Memorial Day...the aftermath...

im so blown by all of this....this is precisely the part of relationships that i hate...when the behavior of the other person makes me miserable, and there isnothing that i can do to stop it, prevent it, or control it. If you want out just say so, but all this little stuff that is slowly sabotaging us, i can't take it. I did the chasing after someone who didn't want to be caught routine, it taught me a lesson, if he's not that into you, he's not that into you, and there is nothing you can do to rekindle what you may have had at first. I did the being with someone who i only trusted about 35% of the time, damn near drove me crazy, I can't take that either. i'm at a point where i want nothing but sheer unabashed honesty. if this is too much, you made a hasty decision, you have doubts or second thoughts...fine. i can appreciate and live with that. but i wont be with someone who i am constantly guessing about what they are thinking, or i'm always worried that they are going to pull the switch at any moment and surprise the heck out of me. i deserve better. i also deserve to enjoy my long weekend. men asked me this weekend if i was single and though i always replied no, it dawned on me that i felt pretty single, i haven't felt single in a couple of months but this weekend i totally did. and i imagine you did as well. i didn't feel loved or cared for by someone at all this weekend, i felt by myself. which is fine, i've spent lots of time by myself and it really aint that bad, granted being with you is better, i prefer that, but not if i'm just going to be feeling like this. so now i'm wondering....so then we chat....and thats why i didn't want to chat b/c it would only make it worse...and i just want to call you at work and scream at you but clearly i'm NOT going to do that, even though every fiber of my being just wants to pick up that phone, but i won't because i am professional and i am an adult, and...i just want to cry, but there is no crying at work, i have always had that rule, no tears at the office! so i'm just going to sit here and blink for a second or two and then i am going to get to work...i'm petrified that this is over, but i can't think about that right now b/c any second now blinking is about to stop working...work...yeah...work....