I sent this email to my girls yesterday:
I am getting so sick of the question: "so you're a great girl, funny, pretty, smart, you know sports, you're a lawyer, why are you single?" I swear i am going to come up with a answer that evokes shame, shock, or horror from the person that next asks me that.
Something like: well, i don't like to tell ppl but....i'm a hermaphrodite, it is my secret shame. And interestingly men don't like he/she's with partial penises.
or
I'm into hardcore S&M and its hard to find a man that is into the same catastrophic ball crushing that i am into.
or
I'm racist against all races so I'm really looking for an Albino, and as you can imagine, they are hard to find here in LA with all the excessive sun and all.
or
I'm planning on becoming morbidly obese in the next 5-10 years so i need a chubby chaser, but I'm currently not big enough for that crowd yet, so i'm working on it.
Any other suggestions that I can shock and awe ppl who ask me that dumb question?
The responses:
I'm a carpet muncher, but I hate women so that makes it tough for me to find a mate.
I'm into beastiality.
I like men with stumps, amputees really do it for me, but surprisingly low amount of them walking around.
I'm into guys with really hairy backs, no, I mean really hairy backs!! But sadly the Armenian guys just don't seem to dig me.
I'm a nympho and no one man alone can keep up. (or conversely, I hate sex, worst thing ever)
If you have any suggestions of how I can shock and awe stupid ppl that ask me this question please feel free to leave them in the comments.
I have the herp.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Because when you have as many good things as you have going for yourself, you don't settle for the first loser to ask you out. Shocking I know.
this wonderfully mean humor of yours. gosh i miss you.
i added you to my blog list so i know exactly when you post. i had some catching up to do!
yeah... i really miss you.
dude i needed that...i luv your sense of humor...
i agree with Phoenix...you could say something like "as shocking as it is, i know that i am single, what's even more shocking is that i don't have unreasonable expectations, but i do in fact have standards and refuse to be with someone just to avoid questions such as yours"
Post a Comment