Jenn in Wonderland...

Hey All,

How goes it? Miss me?

So lately I've been thinking lots about relationships and how I don't have one and why, and what the relationships I see are like, how the men I know behave and interact with women (theirs and others) etc...

I was not a "I believe in fairy tales" kind of kid. I didn't play with baby dolls, I wasn't into make believe. I was an only child with relatively older parents. I spent most of my time with adults, eavesdropping on their adult conversations, adult problems, and adult relationships. My parents were of the children are to be seen and not heard school of thought, and one of the benefits of being quiet was that adults thought I wasn't paying attention, or that I didn't understand. Ha! I was a plethora of information. Every now and again my mother would utilize this resource when she was relaying the details of someones business (gossiping)- "Jennifer, where did Mary say her husband went and how long has he been gone?" However, if I volunteered the information b/c she was telling the story wrong...yeah, I got in trouble.

So I grew up a very practical kid with little imagination. I knew there was no way that I was going to get a pony, so I never asked for one. But I knew that I could ask for a TV in my room, I wouldn't likely get it, but they would instead get me some other sort of electronic that I wanted like a stereo. I knew my limits, I learned when to push them or when to act within the confines of my reality. Confines of my reality-I probably used that phrase at 10. lol. I was too old for my own good. That has carried on into my adult life. I still don't believe in fairy tales. I think that things that are too good, are probably somehow untrue. I believe in the faults and virtues of humans, and I think that the man of my dreams doesn't exist. He can't, b/c in my dreams he is perfectly handsome, impeccably dressed, we are attracted to each other like wild animals, he is a perfect provider, spiritual family head, he is charismatic, funny, outgoing, and can switch his mode from corporate to ghetto at the drop of a hat. We don't fight, we balance each other out, and its all peachy keen at all times. In these same said dreams I have the body of my 20's, hair down my back, and am the envy of all women.

But I know for a fact that this man doesn't exist, because this scenario cannot exist. Marriage is not always peachy keen, its not always any particular way, it ebbs and flows, its high and low, its hard work, and in my dreams there is no work involved.

I guess you could say I'm pessimistic. Especially when it comes to men. My reality is that men are fallible just like me, at some point he will likely fail me, likely hurt my feelings, it might not be intentional but its bound to happen. We're human. We fail. We try but we fall short, and so will the man that I love and so will I. I'll still love him, and hopefully he'll still love me. That's the nature of being human.

So I presume that one day I'll find someone to be human with me. To share the ebb and flow, to enjoy and endure the highs and lows. But I've rarely allowed myself to believe that this man will share my religion. That just seems too much to hope for. To have all the personality points that I desire and share my religion, that man doesn't exist within the confines of my reality.

I've been to a few concerts lately, and from my vantage point seemingly all the attractive men were there with women. Granted, the concerts were Eric Benet and Anthony Hamilton and therefore a perfect destination for couples. Nevertheless, the men/couples that I saw didn't just seem to be on dates, they seemed to be a willing participant in a relationship with a women, a woman who looked something like me. Aside from the occasional roving eye, these seemed like committed coupled up men. Seeing them made the notion of me in a relationship sort of creep up into my reality.

Then on Friday I ran into a friend who was telling me that for the first time in his life he is in a committed relationship, he has an official girl that he actually publicly claims. He is in his mid-twenties, handsome, educated, and this is his first public girlfriend. I asked him what made him decide to finally have this sort of relationship, was it his age or was it b/c of some special quality of this particular woman? He said it was a combo of the two, at this point in his life he's looking for someone with particular qualities, and upon finding them in a package that he likes he decided to lock it down. I'm proud of him, happy for him. Not sure if men actually wanting to be in relationships is a new trend in my reality...

On Saturday I went to a party with my sister, and met some attractive men who seemed to have the personalities that I like, seemed well adjusted and normal, and most strangely of all share my religious beliefs. That's right. That which I dared not allow myself to believe in might actually exist. I still wasn't sure that I believed. Then today I saw those gentleman again, they were still fine, still funny, and then it dawned on me what the problem is with these mythical figures. Because they are so rare, they behave like God's gift. Because women throw themselves at these men, they have an over inflated sense of self. I love confidence bordering on arrogance, but the God's gift mentality is too much for even me. And so the confines of my reality remain in tact...The man I'm looking for who also shares my religion doesn't exist. I'm ok with that. Reality is what it is.