Here is the beauty of my new found "like" for exercise (it ain't love yet and I doubt that I am hard wired that way, but it is growing on me)...after I'm done, in that hour or so after I just feel so peaceful, so calm.
Its the feeling afterward that makes it so worthwhile. Now if only I could eat right.
But I am feeling good, feeling great, thanks for all the support and well wishes!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Hey kids!!
As I sat watching Beaches this afternoon, and therefore crying (why I ever watch this movie, Terms of Endearment or Steel Magnolia's, I will never know. Do I like crying? Sad things? Watching other ppl cry??) I thought of how much I adore my friends and needed to reach out to them to let them know it. I am fortunate that most of those friends read my blog giving me the ability to say that I love you all, am praying for good things in the lives of you all, and am reveling in all of your successes.
I think we sometimes discount what it is to be a woman and the girlfriends that we have, we complain about how catty women can be, how petty, irrational, emotional, dramatic and just generally irritating our gender is. But despite, or perhaps because of, these characteristics we have it so much better then men. Our relationships with our friends are so much richer, and long lasting. Obviously I think men have great friendships that span generations as well, but when you think about your Dad, I bet he doesn't have as many friends as your mother, I bet he doesn't spend nearly as much time with his friends as your mom does. I'm sure their relationships are fulfilling or satisfying in their own right, but I just think that we as women get such a better deal from our friendships.
I have girlfriends on other continents, across various time zones, some that I talk to weekly, some that I talk to annually. I'm blessed that these relationships are so rich that they can endure any distance, or time frame between communications. I really am fortunate, I have awesome ppl in my life.
So that is my ode to friends that Beaches inspired.
What else has been happening with me...
1. Marathon training is going really well. My sister and I are up to 6 miles, which means we are about half-way to the total 13 miles on race day (feb 6th, Superbowl Sunday). I am running more and much easier/better then before. But still not up to the distances that I would like to be. However I think 2011 will be my year of races...there is a 5k in March that I would like to do and another half marathon in June and then I don't know, we shall see. Basically I need an event to prepare for, something not involving pounds but some other measure of success-although i must say I was looking at my profile before I got dressed the other morning and was like "dangggggggggg, that body is looking good!!"
2. It has been raining like somebody somewhere recently built an ark that I wasn't invited to. And I think the combo of the weather, the time of year (social events slow down) and I don't know what else have been leaving me feeling incredibly lonely. Like call up all the old exes, entertain the advances of the clearly unworthy, and genuinely blush at compliments from homeless men. Sadly, there is only one of these things that i HAVEN'T done. Got dang loneliness. Sadly there isn't much to be done about it other then be patient. So I'm trying to do so, I assure you it ain't easy.
3. I think I am too involved in the outcome of Laker games, the season etc. I get entirely too upset when they lose, when they lose and I feel like the announcers are being unfair, when they lose and should have definitely won...basically when they lose I get seriously pissy. It is not cute. I have to remind myself that not only do I not have money riding on any of these games, but I am not on the Laker payroll, nor is anyone on the payroll checking for me to wife me up. So I need to simmer down. But it does make me wonder what do cities do that have losing teams? How sad that must be. I have been so spoiled by the Lakers, my lifetime has been Showtime with Magic, Kareem and Worthy, then Kobe and Shaq, and now Kobe, Gasol, Fisher. Granted there was a time period in there when the Lakeshow weren't champions but even then we went to the playoffs! Fyi, this last discussion was in no way to suggest that season or any season in the near future would be a losing one for the Lakers, we are barely a third of the way through the season and for the past couple of seasons there is always talk that the Lakers aren't performing well, aren't playing championship basketball, etc. Two championships later, and the next one on the way.
4. Work has been really great lately. A seriously chance meeting at court has brought me to a partnership with an excellent group of people, who have a similar work ethic and sensibilities related to how we treat clients. It has been an excellent working relationship and I am once again proud of the work that I am doing and energized about being a lawyer.
5. This holiday season has been strangely devoid of marathons. Where is the Law and Order Marathon?? what am i supposed to watch all day on xmas when everything is closed??
6. My tv in my living room died on me. I know I shouldn't be happy about it, because Lord knows there are other things I could spend my money on that are more practical and important. But truth be told I am HYPE to get a new tv. While I should be researching all my options, the reality is I'm just going to let my sister tell me what TV to get and call it a day. I'm already overwhelming myself trying to find the newest possible technology so that at least I can feel like I have the new hotness for about 2.5 seconds until the new thing comes out making the tv I just got completely obsolete.
7.I am desperate for another vacation and am planning something in Mexico for Feb. I cannot wait. Two of my dearest will be joining me for sun, beach, relaxing, partying, for a few glorious days in Feb. I also need to go see my parents or plan some sort of vacay with them next year. I would love to get all my friends on one trip, like a cruise or something. Its not that I particularly love cruises but I like how it is inexpensive, allowing ppl to pay over time, and you can get everyone at the same place without everyone having to do the same stuff. I'd love the opportunity to get with all my friends, all of their spouses and just spend the week chopping it up in exotic places. Can we be the younger/happier version of the "why did I get married" crew?!
There are always so many other random thoughts that I tell myself to write about..dah well I'll try to catch those up next time.
As I sat watching Beaches this afternoon, and therefore crying (why I ever watch this movie, Terms of Endearment or Steel Magnolia's, I will never know. Do I like crying? Sad things? Watching other ppl cry??) I thought of how much I adore my friends and needed to reach out to them to let them know it. I am fortunate that most of those friends read my blog giving me the ability to say that I love you all, am praying for good things in the lives of you all, and am reveling in all of your successes.
I think we sometimes discount what it is to be a woman and the girlfriends that we have, we complain about how catty women can be, how petty, irrational, emotional, dramatic and just generally irritating our gender is. But despite, or perhaps because of, these characteristics we have it so much better then men. Our relationships with our friends are so much richer, and long lasting. Obviously I think men have great friendships that span generations as well, but when you think about your Dad, I bet he doesn't have as many friends as your mother, I bet he doesn't spend nearly as much time with his friends as your mom does. I'm sure their relationships are fulfilling or satisfying in their own right, but I just think that we as women get such a better deal from our friendships.
I have girlfriends on other continents, across various time zones, some that I talk to weekly, some that I talk to annually. I'm blessed that these relationships are so rich that they can endure any distance, or time frame between communications. I really am fortunate, I have awesome ppl in my life.
So that is my ode to friends that Beaches inspired.
What else has been happening with me...
1. Marathon training is going really well. My sister and I are up to 6 miles, which means we are about half-way to the total 13 miles on race day (feb 6th, Superbowl Sunday). I am running more and much easier/better then before. But still not up to the distances that I would like to be. However I think 2011 will be my year of races...there is a 5k in March that I would like to do and another half marathon in June and then I don't know, we shall see. Basically I need an event to prepare for, something not involving pounds but some other measure of success-although i must say I was looking at my profile before I got dressed the other morning and was like "dangggggggggg, that body is looking good!!"
2. It has been raining like somebody somewhere recently built an ark that I wasn't invited to. And I think the combo of the weather, the time of year (social events slow down) and I don't know what else have been leaving me feeling incredibly lonely. Like call up all the old exes, entertain the advances of the clearly unworthy, and genuinely blush at compliments from homeless men. Sadly, there is only one of these things that i HAVEN'T done. Got dang loneliness. Sadly there isn't much to be done about it other then be patient. So I'm trying to do so, I assure you it ain't easy.
3. I think I am too involved in the outcome of Laker games, the season etc. I get entirely too upset when they lose, when they lose and I feel like the announcers are being unfair, when they lose and should have definitely won...basically when they lose I get seriously pissy. It is not cute. I have to remind myself that not only do I not have money riding on any of these games, but I am not on the Laker payroll, nor is anyone on the payroll checking for me to wife me up. So I need to simmer down. But it does make me wonder what do cities do that have losing teams? How sad that must be. I have been so spoiled by the Lakers, my lifetime has been Showtime with Magic, Kareem and Worthy, then Kobe and Shaq, and now Kobe, Gasol, Fisher. Granted there was a time period in there when the Lakeshow weren't champions but even then we went to the playoffs! Fyi, this last discussion was in no way to suggest that season or any season in the near future would be a losing one for the Lakers, we are barely a third of the way through the season and for the past couple of seasons there is always talk that the Lakers aren't performing well, aren't playing championship basketball, etc. Two championships later, and the next one on the way.
4. Work has been really great lately. A seriously chance meeting at court has brought me to a partnership with an excellent group of people, who have a similar work ethic and sensibilities related to how we treat clients. It has been an excellent working relationship and I am once again proud of the work that I am doing and energized about being a lawyer.
5. This holiday season has been strangely devoid of marathons. Where is the Law and Order Marathon?? what am i supposed to watch all day on xmas when everything is closed??
6. My tv in my living room died on me. I know I shouldn't be happy about it, because Lord knows there are other things I could spend my money on that are more practical and important. But truth be told I am HYPE to get a new tv. While I should be researching all my options, the reality is I'm just going to let my sister tell me what TV to get and call it a day. I'm already overwhelming myself trying to find the newest possible technology so that at least I can feel like I have the new hotness for about 2.5 seconds until the new thing comes out making the tv I just got completely obsolete.
7.I am desperate for another vacation and am planning something in Mexico for Feb. I cannot wait. Two of my dearest will be joining me for sun, beach, relaxing, partying, for a few glorious days in Feb. I also need to go see my parents or plan some sort of vacay with them next year. I would love to get all my friends on one trip, like a cruise or something. Its not that I particularly love cruises but I like how it is inexpensive, allowing ppl to pay over time, and you can get everyone at the same place without everyone having to do the same stuff. I'd love the opportunity to get with all my friends, all of their spouses and just spend the week chopping it up in exotic places. Can we be the younger/happier version of the "why did I get married" crew?!
There are always so many other random thoughts that I tell myself to write about..dah well I'll try to catch those up next time.
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
Run update....
I bought the ugliest shoes I have ever purchased in my life yesterday. And they were $100. I, JennWill, purchased shoes for comfort rather then aesthetic. Its a novel concept.
Running shoes, I finally got my running shoes! YAY, I'm a runner now. If being a runner means owning running shoes.
Also, running outside SUCKS monkey balls. The shoes really help and make all the difference in the world though. Shin splints weren't as much of a problem, I just need to get my breath under control...Its getting there. We are 12 weeks away!
Running shoes, I finally got my running shoes! YAY, I'm a runner now. If being a runner means owning running shoes.
Also, running outside SUCKS monkey balls. The shoes really help and make all the difference in the world though. Shin splints weren't as much of a problem, I just need to get my breath under control...Its getting there. We are 12 weeks away!
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Good stuff...
So I have been a running fool ya'll! I made the mistake of taking my skinny friend's personal experience of being able to eat anything she wants and still remain skinny during her marathon training to heart for myself.
Is it tragic that my life's dream is to be slim and trim while eating pasta with alfredo sauce on a nightly basis? So hearing her say that she gets to carbo load with no repercussions fed right into my food porn addiction.
Seriously I have a food porn problem. Top Chef: Just Desserts. I almost have to watch it alone. Have you seen this mess? Gorgeous confections all dolled up, under flattering lighting and money shot camera angles...Ay dios mio. I always leave that show wanting a donut.
Apparently all this sweating is doing some wonders for my skin, it has been looking fab lately! And surprise of all surprises my cut is growing out really cute albeit a little asymmetrical...sa sa sa salt and pepas here! I do have to figure out something about all this sweating my hair out situation. I put it in a tight ponytail to keep the roots from growing too much. But somehow the sweat just ends up wicked onto the ponytail holder, and my hair just wet...Fortunately it ends up cute when I curl it. But all this curling and slaving over my curling iron is for the birds. Back to the weave I go!
Anyway wanted to let you know the update on the running. I am learning to be patient with my progress but am happy with where I am at right now. Plus when I was taking a shower and flexed my leg to shave it I saw that thigh running muscle looking almost defined!! Aww ish, let me find out I got some visible muscles in my leg (I only verfied one, so I can't say plural legs)!!!
Is it tragic that my life's dream is to be slim and trim while eating pasta with alfredo sauce on a nightly basis? So hearing her say that she gets to carbo load with no repercussions fed right into my food porn addiction.
Seriously I have a food porn problem. Top Chef: Just Desserts. I almost have to watch it alone. Have you seen this mess? Gorgeous confections all dolled up, under flattering lighting and money shot camera angles...Ay dios mio. I always leave that show wanting a donut.
Apparently all this sweating is doing some wonders for my skin, it has been looking fab lately! And surprise of all surprises my cut is growing out really cute albeit a little asymmetrical...sa sa sa salt and pepas here! I do have to figure out something about all this sweating my hair out situation. I put it in a tight ponytail to keep the roots from growing too much. But somehow the sweat just ends up wicked onto the ponytail holder, and my hair just wet...Fortunately it ends up cute when I curl it. But all this curling and slaving over my curling iron is for the birds. Back to the weave I go!
Anyway wanted to let you know the update on the running. I am learning to be patient with my progress but am happy with where I am at right now. Plus when I was taking a shower and flexed my leg to shave it I saw that thigh running muscle looking almost defined!! Aww ish, let me find out I got some visible muscles in my leg (I only verfied one, so I can't say plural legs)!!!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Of moms and daughters...
To know me is to know that I have a complicated relationship with my mother. She loves me I love her. And I to us it seems perfectly normal. But when I look at other people's relationships with thier mothers I can't help but note how different we are.
My mother knows nothing about me. She doesn't know about any man I've ever loved, she doesn't even know that I've been in love. To her knowledge I've never kissed a boy. She knows only a very small segment of my friends, and even them she only knows through descriptions like "you remember the girl...". In her world all my friends are lovely young women, Christian-preferably Jehovah's Witnesses, black, wholesome, modestly dressed women. I spend my time reading the bible, studying the bible, attending religious services, hanging out with my sister, discussing my bible knowledge with my Jehovah's Witness girlfriends and heathen associates alike.
I think this is the JennWill she prefers, this one of her imagination. I know that this is the version of me that she brags about to her friends.
I'm fairly certain that is what bothers her so much about the bad qualities I choose to display around her-drinking, interacting comfortably with men around me, mentioning my non Jehovah's Witness friends and wearing scoop necks. Despite the fact that she knows all of these facts about me, every single time I order a drink, or wear a non-turtle neck she is once again horrified.
Very rarely she will let on that she has some inkling about the real me. That she knows that her made up version of me is a farce or a live action stage play that only she is participating in.
I used to prefer to be her angel. Now, not so much. I'm ready for her to be over it already. I'm weary of her up in arms response to the simplest "provocation". I want to just have verbal diarrhea let her know all the stuff I've really done, possibly shock her into some sort of mild coma which she will emerge from a changed woman...
For now I guess I will just accept her for who she is, faults and all. While hoping that she learns to take me as I am someday soon.
Running is going well. Its so interesting how quickly the progress is going. I am going to be dumber fly by Feb!
My mother knows nothing about me. She doesn't know about any man I've ever loved, she doesn't even know that I've been in love. To her knowledge I've never kissed a boy. She knows only a very small segment of my friends, and even them she only knows through descriptions like "you remember the girl...". In her world all my friends are lovely young women, Christian-preferably Jehovah's Witnesses, black, wholesome, modestly dressed women. I spend my time reading the bible, studying the bible, attending religious services, hanging out with my sister, discussing my bible knowledge with my Jehovah's Witness girlfriends and heathen associates alike.
I think this is the JennWill she prefers, this one of her imagination. I know that this is the version of me that she brags about to her friends.
I'm fairly certain that is what bothers her so much about the bad qualities I choose to display around her-drinking, interacting comfortably with men around me, mentioning my non Jehovah's Witness friends and wearing scoop necks. Despite the fact that she knows all of these facts about me, every single time I order a drink, or wear a non-turtle neck she is once again horrified.
Very rarely she will let on that she has some inkling about the real me. That she knows that her made up version of me is a farce or a live action stage play that only she is participating in.
I used to prefer to be her angel. Now, not so much. I'm ready for her to be over it already. I'm weary of her up in arms response to the simplest "provocation". I want to just have verbal diarrhea let her know all the stuff I've really done, possibly shock her into some sort of mild coma which she will emerge from a changed woman...
For now I guess I will just accept her for who she is, faults and all. While hoping that she learns to take me as I am someday soon.
Running is going well. Its so interesting how quickly the progress is going. I am going to be dumber fly by Feb!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Clothes Swap...
So the running is going well. I think the hardest part is listening to my body and not pushing it harder then need be. But I'm learning. And most importantly progressing at a rate I can appreciate.
SO over the weekend I was invited to a clothes swap party. I balked at it initially; first because I didn't find out about it until the day before (my sister neglected to mention it) and secondly the idea of going through all my clothes was impossibly daunting and finally I didn't know who or how my clothes would be judged. Its one thing to give your clothes away and care less about their future its completely another to see someone else evaluate them and decide against them.
"How dare you not want the pants/shirt/dress that I no longer want and totally regret buying b/c they are in fact ugly! The nerve!"
Turns out however that the crap you are wanting to get rid of may be just what someone else was looking for. Or an item that you no longer fit, or wore one time and thought it looked odd on you-whatever the reason a clothes swap is a great way to come up on some new FREE finds and to rid yourself of items that you don't want anymore.
It obviously works best when you invite people of the same or similar size, but this particular party had shoes, purses, scarves, and jewelry. So really there can be something for everyone. I came up on a couple dresses, and a few sweaters. I wish I had brought shoes and purses, I didn't know that they were an option as well.
It was also a case study in the commonalities of women. So many of the items had the tags still attached. A few were missing buttons, or had a broken strap but had never been worn. I don't fix things. I hate going to the cleaners, I won't go buy buttons, so if something breaks or needs a replacement I may as well give it away. Which is what I did. I was surprised to learn that apparently all women have items that they bought or were given and haven't worn despite them being brand new. All of mine were "I'm totally going to fit this one day, so no need to take it back." But keeping things 5 years based on this....yeah that is a bit much.
So I recommend these. Host one, invite your friends, you may be very surprised at what you come away with!
SO over the weekend I was invited to a clothes swap party. I balked at it initially; first because I didn't find out about it until the day before (my sister neglected to mention it) and secondly the idea of going through all my clothes was impossibly daunting and finally I didn't know who or how my clothes would be judged. Its one thing to give your clothes away and care less about their future its completely another to see someone else evaluate them and decide against them.
"How dare you not want the pants/shirt/dress that I no longer want and totally regret buying b/c they are in fact ugly! The nerve!"
Turns out however that the crap you are wanting to get rid of may be just what someone else was looking for. Or an item that you no longer fit, or wore one time and thought it looked odd on you-whatever the reason a clothes swap is a great way to come up on some new FREE finds and to rid yourself of items that you don't want anymore.
It obviously works best when you invite people of the same or similar size, but this particular party had shoes, purses, scarves, and jewelry. So really there can be something for everyone. I came up on a couple dresses, and a few sweaters. I wish I had brought shoes and purses, I didn't know that they were an option as well.
It was also a case study in the commonalities of women. So many of the items had the tags still attached. A few were missing buttons, or had a broken strap but had never been worn. I don't fix things. I hate going to the cleaners, I won't go buy buttons, so if something breaks or needs a replacement I may as well give it away. Which is what I did. I was surprised to learn that apparently all women have items that they bought or were given and haven't worn despite them being brand new. All of mine were "I'm totally going to fit this one day, so no need to take it back." But keeping things 5 years based on this....yeah that is a bit much.
So I recommend these. Host one, invite your friends, you may be very surprised at what you come away with!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Day 2
So today the running was a little bit easier, but I need to get in the habit of stretching before hand.
I will clearly be keeping a weave throughout this process although I really do miss my hair. I wonder what this new way of life will mean for my hair? I guess lots of more naturally curly styles...
While I was gone last weekend a family friend died. I've known him literally my entire life, I think he was there when I was born. I grew up playing with his stuck up daughter-we probably fought more then we played. And having an enormous crush on his too old for me son, who was also the best friend of my cousin (who I was also planning to marry-I was 5 don't judge me).
Two months ago he was diagnosed with Leukemia, he talked to my step dad and told him he was "fine" he was going to fight it, and he felt pretty much ok. He died on Friday at 2am. His wife of nearly 40 years orchestrated the memorial of his death for 4pm Saturday- 400 ppl showed up, there was a repass held afterward and there was enough donated food to feed all of them.
I am so hurt for his wife and daughter (his son died 6 years ago of an asthma attack). I can't imagine waking up one morning and the person that laid next to you for decades is no longer there. Its just such a shift to be at the part of my life where people that are my parents age are falling victim to fatal illnesses.
Morbid I know, but I've been thinking of that this week.
In happy news I'm looking forward to my nightlife this weekend, trying some places i haven't yet been and keeping up my running regiment despite the fact that I am going to do my hair tonight.
I will clearly be keeping a weave throughout this process although I really do miss my hair. I wonder what this new way of life will mean for my hair? I guess lots of more naturally curly styles...
While I was gone last weekend a family friend died. I've known him literally my entire life, I think he was there when I was born. I grew up playing with his stuck up daughter-we probably fought more then we played. And having an enormous crush on his too old for me son, who was also the best friend of my cousin (who I was also planning to marry-I was 5 don't judge me).
Two months ago he was diagnosed with Leukemia, he talked to my step dad and told him he was "fine" he was going to fight it, and he felt pretty much ok. He died on Friday at 2am. His wife of nearly 40 years orchestrated the memorial of his death for 4pm Saturday- 400 ppl showed up, there was a repass held afterward and there was enough donated food to feed all of them.
I am so hurt for his wife and daughter (his son died 6 years ago of an asthma attack). I can't imagine waking up one morning and the person that laid next to you for decades is no longer there. Its just such a shift to be at the part of my life where people that are my parents age are falling victim to fatal illnesses.
Morbid I know, but I've been thinking of that this week.
In happy news I'm looking forward to my nightlife this weekend, trying some places i haven't yet been and keeping up my running regiment despite the fact that I am going to do my hair tonight.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
It begins..
Hey all,
Its been a minute right?! Jeez. There has been nothing too terribly new happening:
Work: Hate it. Not sure that I want to continue as a lawyer, but what the heck else will I do?
Love: Doesn't exist. I'm lonely, but happier by myself then being worried about the foolishness of someone else.
Health: I'm a hypochondriac, there is always something wrong (in my head).
Friends: I've been spending time with some of my married and newly married friends on the East Coast- for a moment made me wonder if I could have that sort of happiness if I moved there as well...Then I remembered-I don't want to live someplace that I don't want to be for the possibility of finding this mythical man, or this mythical relationship. I love LA like I love my family (really more then I love some of my family), we get along great, we support each other. We make each other happy, I can't leave her, we need each other. So while I am to some degree 'envious' (I use that word in quotes b/c it doesn't exactly express how I feel-I am elated/thrilled for them, they are all so deserving and well matched with their spouses, so I'm envious in that I'd like something similar for myself, not jealous) of what they all have, I am happy with my life and content to wait on whatever there is for me.
Wealth: Being poor sucks, I can see why I avoided it for so long.
It begins...So the title of this post relates to the new challenge that I have given myself. I am going to run a half marathon in February in Huntington Beach. And today was the first day of my pre-training-trying to get conditioned to run at least three miles without stopping. While I am super nervous about getting up to the training schedule immediately the reality is I can't run three miles right now. But I can start trying, and if I'm only up to running 9 miles by the time of the race, guess what I'll walk the rest. The point is, I will finish this race on February 6, 2011.
The other point is. I'm fat. And it is not a good look for me. When I have to put my hand under my chin(s) to cover up the extra ones in a photo its time to do something a little different. I've always wanted to be a runner, so here is my chance. I told everyone that I am going to do it, I posted a status message on FB that I was going to do it, and I've done lots of prelim research about it. I'm ready to get started.
And today I did. I was pleased with what I was able to do.
So I thought this might be a good time to get back to blogging. I need as much accountability as I can get, so I will be posting about the progress. I'm not sure if it will be daily or what, but I will be keeping you all abreast of my workouts. Pray for me.
Hope you all are well! Missed you!
Its been a minute right?! Jeez. There has been nothing too terribly new happening:
Work: Hate it. Not sure that I want to continue as a lawyer, but what the heck else will I do?
Love: Doesn't exist. I'm lonely, but happier by myself then being worried about the foolishness of someone else.
Health: I'm a hypochondriac, there is always something wrong (in my head).
Friends: I've been spending time with some of my married and newly married friends on the East Coast- for a moment made me wonder if I could have that sort of happiness if I moved there as well...Then I remembered-I don't want to live someplace that I don't want to be for the possibility of finding this mythical man, or this mythical relationship. I love LA like I love my family (really more then I love some of my family), we get along great, we support each other. We make each other happy, I can't leave her, we need each other. So while I am to some degree 'envious' (I use that word in quotes b/c it doesn't exactly express how I feel-I am elated/thrilled for them, they are all so deserving and well matched with their spouses, so I'm envious in that I'd like something similar for myself, not jealous) of what they all have, I am happy with my life and content to wait on whatever there is for me.
Wealth: Being poor sucks, I can see why I avoided it for so long.
It begins...So the title of this post relates to the new challenge that I have given myself. I am going to run a half marathon in February in Huntington Beach. And today was the first day of my pre-training-trying to get conditioned to run at least three miles without stopping. While I am super nervous about getting up to the training schedule immediately the reality is I can't run three miles right now. But I can start trying, and if I'm only up to running 9 miles by the time of the race, guess what I'll walk the rest. The point is, I will finish this race on February 6, 2011.
The other point is. I'm fat. And it is not a good look for me. When I have to put my hand under my chin(s) to cover up the extra ones in a photo its time to do something a little different. I've always wanted to be a runner, so here is my chance. I told everyone that I am going to do it, I posted a status message on FB that I was going to do it, and I've done lots of prelim research about it. I'm ready to get started.
And today I did. I was pleased with what I was able to do.
So I thought this might be a good time to get back to blogging. I need as much accountability as I can get, so I will be posting about the progress. I'm not sure if it will be daily or what, but I will be keeping you all abreast of my workouts. Pray for me.
Hope you all are well! Missed you!
Sunday, June 06, 2010
The Proclamation...
Last night Jilly from Philly and Maxwell came to town. As expected the show was amazing. Jill has been singing my life for years, remembrances of all the ups and downs of various relationships can be directly correlated to Jilly's albums and songs. And Maxwell, well his albums have provided the soundtrack for many an evening, breakup, sad time, happy time etc.
Despite being well aware of the memories attached to the music I was still somehow surprised by how I felt during/after the concert. Granted, I loved the music, the performances-wonderful, their voices-stunning. But jeez did it remind me that I am alone, alone, alone. When Jill asked if there were any lovers in the audience, I was quiet, when Maxwell asked if people were going to be making love tonight, I was silent. Basically the entire evening impressed upon me that I was without a date, without someone to go home to, and without someone to love.
I mean it wasn't that sad, but it was pretty brutal, as I look around at all the couples hugged up all around me. It didn't depress me, I'm not on the verge of suicide or anything. But it did make me question why I attend these concerts. I love both of these artists, I've seen them live multiple times in different venues, know all the words to all the songs, have live albums, unplugged albums, all of that. So what need do I have to go to these shows? This isn't like Beyonce, where i am going to get 5 outfit changes, dancers, the new hot radio song tie-ins, fireworks on stage etc. These are two adult, contemporary, crooners. Maxwell dances, but not like Beyonce dances, and Jill does her little silly dancing and what not, but with them the focus is on their pitch perfect vocals and making you feel the love. They play at these enormous stadiums due to the clamoring of their fans, but really theirs are performances built for small, intimate venues.
So I made a decision-unless Maxwell and Jilly, and artists of their ilk-Brian McKnight, Sade (although she has been gone for a long time and I've never seen her live, she might get an exception)-are playing at an intimate venue, I am going to skip seeing them the next time they are in town. I don't need a $100, 3 hour reminder that I am not booed up. I love the music, I love the performances I just think that I would love them so much more if I could share the experience with a man.
Clearly if 3 years from now, I'm still single and Maxwell has finally released the full trilogy and Jilly has new music out, I'm sure I will have forgotten about this and be one of the first to cop my ticket. But for a little while I just keep hearing my mothers words, when chastising my sister and I for watching some movie that alluded to a couple having sex "I don't know why ya'll are sitting up in here watching this torturing yourselves." She meant that since we aren't married, we can't/shouldn't/don't have sex so why torture ourselves by watching others do things that we can't do. Basically like taking someone on a fast to their favorite restaurant and eating in front of them. That was what I felt like on Sat. that I was torturing myself, needlessly.
I feel so dramatic making this proclamation of sorts, but I genuinely didn't feel good at the concert. And I have no one to blame for that, that is just the current situation...one I won't be putting myself in again anytime soon.
So its small venues, hip hop shows, jazz bands, etc for me for a little while. And that is perfectly fine by me.
Despite being well aware of the memories attached to the music I was still somehow surprised by how I felt during/after the concert. Granted, I loved the music, the performances-wonderful, their voices-stunning. But jeez did it remind me that I am alone, alone, alone. When Jill asked if there were any lovers in the audience, I was quiet, when Maxwell asked if people were going to be making love tonight, I was silent. Basically the entire evening impressed upon me that I was without a date, without someone to go home to, and without someone to love.
I mean it wasn't that sad, but it was pretty brutal, as I look around at all the couples hugged up all around me. It didn't depress me, I'm not on the verge of suicide or anything. But it did make me question why I attend these concerts. I love both of these artists, I've seen them live multiple times in different venues, know all the words to all the songs, have live albums, unplugged albums, all of that. So what need do I have to go to these shows? This isn't like Beyonce, where i am going to get 5 outfit changes, dancers, the new hot radio song tie-ins, fireworks on stage etc. These are two adult, contemporary, crooners. Maxwell dances, but not like Beyonce dances, and Jill does her little silly dancing and what not, but with them the focus is on their pitch perfect vocals and making you feel the love. They play at these enormous stadiums due to the clamoring of their fans, but really theirs are performances built for small, intimate venues.
So I made a decision-unless Maxwell and Jilly, and artists of their ilk-Brian McKnight, Sade (although she has been gone for a long time and I've never seen her live, she might get an exception)-are playing at an intimate venue, I am going to skip seeing them the next time they are in town. I don't need a $100, 3 hour reminder that I am not booed up. I love the music, I love the performances I just think that I would love them so much more if I could share the experience with a man.
Clearly if 3 years from now, I'm still single and Maxwell has finally released the full trilogy and Jilly has new music out, I'm sure I will have forgotten about this and be one of the first to cop my ticket. But for a little while I just keep hearing my mothers words, when chastising my sister and I for watching some movie that alluded to a couple having sex "I don't know why ya'll are sitting up in here watching this torturing yourselves." She meant that since we aren't married, we can't/shouldn't/don't have sex so why torture ourselves by watching others do things that we can't do. Basically like taking someone on a fast to their favorite restaurant and eating in front of them. That was what I felt like on Sat. that I was torturing myself, needlessly.
I feel so dramatic making this proclamation of sorts, but I genuinely didn't feel good at the concert. And I have no one to blame for that, that is just the current situation...one I won't be putting myself in again anytime soon.
So its small venues, hip hop shows, jazz bands, etc for me for a little while. And that is perfectly fine by me.
Question I hate...
I sent this email to my girls yesterday:
I am getting so sick of the question: "so you're a great girl, funny, pretty, smart, you know sports, you're a lawyer, why are you single?" I swear i am going to come up with a answer that evokes shame, shock, or horror from the person that next asks me that.
Something like: well, i don't like to tell ppl but....i'm a hermaphrodite, it is my secret shame. And interestingly men don't like he/she's with partial penises.
or
I'm into hardcore S&M and its hard to find a man that is into the same catastrophic ball crushing that i am into.
or
I'm racist against all races so I'm really looking for an Albino, and as you can imagine, they are hard to find here in LA with all the excessive sun and all.
or
I'm planning on becoming morbidly obese in the next 5-10 years so i need a chubby chaser, but I'm currently not big enough for that crowd yet, so i'm working on it.
Any other suggestions that I can shock and awe ppl who ask me that dumb question?
The responses:
I'm a carpet muncher, but I hate women so that makes it tough for me to find a mate.
I'm into beastiality.
I like men with stumps, amputees really do it for me, but surprisingly low amount of them walking around.
I'm into guys with really hairy backs, no, I mean really hairy backs!! But sadly the Armenian guys just don't seem to dig me.
I'm a nympho and no one man alone can keep up. (or conversely, I hate sex, worst thing ever)
If you have any suggestions of how I can shock and awe stupid ppl that ask me this question please feel free to leave them in the comments.
I have the herp.
I am getting so sick of the question: "so you're a great girl, funny, pretty, smart, you know sports, you're a lawyer, why are you single?" I swear i am going to come up with a answer that evokes shame, shock, or horror from the person that next asks me that.
Something like: well, i don't like to tell ppl but....i'm a hermaphrodite, it is my secret shame. And interestingly men don't like he/she's with partial penises.
or
I'm into hardcore S&M and its hard to find a man that is into the same catastrophic ball crushing that i am into.
or
I'm racist against all races so I'm really looking for an Albino, and as you can imagine, they are hard to find here in LA with all the excessive sun and all.
or
I'm planning on becoming morbidly obese in the next 5-10 years so i need a chubby chaser, but I'm currently not big enough for that crowd yet, so i'm working on it.
Any other suggestions that I can shock and awe ppl who ask me that dumb question?
The responses:
I'm a carpet muncher, but I hate women so that makes it tough for me to find a mate.
I'm into beastiality.
I like men with stumps, amputees really do it for me, but surprisingly low amount of them walking around.
I'm into guys with really hairy backs, no, I mean really hairy backs!! But sadly the Armenian guys just don't seem to dig me.
I'm a nympho and no one man alone can keep up. (or conversely, I hate sex, worst thing ever)
If you have any suggestions of how I can shock and awe stupid ppl that ask me this question please feel free to leave them in the comments.
I have the herp.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
The now....
I haven't written here in quite some time. Hey ya'll!!
Let's see last we spoke it was March right? I had just cut my hair, just cut him out of my life, and was all thinking of new beginnings and hope and light. Yeah I remember that.
Well now its May nearly June, I've cut my hair even shorter and found a stylist that does black hair, but cuts and applies color like white people. I heart him. Like seriously I might have a crush on my male but uber hetero stylist. He has a beard like W-C, wears chucks with slim cut 501s, and a white tee-oh and he drives an old chevy and leans like a cholo. Again, I love this man. And I adore the new cut. Its way shorter than I ever thought I would go. But somehow it fits (its only a week old I haven't even washed it yet, so this may all be premature).
Work is the bain of my existence. I'm ready for my rich husband already.
He has made his comeback routine...
****aside: I am watching the AI finale from last night and Carrie Underwood is working it right now. she got on her leather pants and boots and telling some nucca that he can kick rocks. I am loving her swag on this performance, America's sweetheart she is not right now. This song makes me want her to do an R&B album, it would be decidedly better then half the R&B chicks in the game right now.
...so yeah HE began reaching out a week or so ago. Informing me that he always comes back so, clearly, I should have just been patient since I knew he would be back. Surprisingly this only made me pity him. He really has no concept of how to love anyone other then himself-which is so sad. And really there is going to be some girl that is happy with his piece of love, it just wasn't me. Sadly because I was that girl that accepted his piece of love for so long, he doesn't quite believe, or can't conceive that I am done with him-he thinks its a bluff. But like one of my favorite movies Closer- "I don't love you anymore. Goodbye."
****Aside: SHE GOT A DONK, SHE GOT A DONK!! Umm Janet. Looking good girl. And this hair cut I dig it as well. Her face is so beautiful, and makeup so impeccable she could wear her hair anyway. Is she singing live? Is this Missy mixed with Nasty boys? Hawt. This catsuit....makes me want to get on treadmill right now. Sy Smith, one of the back up signers on Idol has been hype the whole show and was especially hype on this song. Janet should get a standing O for looking that good in that cat suit alone. Darn her.
I am thoroughly looking forward to this weekend. I have some great plans, some fun parties to attend, a new cut to show off, my car is clean rims shiny, I'm working from home tomorrow. All good things, all good things. Now i"m just ready for a good nights sleep.
As for all the philosophical stuff-this year I have seen some of the women that I adore and respect most in the world get engaged, plan weddings, and get married. I am so thrilled for them, so proud of them for being resilient and long suffering enough to work through relationship difficulties, and for having the foresight to recognize the gems in men they had found AFTER suffering many a fool. They give me hope, and I am endeared to them even more for that.
Let's see last we spoke it was March right? I had just cut my hair, just cut him out of my life, and was all thinking of new beginnings and hope and light. Yeah I remember that.
Well now its May nearly June, I've cut my hair even shorter and found a stylist that does black hair, but cuts and applies color like white people. I heart him. Like seriously I might have a crush on my male but uber hetero stylist. He has a beard like W-C, wears chucks with slim cut 501s, and a white tee-oh and he drives an old chevy and leans like a cholo. Again, I love this man. And I adore the new cut. Its way shorter than I ever thought I would go. But somehow it fits (its only a week old I haven't even washed it yet, so this may all be premature).
Work is the bain of my existence. I'm ready for my rich husband already.
He has made his comeback routine...
****aside: I am watching the AI finale from last night and Carrie Underwood is working it right now. she got on her leather pants and boots and telling some nucca that he can kick rocks. I am loving her swag on this performance, America's sweetheart she is not right now. This song makes me want her to do an R&B album, it would be decidedly better then half the R&B chicks in the game right now.
...so yeah HE began reaching out a week or so ago. Informing me that he always comes back so, clearly, I should have just been patient since I knew he would be back. Surprisingly this only made me pity him. He really has no concept of how to love anyone other then himself-which is so sad. And really there is going to be some girl that is happy with his piece of love, it just wasn't me. Sadly because I was that girl that accepted his piece of love for so long, he doesn't quite believe, or can't conceive that I am done with him-he thinks its a bluff. But like one of my favorite movies Closer- "I don't love you anymore. Goodbye."
****Aside: SHE GOT A DONK, SHE GOT A DONK!! Umm Janet. Looking good girl. And this hair cut I dig it as well. Her face is so beautiful, and makeup so impeccable she could wear her hair anyway. Is she singing live? Is this Missy mixed with Nasty boys? Hawt. This catsuit....makes me want to get on treadmill right now. Sy Smith, one of the back up signers on Idol has been hype the whole show and was especially hype on this song. Janet should get a standing O for looking that good in that cat suit alone. Darn her.
I am thoroughly looking forward to this weekend. I have some great plans, some fun parties to attend, a new cut to show off, my car is clean rims shiny, I'm working from home tomorrow. All good things, all good things. Now i"m just ready for a good nights sleep.
As for all the philosophical stuff-this year I have seen some of the women that I adore and respect most in the world get engaged, plan weddings, and get married. I am so thrilled for them, so proud of them for being resilient and long suffering enough to work through relationship difficulties, and for having the foresight to recognize the gems in men they had found AFTER suffering many a fool. They give me hope, and I am endeared to them even more for that.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
New Hair....
So this is what we ended up with folks!Last week I went to get cut number 1, and kind of chickened out in that when he asked if I wanted him to do anything else I didn't speak up. He basically gave me a really great trim with some added layers which was cool but it was still long and essentially the Jessica Simpson cut from the previous post.
So today I went back for the real cut. Phase 2. And as you can see, this time I didn't punk out. And I LOVE IT!! It's short and sassy and an actual style.
Granted its only day one, I may hate it by the end of the week but right now, I'm really happy about it. I like how different it feels.
Its spring, the weather is changing, newness is in the air, and it just seems like an ideal time to change up my look.
And yes, I am aware that I need a touch up on my color like babies need a mama. And I will get one sooner rather then later. I was initially thinking of switching up the color, but I love this color, it is so me, its mine. I've had it since like 8th grade, its my signature, it just feels wrong to bail on my color now, after all its done for me over the years.
I thought it might also be helpful to see where I have come from. Thats the last pic...
Anyhow wish me luck with my cut ya'll! Smooches.
Monday, March 15, 2010
I am my hair...
I am in fact my hair and currently me and my hair need an overhaul of sorts. Interestingly whenever I get out of a situation I feel the need to do something different with my hair. And per my last post I simply feel like having long hair solely for the sake of having long hair is dumb, especially when I can just buy some.
So to that end...here are some options...I need some feedback ppl, what do we like? Keeping in mind that I have what my mother refers to as a moon pie face, which means I have a round "jolly" face.
Options:
1.
So this may be my favorite, I want something not just your typical bob, something with a bit more funk.
2.
I like this cut, I think. I wouldn't want it this choppy, and I think with some curls it wouldn't be so choppy but it also wouldn't be as interesting.
3.
I know this is darn near totally plain, but it just looks so good. But this would be a super baby step to actually cutting my hair.
4.
I love this little pixie cut. Its the choppy layers on the crown that I really like but I would need it a few inches longer.
5.
This rocker chick looking shag cut...also very cute, I think this would be really cute in a press and curl.
6.
This dalmatian colored bob also has great layers, but the bangs are entirely too short.
7.
I have no clue how to practically wear either of these styles on the daily but I really love them.
8.
This is slightly left of center for a bob, but the color cut combo is gorgeous.
So what do we think? What do we like? Is it terrible that I think that white ppl cut better then blk stylists? Like If I were getting a Halle short cut, then clearly I can go to any hood shop for that, but I feel like for a mid length something that I could probably go to a supercuts and get what I'm, looking for, right? Either way, I'm hype about the possibilities. So give me some feedback ppl.
So to that end...here are some options...I need some feedback ppl, what do we like? Keeping in mind that I have what my mother refers to as a moon pie face, which means I have a round "jolly" face.
Options:
1.
So this may be my favorite, I want something not just your typical bob, something with a bit more funk.
2.
I like this cut, I think. I wouldn't want it this choppy, and I think with some curls it wouldn't be so choppy but it also wouldn't be as interesting.
3.
I know this is darn near totally plain, but it just looks so good. But this would be a super baby step to actually cutting my hair.
4.
I love this little pixie cut. Its the choppy layers on the crown that I really like but I would need it a few inches longer.5.
This rocker chick looking shag cut...also very cute, I think this would be really cute in a press and curl. 6.
This dalmatian colored bob also has great layers, but the bangs are entirely too short.
7.
I have no clue how to practically wear either of these styles on the daily but I really love them.
8.
This is slightly left of center for a bob, but the color cut combo is gorgeous.
So what do we think? What do we like? Is it terrible that I think that white ppl cut better then blk stylists? Like If I were getting a Halle short cut, then clearly I can go to any hood shop for that, but I feel like for a mid length something that I could probably go to a supercuts and get what I'm, looking for, right? Either way, I'm hype about the possibilities. So give me some feedback ppl.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
10 Things...
So I'm watching the Style Network today. That Clean House show...ay dios mio. Thought 1: If I am not careful that could be me! I have too much of everything and I hate throwing anything away. Thought 2: Where can I get my hands on all of Niecey Nash's dresses! Have you seen how cute she looks on that show? And since we have essentially the same shape (and likely the same spanx) I would look hot in all those dresses she wears!
The show I'm watching now is 10 Things I Hate About Me. Hmmmm. Interesting. What do I hate about me? As I've been watching the show I've been thinking about some of the things I dislike about me. Let's do it.
1. I hate that I can't cook (Mia this is where yours and my life diverge drastically). Its not entirely true that I can't cook at all, I just hate that I can't throw down. My mother and sister rule in the kitchen, like give them some raw meat, a spice rack, rice and one pan, 24 minutes later they will emerge with chili, some pasta with meat sauce, kung pao chicken, gumbo, thai veggies with peanut sauce and cornbread. Basically they are magicians in the kitchen and since I get frustrated that I cannot match their success in the kitchen I stick to cooking my three or four tried and true dishes or don't cook at all.
2. I hate that I deal with my unsolvable (or unsolvable in a desirable way) problems with food, alcohol or activities (that inevitably involve food and alcohol).
3. I hate that I have such a black girl obsession with having long hair that I allow my hair to be long and drab rather then cut into a fabulous style all for the sake of saying that I have long hair. Especially when Lord knows I will throw a weave in it so quick that why do I need real long hair? Plus I want to wear my hair naturally but b/c of my hairs length and lack of style it just looks like helmet head. Next month I'm going to a bev hills shop that does blk and white hair to get a consult on a cut and new color. I love this color that I have, but literally I've had it since 8th grade. Its time to move on, no? Plus I must say I find that white ppl cut and color better then any blk stylist I've ever had.
4. I hate that I can't throw things away. I am such a pack rat, its so dumb...all this stuff that I don't wear, won't wear, can't wear but won't throw away. Not to mention all the mail and paperwork that I keep. I have this fear that if I throw it away I will need it. Since I started my own company I've gotten it into my mind that I have to keep receipts for all the lunches, coffee, office or office related purchases. Basically an excuse for me to indulge my receipt keeping compulsion.
5. I hate that my feet sweat in heels. Well in shoes really. I have found some things to help, but it is such an irritation.
6. I hate my purse game. Currently I loathe almost every purse I have. Sadly I have like 45, how do I own and Hate 42 purses? It makes no sense.
7. I hate that I have no desire or eye for decorating my house. I basically live like a bachelor, essentials in muted colors, I just don't like decorating.
8. I hate that lately due to stress and what not I feel like I have been letting myself go. I need to get my swag back.
9. I hate that I won't commit to losing weight.
10. I hate how much of my pride, self esteem, personal value/worth is tied to my professional success.
Now on the show the woman had a team of professionals who helped her to conquer her issues. Although they seemed pretty straight forward and simple to me...you hate that you dress like a teenager-well then stop buying teenager clothes. You hate that you don't comb your hair-well then start combing your hair. But I guess that is the thing, just because you can ID your issues doesn't mean that you know how to do anything about it. For most of my issues, I am in no rush to conquer, I think I will always battle with food, I think I will eventually become one with the kitchen, despite my feet my shoe game is enviable, my swag is never far from me, and eventually my professional success will allow me to hire KMO as my interior designer.
The show I'm watching now is 10 Things I Hate About Me. Hmmmm. Interesting. What do I hate about me? As I've been watching the show I've been thinking about some of the things I dislike about me. Let's do it.
1. I hate that I can't cook (Mia this is where yours and my life diverge drastically). Its not entirely true that I can't cook at all, I just hate that I can't throw down. My mother and sister rule in the kitchen, like give them some raw meat, a spice rack, rice and one pan, 24 minutes later they will emerge with chili, some pasta with meat sauce, kung pao chicken, gumbo, thai veggies with peanut sauce and cornbread. Basically they are magicians in the kitchen and since I get frustrated that I cannot match their success in the kitchen I stick to cooking my three or four tried and true dishes or don't cook at all.
2. I hate that I deal with my unsolvable (or unsolvable in a desirable way) problems with food, alcohol or activities (that inevitably involve food and alcohol).
3. I hate that I have such a black girl obsession with having long hair that I allow my hair to be long and drab rather then cut into a fabulous style all for the sake of saying that I have long hair. Especially when Lord knows I will throw a weave in it so quick that why do I need real long hair? Plus I want to wear my hair naturally but b/c of my hairs length and lack of style it just looks like helmet head. Next month I'm going to a bev hills shop that does blk and white hair to get a consult on a cut and new color. I love this color that I have, but literally I've had it since 8th grade. Its time to move on, no? Plus I must say I find that white ppl cut and color better then any blk stylist I've ever had.
4. I hate that I can't throw things away. I am such a pack rat, its so dumb...all this stuff that I don't wear, won't wear, can't wear but won't throw away. Not to mention all the mail and paperwork that I keep. I have this fear that if I throw it away I will need it. Since I started my own company I've gotten it into my mind that I have to keep receipts for all the lunches, coffee, office or office related purchases. Basically an excuse for me to indulge my receipt keeping compulsion.
5. I hate that my feet sweat in heels. Well in shoes really. I have found some things to help, but it is such an irritation.
6. I hate my purse game. Currently I loathe almost every purse I have. Sadly I have like 45, how do I own and Hate 42 purses? It makes no sense.
7. I hate that I have no desire or eye for decorating my house. I basically live like a bachelor, essentials in muted colors, I just don't like decorating.
8. I hate that lately due to stress and what not I feel like I have been letting myself go. I need to get my swag back.
9. I hate that I won't commit to losing weight.
10. I hate how much of my pride, self esteem, personal value/worth is tied to my professional success.
Now on the show the woman had a team of professionals who helped her to conquer her issues. Although they seemed pretty straight forward and simple to me...you hate that you dress like a teenager-well then stop buying teenager clothes. You hate that you don't comb your hair-well then start combing your hair. But I guess that is the thing, just because you can ID your issues doesn't mean that you know how to do anything about it. For most of my issues, I am in no rush to conquer, I think I will always battle with food, I think I will eventually become one with the kitchen, despite my feet my shoe game is enviable, my swag is never far from me, and eventually my professional success will allow me to hire KMO as my interior designer.
Friday, February 26, 2010
The List....
I am in the most wonderful book club known to man. They are some of the most dynamic, interesting, funny, amazing women I have ever known. I could not love this club more.
So over our five years together we have dated, loved, broken up, gotten back together with and loathed several different men. When we began we were all mostly single, and now in the 5th year we have two engaged, one happy live in couple, and one happy (serious) long distance couple. I could not be happier for these queens, they deserve every bit of the love and adoration they are receiving. However you can't sit at table with these successful at love ladies and not wonder how it is that you are so, so very, very unsuccessful in the same arena.
So when they said to me that I needed to create a list of all the qualities that I am seeking in a man. I listened. These ladies clearly know what they are talking about and I want to get like them.
Here goes...the list (in no particular order, stream of consciousness sort of way):
1. Be a man of your word
2. Be unafraid and willing to make simple decisions (what we eat, where we go for an evening)
3. Be eager to include me in your life
4. Be a Jehovah's Witness, or be comfortable and supportive of me being a Jehovah's Witness, and have your own relationship with God
5. Love travel
6. Love 'new' (new places, people, food, wine, electronics, cars, etc)
7. Be indifferent or non-desirous of children
8. Love to dance and music of various genres
9. Be ambitious
10. Be able to prioritize
11. Be sincere
12. Love football and the Lakers
13. Be aware and interested in current events, your community, the world outside of yourself
14. Be charismatic, know how to work a room without me, but still look forward to meeting up with me at the end of the night
15. Understand the principle of headship-lead/guide not berate/demand
16. Respect my mind, intellect, and abilities
17. Seek out my ideas and desires
18. Be my best friend
19. Be funny, we should be the comedy duo that gets invited to all dinner parties for our witty banter
20. Be considerate of my feelings
21. Be a listener
22. Be a communicator
23. Be empathetic
24. Have a passion
25. Have stamina, fortitude, a backbone
26. Be able to articulate a clear point of view
27. Reciprocate
I think thats it. 27 things, some of them redundant or alternate ways of saying the same thing. So really I'm looking for 20 or less things in the next man. I guess that means I'm easy like I always thought I was.
So now that I've written it...I guess I should refer to it when I meet someone, and alter or compare as necessary.
I want a husband. Not tomorrow, but eventually, and this is who I want him to be. I just have to continue to work on these same traits within myself.
So over our five years together we have dated, loved, broken up, gotten back together with and loathed several different men. When we began we were all mostly single, and now in the 5th year we have two engaged, one happy live in couple, and one happy (serious) long distance couple. I could not be happier for these queens, they deserve every bit of the love and adoration they are receiving. However you can't sit at table with these successful at love ladies and not wonder how it is that you are so, so very, very unsuccessful in the same arena.
So when they said to me that I needed to create a list of all the qualities that I am seeking in a man. I listened. These ladies clearly know what they are talking about and I want to get like them.
Here goes...the list (in no particular order, stream of consciousness sort of way):
1. Be a man of your word
2. Be unafraid and willing to make simple decisions (what we eat, where we go for an evening)
3. Be eager to include me in your life
4. Be a Jehovah's Witness, or be comfortable and supportive of me being a Jehovah's Witness, and have your own relationship with God
5. Love travel
6. Love 'new' (new places, people, food, wine, electronics, cars, etc)
7. Be indifferent or non-desirous of children
8. Love to dance and music of various genres
9. Be ambitious
10. Be able to prioritize
11. Be sincere
12. Love football and the Lakers
13. Be aware and interested in current events, your community, the world outside of yourself
14. Be charismatic, know how to work a room without me, but still look forward to meeting up with me at the end of the night
15. Understand the principle of headship-lead/guide not berate/demand
16. Respect my mind, intellect, and abilities
17. Seek out my ideas and desires
18. Be my best friend
19. Be funny, we should be the comedy duo that gets invited to all dinner parties for our witty banter
20. Be considerate of my feelings
21. Be a listener
22. Be a communicator
23. Be empathetic
24. Have a passion
25. Have stamina, fortitude, a backbone
26. Be able to articulate a clear point of view
27. Reciprocate
I think thats it. 27 things, some of them redundant or alternate ways of saying the same thing. So really I'm looking for 20 or less things in the next man. I guess that means I'm easy like I always thought I was.
So now that I've written it...I guess I should refer to it when I meet someone, and alter or compare as necessary.
I want a husband. Not tomorrow, but eventually, and this is who I want him to be. I just have to continue to work on these same traits within myself.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
What had happened was...
So our relationship has been storied to say the least. He in the past has had a tendency to just drop off the earth, stop calling, stop responding etc.
So when we went out two Saturdays ago for dinner and Avatar, and he sat across the table from me grinning like the cat that ate the canary I was actually very innocently asking what was new with him. I knew that he had quit or was on leave from his job, he left at like 1130am on a Wed...this man will go and stay at work while sick as a dog...he only "leaves" early if he is in fact LEAVING. But I know he likes to talk about these things in his own time, so I gave him a couple days and politely asked on Sat, if anything was new with him. He joking said no, everything was still exactly the same...we laughed about this obvious lie. And a few moments later he said, "I think I'm going to move to Atlanta". I laughed. He didn't. I stared at him, still with the big smile.
When?
A week from Monday?
Why?
I need a change, I need to do something different, I want to be in a new place...
Oh. And you're not kidding right?
No, I'm going. But it'll only be for about 6 months. I'm waiting for you to get mad at me.
No, not mad. I will always be supportive of things you think will better you. Nevertheless, I don't want to talk about this anymore, lets talk about something else.
We talked for a few moments about happier things, and then randomly my eyes welled up and suddenly my face was wet, I got up, regrouped, apologized, picked at my food and went to see Avatar.
The thing that I kept thinking about while he talked about the move was when my cousin went to teach english in Japan shortly after falling in love with a new man. The trip was planned long before his arrival in her life, but it hurt them both like hell when she was preparing to leave and the 4 months or so that she was gone. The bad part, and what bothered me about him was that he went out of his way to make her feel bad about continuing the decision to leave. As if this new and budding relationship warranted her giving up on the experience of a lifetime.
I didn't want to be him. I wanted to be supportive of what he thought was best for his life. Because as I repeated to myself over and over-he wasn't my husband, he is my boyfriend, and its not fair to ask or expect ppl to make life decisions based solely on that relationship. While we've been dealing with one another for over 3 years, we've only managed to be consistent for the past 6mos or so. That position doesn't qualify me to make mandates on his life decisions.
So we didn't talk about it anymore. It was an awkward night to say the least. The next day we spoke in more depth about his motivations and thought process behind the move. Basically he wants to get his spiritual life together, he wants to get some independence from his family, he wants to get some "distance so he can get some discipline". Later, I sent him an exhaustive email about all the reasons why I was outwardly upset by this announcement. 1. Every time we start going good, something happens. 2. I'm a pessimist, he says 6 months but I think he is going to go there and stay forever. 3. While I support his 'come to Jesus' but religion is already the one "thing" between us, so it sounds like the final nail in the coffin of our relationship. 4. I think he is going to move there and find some great church girl and that he should pursue her and live happily ever after (one of us should get married). 5. I think 6mos will keep getting delayed and pushed back until its a year and some change. 6. And finally how much the distance is going to suck.
He comes over. Pulls up my email and allays each of my concerns one by one.
Ok I can do this. I committed to 6 mos, I'll see him probably in like 3mos time when I go to ATL to see my parents, and then 3 mos later he'll be home. Ok that is doable.
He doesn't want a ride to the airport, he doesn't want his last sight of me to be all tears and sadness. I get that. I just asked for a call when he arrives. Let me know he made it. He mentioned in that final conversation that he was going to be most likely unavailable by phone when he first gets there. I understood that, getting acclimated to the time difference, trying to find your way around etc, all takes time, and letting me know ahead of time that you are going to be less available then normal is perfectly legitimate and a good way of covering yourself from hearing my mouth.
So he flies out (allegedly). I hear nothing about arrival, after a couple texts I finally call his new cell phone, no answer and the voicemail is a Christina. Hmmm. He literally (allegedly) had gotten the phone hooked up on Tmobile the previous day, and I spoke to him on it after he got it hooked up. So is the chick just the leftover voicemail from the previous owner of that number...or....? And just as I am firing off an email to you, you text and say you can't talk and won't be able to talk to me for about three weeks, but you need me to be strong and focused and that he has to get better.
What.
What are you talking about? What are you going through? Are you in rehab? Jail?
I refuse to dwell on the mysteriousness of it all. Especially not for 3 weeks. It just makes me mad and who needs that. Besides, its too early to freak completely out. I plan to get a full accounting whenever it is that I see hear from him. I want flight confirmations, rental agreements, etc. There is this place in the back of my head that says that I will never see him again, that this was some elaborate rouse to make me believe he left b/c he couldn't tell me that he simply didn't want to deal with me anymore.
I only like mysteries in a book.
So when we went out two Saturdays ago for dinner and Avatar, and he sat across the table from me grinning like the cat that ate the canary I was actually very innocently asking what was new with him. I knew that he had quit or was on leave from his job, he left at like 1130am on a Wed...this man will go and stay at work while sick as a dog...he only "leaves" early if he is in fact LEAVING. But I know he likes to talk about these things in his own time, so I gave him a couple days and politely asked on Sat, if anything was new with him. He joking said no, everything was still exactly the same...we laughed about this obvious lie. And a few moments later he said, "I think I'm going to move to Atlanta". I laughed. He didn't. I stared at him, still with the big smile.
When?
A week from Monday?
Why?
I need a change, I need to do something different, I want to be in a new place...
Oh. And you're not kidding right?
No, I'm going. But it'll only be for about 6 months. I'm waiting for you to get mad at me.
No, not mad. I will always be supportive of things you think will better you. Nevertheless, I don't want to talk about this anymore, lets talk about something else.
We talked for a few moments about happier things, and then randomly my eyes welled up and suddenly my face was wet, I got up, regrouped, apologized, picked at my food and went to see Avatar.
The thing that I kept thinking about while he talked about the move was when my cousin went to teach english in Japan shortly after falling in love with a new man. The trip was planned long before his arrival in her life, but it hurt them both like hell when she was preparing to leave and the 4 months or so that she was gone. The bad part, and what bothered me about him was that he went out of his way to make her feel bad about continuing the decision to leave. As if this new and budding relationship warranted her giving up on the experience of a lifetime.
I didn't want to be him. I wanted to be supportive of what he thought was best for his life. Because as I repeated to myself over and over-he wasn't my husband, he is my boyfriend, and its not fair to ask or expect ppl to make life decisions based solely on that relationship. While we've been dealing with one another for over 3 years, we've only managed to be consistent for the past 6mos or so. That position doesn't qualify me to make mandates on his life decisions.
So we didn't talk about it anymore. It was an awkward night to say the least. The next day we spoke in more depth about his motivations and thought process behind the move. Basically he wants to get his spiritual life together, he wants to get some independence from his family, he wants to get some "distance so he can get some discipline". Later, I sent him an exhaustive email about all the reasons why I was outwardly upset by this announcement. 1. Every time we start going good, something happens. 2. I'm a pessimist, he says 6 months but I think he is going to go there and stay forever. 3. While I support his 'come to Jesus' but religion is already the one "thing" between us, so it sounds like the final nail in the coffin of our relationship. 4. I think he is going to move there and find some great church girl and that he should pursue her and live happily ever after (one of us should get married). 5. I think 6mos will keep getting delayed and pushed back until its a year and some change. 6. And finally how much the distance is going to suck.
He comes over. Pulls up my email and allays each of my concerns one by one.
Ok I can do this. I committed to 6 mos, I'll see him probably in like 3mos time when I go to ATL to see my parents, and then 3 mos later he'll be home. Ok that is doable.
He doesn't want a ride to the airport, he doesn't want his last sight of me to be all tears and sadness. I get that. I just asked for a call when he arrives. Let me know he made it. He mentioned in that final conversation that he was going to be most likely unavailable by phone when he first gets there. I understood that, getting acclimated to the time difference, trying to find your way around etc, all takes time, and letting me know ahead of time that you are going to be less available then normal is perfectly legitimate and a good way of covering yourself from hearing my mouth.
So he flies out (allegedly). I hear nothing about arrival, after a couple texts I finally call his new cell phone, no answer and the voicemail is a Christina. Hmmm. He literally (allegedly) had gotten the phone hooked up on Tmobile the previous day, and I spoke to him on it after he got it hooked up. So is the chick just the leftover voicemail from the previous owner of that number...or....? And just as I am firing off an email to you, you text and say you can't talk and won't be able to talk to me for about three weeks, but you need me to be strong and focused and that he has to get better.
What.
What are you talking about? What are you going through? Are you in rehab? Jail?
I refuse to dwell on the mysteriousness of it all. Especially not for 3 weeks. It just makes me mad and who needs that. Besides, its too early to freak completely out. I plan to get a full accounting whenever it is that I see hear from him. I want flight confirmations, rental agreements, etc. There is this place in the back of my head that says that I will never see him again, that this was some elaborate rouse to make me believe he left b/c he couldn't tell me that he simply didn't want to deal with me anymore.
I only like mysteries in a book.
Sunday, January 03, 2010
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