He's having a baby.
The most recent love of my life called to let me know that he is expecting a baby in October.
I have been done with our relationship since Feb. 2010, yet we have remained friends, phone calls, a couple dinners, lunches, etc. Our "break-up" wasn't contentious, he did precisely what I knew he would and it was over just like that. When he reappeared as he always does I stuck to my "I'm totally over you and this relationship" guns and eventually my heart cooperated with where my head was. My heart frequently regressed but fortunately my head was resolute and I never acted on those ill advised setbacks.
So now we find ourselves chatting about life and what nots. He still trying to weasel his way back into my good graces/bed and me shutting him down just short of begging. I find it impossible not to be his friend at the very least. All the things that made me love him are still the same, he is still funny, charming, caring, supportive, so on and so forth. Therefore to me our friendship is perfectly natural, he did somethings in our relationship that I didn't appreciate but he is still one of my favorite people.
One of my favorite Eric Roberson songs is "Open Your Eyes" and in it he tells a lover:
I can pray for your dreams
Even if that truly means
That if your dreams come true
That I will not be with you... Forever
And that is how I feel. He is now a friend and despite whatever deep down feelings I might harbor that still held a bit of hope that one day years from now we might be able to work out, above all I want him to be happy. Even if its not with me. And since he has always wanted kids and we all know my feelings on this particular womb holding a bambino, this is how it was always going to end.
That is what this is an ending, the death of a possibility. That was the source of my initial shock, sadness, couple of tears (it was like 3, I ain't no punk...I've cried more over Laker losses)...I'm done with that phase though. Now I am just trying to get to the bottom of what it is that he wants from me at this point.
It seems that he doesn't want to foreclose on the possibility of us (despite my reminders to him that that is done and over with), while still trying to play house and make it work with his new baby momma. Essentially he wants me to be his back-up chick, the just in case main chick doesn't work out fall back plan. Typical. Per him I'm supposed to play some sort of auntie, god-mother sort of role in the kids life...I can't for the life of me figure out why on earth I would ever want to do that.
In other life news, everything else is still moving right along. I'm pretty happy and healthy...though I have been fighting the urge to dance hard. An urge which I intend to satisfy this weekend or sometime soon.
Live it up ya'll!
2 comments:
I read, once, where you said that there is comfort in hearing someone else tell a story similar to one's own. I'm paraphrasing, but I remember nodding when I read that.
This post is like that for me. It reminds me so much of Glenn. He was a good friend - though some of my girls can't understand. He still is the man that I fell for, he is just not for me.
*sighs*
The only thing that differs is that Glenn is under strict orders not to procreate until I have.
Hey. It's for my sanity.
wow... i can't believe i'm reading this. i mean, i know you only shed 3 tears but that's some deep stuff J. i know you're a tough girl and this is for the best, but if you ever need to vent, i'm here... i'm sorry and happy to hear he's having a child. =/
i'm glad you're still writing. it makes me feel close to you.
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