T.V.

I watch a lot of tv. I work from home primarily and need background noise, don't judge me. I can honestly say that most of what is on television is complete crap.

Despite this fact I also have a condition wherein if I have begun tivoing a show I feel some sort of compulsion to continue watching it, regardless of how much I dislike the show, how bad it gets, or how many episodes I allow to stack up in my tivo before I begrudgingly watch. Its an odd loyalty that I have to shows that I may have initially been interested in. I just keep hoping that it will get good again, while I sado-masochistically (spelled correctly the first time I typed it! Boom!)watch and endure.

One show I have never had to hurt myself by watching is Justified on FX. As a disclaimer I must say that I love nearly all of FX's programming: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The League are two of my favorite comedies on television. Damages had an amazing first season, and though season two started a bit slow I am very much looking forward to the next season. Sons of Anarchy is FANTASTIC. Rescue Me has waned in quality over the past few seasons but the sexinessessess that are Daniel Sunjata and Larenz Tate, are reason enough to continue to tune in-especially when they are often shirtless and/or showering....LAWD.....

Getting back to Justified, this is an excellent, layered, well acted, swaggerific, country show. Set in backwoods Kentucky the life and times of Raylan Givens and all of the interesting people that occupy the vortex where his past and present are colliding are an entertaining spectacle to watch. It's one of the shows I look forward to most. Everyone should watch and this season and its finale were a pitch perfect example of why.

Some of my other favorite shows include: Breaking Bad (AMC), Dexter (Showtime. I'm a couple seasons behind with Netflix), Modern Family(ABC), Louie(FX), Todd Margaret(IFC), The Good Wife(CBS), and Southland(TNT). These are just what I consider to be the upper echelon of cable/network dramas and comedies, and barely scratch the surface of the complete list of things that I tivo. Again, stop judging me.

In other TV related issues, I don't know how other cities do it? How does Orlando not just have mass suicides, or Boston over the past couple years? Knowing your team is good enough to win it all, when you are used to winning, when your team is the team to beat, and then they actually get beat....Like Leann Rimes, how do I live?? My dad told me that years of having the Rams in LA prepared him for losses like this. That was before my time of caring about football. Apparently I should have paid attention, for I am not taking this well. And for my non LA readers, I am uber sincere in my uber sensitivity to this issue...I will Andrew Bynum you, tread lightly.

I am happily on the much better side of strep throat. For whatever reason I didn't take my hypochondriac illness obsessed self to the doctor in any sort of timliness, so by the time I went to the doctor swallowing anything for any reason literally rocked my body, mind and spirit. It was awful. The ONLY upside is that I couldn't eat, and even as I got better eating still wasn't appealing due to my throat still being sore. Now my throat isn't all that sore but my appetite is tiny...I feel like Mary Kate and Ashley in this piece! I'm about to be strep throat chic for the summer!

...Of Pimps and....

So its Friday morning I have a hearing downtown LA, so as my usual I hop the lovely blue line to save me the gas and parking (as an added bonus I get to read and see my people). As I'm walking to buy my ticket I hear two dudes talking on the steps to the platform, one comes over to where I am to watch me and the other stays put.

Now I know that there is no way not to cross their path so I get my game face on, brace myself for the duo ghetto combo. I'm not sure if I'm the only one who notices this but there is strength in numbers-you pass one ghetto dude and you might get some whispered comments in your direction, perhaps even an outloud "hey girl!" But that's really about it. You pass through two or more and they feed off one another, they are commenting about you/at you as much for your benefit as for each other.

And sure enough I hit the stairs and the youngest one thinks I am beautiful, sexy, I've got it like that, damn girl, etc. The older just keeps looking at my behind and smacking his mouth sucking his teeth. I pass quickly yet politely say good morning to both. As I'm near the top of the stairs and all they can see is my behind walking up stairs (is there a better viewpoint of me? Doubtful.) The younger says "you are the definition of a beautiful black woman". Nice! Right?! The older says in reply "naw she ain't that fine." Oh. Ok.

So now I'm on the platform reminding myself that I am in fact not that cute. And here comes the older one walking toward me...in what can only be described as a pimps ode to the Lakers (I take Laker love in all forms), an enormous rayon/poly blend purple and yellow button up (I almost wrote "dress shirt", but that just couldn't possibly be right) that nicely complemented the tattoo under his right eye and the one on his neck.

So he's asking me what I do, informs me that he is a pimp (said with all seriousness) and that he is moving to vegas for one month to make a quick 30k and then he's coming back here, maybe. Ok two things: if you can go somewhere and make 1000 per day, why would you leave that place? Secondly, is it "moving" if you are only staying 30days?

Anyhow, we chat. He apparently thinks I'm L7 (a square), convo wanes. My train comes and I'm like well I catch it down here so bye, he replies "go on then, ain't noby keeping you here!" Now mind you, it was all said with a smile in a jokey way but still it was like all chatty, chatty cool and then 'bitch get on!' Oh. Ok.

As I'm walking away I chunk him the dueces and turns out this means that I do know more then I'm letting on, with this one motion I negate my L7 status. So he comes walking over yelling about "oh you just gone chuck me the deuces, see you need a backhand (while making the motion), you need to be put in line, etc." I chuckle and state that I'm a suburb girl who knows nothing about nothing, I'm from Rancho Cucamonga with a little Pomona thrown in. His reply: "oh you got Ptown in there, Sugafree damn near invented this pimpin' ish."

By now I'm getting on the train and realizing that he is getting on train with me and the train car is EMPTY. Great, just what I wanted alonetime with a pimp. On an empty train one would think he would sit in front of me or across the isle, nope he sits right next to me. Now I have to figure out a nice way to tell him to get away from me and sit elsewhere, b/c I've seen "American Pimp" and I know how it can switch from all good to all bad in a second. And I really didn't want to start my morning in a slap fight with a pimp showing unintentional Laker love.

He says "I'm Bougie by the way." I didn't know if he meant that as an adjective or...then I realized it was his name. NICE. And to further impress upon me his stupendous level of class, "feel my shirt...this shit is soft...you feel that?" Sadly I think he was under the impression it was silk...it wasn't.

In the meantime he is wiping his running nose and I spy what I think is my way out of sitting with him..."are you sick?" I ask? "I don't want to be sick!" He assures me that he's not sick his nose is just running from the cocaine from last night. I also learned that coke goes well with filet mignon (and he pronounced it pheonetically mig-non...how the classy do it), and causes you to wake up angry. Now I've seen "what's love go to do with it" as well and recall what coked up Ike did to Tina...needless to say I settled into my ride with a pimp named Bougie and decided to endure his closenss.

For a brief moment we had a pleasant and rational conversation about the merits of the straight life, and traveling, and as the next stop came near he turns his full body toward me and says:

"So uh, you ain't gettin no younger, so whatchu wanna do?"

I have no clue what he meant by that, I don't understand the context, I don't know if he meant was I planning on continuing the straight life vs. joining him, if he meant was I planning on joining him for the day, if I wanted to come to vegas with him for his "move", or simply if I was going to give him my phone number. I don't know, and will never know b/c I fell out laughing, loudly, full head back tilt, mouth open. He laughed at me laughing but I think it was a serious question.

The stop came, he hugged me goodbye, wished me a nice day and left to me still cracking up.

Later in the day I'm telling my cousin and her Australian boyfriend about a pimp named Bougie that I met on the train, and boyfriends immediate response was: "Pimps ride the train?" Oh but they do, oh but they do.

Spring...

He's having a baby.

The most recent love of my life called to let me know that he is expecting a baby in October.

I have been done with our relationship since Feb. 2010, yet we have remained friends, phone calls, a couple dinners, lunches, etc. Our "break-up" wasn't contentious, he did precisely what I knew he would and it was over just like that. When he reappeared as he always does I stuck to my "I'm totally over you and this relationship" guns and eventually my heart cooperated with where my head was. My heart frequently regressed but fortunately my head was resolute and I never acted on those ill advised setbacks.

So now we find ourselves chatting about life and what nots. He still trying to weasel his way back into my good graces/bed and me shutting him down just short of begging. I find it impossible not to be his friend at the very least. All the things that made me love him are still the same, he is still funny, charming, caring, supportive, so on and so forth. Therefore to me our friendship is perfectly natural, he did somethings in our relationship that I didn't appreciate but he is still one of my favorite people.

One of my favorite Eric Roberson songs is "Open Your Eyes" and in it he tells a lover:

I can pray for your dreams
Even if that truly means
That if your dreams come true
That I will not be with you... Forever

And that is how I feel. He is now a friend and despite whatever deep down feelings I might harbor that still held a bit of hope that one day years from now we might be able to work out, above all I want him to be happy. Even if its not with me. And since he has always wanted kids and we all know my feelings on this particular womb holding a bambino, this is how it was always going to end.

That is what this is an ending, the death of a possibility. That was the source of my initial shock, sadness, couple of tears (it was like 3, I ain't no punk...I've cried more over Laker losses)...I'm done with that phase though. Now I am just trying to get to the bottom of what it is that he wants from me at this point.

It seems that he doesn't want to foreclose on the possibility of us (despite my reminders to him that that is done and over with), while still trying to play house and make it work with his new baby momma. Essentially he wants me to be his back-up chick, the just in case main chick doesn't work out fall back plan. Typical. Per him I'm supposed to play some sort of auntie, god-mother sort of role in the kids life...I can't for the life of me figure out why on earth I would ever want to do that.

In other life news, everything else is still moving right along. I'm pretty happy and healthy...though I have been fighting the urge to dance hard. An urge which I intend to satisfy this weekend or sometime soon.

Live it up ya'll!

Lunch!

I've been talking to this man, he's been saying what I like and
he makes me smile when I'm down, so-oo down.
He says sweet things in my ear, all the things that I need to hear.
But that's as far as its gone I promise, I promise.
But I enjoy it, I love it so...

Oh little D. We dated for a minute years ago, and he was great. But I couldn't get over the occasionally gay things he would do or wear. I need excessive outward displays of machismo, I can't take the "I spent 20 minutes coordinating this hat, jacket, shoe combo. And I would have been more then happy to put something together for you as well." You know those dudes that you feel like you have to dress for? Not be cute for, but actually wear the name brand stuff or never repeat outfits b/c you know that while he is looking at T&A he is also acutely aware that those shoes were from 3 seasons ago?

D is/was one of those. So when he told me he loved me years ago I couldn't say it back. And he knew that and he was ok with it and was willing to wait for me to feel it. I can't recall exactly how it ended, I think I met Jov somewhere in there, and well-he had been shot 6 times and the only brand he could talk about intelligently was Nike. Uber Alpha Male.

We both saw other ppl, he started dating another young lady with my name. And she is so opposite of me, it makes me wonder how a man could want both of us. D is a southern man, and a large part of my fan base are southern men because I have a certain asset that they value down there in the south: Thickness.

She got a donk, she got a donk, she gotta a donk, she gotta donk, shake sumtin'

And a bra size with more letter D's then numbers. Which per him are his two favorite things in life. So then pre tell why is the new Jennwill flat chested and infected with noassatall disease? Oh, and she is mexican. She is really cute, very nice, and seems to make him happy. But how can you have been in love with both Serena Williams and Zoe Saldana (both references are compliments to the bodies of both she and I and used for effect but you get the point)?

Anyhow he has made a reappearance in my life and we have been having lunch. I told him I love and hate the lunches. They are great fun, we've always had a great time together, he is so gentlemanly and bossy, he has picked some wonderful restaurants, and he makes me feel gorgeous, he is so attentive, its all been...perfect. But then I go back to my manless life and wonder if I let one get away? Should I have just been secure since he was so secure in his manhood? Could he have been the one, and now I missed my happily ever after? So on and so on and so on.

The main issue is, I don't want to disrespect or do anything that I wouldn't want my man doing with one of his 'friends' at lunch. And that is my greatest concern. I think its easy for both he and I to fantasize about how wonderful our time together was, making it this thing that it wasn't since it is currently out of reach. I told my book club about the situation and they suspect that he is testing the waters, to try to see what I'm willing to do-help him cheat or be the replacement to the current Jenn. I am willing to do neither and won't even entertain any of such a discussion. But I do recognize that our lunches need to be dialed back to once every other month, instead of the current twice a month program we are on. Why do we need to spend so much time together? I mentioned to him that its like taking a child to a toy store allowing them to play with their favorite toy for an hour and then snatching the toy away and escorting them swiftly out of the store-twice a month.

I enjoy his company, love to be treated well but the trying to mind my p's and q's while he seems to be purposefully pushing my "I can't control the words coming out of my mouth" buttons is more then your girl can bear.

Suds...

It has been a tough couple years for my family. Maybe its because I have so much extra family, both my parents remarried before I was 8 years old and with that came 2 additional sets of family.
Then there is my religious family who I spend more time with then my actual family and therefore share very close bonds with. Then there are my friends who have transcended that title and are also family.

Basically I'm somehow related to you and everyone you know. And with knowing that many people there are bound to be tragedies, deaths, and other assorted sorrows. My favorite person in my step father's family died today, a young 5w, a single 18 year old son, a wife of 20+ years and not a person in his life he hasn't helped in some way. He had cancedr that ravaged him in less than a year, and this morning he quietly took his last breath in front of his mother, wife, son, and sisters. It had been clearly coming for days, doctors had warned us, nurses prepared us, his own body had made it clear, yet and still it breaks the heart when that actual moment arrives.

I know its terrible but I nearly ALWAYS am crying for the people that are still living, the pain a mother or wife must feel, it just rips my heart out. My step father essentially raised this man and to see my dad, a consistent pillar of strength, have a moment where his emotions were raw and palpable, where he wept, unrestrained for just a moment before he returned to being strong. My tears today were for him, they were the ones his need to be there for others would not allow him to shed. My cousin is at peace, pain free, and at rest. Its the rest of us who have to live with his abscense and bear the grief.

I brought them home later, my mother made a nice dinner, we talked, laughed, watched basketball. At the end of the evening my dad did something I've never seen him do...he voluntarily, without provocation or encouragment washed my dishes.

To know me is to know that I hate doing dishes. I spent nearly EVERY night in my parents house doing dishes, I vowed to never do them as an adult-regardless of my bank account Vicki will be at my house every other week to handle that task. To know my dad is to know that he doesn't do kitchens, no cooking, no cleaning, he leaves that domain exclusively to the women. But tonight he did dishes. And I quietly came up beside him and I dried and put them away. It was the absolute best moment of my day.

A little better...

It hasn't been the best couple of weeks. Entirely too much stuff going on in the world and in my own personal little world.

So today while driving home from work, feeling particularly down I get the following text:

"Have I ever told you why I like you? Just curious...Cuz you are cute but so very fine. Soooo soo smart and still down to earth. Very spiritual but still sexier then a mutha and because you are such a dear friend of mine. Thanks for being one bad ass sista."

How sweet is that? Is that not the best compliment ever!? The timing was on point, and the sentiment was genuine.

When I sometimes forget that I am in fact dope, its nice to be reminded, by someone who isn't even trying to get in my pants.

Race day...

You may recall that in October 2010 I made the crazy decision to start training for a half marathon. I convinced my sister to train with me, we bought shoes and expensive socks, found a trail we liked and wouldn't get murdered on, and hit the proverbial bricks about 4 times a week.

Training went well, we got faster, stronger, it got easier...

In December my sister and I caught a cold, I got better hers lingered. She thought she got better took a weekend trip, came back and was sicker then ever. I may have missed a couple runs, but I kept up the training even without her. Two weeks before the race she was really sick, so sick that I insisted she go to Urgent Care. We went, they prescribed antibiotics, said she had bronchitis and essentially sent us home. Four days later (exactly one week before the race) she laid in bed, basically unable to breathe, panting for no apparent reason. I demanded that we go back to urgent care, she resisted but eventually relented when I told her I would get the neighbor boys to come carry here from her bed to the car, if she didn't come on her own. The urgent care receptionist looked at my sister still unable to breathe and told me to take her directly to the ER.

Went to the ER about 1130am, by 8pm she was admitted and settled in her room with Pneumonia in both lungs and severe shortness of breath.

I sometimes forget how close my sister and I are. I always think that b/c I share more of the intimate details of my personal life with my friends that I am closer to them. But the reality is that there is no other person that I am closer to in this world then her, and it dawned on me as she laid there looking so weak and so sick. It was brutal, I had to keep reminding myself that she would get better and that healthy ppl of her age didn't die of pneumonia, regardless of how distressed her breathing was.

On the Monday before the race she asked her doctor if she would be able to participate in the marathon on Sunday, he laughed and said that really she shouldn't be doing much around the house.

She was in the hospital until Friday, sent home with oxygen tanks, follow up appointments, steroids, antibiotics etc. She is doing much better then she was, but still only a shadow of her former self. And now I faced the race alone, having missed my last long training run.

But I had paid for it, I had prepared for it, and I was going to do it.

So I did! 13.1 miles. 3.5 hours. Dead Ipod. Rocks in shoes. Alone. But I did it. I didn't stop and rest, I kept at it and I finished. I finished 15 mins better then I thought I might, and now that I finished this one, I think I'd like to do it again to be a bit more competitive.

During the race I was having mini competitions with ppl near me, "I will beat this old lady", "I can beat these ppl", etc. I would pick a point in the distance and run to there, it really was a mind over matter challenge. And since I had no ipod it really was just me and my mind.

I just kept focusing on the end in sight and the fact that I would be so proud once I accomplished it. And sure enough it felt like quite the feat when I ran over that finish line.

Every piece of food I ate directly following and every drink I had right after was THE MOST wonderful think I had ever tasted, or drank. I was STARVING after the race, my wonderful friends met me at the finish line, cheered me on and took me to breakfast. The friend who got this whole ball rolling ran the race with me, and by with me I mean she finished an hour earlier cause she is a rock star!

I truly missed my sister crossing that finish line with me, but she is feeling much better and getting more like herself everyday. She is crossing her own finish lines daily, and that honestly is the better, bigger accomplishment as far as I am concerned.

Thanks all for all the support, I'm planning on doing one or two more halfs this year so you all will be hearing about it!

The interim...

Ok so 2010 is now over.

How was my year in retrospect? It was great! It was cool.Parts of it really sucked. I think that about covers it.

I was finally able to cast a poisonous love out of my life. I finally got some control and stability in my work life. I started on a path to get myself healthy and fit. Far and away 2010 Q4 was the best. Q1 was the most difficult to get through, in Q2 I chopped off my hair, and in Q3 things began to look up.

Everything is a lesson, and truly I am a fortunate girl. I am looking forward to what the future has in store.

I went to a lovely brunch organized by my favorite couple, who are newly engaged. I have told the Mr. before that I love he and his friends because they are so demonstrative in their relationships. They go places with their women, they claim them even when they aren't around, they display their attraction and affection for them in mixed company. It really is a lovely sight to see in a city where it seems that no man is actually in a relationship, plenty of women are but it often seems the men are unaware of this monogamous coupling.

Then comes the brunch. Gorgeous location, beautiful, smart black people, and couples...so many couples. There were maybe 5 or 6 singles there out of the 36-38ppl in attendance. Its one thing to see or know of couples that you shake your head at "he is terrible to her", "she is a complete anal nag", "I saw him flirting with some other hot young thing the other day" etc. Its another to see couples with men that clearly love the women they are with, that are proud to be near to them, women who are comfortable in their own skin, and in healthy relationships. It was lovely.

And it also made me sick.

Not in a hateful way, but just in a dumbstruck way. There are many couples that I would never in a million years want the man involved. It could be looks, or personality, but for whatever reason I wouldn't want that man within 10 feet of me for any reason. The brunch did not contain these men. Obviously this was a mere 3 hour snippet of an introduction, but seriously I looked around the tables and I can honestly say there was not an ugly man there, some more attractive then others of course, but all essentially handsome, some even strikingly so. They were funny, charismatic, able to participate in conversation with ppl they didn't know, generally pleasant to be in the company of. Nearly all of them an individual that I would gladly date.

That did quite the number on me. The fact that there are all these date-able men in existence. Part of my "Jenn its ok that you only go on one date per year and are more single than a pedophile at a cougar convention" anti depression, pro sanity campaign is to remind myself that there are no date-able men anywhere. I don't know any legitimate bachelors, and by legitimate I mean men that I would actually date or are within my eligible bachelor parameters, or men worth dating which justifies my life sans dates. To meet a room full of men that I would date in a heartbeat, some of whom I would literally bump off their SO to do so (No Snitchin') was in total contradiction to the bill of goods I've sold myself.

So now what.

Yeah I don't know. Short of kidnapping baby boy with the giant extremely well defined backs girlfriend, which did cross my mind after he hugged me goodbye, why did he do that? I think I inadvertently held on a bit too long-uhh thats what you get when you put a back like that into my sexually frustrated hands. I'm pretty sure I need to just get back on my "it is what it is" mantra.

Sometimes I do feel the need to give myself a reason for my singlehood, lest the I'm not good enough demons get to me. They can get to a sista, if I'm not careful. Its not that I am not patient, but work doesn't fill me up like it used to, going out doesn't move me like it once did. Which leaves me with the conundrum of what to do in the interim...I guess I'll just live like its golden and see what happens.