time….Oh this is the dancing awkward girl, her stage presence is like a little girl or a kids performer on Disney or maybe Nick I mean she does have tattoos. But yeah she was a waste of space in this show. She’s just so not that interesting, and not that great of a singer, and lately Paula doesn’t comment on ppl’s singing, she comments all around it but doesn’t say much about ppls actual singing. I agree this was a good song for her, but I’m not sure that she can really sing, she’s always doing some silly song with an even sillier dance…sigh.

Von-Oh god not MORE honest real emtion…what is this voice he is singing in? He sounds like the littlest child molester. After the child molester voice ended I liked the end of it…yeah that song sounds like what he would sing on a woman’s answering machine just before he kidnaps, kills, and wears her skin.

Jasmine-I coulsdn’t figure out what is wrong with her face, and someone pointed out that she doesn’t have a forehead! And ding, ding that’s it…Awww I loved Mulan, all young girls on this show sing this song. She is singing the song well though, that is a cute little homecoming dress she has on. Good for her, I wouldn’t be mad if she made it in as well.

Ricky-True story, while he was talking I thought to myself he should sing Superstitious, I kid you not. 30 seconds later Ryan announces that he is singing Superstitious…excuse me while I go pray. Ok back to Ricky-I think maybe that I like this kid. He can sing but its not over the top theatrical, he’s just a good tight jeans wearing singer, which I like. How come no one this season can dance or dance on beat? All this talk of “self indulgence” I’m pretty sure they don’t know what it means.

Tatiana-I just want to gouge my eyes and ear drums out. These speeches of hers with the pained looks on her face, this one about “love” just makes me want to stab her. And she seems to be unaware that she has a bit of a gut, like a 3 months prego gut. I’m glad it doesn’t bother her, but it bothers me…so can she loosen up the clothes. That may be the best I’ve ever heard her sing though…the deep bow…the yelling…the talking while the judges talk…I thought she sang the song last time-she is an idiot…the kneeling…(but I do actually like the dress she is wearing, I’d be cute in it)

Anoop! Why is he singing the same song?????????? At least we’ve never seen him perform
Oh you are killing me! I loved it! I got up danced and like Paula, whoooo that took me back! Although my mother made me throw that tape away because it had the “D” word in it.  He was great, he is totally getting in the 12.

Jasmine is in…they love her too much not to…aww Ricky I like him…Megan and Tatiana it better be NEITHER-Megan boo, and here go the histrionics with Tati…Ha so my DVR (tivo) just cut off before the last decision….hmmm, I’ll look online. I can’t believe that dumb megan girl beat the dueling piano guy...I’m assuming Anoop made it…yep I checked the internet and sure enough Anoop and the piano guy made it. That’s cool. I’m for it.

I know I’m looking forward to hear what they all got next week! And was it just me or did it seem like the entire beginning process took like 6 months!

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

AI: Group 3-Top 36

Hey all,

Its finally the last group of the 36, and then some complicated means of choosing three others happens this or next week. Its all very confusing. But on to the show.

Oh Von…I would like you stop screaming at me, I’d also like you to stop looking at me with those creepy overly excited eyeballs. Aww he is wearing his good church suit, with a t-shirt and tennis shoes…yeah unforch for him, while that is a real style, that is the wrong sort of suit for it. Precious, he was trying to be fashionable. I feel like Emo baby is more then enough affected singing for this competition, if Von is going to be on it too we are going to be overwhelmed with oversinging, over performing musical theatre quasi-boys. Ladies, what have we learned here? Never put your sons into musical theatre! Did you see how he reacted to being compared to Clay…he was thinking, “NO, I’m not ready to come out of the closet yet!!!!!!!! How did they know?” Did Kara talk?

Taylor-the amazon…This is a super hard song to sing…I wouldn’t recommend it. And sure enough…it’s a bit rough in the beginning. When she gets to the hook its better. This outfit is kind of a hot mess. Just way too much going on with this look. Why is she crying? How would you find out what its like to go shopping with Taylor by her singing a song?? That doesn’t make sense. Well at least she is young and can come back. Sadly she is likely going home.

Hey its Awkward Boy-Alex! I love this kid, short reps, low weight-hilarious. Oh God the dancing!! Its so terrible. But endearing. He sounds good in an odd way for some notes, but great for other notes…Dropping the mic stand only makes me love him more. I think its funny that he wants to dance so hard for such a slow melancholy song…ha. His dad is equally as dorky…so did Paula like it or not? Well Simon certainly didn’t. Well….i guess he did kinda scream it…

Arianna-she is irritatingly cute to me for some reason. She looks like Disneyland, or like she should be in the Young Ppl Ask book. Lol. This is a pretty song, but it’s a song you sing when you are already in top 12…not when you are trying to get in..b/c who will ever remember/know this song? She can sing though. Interestingly she doesn’t look as pretty tonight, and that last note made me cringe. OOOhhh it’s the toothy grin that makes me hate her….ahhh now I see.

I fear Ju’Not is about to make me mad with his song choice. Awww I like this Hey there Deliliah…oooooo this is the Plain White Tee’s song? Who are they? I thought this was an old Beatles song…lol. Oops. This song is a bit slow, plain…it doesn’t really give him the opportunity to sing his full potential, but it was calming I guess. I like him. What is this story that he is telling about Cortizone? Oh for his asthma, yeah non LA ppl have a hard time with asthma when they first get here. That brown layer of air that lives over our city, apparently isn’t good for some ppl, who would have thought!?

Kristen-The two toned girl-yeah she looks much better, like much better. It’s a cute dress for brunch or something with her mother (I wrote that before Simon said it). Yeah her performance was karoke-esq, but it proves she can sing. She is just a strange girl…

Nathaniel!!!!! My gay bestfriend! So does he take the woman’s spot or the man’s if he makes it? Funny thing, I like this Meatloaf song, mostly because I remember the video playing on VH1 in the wee hours when I was growing up. He can really sing though! He’s picked up a few pounds since last we’ve seen him, he’s not fitting into his skinny jeans quite so well….is he pregnant? Obviously I love the dancing/hopping/thigh slapping…clearly he is magic! So b/c you don’t like to look at him, he’s a bad singer?? I don’t think so….Nate 4Ever. They are spending so much time talking to him! And his grandma wasn’t that into it..lol Ok that whole sitting on Paula’s lap, giving his head band to Simon and Ryan…I think they are trying to steal my best friend and I’m pretty sure that I don’t appreciate it! They don’t love him like I do.

Felicia Barton-Who?? Wow she looks better with bangs…you did not hope that they would call you back…that doesn’t happen…lies, to cover over the fact that some chick got kicked off. It’s like she got a stylist already, she looks fab. Oh that was an ugly note there in the chorus. Hmmmm, she is making some interesting adjustments to the song, not sure I’m loving it and I’m not sure that its actually helping her.

Scott-the blind guy that refuses to wear glasses or get a haircut. Sigh. What are the parameters for mocking blind ppl? And how soft do you expect the judges to be on him? I am expecting them to dust him with baby powder and then gently critique his bare bum with feathers. Why did he get up? Does he know where the end of the stage is? Oh Lord. Please don’t (do) let there be an accident. I can barely focus on his singing for all my imagining him (not) falling….He was pretty good, but I’m pretty sure they play that song on the smooth jazz station and therefore doc’s offices, and elevators around the world, but for the threat of him falling I would have gone to sleep. Let the soft peddle critique begin…”you are so amazing, you are blind and yet you continue to live! Amazing!”…You’ll remember him b/c HE IS BLIND!!! Not Talented just BLIND. That was the most awkward High-Five ever! They are treating him like he is retarded and not blind…wait, is he also retarded?

Kendall-Her dad’s alligator dance…I would pretend not to know him. This girl knows that she looks good in yellow and has some fab clothes. But everything about her reminds me of one of those sorority trust fund W&L girls that I used to loathe. Her mom’s reflective mirrored trench coat, ay dios mio…

Jorge-The eyebrows-I like him b/c he’s from Puerto Rico! And b/c he reminds me of a young Michael Jackson…for a second I thought he switched to Spanish in the middle of the song. He sings beautifully. But this song is just one big note after another…Simon I totally agree!!! He is Spanish, of course he should sing with his accent! It is so patronizing, and xenophobic, they are going to get some angry letters about this crap. If I was Spanish I’d be pissed…Ok the crying, and the emotional Spanish speaking…and they being like, “yes monkey talk to us in your funny little language”…so condescending…white ppl I tell you!  Good thing you Rudy’s have all these black children.

Lil Rounds-Yay the hair is all one color! Yay! Love this dress. That was great! That gal can sang!

I predict-Lil, The blind guy, and Nathaniel or Jorge…

We’ll see tomorrow.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

AI: Group 2-Top 36

Hey all,

Sorry I missed it last night, I was just too tired. But I'm on it tonight yo! Let's get it!

Jasmine-she is adorable, so much makeup though for such a young girl. She can sing though, this song is an ok choice for her, but I think its clear that she has a bigger voice then we are seeing. However I do want her to stop swinging that weave around. I think Simon has a point that she isn't quite ready...she is only like 13! All this commercial talk is irritating...

Matt G.-The dueling piano guy i liked him in the beginning. I hope he does well...He loves vests. This is the whitest song imaginable, and its so fast...good lord. can he slow it down? And what is this song even about, i heard Jerusalem, st peter...what??? This is so bad. This song totally screwed him. It was too fast and didn't allow him to even really sing...it was horrible. If this were the first time i'd seen him I would be like how did he get here?? He wants to do pop/rock?? why? His voice is soulful...maybe he is in the klan and his family thinks soul music is the devil's music. He is from some nowhere place in Missouri-where ever that is...

Jeanine-DC Bartender, who i think that I might hate...It's the lacefront wig, the booty shorts, the injected fish lips, and the fact that she just did the AKA hand gesture on American idol for no apparent reason, other then to get votes. She can sing, but that is not a singers song...now she looks irritated about all the talk about the legs...ummmm you have on shorts up to your whoo-ha of course they are going to talk about your legs. Be glad that aren't talking about that horrible wig.
And why is Ryan so awkward today? why is talking to the ppl after so painful?

Nick/Norman-Still with the jokes...(the receptionist for my floor had on a purple headband like that yesterday-it was the gayest funniest thing ever). Wait...he sounds terrible. it's funny, in a sort of laugh at a retarded persons jokes kind of way. But the singing was bad. The problem is that b/c Simon hates him ppl will vote for him, but he should not be taking up a real spot on the show...YAY Paula is drinking again, she doesn't know who is talking to her, she is confused. I love it. Ryan on the other hand...is making these little post performance convos uncomfortable!

Allison-hmmm she only has braces on the bottom. Is she high? Why can't she converse normally like a person. She is so awkward...She is so strange. She can sing her behind off though...wow. This pinky ring is distractingly dumb, but then again she is 16, its probably from her favorite store-Spencer's in the mall. See she disproves the whole commercial bull crap, she is a Vato's (for those not from CA, that is what the Mexican gang members are called) daughter, she is soooooo hood, but she can sing like nobody's business and that's all that matters for this. I hope this little ghetto girl wins the whole thing just to prove the point!

Ok this kid is so boring I didn't even catch his name, nor was I motivated to rewind to find it...lol. Ahh Kris Allen. He sings like he had a stroke...a little paralysis on that one side. He LOOKS like apple pie...I don't think this song was completely wrong, he did it up at the end, but he's still really boring, the first half wasn't as good as the second. America's little girls are going to love him...but he looks sickly when he rubbed his stomach like that the first thing that came to mind was "I wonder if he has a colostomy bag?" Poor sick boy.

Megan-tattoo sleeve. I remember liking her voice. She is probably going to sing something dumb. Ok, don't dance if you don't have rhythm....white stockings really? is she a nurse in the 1950's during her off time? This sad, sad dance is the worst. This song is not demonstrating that she can actually sing, that's too bad. Oh its so bad the movements, the arms, the notes...jeez. Stop moving re-re. Even while Paula is talking...and did Paula just do "I heart u" with hand signals...that definitely means alcohol is in that cup! lol Also what is Ryan wearing?? he looks like he should be parking my car, or bowling...This is a strange (terrible) show tonight...

Matt-the welder from Oklahoma...he informs us that he doesn't "usually get starstruck"...ummm are there a lot of celebrities hanging out on construction sites in Bixby, OK? What were these other opportunities you've had to hone your not getting startstruck skills, since you know "usually" you can hold it together? Numbnut. This is an excellent song choice for him...finally someone who knows their range/abilities...also i remember loving this song. He is not a performer, he is a welder. yes he's boring. everything about him is boring. Really, he showed so much promise? When? I never expected him to do anything other then what he did. If he had danced that would have been strange. Also he is sweating like a stuck pig. get him a napkin or something.

Jessi-(jeez this show feels long) 8 yr old kid-wow that is an old kid for such a young woman. Bette Davis eyes? Never heard it. I think this chick can sing though, she might be anorexic though. Also, this is a boring song. With these last two performances I feel like I'm in a doctors office or waiting room of some sort. There was no impact with that song. She looks like a mom going to the mall, definitely better then the drug addict look she had before...she talks too much though. I, per usual, agree with Simon, there was nothing about that that I will recall later, and really no one that I run to the phone and vote for. (let's pretend I watched this the day of and actually have the option to call in :)

(Three more!!!???? Good lord)

Kai-with the hat he has a great/handsome face...but that hair is the absolute worst! I feel like I am on a cruise. He can sing, but something is off/missing. I don't know. He needs a makeover for sure. His sick momma sure is getting her groove on....umhmmm. Ok i take it back, he is goofy looking!
So this is an example of why I hate this 12x12x12 version of the show. Who they pick to be in which group of 12 controls who moves on...putting Danny (dead wife guy) and Anoop (indian boy that loves blk music) in the same group of 12 killed Anoop's chances, whereas there isn't a guy yet that I think ppl will really vote for, so Anoop would have definitely won this group. Its still not completely fair...dag blasted American Idol.

Mishovanna-She is so cute! Wow she is flat chested, like concave almost. Ok i got tricked again, she isn't really cute, its those darn pictures...I have to get that photographer to shoot me! Oh yeah she sounded great, i liked the outfit, it was cute for her. She also should lighten her hair, and NEVER do that deep voice again, b/c now not only do i think she is crazy I also thing she may be a hermaphrodite...

Finally the end...

Adam Lambert-Emo theatre baby: His skin is so bad...all that makeup he wears. Satisfaction?? really. His shoulder pads are hilarious...is that a shark skin shiny suit? All that genital touching, and the plethora of necklaces....he is a drug and alcohol problem waiting to happen and I am excited. He LOVES some pants in his boots...that is so funny to me. Oh yeah and he sang great. His hair made me weep a little bit though.

Alright let's see who won...

Ok why is the old black girl ( i don't recall her name) looking like Daisy Duke? Really shorts with suspenders, and an entire tube of lipstick? If she just wants to do adult film she is working too hard.
Interestingly this group number isn't horrible, their voices actually kind of sound all good together. that might be a testament to Ne-yo's writing, or they may be vocally well matched.
I hate this talking part...so pointless.
Ok so the ghetto Mexican girl is in...that was good. Someone should tell her however that the dress/skirt she is wearing is not flattering to her at all...
Wow this guy won...still don't know his name...oh Kris. everything about him is dull to me...perhaps he'll get interesting later on. If that dueling piano guy hadn't picked that stupid coldplay song this could have been him.
Brooke White performed...still america's syrupy sweetheart. *eye roll*
And Adam Lambert-Emo theatre baby is the third winner, and his jeans couldn't be tighter, nor could he be more pretend hard rock guy, when he and his husband adopt their first Malaysian baby he is totally gonna look back on this tape and laugh and laugh at this phase in his life.

Alright next week I should be on schedule, see you then!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Group 1 of the top 36

Yay its finally the performance shows!! Took long enough. And Kara is still useless, and Paula doesn’t seem drunk (sadness-I miss the good old days). Ryan’s hair is darker he looks less gay. Oh wow only three of these ppl will make it to the top 12 huh…interesting.

Jackie Tohn-Rocker chick-The first part was great, then the “3, 4” and she started screaming/talk singing…which wasn’t the hotness. But I do love that she has on Nikes. This wasn’t a good vocal performance at all. That supremely ugly note at the end…ewww. She looked cute though. But if that’s the performance that we are to judge her on…she’s going home. Right? The public isn’t going to remember that performance, the vocals weren’t memorable, yeah she jumped around…and then the talking to her after…kinda made me hate her a little. Actually I’m not going to lie it was the smiley face ring she had on when she held up her finger to indicate she was contestant 1-the smiley face rubbed me wrong. Send her home.

Ricky Braddy-had we ever seen him before? A song for you may have been written by Leon Russell but it was made famous by Donnie Hathaway and since his daughter is one of the background singers on American Idol-give credit chicken finger boy. He can sing though, although I am not loving what he is doing with the song, its like the Michael Bolton version of this soulful song. He’s an odd looking boy (why is Kara talking so close to the mic…sit back crazy!) from some angles he looks young, but from others he looks old. I agree about lack of star quality…why do they make the contestants run upstairs to get to the interview with their families? And then expect them to talk after singing and then running upstairs. Oh AI, still so silly I see.

Alexis Grace-this hair is dumb, and her look is contrived. Its like she is singing off beat at times…Also, I need to get a photographer, b/c these only marginally attractive girls look great in these photos! That deep throaty note was horrible in that it wasn’t deep or throaty at all. This performance was wack to me. She didn’t sound great, I still hate her hair, and this outfit. Really they all loved it? I didn’t. I think its partly b/c she doesn’t have the chops to sing Aretha, Kelly Clarkson did, this chick not so much. Her crazy looking daddy…scary!

Brent Keith-His dimple is cute. Apparently I need to move to the Midwest b/c all these cute guys marry these unattractive women there, I would be the most beautiful black girl they had ever seen :)! Brent is cute, but I’m not a big country fan, so I’m already ready for this song to be over. I don’t think the song did anything to show his voice off. I concur with Simon, he blew it. I’ve already forgotten it. He is totally going to get popular and leave her…UPGRADE!

Stevie Wright-She’s so shiney! And she has a HUGE face! OMG this is horrible. Why sing a song by someone who can’t sing?? This is horribly pitchy and just horrible. I hope they don’t interview her with her family. Yeah that low range was God awful. I thought I recall her singing better then that, but I’m not sure. Oh her poor parents. She is totally going to cry. All this hugging everyone, before they get to the couch…I’m so impressed with her for not crying!

ANOOP!!! The great love of my life. I love his intimate knowledge of urban R&B, not that cross over stuff, the stuff that ONLY plays on black radio, I love that he knows it. Angel of Mine, I haven’t heard that in a minute. He was GREAT! Ok standing ovation, that’s my boy! I think I’m going to have to vote for him, just in case. Oooh his mom, with her short hair…look at her all liberal, and modern.

Casey Carelson-her facial expressions during the song…are a hot mess. I think the problem is that she looks like she is a 7yr old dressed up in mommies clothes, singing mommies songs, doing this horrible knee drop, and snarl lip…then she is touching herself…ok this little girl needs a whoppin’. That was bad. Her voice is not nearly strong enough for that song. But her eye makeup is pretty. I loathe “package artists”. Glad she had fun, now she can go home.

Michael Sarver-Oil rigger guy. I love the song he is singing, I loved it when Eliot Yamin did it. Not sure his voice is right for it….the second half was better then the first. The music was too loud for him I think. I felt like I could barely hear him sometimes. I think he could do better. (Paula’s weave was on point tonight!) His wife is cuter then I expected, fab little hair cut and all.

Ann Marie Boskovich-She is not at all able to pull this song off. What is with the squatting? It looks like they have to go to the bathroom, its not cute in any way. She is not as bad at this song as I expected, and she’s cute, with a cute little body so she may actually get voted through. She doesn’t have the chops to sing Aretha!!! When will ppl learn! That was quite the comeback” So sing songs that aren’t as good?” dead pan delivery, I would have respected her more if she admitted that it was a quip, rather then punking out! Why is Kara anyone’s hero?? She’s an idiot.

Stephen Fowler-I had really hoped that he would cut his hair. Rock with you! I love this song. It rained here tonight and so my stupid satellite had some troubles during the middle of the song, he sounds a bit flat/bad on some notes….hmmmm I had high hopes for him…this may not have been what he needed. His voice is better then that song. Dah well. Another one bites the dust.

Tatiana is surprisingly subdued. Why is she crying in the interview? Still hate her. This is going to be bad (fingers crossed) maybe she’ll fall?! She loves to sing Whitney, why? She is such a hard person to sing. Did Tati gain some weight? I’m sad that she isn’t doing a terrible job. But ppl can’t possibly vote for her, simply b/c of that last neck roll thing that she did. I think she toned it down, b/c she read on the internet that ppl hate her, she even calmed down her stupid laugh. Its like she took her meds today, or that she had a lobotomy. So she saw herself on the show and must have hated herself. Ahhhh and just there at the end with the comment directly to America to keep her dream alive, there was the real Tatiana.

Danny Gokey-his hair without product is a mess! I hate when ppl sing songs to teach ppl a lesson, or show America that they can do it to…shut up. I didn’t ask you to show me anything. He is hitting odd/off notes as well. The pitch he is singing in is strange. He picked it up in the second half though. It ended up being pretty great, Paula is clapping like a dolphin, Kara is screaming into a mic that she is still too close to. “Sold-out Arenas” is two words in what world? Aww his best friend is there looking sad…sigh. Oh shut up about rising above. Booo to that nonsense, tell ppl to man up and deal with it. What is the song for that? Is there a stop whining song? Sing songs you like, or that make you sound good and call it a day.


So what will they do tomorrow?

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Music Notes...

Is it bad that I like the new Ludicris song ft. Plies (I loathe plies, really and truly I do) because despite its rote subject matter-she hot freak nasty and can't get enough of me despite the fact that I am also putting it down on several other chicks at the same time cause I'm so prolific and energetic and a man-at least some of the women are professional, a doctor and a lawyer. I can't remember the last time a professional woman is shouted out in a rap song as a good thing...wait is there a Jay-Z song? Well either way I semi appreciated the song. Don't judge me.

This Stanky Legg business...makes me sad to be black and/or a doer of video dances (for you Mia :). I feel like the creators of this dance should be younger. Like a lot younger. These seem like actual physical adults that have created a dance that is called the Stanky Legg and includes the lyrics "Do the booty do". And they say we need more musical education in schools. Pfsh.

Why is Plies ALWAYS corrupting classics!? Who signs off on this? Babyface, The Deele, have you heard this crap with Ashanti and Plies? Shameful, just shameful. Clearly someone needs better lawyers.

I've been meaning to be bitter about this "My President is Black" nonsense. It's like a horrible, R-rated, grammatically incorrect Sesame Street song to help kids learn colors-"My president is black, my Lambo is blue and I be got dam*ed if my rims ain't to, my money is light green and my Jordans is red." Any other colors you can name Jeezy? What color is the sky? The sun? What about snow? Do you know your numbers? Perhaps your next song can include a section counting things. This classic piece of american music also includes the innovative, spiritual and deeply reverential line "Tell my nephews and nieces I will email Jesus, tell him to forward to Moses and CC Allah." He clearly needs our prayers, and our used speak and spells.

I skipped the rest of that mess.

My sister happened upon some really cheap tickets to see Babyface last night. Yes, Valentine's night. Babyface concert. On Valentine's. Babyface was surprisingly energetic. I was expecting him to sit behind a piano, maybe a stool with a guitar. Turns out he likes to move around the stage, interact with the band etc. I've never thought that Babyface had the best voice, it's a decent voice, but he writes his songs to his strengths-which is also what I say about Ne-yo who in 20 years will be Babyface. When he ran through a melody of all the songs he's written and produced for ppl I realized that any song that I've liked in the last 20 years has been written by Babyface. The man is amazing. And he wasn't to schmaltzy due to it being Valentine's which I really appreciated. He shouted out love and couples a couple times but for the most part he kept it light which was nice.

I also went to my girl's party this weekend. It was big fun, and apparently I was a hot commodity (check me out on facebook yo!) holla! Despite there being nothing new to look at it was a fun time with all my girls and thier girls...we all got dressed together, had some pre-party cocktails. Sometimes I forget what its like to have a whole group of girls. I keep my circle pretty small not necessarily on purpose it just happens that way...actually it's a little on purpose since lots of women=lots of drama. Nevertheless I had a great time with a crowd of about 10 girls, with little to no drama.

Hope all is well with you all!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Heavy...

My grandfather has dementia.

He was diagnosed probably about 4 years ago but for the 5 years prior to that he was fading slowly and most of us didn't know it. My grandfather is and always has been anti anything that constrains or crimps his style. My dad says that he has "wanderlust". I think that's an absolutely accurate description, it also describes several of his grandkids.

My grandfather has been married maybe about 6 times, no one really knows for sure, he has carried on simultaneous families in separate cities, has an unknown amount of children and didn't really have a real role in raising any of them.

I grew up seeing him about once a month for about 20 mins to an hour typically at his hangout spot, a donut shop in south LA. We would pull up to the place, my dad would leave me in the car to go figure out where my grandfather was, just in case he was somewhere "indisposed" with a lady friend. He'd collect himself come grab me, buy me a donut, he and my dad would chat about nothing, he'd take our picture-careful to reach into the pocket containing the camera and not the one with the gun, and we'd leave. On holidays/special occasions we'd make a brief stop at his actual house that he and his 6th(?) and final wife shared.

That's the grandpa I've always known, skirt chasing, picture taking, gun toting, trash talking grandpa.

I know that while he had the family with my granny, he also managed to sire an additional family in Vegas with children of similar ages to my dad and aunt. I know that after going back and forth for some time, he finally left my granny (or more clearly was told not to come back by my granny) to be with some other woman here in LA. He drove a Harley well into his 70's, took an annual road trip back to Texas usually with whatever girlfriend he had at the time. He was one of the nicest, happiest, most jovial/easy going men I've ever known. He was charming, clearly.

Now he's coming up on 86 and he is a mere shell of the man I knew.

My dad is his only child, of only God knows how many, that has made any effort to care for him in his old age. I'm proud of him for doing that. It's arguable that he doesn't have to, his father was never there for him, his father never made an effort to reach out to him, without his own efforts he wouldn't even know where my grandfather was living. But when my grandfather started believing that $100 were $1 bills, and thought that peanut butter could take the place of his diabetes meds, my dad stepped in. Shouldering all the costs, filling out all the paperwork, figuring out all the legal, talking to doctors, and making frequent visits. It's been touching to say the least.

To help him with some of the leg work of my grandfathers care I've immersed myself in elder care issues in the past two days. We're trying to find a new facility, that doesn't feel like death's waiting room. It's been quite the process. I now know all sorts of things about wound care, the various stages of dementia, veterans benefits, state benefits, state employee benefits, and the differences between nursing homes, assisted living, and secured facilities. It's complicated. Confusing. Maddening.

But then today I learned that my grandfather was in WWII. I never knew that. How is it that I've never known that he was in Germany playing a role in such an important part of world history? There is so much to learn about this man that I barely know. And perhaps getting a glimpse into the life of this wandering man is what has motivated my dad to be present. It certainly has inspired me. I'm just sad that it's so late in the game and that I likely won't ever have an opportunity hear it from his own lips.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

My Current Events...

In an effort to keep my blog from becoming an American Idol fansite, I figured I'd better write about somethings happening in my real life.

In the last two days I've had McDonald's and a Cinnabon. Which for those not in the know means I'm not feeling my usual chipper self. Basically when I get depressed I eat, and my go tos are mickey d's french fries and sweets. Sadly for my metabolism, these are also my old standbys for when I'm happy. So you got it...when I'm happy I eat poorly, when I'm sad I eat poorly. It's a sick sad cycle...am I the only one that used to watch Daria on MTV?

I'm coming out of my emotional rainstorm, and into a glorious new dawn. Ok that may be overstating it a bit, basically I'm increasingly less miserable then I was the day before. But that's still pretty good.

Over the weekend I saw "He's just not that into you", it was funny in parts. A little too cliched hollywood in the end, but ending a movie with "No seriously, he really is just not into you, in fact he may hate you deep down, he thinks you should die or move far away." could be a little too harsh. The main character is this chick that behaves as if she were 13 years old waiting, hoping, praying to be asked to the big dance by the handsome captain of the football team. She is so, in love with love, and boy crazy, and neurotic. I mean, there were parts of her neurosis that were familiar to me, either in myself or other women that I know, but for the most part she was so nuts! I guess it was just a lack of cynicism, she didn't immediately believe the worst about men. So weired...She hoped, and believed, forced herself to interpret all the minutiae of the men in her life into a positive despite all evidence to the contrary. Blind faith, I'd guess you call it.

My DC J believes all men are gay until proven innocent. My MD (formerly NY) JAC is a believer, a hoper, but even she has her limits. I am a cynic, I believe all men are fun/relatively honest for the initial meeting, and thereafter purport to be whatever it is they gather that you want in a man, in order to get you comfortable enough to let them hit. I'm sure there are some men that exist that don't fit into my cynical mold, but I don't know them.

Basically the movie cemented all my rationale for hating to date, and my fear that should I successfully date and marry he will inevitably behave inappropriately with some younger, perkier chippy. It reminded me why I was single, and likely will be.

In other current events news:

Why for the past two nights have I watched some long drawn out car chase through LA? When was the last time someone successfully evaded police in a car chase? Last nights chase was initially suspected to be Chris Brown, and then later DJ Khaled, interestingly the driver did in fact look like Khaled. But it wasn't him, and this guy wasn't kidding, he did end up killing himself. This economic downturn (not necessarily that this guy was suffering from it, he was being chased in his lovely white Bentley) has resulted in quite a desperate community. So desperate as to kill themselves and their loved ones. I always wonder what would have to happen in my life to make me consider ending it? I know the triggers for such behavior vary by individual, but I can't even think of what the circumstances would have to be to make me no longer value my life. I really, really like living, like a lot. It's too bad that others face obstacles that they aren't able or willing to hope, believe, have faith, or simply survive/exist through.

Rihanna and Chris Brown...so sad. Due to a scrape that my little brother (also age 19 at the time) got into over summer, I'd like to wait to hear all sides to the story before demonizing Mr. Brown. However should the reports that she was all bruised, and bitten (WTH??) up turn out to be true...it ain't looking good for C. Beezy.

Finally,let me just take a moment to emphasize how amazing my Lakers are doing. Best record in the league, killed the Cavilers win streak at home, with Kobe only marginally healthy. I'll admit I don't get intent on watching games until after the Superbowl. I am a year round fan of the Lakers, but after the Superbowl I'm all in! And this is going to be our year, I won't be broken hearted like last year, this year we got this!

Friday, February 06, 2009

AI Recap

I'm watching the show a bit late (too much good stuff comes on on Wed. and I was out late, so some tough viewing decisions had to be made).

This is going to be a cry heavy episode...I'm weary already.

Tatiana....She is a piece of work. The fake crying, the horrible blush, she is just a mess. The overblown sense of paranoia "they are throwing me under the bus", umm you've been rehearsing for like 5 minutes calm yourself down! How her group dealt with that nonsense, is amazing.

The ghetto blk girl is named after the classy and regal Nancy Wilson. I feel for Nancy. And her group mate the blonde chick, who told her she's been nothing but drama...ummm what about her didn't indicate to you that she might be a bit dramatic? The single color, beige, stretch pants, jacket combo-resulting in a cafe con leche looking cat suit, with the fire engine red wig with uniform curls in two layers sitting about an inch and a half off of her head didn't scream (or whisper) to you that his chick might have a flare for the dramatics? Then the other boy in the group with the headband, what he is walking around crying about? Sadly, the ghetto chick does have a point-all this "I need to rest" and we're not done practicing...figuring out choreography, timing, etc, doesn't require you to sing, just get your butt up and work like the rest of the ppl.

That dumb bikini girl! She did all that to get on the show, and now quits b/c she wants to sleep in. These ppl. But then she does show up...if I was her group she would be singing by herself. Oh I can't wait for her lazy behind to get kicked out.

Wow, they are really cracking down on the forgetting of words. At least they threatened to do so, but really didn't after all.

White Chocolate: Why are they rapping, b-boxing? the girl-rapping but no singing, is she serious? SHE DIDN'T SING!!

Action Squad (eliminate them for the name alone): Wow this is bad...who picked this song? this is like a bad highschool performance. The blk guy might kill someone, namely paula. "evil in her eyes"-are you kidding? Oh you're not. Ok well then security!

WOW, the best friends group was awesome. They made Paula clap like a dolphin, so you know it was good. Those two boys are the business.

This white boy with the black hair and the blush, just took me to church with that "Some kind of wonderful", and his jeans tucked into his boots.

The Divas: This shoeless hippie chick, first off-that is nasty. Those girls were too nice to bikini girl...The one that stayed was the only talented one.

Tatiana's team: Yuck. I hate it when loathsome ppl are successful in anyway and/or continue to breath or exist.

Ghetto Bird's Team: This is going to be a hot mess. I love this boy, he is so queer the dancing sealed it for me. The blonde did out sing the bird, though. But they better watch that pistol in her purse, and/or razor under her tongue. The most hilarious part of this episode was when the blonde tried to approach the bird, and with approximately three words scared blondy so badly that she stopped all forward progress, and did all she could to retreat short of running away for her life. I laughed out loud for a full minute. While I am being hard on the black girl, were she a nice person, I'd have more empathy, she was just so negative and rabble rousing from the beginning that it was hard to root for her. Dah well.

Down to 75ppl. I was just about to complain that I didn't see my boyfriend Anoop, and then there at the end, there he was for next week. My heart skipped at him singing the Bobby Brown classic "My perogative"! :)

Until next week.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

American Idol

Some of you may not know this, but I am a bit obsessed with American Idol. Not like I purchase the winners music, or vote weekly (I only vote in the finale if I care about the result), or anything like that. I just don't miss an episode, I love the competition of it all, and the feeling of "I could've sung that", to me it's just a good time. When I lived in Virginia my surrogate family and I used to get together weekly to watch the show. Now that I'm back on my beloved coast I wanted to rekindle that feeling of watching it together with my old fam so I started typing up my thoughts on the show as each contestant performed. Now not only does the fam read my ramblings, but thier co-workers, bosses, friends etc, all get a forwarded copy. The couple times that I missed last year-did not go over well. So anyway I thought I would post up my thoughts here as well, in case any of you are also AI watchers, or have ever wondered what watching TV with me is like.

It’s finally here-Hollywood Week!! Yay!

Only 147 ppl out of 100,000…wow.

Idol bootcamp, Barry Manilow (why is he always so available? Does he never have anything to do? Does he need money? And he stole Oprah’s line: “Luck is when the preparation meets opportunity”)

This 8 in a row, pass the mic down business is brutal. One shot and if it’s no good you go home…eesh.

Lil-why sing Witney? Just why? As Simon always says you’ll never be as good, so what’s the point? But she was good and adorable.

Dennis-aka-scary eye/teeth kid. Yes his face said possessed, and voice wasn’t hot. Ok and the mocking Simon when you get cut-really? Is that still the hotness for season 8? He is rich and you are a nobody…calm yourself down little boy. Aside for which you have far more pressing concerns like that grill of yours.

Nathaniel-pierced kid-Didn’t he sing some random song at auditions as well? And does he have on a headband? He does. He sounded great, but the continued crying makes me want him cut.

Anoop, the Indian boy!!! I love him! He is my fav!

Jasmine-cute girl, sounded lovely. But some what forgettable.

Rose-“Hi guys, its me Rose.” She is on something…or is she prego? She didn’t realize that other ppl would be able to sing…b/c she’s never seen this show, or?? Her awkward movements crack me up. She is folksy, but I fear that might be her only trick.

Stephen-black guy with fro-sang one of my favorite songs, Stevie’s “Where were you when you I needed you, like right now” Ooooh I love it.

Jorge-the eyebrows guy from Puerto Rico…did you see those things, they grew into his sideburns. (and why did Kara call him George? His name is JORGE, get it right!)

Von-Wow there sprite, that was A LOT.

Nick-Norman, the gay comic/singer/irritator/nasal singer…the sad thing is that he took someone’s spot to come act silly. AND that he can kinda sorta sing in a way, if he just sang without all the sillyness. But man he is not easy on the eyes.

Oh, the blind guy made it. I’m glad they didn’t spend forever on him. They are too heavy handed with the sob stories.

The mini Ford commercial in the middle of this episode….Forreal?! Ford we know you need to move some cars, we are bailing you out and all, but wasn’t there a more economical/environmentally friendly way of getting almost 75 ppl through LA, then 3 at a time in your stupid trucks? This is the kind of wasteful indulgence that required your bailing out in the first place. Sheesh.

Jackie-The rocker chick from LA…all the drama/Janis Joplin mimicry…could you just sing please.

Jamar-the pierced cheek boy with the best friend-I thought he was great. I’m wondering if he could have incorporated any more patterns or prints into his outfit though…maybe some cow print, or giraffe skin would’ve been hot.

Danny-the widower-also sounded great. And I love his glasses.

OMG this dag blasted bikini girl, not again. Eww and she is from my old hood…actually that’s about right. (I hate Kara’s hair today, and what is with Paula’s ruffles?) She did start off well, but it didn’t end well…and still she got through. Has it been long enough to establish that I loathe her?

Oil rig guy-He is a big boy, I like it. He sounded good. Big corn fed, works with his hands white boy that sings…lucky wife! (as long as she has a good insurance plan on him…his job is dangerous.)

Jesus (not Christ, but the Spanish guy with kids) -he’s ok. Not bad, but nothing too exciting. I can see why he got cut.

I’m bothered by this Osmond kid-he’s an Osmond, why does he need this show?

Emily-she was dumb. You practice a song, and then make a game time decision to switch to a NO DOUBT song? Gwen Stefani can’t really sing, she can scream, but that’s about it…she got lucky to get through.

Wow they only cut 43 ppl in that round. They need to get to cutting a little harder, starting with the ghetto black girl with the bad wig that they keep advertising…I have a feeling she is going to make me sad to be black, and/or a wearer of wigs.

I might write about tomorrow’s show just because I love group day!

Monday, February 02, 2009

Frequency...

I'm trying to do better about blogging. I've been neglectful, for no real reason.

But I don't have an overarching theme today. More randomness about my life. You love it, admit it.

No response from failed paramour. Technology is a gift and a curse. I know he read it because I saw him logged into G-Chat today several times. Which means he checked his email, at the very least saw my email and chose to not read it, or even worse read it and not respond-which is the more likely scenario. Who gets an email with the subject, "Why I Don't Call" and opts not to read it? No one. Especially not him. Of course I want feedback! I want a discussion, some acknowledgment of my feelings after having committed them to (paper?) gmail. Instead I got nothing, and won't likely get anything, which is one of the subjects of irritation in the email. Also, why can't I just make him go away? I always think getting my feelings off my chest will provide me some relief, and it does, right after I send it I feel so much better, lighter, relieved, unburdened. And that lasts for all of a couple hours. Then the pondering of if/when/how it will be received, whether it will get a response and when. It just goes on and on, until that curiosity is satisfied by me likely picking up the phone and calling to investigate-or so history says. I guess it could be worse, back in the day ppl sent telegrams, hoped it got there, and had to wait weeks for the delivery and any possible response. I guess that's worse. Although I think the need for instant gratification is a modern development, and let me tell you, I got it bad.

I went and hung out with my whites the other night, a couple of them smoke, and some others decided to have a cigar since it was superbowl sunday...my hair reeks! It smells so bad that I wanted to wash it when I got home but it was too late and too cold to go to bed with a wet head. But I am going to have to change my bedding as well, since I think the smell permeated my pillow cases. You know its bad if I'm willing to walk around with a bun in my head-willingly. This is precisely why I avoid smokers everywhere I go, not to mention I'm pretty sure that I got second-hand smoke cancer last night.

Can anyone explain to me what a urinal cake is? I guess I could just look it up online...Ok so it is what I thought: Urinal deodorizer blocks, also often called Urinal cakes, are the small disinfectant blocks found in urinals. But in this show that I watched tonight the guy lamented that b/c the urinal cake was missing he splashed all over himself. So then I thought perhaps its some sort of anti-splash mechanism contained in urinals...still the secret life of men's bathrooms...all the peeing together, all the rules about which urinal to take if there is another man in there, when its appropriate to take the stall in lieu of the urinal, all of the looking without looking...its fascinating really. Oh, is it fascinating only to me, and kind of gross and appropriately not a topic of conversation to other ppl? Hmmm. Perhaps.

Alright that's all I have for you tonight-stinky hair, love letters on def ears, and urinal cakes! You're Welcome!

Saturday, January 31, 2009

...Spectrum...

Old black men love me.

I can say that definitively. Not in a conceited way. But as a simple matter of fact.

Also I may be more attractive then usual in Ralph's grocery stores. Their lighting works for me. That's not quite tested yet so I won't assert it as fact.

My last two times at Ralphs an older black man made an effort to get in line behind me, and then proceeded to tell me that I was "breath-taking" or "incredibly blessed by God". Odell who paid the first compliment followed it up telling me how much he would like to rest his head on my breasts. The second gentleman was much more modest and told me that if he were a younger man he wouldn't even let me out of the store.

I gotta say, I'm not mad at the attention. It’s nice to hear a man be upfront with his. And what woman doesn't like compliments? I might mess around and get me an old black man, get me some AARP benefits. Don't hate.

Being with said old black man will give me the opportunity to pursue my dreams. What are those you ask? I think maybe I just figured it out-I want to be a travel writer OR I want to be director of human resources or attorney recruiting at a large law firm. Or both/all three. I still have this notion (monkey on my back) about professional prestige or somesuch. I have this need for a title or corporate affirmation. While I think being a travel writer, or in the travel field, full time would be incredible, its not a professional title like lawyer or director of something or other, to me it doesn't connote the same level of achievement. If I'm not actually practicing law I feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life saying phrases like "Well I'm a lawyer but currently I work as a fry cook at Burger King". I wonder why? Why do I need that title so bad? Even though up until now it is gratifying in title only and not at all in practice. A-type, overachieving, petrified of self perceived failure, stuck in false hierarchy corporate america personality type. Yep, that's me.

I wrote quite possibly the longest email of my lifetime today. It's to a failed(?) paramour. It's subject was "Why I don't call.", and I signed out with "Adoration", as you can imagine everything in between was from one end of the spectrum to the other and back again.

I spent about two hours or so sitting outside my local coffee bean today, reading my book, talking on the phone etc. A guy friend called just as I was headed there and asked if I was meeting a date at the coffee shop. I told him no, that I was going solo, and he advised that I not turn into one of those perpetually single but awesome girls, because he was going to be a perpetually single playboy and he was going to be looking for women like me. So to protect myself from him and his ilk I need to get a man. Sage, that one. I told him I was working on it. Am I? Will I?

I wish there was someone that I wanted to make out with, that I don't refer to as the devil incarnate behind his back.

It's a Saturday night and I am at home. That is remarkable. I'd better have a cocktail just to ensure my body doesn't go into shock.

I'm at this strange place in my life where I have more questions then answers. While Rabbi Shumley seems to think that is the best way to live. I think it sucks. I like to know what I'm doing, or at least appear to know, right now I'm not even fooling myself. I miss my girls-JAC, KMo, JLK, Nya, Tiff-how did this happen that my nearest and dearest all live thousands of miles away, AT THE SAME TIME?

I have torn up my house looking for my Teena Marie Greatest Hits CD. I still cannot find it, I MUST find it. And I have to take better care of my CD's, this is the pits.

I can't really cook, right. I don't own any of the right/proper/useful cooking utensils/products/ingredients-basically I just get everything from my sister's house and cook at my own. But in an effort to transform myself into a person who can cook, I’ve been trying it out. This week I made: Salmon in a white wine reduction with (I could not be more proud of my reduction), spinach, and mashed butternut squash. It was a bit ambitious but overall it was pretty good. One day I'm actually going to be a good cook. It wasn't this week but its coming.

I'm watching Kung Fu Hustle. I love this movie. It makes me happy. The fight scenes are so over the top ridiculous. It’s silly and irreverent. Basically its quality modern cinema. :) Also, it’s stupid and escapist-perfect for an evening in with Jack D.