Ellipses

Last week was tough...one of the worst weeks i've had in a minute. I'm glad its over. I'll admit i've been organizing, coordinating, hosting and MC'ing my own personal pity party...i feel like i felt when a relative died, cry a little here and there, an overall feeling of sadness, and a desire to remain solemn as it feels like being happy or jovial is still inappropriate. I am normally the queen of hidden emotion, and sucking it up...but i haven't had the energy to be my normally energetic self. Its strange...I watched a heck of a lot of Oprah last night, trying to clear out my tivo cache, and it was actually quite helpful. there is something very selfish about depression...you are only thinking about yourself and your situation, i remember reading an article once that said that one way to get out of such a funk is to dwell on others, participate in things that force you to take an interest is something or someone other then yourself...watching Oprah, peeking into the lives of these other ppl, seeing how truly fortunate I am by comparison, definitely took my mind off my issues. I am thankful for my blessings, and God's clear hand in my life, I just kick myself when i begin to reap what I have sewn....O' if I would only listen to His voice (isa. 48:17, 18)...I need to get that tattooed on my wrist, or chest, like that guy in Memento "Remember Isaiah 48..."...there was some other scripture that I read recently that I felt was even more necessary in my life right now, of course i've forgotten it, shouldn't be too hard to figure out where i read it...at work the other day I overheard someone in front of my door asking someone else (a blk person was asking a Jewish person about a scripture in the greek scriptures!) where that scripture that says that God will not put upon you more then what you can bear, he didn't know, so I yelled out 1 Cor 10:13...I was only about 70% sure that was the correct verse, I knew that was the right chapter and book, and turned out I was right about the verse as well. I am often surprised by my ability to quote and recall scriptures...unfortunately I tend to be like that man who looks into the mirror of God's word to see the man that he really is, only to walk away and forget what he saw...ironically, I can't remember where that one is...I cannot be less excited about my parents impending visit...its terrible...but it feels like i just saw them, and i just can't take that level of scrutiny right now, i'm already being hard on me the last thing I need/want is their dual assault on my life, interpersonal relationships, weight, skin, hair, home decorating, lack of organization, spending habits, clothes, and car maintenance...I really just want to be alone...like really alone...no sister, no hall, no work, just a weekend or so alone...I miss VA...i used to just disappear, drive along the river, to a waterfall, no cell service, no ppl, just an 1.5 hour drive, sit on the riverbed, and then drive back...I've been through worse, or at least equivalent, and really...sorry i just got distracted by this very cute, moderately big backed white boy with a buzz cut from some M state who always flirts with me when he drops off documents to our office...so what was I talking about?