...Spectrum...

Old black men love me.

I can say that definitively. Not in a conceited way. But as a simple matter of fact.

Also I may be more attractive then usual in Ralph's grocery stores. Their lighting works for me. That's not quite tested yet so I won't assert it as fact.

My last two times at Ralphs an older black man made an effort to get in line behind me, and then proceeded to tell me that I was "breath-taking" or "incredibly blessed by God". Odell who paid the first compliment followed it up telling me how much he would like to rest his head on my breasts. The second gentleman was much more modest and told me that if he were a younger man he wouldn't even let me out of the store.

I gotta say, I'm not mad at the attention. It’s nice to hear a man be upfront with his. And what woman doesn't like compliments? I might mess around and get me an old black man, get me some AARP benefits. Don't hate.

Being with said old black man will give me the opportunity to pursue my dreams. What are those you ask? I think maybe I just figured it out-I want to be a travel writer OR I want to be director of human resources or attorney recruiting at a large law firm. Or both/all three. I still have this notion (monkey on my back) about professional prestige or somesuch. I have this need for a title or corporate affirmation. While I think being a travel writer, or in the travel field, full time would be incredible, its not a professional title like lawyer or director of something or other, to me it doesn't connote the same level of achievement. If I'm not actually practicing law I feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life saying phrases like "Well I'm a lawyer but currently I work as a fry cook at Burger King". I wonder why? Why do I need that title so bad? Even though up until now it is gratifying in title only and not at all in practice. A-type, overachieving, petrified of self perceived failure, stuck in false hierarchy corporate america personality type. Yep, that's me.

I wrote quite possibly the longest email of my lifetime today. It's to a failed(?) paramour. It's subject was "Why I don't call.", and I signed out with "Adoration", as you can imagine everything in between was from one end of the spectrum to the other and back again.

I spent about two hours or so sitting outside my local coffee bean today, reading my book, talking on the phone etc. A guy friend called just as I was headed there and asked if I was meeting a date at the coffee shop. I told him no, that I was going solo, and he advised that I not turn into one of those perpetually single but awesome girls, because he was going to be a perpetually single playboy and he was going to be looking for women like me. So to protect myself from him and his ilk I need to get a man. Sage, that one. I told him I was working on it. Am I? Will I?

I wish there was someone that I wanted to make out with, that I don't refer to as the devil incarnate behind his back.

It's a Saturday night and I am at home. That is remarkable. I'd better have a cocktail just to ensure my body doesn't go into shock.

I'm at this strange place in my life where I have more questions then answers. While Rabbi Shumley seems to think that is the best way to live. I think it sucks. I like to know what I'm doing, or at least appear to know, right now I'm not even fooling myself. I miss my girls-JAC, KMo, JLK, Nya, Tiff-how did this happen that my nearest and dearest all live thousands of miles away, AT THE SAME TIME?

I have torn up my house looking for my Teena Marie Greatest Hits CD. I still cannot find it, I MUST find it. And I have to take better care of my CD's, this is the pits.

I can't really cook, right. I don't own any of the right/proper/useful cooking utensils/products/ingredients-basically I just get everything from my sister's house and cook at my own. But in an effort to transform myself into a person who can cook, I’ve been trying it out. This week I made: Salmon in a white wine reduction with (I could not be more proud of my reduction), spinach, and mashed butternut squash. It was a bit ambitious but overall it was pretty good. One day I'm actually going to be a good cook. It wasn't this week but its coming.

I'm watching Kung Fu Hustle. I love this movie. It makes me happy. The fight scenes are so over the top ridiculous. It’s silly and irreverent. Basically its quality modern cinema. :) Also, it’s stupid and escapist-perfect for an evening in with Jack D.