To know me is to know that I have a complicated relationship with my mother. She loves me I love her. And I to us it seems perfectly normal. But when I look at other people's relationships with thier mothers I can't help but note how different we are.
My mother knows nothing about me. She doesn't know about any man I've ever loved, she doesn't even know that I've been in love. To her knowledge I've never kissed a boy. She knows only a very small segment of my friends, and even them she only knows through descriptions like "you remember the girl...". In her world all my friends are lovely young women, Christian-preferably Jehovah's Witnesses, black, wholesome, modestly dressed women. I spend my time reading the bible, studying the bible, attending religious services, hanging out with my sister, discussing my bible knowledge with my Jehovah's Witness girlfriends and heathen associates alike.
I think this is the JennWill she prefers, this one of her imagination. I know that this is the version of me that she brags about to her friends.
I'm fairly certain that is what bothers her so much about the bad qualities I choose to display around her-drinking, interacting comfortably with men around me, mentioning my non Jehovah's Witness friends and wearing scoop necks. Despite the fact that she knows all of these facts about me, every single time I order a drink, or wear a non-turtle neck she is once again horrified.
Very rarely she will let on that she has some inkling about the real me. That she knows that her made up version of me is a farce or a live action stage play that only she is participating in.
I used to prefer to be her angel. Now, not so much. I'm ready for her to be over it already. I'm weary of her up in arms response to the simplest "provocation". I want to just have verbal diarrhea let her know all the stuff I've really done, possibly shock her into some sort of mild coma which she will emerge from a changed woman...
For now I guess I will just accept her for who she is, faults and all. While hoping that she learns to take me as I am someday soon.
Running is going well. Its so interesting how quickly the progress is going. I am going to be dumber fly by Feb!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Clothes Swap...
So the running is going well. I think the hardest part is listening to my body and not pushing it harder then need be. But I'm learning. And most importantly progressing at a rate I can appreciate.
SO over the weekend I was invited to a clothes swap party. I balked at it initially; first because I didn't find out about it until the day before (my sister neglected to mention it) and secondly the idea of going through all my clothes was impossibly daunting and finally I didn't know who or how my clothes would be judged. Its one thing to give your clothes away and care less about their future its completely another to see someone else evaluate them and decide against them.
"How dare you not want the pants/shirt/dress that I no longer want and totally regret buying b/c they are in fact ugly! The nerve!"
Turns out however that the crap you are wanting to get rid of may be just what someone else was looking for. Or an item that you no longer fit, or wore one time and thought it looked odd on you-whatever the reason a clothes swap is a great way to come up on some new FREE finds and to rid yourself of items that you don't want anymore.
It obviously works best when you invite people of the same or similar size, but this particular party had shoes, purses, scarves, and jewelry. So really there can be something for everyone. I came up on a couple dresses, and a few sweaters. I wish I had brought shoes and purses, I didn't know that they were an option as well.
It was also a case study in the commonalities of women. So many of the items had the tags still attached. A few were missing buttons, or had a broken strap but had never been worn. I don't fix things. I hate going to the cleaners, I won't go buy buttons, so if something breaks or needs a replacement I may as well give it away. Which is what I did. I was surprised to learn that apparently all women have items that they bought or were given and haven't worn despite them being brand new. All of mine were "I'm totally going to fit this one day, so no need to take it back." But keeping things 5 years based on this....yeah that is a bit much.
So I recommend these. Host one, invite your friends, you may be very surprised at what you come away with!
SO over the weekend I was invited to a clothes swap party. I balked at it initially; first because I didn't find out about it until the day before (my sister neglected to mention it) and secondly the idea of going through all my clothes was impossibly daunting and finally I didn't know who or how my clothes would be judged. Its one thing to give your clothes away and care less about their future its completely another to see someone else evaluate them and decide against them.
"How dare you not want the pants/shirt/dress that I no longer want and totally regret buying b/c they are in fact ugly! The nerve!"
Turns out however that the crap you are wanting to get rid of may be just what someone else was looking for. Or an item that you no longer fit, or wore one time and thought it looked odd on you-whatever the reason a clothes swap is a great way to come up on some new FREE finds and to rid yourself of items that you don't want anymore.
It obviously works best when you invite people of the same or similar size, but this particular party had shoes, purses, scarves, and jewelry. So really there can be something for everyone. I came up on a couple dresses, and a few sweaters. I wish I had brought shoes and purses, I didn't know that they were an option as well.
It was also a case study in the commonalities of women. So many of the items had the tags still attached. A few were missing buttons, or had a broken strap but had never been worn. I don't fix things. I hate going to the cleaners, I won't go buy buttons, so if something breaks or needs a replacement I may as well give it away. Which is what I did. I was surprised to learn that apparently all women have items that they bought or were given and haven't worn despite them being brand new. All of mine were "I'm totally going to fit this one day, so no need to take it back." But keeping things 5 years based on this....yeah that is a bit much.
So I recommend these. Host one, invite your friends, you may be very surprised at what you come away with!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Day 2
So today the running was a little bit easier, but I need to get in the habit of stretching before hand.
I will clearly be keeping a weave throughout this process although I really do miss my hair. I wonder what this new way of life will mean for my hair? I guess lots of more naturally curly styles...
While I was gone last weekend a family friend died. I've known him literally my entire life, I think he was there when I was born. I grew up playing with his stuck up daughter-we probably fought more then we played. And having an enormous crush on his too old for me son, who was also the best friend of my cousin (who I was also planning to marry-I was 5 don't judge me).
Two months ago he was diagnosed with Leukemia, he talked to my step dad and told him he was "fine" he was going to fight it, and he felt pretty much ok. He died on Friday at 2am. His wife of nearly 40 years orchestrated the memorial of his death for 4pm Saturday- 400 ppl showed up, there was a repass held afterward and there was enough donated food to feed all of them.
I am so hurt for his wife and daughter (his son died 6 years ago of an asthma attack). I can't imagine waking up one morning and the person that laid next to you for decades is no longer there. Its just such a shift to be at the part of my life where people that are my parents age are falling victim to fatal illnesses.
Morbid I know, but I've been thinking of that this week.
In happy news I'm looking forward to my nightlife this weekend, trying some places i haven't yet been and keeping up my running regiment despite the fact that I am going to do my hair tonight.
I will clearly be keeping a weave throughout this process although I really do miss my hair. I wonder what this new way of life will mean for my hair? I guess lots of more naturally curly styles...
While I was gone last weekend a family friend died. I've known him literally my entire life, I think he was there when I was born. I grew up playing with his stuck up daughter-we probably fought more then we played. And having an enormous crush on his too old for me son, who was also the best friend of my cousin (who I was also planning to marry-I was 5 don't judge me).
Two months ago he was diagnosed with Leukemia, he talked to my step dad and told him he was "fine" he was going to fight it, and he felt pretty much ok. He died on Friday at 2am. His wife of nearly 40 years orchestrated the memorial of his death for 4pm Saturday- 400 ppl showed up, there was a repass held afterward and there was enough donated food to feed all of them.
I am so hurt for his wife and daughter (his son died 6 years ago of an asthma attack). I can't imagine waking up one morning and the person that laid next to you for decades is no longer there. Its just such a shift to be at the part of my life where people that are my parents age are falling victim to fatal illnesses.
Morbid I know, but I've been thinking of that this week.
In happy news I'm looking forward to my nightlife this weekend, trying some places i haven't yet been and keeping up my running regiment despite the fact that I am going to do my hair tonight.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
It begins..
Hey all,
Its been a minute right?! Jeez. There has been nothing too terribly new happening:
Work: Hate it. Not sure that I want to continue as a lawyer, but what the heck else will I do?
Love: Doesn't exist. I'm lonely, but happier by myself then being worried about the foolishness of someone else.
Health: I'm a hypochondriac, there is always something wrong (in my head).
Friends: I've been spending time with some of my married and newly married friends on the East Coast- for a moment made me wonder if I could have that sort of happiness if I moved there as well...Then I remembered-I don't want to live someplace that I don't want to be for the possibility of finding this mythical man, or this mythical relationship. I love LA like I love my family (really more then I love some of my family), we get along great, we support each other. We make each other happy, I can't leave her, we need each other. So while I am to some degree 'envious' (I use that word in quotes b/c it doesn't exactly express how I feel-I am elated/thrilled for them, they are all so deserving and well matched with their spouses, so I'm envious in that I'd like something similar for myself, not jealous) of what they all have, I am happy with my life and content to wait on whatever there is for me.
Wealth: Being poor sucks, I can see why I avoided it for so long.
It begins...So the title of this post relates to the new challenge that I have given myself. I am going to run a half marathon in February in Huntington Beach. And today was the first day of my pre-training-trying to get conditioned to run at least three miles without stopping. While I am super nervous about getting up to the training schedule immediately the reality is I can't run three miles right now. But I can start trying, and if I'm only up to running 9 miles by the time of the race, guess what I'll walk the rest. The point is, I will finish this race on February 6, 2011.
The other point is. I'm fat. And it is not a good look for me. When I have to put my hand under my chin(s) to cover up the extra ones in a photo its time to do something a little different. I've always wanted to be a runner, so here is my chance. I told everyone that I am going to do it, I posted a status message on FB that I was going to do it, and I've done lots of prelim research about it. I'm ready to get started.
And today I did. I was pleased with what I was able to do.
So I thought this might be a good time to get back to blogging. I need as much accountability as I can get, so I will be posting about the progress. I'm not sure if it will be daily or what, but I will be keeping you all abreast of my workouts. Pray for me.
Hope you all are well! Missed you!
Its been a minute right?! Jeez. There has been nothing too terribly new happening:
Work: Hate it. Not sure that I want to continue as a lawyer, but what the heck else will I do?
Love: Doesn't exist. I'm lonely, but happier by myself then being worried about the foolishness of someone else.
Health: I'm a hypochondriac, there is always something wrong (in my head).
Friends: I've been spending time with some of my married and newly married friends on the East Coast- for a moment made me wonder if I could have that sort of happiness if I moved there as well...Then I remembered-I don't want to live someplace that I don't want to be for the possibility of finding this mythical man, or this mythical relationship. I love LA like I love my family (really more then I love some of my family), we get along great, we support each other. We make each other happy, I can't leave her, we need each other. So while I am to some degree 'envious' (I use that word in quotes b/c it doesn't exactly express how I feel-I am elated/thrilled for them, they are all so deserving and well matched with their spouses, so I'm envious in that I'd like something similar for myself, not jealous) of what they all have, I am happy with my life and content to wait on whatever there is for me.
Wealth: Being poor sucks, I can see why I avoided it for so long.
It begins...So the title of this post relates to the new challenge that I have given myself. I am going to run a half marathon in February in Huntington Beach. And today was the first day of my pre-training-trying to get conditioned to run at least three miles without stopping. While I am super nervous about getting up to the training schedule immediately the reality is I can't run three miles right now. But I can start trying, and if I'm only up to running 9 miles by the time of the race, guess what I'll walk the rest. The point is, I will finish this race on February 6, 2011.
The other point is. I'm fat. And it is not a good look for me. When I have to put my hand under my chin(s) to cover up the extra ones in a photo its time to do something a little different. I've always wanted to be a runner, so here is my chance. I told everyone that I am going to do it, I posted a status message on FB that I was going to do it, and I've done lots of prelim research about it. I'm ready to get started.
And today I did. I was pleased with what I was able to do.
So I thought this might be a good time to get back to blogging. I need as much accountability as I can get, so I will be posting about the progress. I'm not sure if it will be daily or what, but I will be keeping you all abreast of my workouts. Pray for me.
Hope you all are well! Missed you!
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