To know me is to know that I have a complicated relationship with my mother. She loves me I love her. And I to us it seems perfectly normal. But when I look at other people's relationships with thier mothers I can't help but note how different we are.
My mother knows nothing about me. She doesn't know about any man I've ever loved, she doesn't even know that I've been in love. To her knowledge I've never kissed a boy. She knows only a very small segment of my friends, and even them she only knows through descriptions like "you remember the girl...". In her world all my friends are lovely young women, Christian-preferably Jehovah's Witnesses, black, wholesome, modestly dressed women. I spend my time reading the bible, studying the bible, attending religious services, hanging out with my sister, discussing my bible knowledge with my Jehovah's Witness girlfriends and heathen associates alike.
I think this is the JennWill she prefers, this one of her imagination. I know that this is the version of me that she brags about to her friends.
I'm fairly certain that is what bothers her so much about the bad qualities I choose to display around her-drinking, interacting comfortably with men around me, mentioning my non Jehovah's Witness friends and wearing scoop necks. Despite the fact that she knows all of these facts about me, every single time I order a drink, or wear a non-turtle neck she is once again horrified.
Very rarely she will let on that she has some inkling about the real me. That she knows that her made up version of me is a farce or a live action stage play that only she is participating in.
I used to prefer to be her angel. Now, not so much. I'm ready for her to be over it already. I'm weary of her up in arms response to the simplest "provocation". I want to just have verbal diarrhea let her know all the stuff I've really done, possibly shock her into some sort of mild coma which she will emerge from a changed woman...
For now I guess I will just accept her for who she is, faults and all. While hoping that she learns to take me as I am someday soon.
Running is going well. Its so interesting how quickly the progress is going. I am going to be dumber fly by Feb!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Can I be honest and say that this just made me sad?
I forget... do you have sisters?
It's not really that sad, I mean I can see how it would be sad to you because its so foreign to you, and to you too Mia.
But this is standard for me and my mom. She is from the school of thought that kids and parents are not friends, and that no matter how old I am, I am still her child and therefore not her friend. Leaving her free to 'mother' me until the day I die. She means well, and in her mind HAS to help me see the light, be the light, adhere to the light.
I find it irritating and a limit to our relationship she thinks its love.
So what are you going to do..."Mom, you are loving me all wrong, pull it together!"?
So I deal.
I do have a sister, and due to her years of being who she is with careless disregard for the feelings of anyone, especially my mother, there is no expectation of her. My mother doesn't expect anything, ask of her anything, and treads very lightly in telling her anything for fear of my sister going off on her and then cutting her off. I have no such threat, I can't do that. We upset each other, I take a couple days off and we're back. She has nothing to fear with me nothing to lose-my sister has gone 5 years without uttering a word to my mother....
Its the gift and curse that is family...
soooo....your Mother thinks I'm a heathen!?!?
Post a Comment