In an effort to feel better...
I told the ghost that he was complicating my life and I couldn't take it. He's backed off. Which is much better.
I told Mr. Be Patient that I needed to not talk to him for a while. I know its whats best for my mental health, for my state of mind, its the only way to finally fully heal, and to be honest it feels like he is driving me literally crazy and I can't have that. But i don't feel better...no weight has been lifted...it just feels idiotic to cut out someone who makes me very happy about 30% of the time...but that 70% really sucks, and I deserve better. So i'll just wait till it feels better, till i don't think about him, till this blows over.
in the meantime i think my stolen phone may be a bit of blessing...I now have a valid reason to get the new hotness that i've been wanting, and i get a break from the phone for a week or so. while i do feel like i'm missing something, and i do kinda worry that I will blow a tire and be a mile from the nearest call box, but its nice to go home in the evenings and not have to worry about talking to and catching up with "everyone". plus i can't call or text him...
"How many times does it take to learn just one thing,
'cause I keep ending up here
And I'm not a scientist so I just keep on praying that I won't
Keep getting the same results each day
I said that I can't be with you
But when you turn away I pull back your hands to stay" Goaple "Catch 22"
I've always loved that song. I also discovered Raul Midon this morning. I was familiar with a few of his songs, but now I know his name...he's great. Eric Roberson is back in town this Sunday even though I just saw him, and I was just saying that I was going to sit down this weekend and chill...I can't bring myself to miss him. He moves me, consoles me, speaks to and about me...I can't miss that...I need that.
So yeah no phone, the new phone I want comes out on Monday, it will take a couple days to get to me...I can wait...somehow I managed to live and not get stranded on a regular basis before I had a cell phone. I'm sure I can manage for another 7 days...
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
Thursday, September 06, 2007
The latest...
...I love the song "Make you feel beautiful" by Ruben Studdard. Definitely the best song he ever did. I love it when people give me genuine compliments. Not some half drunk dude telling me I'm sexy or some big burly dude telling me to "come here, you pretty" at wal-mart. One of the best compliments I ever got was from this guy I sat down next to at a TYP event who when I sat down said "You know why all these men are staring at you right? I mean yes you are beautiful, but look at your face-who wouldn't want their children to have that face. Your genes would make beautiful kids." That made me feel beautiful.
...Lawyers are a bunch of children. They are fussy, can't sit still, always complaining, always bickering, always trying to out do someone else. I'm at a deposition in a hotel conference room with over 25 attorneys. Most of these ppl practice this particular law for their firms and so they regularly see each other at these depositions. These sort of depositions last for what feels like an eternity (I too am a lawyer and therefore a complaining whiny child about having to sit in an air conditioned room all day cruising the internet and taking notes on occassion) we've been at it for a total of three days and someone estimated it could go as long as three weeks....THREE WEEKS hearing this man explain in excruciating detail every single pipe, copper, lead, iron or otherwise, that he ever laid in CA or Ohio over his nearly 50 year working career....the upside and the reason that really none of us should be complaining is that we are for the most part paid well, and really we are not working that hard, if at all, while we are here, plus the billing is awesome...but its boring, and since we are all a bunch of impatient lawyers regardless of the positives all we talk about are the negatives, and show up each day hoping the plaintiff doesn't feel that good today so we can get out of here early.
...That's the other thing. This job makes me insensitive. I should say-more insensitive. Here I am at this deposition because this gentleman is asserting that one or all of our companies products exposed him to enough asbestos so as to give him lung disease. Lung disease is bad and I know that. But prior to meeting the man he was just a case, a stack of papers on my desk, exaggerations by his attorneys, court hearings, and a discussion of strategy about how to get out of this. when asked if i could attend this deposition I told my paralegal-only if he's dying, if he isn't dying I don't want to go, b/c the un-sick ones talk too much and too long. But sitting here that first day, meeting him, hearing him talk about how miserable his life has been since his diagnosis i couldn't help but feel bad. His life is in its final months/years, and all I can think about is how I hope he gets worn out sooner rather then later so I can get out of here. I understand why ppl think lawyers have no souls, we deal with death and injury in the abstract-not as a plight of the human condition but instead as lies and exaggerations to weasel monies out of our clients. It gets hard to feel bad for ppl who slip and fall end up with a bruise and torn pants and then seek a million dollars. And to think I used to be known as a "bleeding-heart liberal"...
...The Beyonce Experience was an experience, to say the least. She was surreal. Tonight I'm seeing Eric Roberson...this is a great week for music.
...I'm not a patient person. The entire time my parents were here, my dad kept saying "you need to learn to wait, everything is not right now, practice patience". I'm impatient. But I've been asked to wait. And while it is for something that I want, waiting just doesn't seem fair...why should I have to wait, I would never ask that of someone...and how do I know that the payoff really exists, or that it will be what I want/need...that requires faith...so now you're asking for patience and faith, belief in the assured expectation of things hoped for though not beheld. Have I really been assured? Do I really believe? Who knows...
...My firm retreat is this weekend. I am hype. Resort hotel, open bars, the beach, just the type of solo retreat that I need. My work friends might have some hurt feelings when I opt to hole up dolo in my hotel room...I love nice hotels...so relaxing. So yeah i'm hype.
...Lawyers are a bunch of children. They are fussy, can't sit still, always complaining, always bickering, always trying to out do someone else. I'm at a deposition in a hotel conference room with over 25 attorneys. Most of these ppl practice this particular law for their firms and so they regularly see each other at these depositions. These sort of depositions last for what feels like an eternity (I too am a lawyer and therefore a complaining whiny child about having to sit in an air conditioned room all day cruising the internet and taking notes on occassion) we've been at it for a total of three days and someone estimated it could go as long as three weeks....THREE WEEKS hearing this man explain in excruciating detail every single pipe, copper, lead, iron or otherwise, that he ever laid in CA or Ohio over his nearly 50 year working career....the upside and the reason that really none of us should be complaining is that we are for the most part paid well, and really we are not working that hard, if at all, while we are here, plus the billing is awesome...but its boring, and since we are all a bunch of impatient lawyers regardless of the positives all we talk about are the negatives, and show up each day hoping the plaintiff doesn't feel that good today so we can get out of here early.
...That's the other thing. This job makes me insensitive. I should say-more insensitive. Here I am at this deposition because this gentleman is asserting that one or all of our companies products exposed him to enough asbestos so as to give him lung disease. Lung disease is bad and I know that. But prior to meeting the man he was just a case, a stack of papers on my desk, exaggerations by his attorneys, court hearings, and a discussion of strategy about how to get out of this. when asked if i could attend this deposition I told my paralegal-only if he's dying, if he isn't dying I don't want to go, b/c the un-sick ones talk too much and too long. But sitting here that first day, meeting him, hearing him talk about how miserable his life has been since his diagnosis i couldn't help but feel bad. His life is in its final months/years, and all I can think about is how I hope he gets worn out sooner rather then later so I can get out of here. I understand why ppl think lawyers have no souls, we deal with death and injury in the abstract-not as a plight of the human condition but instead as lies and exaggerations to weasel monies out of our clients. It gets hard to feel bad for ppl who slip and fall end up with a bruise and torn pants and then seek a million dollars. And to think I used to be known as a "bleeding-heart liberal"...
...The Beyonce Experience was an experience, to say the least. She was surreal. Tonight I'm seeing Eric Roberson...this is a great week for music.
...I'm not a patient person. The entire time my parents were here, my dad kept saying "you need to learn to wait, everything is not right now, practice patience". I'm impatient. But I've been asked to wait. And while it is for something that I want, waiting just doesn't seem fair...why should I have to wait, I would never ask that of someone...and how do I know that the payoff really exists, or that it will be what I want/need...that requires faith...so now you're asking for patience and faith, belief in the assured expectation of things hoped for though not beheld. Have I really been assured? Do I really believe? Who knows...
...My firm retreat is this weekend. I am hype. Resort hotel, open bars, the beach, just the type of solo retreat that I need. My work friends might have some hurt feelings when I opt to hole up dolo in my hotel room...I love nice hotels...so relaxing. So yeah i'm hype.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
"All By Myself"
I'm a girl, and like all girls I go out in groups, or at the very least with one other girl. I need someone to validate my outfit, someone to whisper to when ppl are staring at us, someone to laugh when I point out laughable outfits, hairstyles/cuts, gold fronts etc...Someone to talk to in between conversations with strangers, someone to save me from conversations with strangers...its what girls do when we go out.
Last night I became a woman.
This chick that I was supposed to go out with came down with a headache just moments before we were supposed to go out. I was all dressed and ready to go when she told me that she wasn't going and I had already told some people that I would be up there. So I had to make some decisions, the two ppl that I thought might come out hadn't exactly vowed to meet me, and I knew one of them to be notoriously late, so I could either go and wait and see if R would meet me, or call him and try to coordinate our arrival times.
I opted to just go and let be whatever was going to be. I got there just before 11, grabbed a drink, did my standard walk around the venue to see who or what I could see, found a spot to settle, in my usual circle lounge (this was the 3J spot, the venue and the circle lounge itself, many a laugh was had here), where I could hear the music and chilled. I drank, I danced, joked with a chick that was sitting near me, and all around had a good time all by dang self! R showed up a little over an hour later we relocated to the patio, chatted and ppl watched outside.
I left him briefly to go inside and all of a sudden couldn't get three feet without being stopped by someone. I told R how strange it was since, I had been there for an hour all by my lonesome-no one talked to me, some looks, but no one actually approached me, now all of a sudden everyone has something to say. He explained that since I had now been spotted with a man I was now a commodity. Hmmm. Interesting.
It was a fun evening. I was very proud of myself for going out dolo, and having a good time by myself. I told R that with 1J already gone and another on the way out of CA, I need to prepare myself to get used to going out alone.
I'm a woman, I can take it.
Last night I became a woman.
This chick that I was supposed to go out with came down with a headache just moments before we were supposed to go out. I was all dressed and ready to go when she told me that she wasn't going and I had already told some people that I would be up there. So I had to make some decisions, the two ppl that I thought might come out hadn't exactly vowed to meet me, and I knew one of them to be notoriously late, so I could either go and wait and see if R would meet me, or call him and try to coordinate our arrival times.
I opted to just go and let be whatever was going to be. I got there just before 11, grabbed a drink, did my standard walk around the venue to see who or what I could see, found a spot to settle, in my usual circle lounge (this was the 3J spot, the venue and the circle lounge itself, many a laugh was had here), where I could hear the music and chilled. I drank, I danced, joked with a chick that was sitting near me, and all around had a good time all by dang self! R showed up a little over an hour later we relocated to the patio, chatted and ppl watched outside.
I left him briefly to go inside and all of a sudden couldn't get three feet without being stopped by someone. I told R how strange it was since, I had been there for an hour all by my lonesome-no one talked to me, some looks, but no one actually approached me, now all of a sudden everyone has something to say. He explained that since I had now been spotted with a man I was now a commodity. Hmmm. Interesting.
It was a fun evening. I was very proud of myself for going out dolo, and having a good time by myself. I told R that with 1J already gone and another on the way out of CA, I need to prepare myself to get used to going out alone.
I'm a woman, I can take it.
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