I'm here to help you, help me...

I'm not that old. I'm not 21 but I'm not all that far from it either. In those years since 21 I have my put my time in at various night spots in various cities with various people. In my years of going out, there are various rules and regulations that I think must be followed to ensure a pleasant evening for all.

First let me say it is imperative that you the go-er outer decide prior to the outing that you are going to have a good time. My years of partying with white ppl have taught me that you can have a good time anywhere, as long as they sell alcohol, and....well actually that's it. I have found through years of careful study that many black ppl have all these conditions, and circumstances that must occur in order for them to have a good time. 4 specific songs must be played in a specific order and at a certain decible level, there must be a certain ratio of men to women, pricing of alcohol must be within a certain range, and everyone in attendance must be black-obvs, etc, etc, etc. It is infuriating, makes me hate you, and never invite you anywhere ever again.

So let me break it down for you in steps:

Step 1: Decide to go out and have a good time with friends. Regardless of who is there, remember you are with ppl that you like and enjoy the company of. Therefore all other things being equal you should be more then capable of having a good time. Unless you don't like these ppl, in which case, don't go out with them.

If you are the invited...
Step 2: Ask where the place is (address, name, vicinity-NOT directions), and what is the attire. DO NOT ask what every single person in the group is going to wear, DO NOT call the night of the event and ask directions to the establishment-you have the name of the place, you have the internet-if you don't you don't need to be going out anyway, you have other priorities like catching up to 2008. If you hate this place but have NO OTHER suggestions, do not complain about the place. You only get to complain if you are ready and willing to offer an acceptable alternate location...even then, if you are vetoed-get over it, and have a good time.

Step 3: Make logical travel/arrival arrangements. If you live next door to the place don't drive two counties in the opposite direction just to carpool, so you won't have to walk in by yourself (if you are an adult why can't you walk into a place by yourself????? How do you grocery shop? Go to Target? Get gas? Go to work? Unless you are a siamese twin going places alone should be a part of your daily routine). Also, if the plan is to meet at 10p don't call/text at 9:45 with modified arrangements usually involving someone waiting on you, or picking you up. And if you know, that you have to pick up little johnny from his grandmother, or have an early morning appt and you need the sleep-DON'T CARPOOL! No one is going to want to leave as early as you have to, and you shouldn't put ppl in that position-drive your own car.

Step 4: Be prepared to pay. Going out involves money. There is the valet, or parking of some sort, there is the possible cost of admittance, there are drinks to buy, tips to give. Do not be the person so pressed to hold onto cash that you are parking 10 blocks away (we're too old for that), breaking your neck and cursing out ppl in your party in a futile attempt to arrive before 10 or whatever arbitrary time the promoter has set up to taunt ppl (there is no way to make it before the time-they set it up that way, its a trick to get the line full early-however i guarantee they will hold you in that line until its time to pay...you might as well just get there when you get there), not buying a drink because you claim not to want one, until someone else in the party takes pity on you and buys you a drink but you never reciprocate the favor (stop frontin' and buy a dag on glass of SOMETHING-even water). Additionally, just because you didn't drive doesn't mean that parking is free! In fact you should more inclined to pay for parking since your gas was spared-chip in on parking-its a sin to make a person drive and pay for their own parking.

Step 5: Be easy. Enjoy the music, talk to a stranger about something random, dance to your favorite song when its played, when a 90's song comes on do a 90's dance, talk about ppl, be lively-even if you don't feel like it, if not then go home you are under no obligation to stay. If you are a light weight, don't try to out-do yourself, just b/c this is your one outing doesn't mean the rest of the party-goers want to take care of you.

If you are the Invitee
Step 2: Chose a location and time and dissemenate this information ahead of time. Don't make general allegations of a plan-"Let's meet up after _____ for drinks". This is not making plans unless you follow this up with concrete details re: time and place. Furthermore, if you have no ideas about where to go, don't poo-poo all other suggestions. Nor should you plan an event and then expect someone else to give you the perfect location-again, you have the internet do some research, and even if you make a poor choice try to have a back up plan and keep in mind that you are with your buddies so you should be able to have fun anywhere.

Step 3-5: Follow the same steps as above.

Because I go out frequently I often encounter ppl who would like to join me in my exploits. I'm thinking of making these steps into a legally binding contract. You will not be welcome to join me until you sign the aforementioned. Is that rude?