While my dog sleeps on my lap...

So I'm kinda hateful. Like I am a super nice person...ppl generally like me, I'm kind, generous, relatively forgiving, I try to look over ppls faults like I hope that they will overlook mine. But when I feel crossed, slighted, intentionally hurt...yeah its a wrap, I have very little ability to forgive. So this chick that I haven't spoken to in over three years who caused me some of the greatest pain in my young life while I was in law school...has kind of reappeared in my life. She has always been just on the cusp of my social circle many of my law school friends including one of my closest friends still speak and socialize with her. And that's fine-initially during my actual hate stage it was problematic but I realized that she hadn't betrayed them...only me. So recently due to some geographic proximity and some friend overlap she ended up hanging out with my cousin. They had a good time, my cousin felt guilty about it afterward-I told her she need not. I'm over the hate. I haven't forgiven her, but I do understand why/how my cousin could have a good time with her-she's a fun girl. But I talked to my law school buddy today who is still close with her and she mentioned that the girl has been desiring to contact me...she has felt a need to reach out to me, but she wants to pray about it before she decides. This news made me think about her today, and made me think about how I feel about her and how I feel about forgiveness. The conclusion I came to was I need to pray too, I might even need to pray double. I haven't thought about her in quite some time and I can't really think of anything that I want/need to say to her. I think that in situations like this ppl reach out b/c they want to make themselves feel better-its the guilt. As it stands I don't know what I will do or say. I'm too old not to be civil and I think I’m too removed from the situation to be emotionally raw...I think. And really the Lord might enlighten her that this isn't the time, or may move me to skip or miss the call-because clearly she is too evil to be heard by God...hehehehehe.

I've been saying out loud that I think that I want a new job. I don't know why but I've always felt that words spoken out loud have more weight then those spoken only in the heart/mind. So I've been thinking about a new line of work for a little while but I wasn't ready to speak it out loud....I'm now ready. I love what I do, I hate/loathe/would rather cut myself then bill. I am so sick of accounting for every moment of my time. We'll see what happens.

If word hits the street that I got picked up by the fuzz-its illegal downloading. I was burning cds like a fiend today. I love music...and its so available and free and earlier then you can buy it, and best buy is kinda far from me, and I’m really busy, and its the new hotness how can I NOT have it! Sigh.

And finally by way of my general craziness....I think I had a mini stroke yesterday or over the weekend. I was at work today and could not for the life of me remember the names of ppl that I talk to every day. Like the names were gone...clearly evidence of a mini stroke.
And today I read that Pimp C died of complications related to promethizone/codine cough syrup....I was prescribed that kind of cough medicine with this last cold/virus. I took it for like 5 days...Lord I could have died! When I went to the doc for the cold I also asked the urgent care doctor if she could prescribe me some migraine medicine, she looked at me so crazy and was like for what...ummm migraines. And she was like what do you normally take...oh Fiornal...and perhaps it was the ease with which I was able to name all the drugs that I had been taking and/or wanted for this virus...but she definitely looked at me like I was a drug seeker and told me to contact my primary care physician to get that prescription. I thought it was funny...don't get mad at me because I know what works.