Abusive Relationships

I am in an abusive relationship.
I realize that now.
After years of trying to overcome and overlook the abuse with love and understanding and just plain indifference, I realize now the abuse will not stop and the cycle will continue.

I like Rap. No I'm lying, I love rap. I love the clever wit, the beats, the hooks, the voices of the rappers-I love it all. I love it when its unintentionally funny, chock full of swagger, grimy, gritty, revolutionary, instructional, and even when its perverse (who doesn't like "put it in yo mouth" or "It ain't no fun"?).

But this morning as I drove up the 405 having my first listen to UGK's album, I realized that rap music doesn't really love me. My love, respect and admiration for it is unrequited. Dag.

You can't describe the various sexual acts you will perform and then have the hook "Bit*h you know you like that/Bit*h you know I like that" and then a few songs later put Talib on a track and have Raheem DeVaughn sweetly remind me of the ways in which you respect and love real women. That one song doesn't redeem the way you have spoken to and about me on the rest of the album. Regardless of whether or not I may or may not like "that" of which you speak, something is definitely taken away when you start the sentence with bit*h! And Yes Pimp C, I heard you say that B is a pet name and that I shouldn't get upset...but come on now, how does your mother, sister, daughter (cause i know you got some kids) feel about this so-called pet name?

I know, I know...no one is forcing me to come back to Rap. I could stay over there with that fake fairytale love of R&B, where days are spent romancing, sexing, breaking up, getting back together, partying, cheating, and reminiscing. But that life gets old. Sometimes I just want something with a little edge to it, ya know, is that so wrong? And that's when I'm attracted to rap again. You make me think you've changed, you put out artists like Common and Talib to lure me back in. Once I'm hooked on the beats, and the knocking of my speakers, there you go again starting back in with that bullish, calling me out my name, threatening me with physical injury, disrespecting me and carrying-on.

One day...one day...you are gonna go to far, call me out my name one to many times, or catch me on one of my more feminist revolutionary days, and that is going to be it. I am going to leave you for good. And then what are you gonna do?