The Proclamation...

Last night Jilly from Philly and Maxwell came to town. As expected the show was amazing. Jill has been singing my life for years, remembrances of all the ups and downs of various relationships can be directly correlated to Jilly's albums and songs. And Maxwell, well his albums have provided the soundtrack for many an evening, breakup, sad time, happy time etc.

Despite being well aware of the memories attached to the music I was still somehow surprised by how I felt during/after the concert. Granted, I loved the music, the performances-wonderful, their voices-stunning. But jeez did it remind me that I am alone, alone, alone. When Jill asked if there were any lovers in the audience, I was quiet, when Maxwell asked if people were going to be making love tonight, I was silent. Basically the entire evening impressed upon me that I was without a date, without someone to go home to, and without someone to love.

I mean it wasn't that sad, but it was pretty brutal, as I look around at all the couples hugged up all around me. It didn't depress me, I'm not on the verge of suicide or anything. But it did make me question why I attend these concerts. I love both of these artists, I've seen them live multiple times in different venues, know all the words to all the songs, have live albums, unplugged albums, all of that. So what need do I have to go to these shows? This isn't like Beyonce, where i am going to get 5 outfit changes, dancers, the new hot radio song tie-ins, fireworks on stage etc. These are two adult, contemporary, crooners. Maxwell dances, but not like Beyonce dances, and Jill does her little silly dancing and what not, but with them the focus is on their pitch perfect vocals and making you feel the love. They play at these enormous stadiums due to the clamoring of their fans, but really theirs are performances built for small, intimate venues.

So I made a decision-unless Maxwell and Jilly, and artists of their ilk-Brian McKnight, Sade (although she has been gone for a long time and I've never seen her live, she might get an exception)-are playing at an intimate venue, I am going to skip seeing them the next time they are in town. I don't need a $100, 3 hour reminder that I am not booed up. I love the music, I love the performances I just think that I would love them so much more if I could share the experience with a man.

Clearly if 3 years from now, I'm still single and Maxwell has finally released the full trilogy and Jilly has new music out, I'm sure I will have forgotten about this and be one of the first to cop my ticket. But for a little while I just keep hearing my mothers words, when chastising my sister and I for watching some movie that alluded to a couple having sex "I don't know why ya'll are sitting up in here watching this torturing yourselves." She meant that since we aren't married, we can't/shouldn't/don't have sex so why torture ourselves by watching others do things that we can't do. Basically like taking someone on a fast to their favorite restaurant and eating in front of them. That was what I felt like on Sat. that I was torturing myself, needlessly.

I feel so dramatic making this proclamation of sorts, but I genuinely didn't feel good at the concert. And I have no one to blame for that, that is just the current situation...one I won't be putting myself in again anytime soon.

So its small venues, hip hop shows, jazz bands, etc for me for a little while. And that is perfectly fine by me.

Question I hate...

I sent this email to my girls yesterday:

I am getting so sick of the question: "so you're a great girl, funny, pretty, smart, you know sports, you're a lawyer, why are you single?" I swear i am going to come up with a answer that evokes shame, shock, or horror from the person that next asks me that.

Something like: well, i don't like to tell ppl but....i'm a hermaphrodite, it is my secret shame. And interestingly men don't like he/she's with partial penises.

or

I'm into hardcore S&M and its hard to find a man that is into the same catastrophic ball crushing that i am into.

or

I'm racist against all races so I'm really looking for an Albino, and as you can imagine, they are hard to find here in LA with all the excessive sun and all.

or

I'm planning on becoming morbidly obese in the next 5-10 years so i need a chubby chaser, but I'm currently not big enough for that crowd yet, so i'm working on it.


Any other suggestions that I can shock and awe ppl who ask me that dumb question?

The responses:
I'm a carpet muncher, but I hate women so that makes it tough for me to find a mate.

I'm into beastiality.

I like men with stumps, amputees really do it for me, but surprisingly low amount of them walking around.

I'm into guys with really hairy backs, no, I mean really hairy backs!! But sadly the Armenian guys just don't seem to dig me.

I'm a nympho and no one man alone can keep up. (or conversely, I hate sex, worst thing ever)

If you have any suggestions of how I can shock and awe stupid ppl that ask me this question please feel free to leave them in the comments.
I have the herp.

The now....

I haven't written here in quite some time. Hey ya'll!!

Let's see last we spoke it was March right? I had just cut my hair, just cut him out of my life, and was all thinking of new beginnings and hope and light. Yeah I remember that.

Well now its May nearly June, I've cut my hair even shorter and found a stylist that does black hair, but cuts and applies color like white people. I heart him. Like seriously I might have a crush on my male but uber hetero stylist. He has a beard like W-C, wears chucks with slim cut 501s, and a white tee-oh and he drives an old chevy and leans like a cholo. Again, I love this man. And I adore the new cut. Its way shorter than I ever thought I would go. But somehow it fits (its only a week old I haven't even washed it yet, so this may all be premature).

Work is the bain of my existence. I'm ready for my rich husband already.

He has made his comeback routine...

****aside: I am watching the AI finale from last night and Carrie Underwood is working it right now. she got on her leather pants and boots and telling some nucca that he can kick rocks. I am loving her swag on this performance, America's sweetheart she is not right now. This song makes me want her to do an R&B album, it would be decidedly better then half the R&B chicks in the game right now.

...so yeah HE began reaching out a week or so ago. Informing me that he always comes back so, clearly, I should have just been patient since I knew he would be back. Surprisingly this only made me pity him. He really has no concept of how to love anyone other then himself-which is so sad. And really there is going to be some girl that is happy with his piece of love, it just wasn't me. Sadly because I was that girl that accepted his piece of love for so long, he doesn't quite believe, or can't conceive that I am done with him-he thinks its a bluff. But like one of my favorite movies Closer- "I don't love you anymore. Goodbye."

****Aside: SHE GOT A DONK, SHE GOT A DONK!! Umm Janet. Looking good girl. And this hair cut I dig it as well. Her face is so beautiful, and makeup so impeccable she could wear her hair anyway. Is she singing live? Is this Missy mixed with Nasty boys? Hawt. This catsuit....makes me want to get on treadmill right now. Sy Smith, one of the back up signers on Idol has been hype the whole show and was especially hype on this song. Janet should get a standing O for looking that good in that cat suit alone. Darn her.

I am thoroughly looking forward to this weekend. I have some great plans, some fun parties to attend, a new cut to show off, my car is clean rims shiny, I'm working from home tomorrow. All good things, all good things. Now i"m just ready for a good nights sleep.

As for all the philosophical stuff-this year I have seen some of the women that I adore and respect most in the world get engaged, plan weddings, and get married. I am so thrilled for them, so proud of them for being resilient and long suffering enough to work through relationship difficulties, and for having the foresight to recognize the gems in men they had found AFTER suffering many a fool. They give me hope, and I am endeared to them even more for that.

New Hair....

    


So this is what we ended up with folks!Last week I went to get cut number 1, and kind of chickened out in that when he asked if I wanted him to do anything else I didn't speak up. He basically gave me a really great trim with some added layers which was cool but it was still long and essentially the Jessica Simpson cut from the previous post.

So today I went back for the real cut. Phase 2. And as you can see, this time I didn't punk out. And I LOVE IT!! It's short and sassy and an actual style.

Granted its only day one, I may hate it by the end of the week but right now, I'm really happy about it. I like how different it feels.

Its spring, the weather is changing, newness is in the air, and it just seems like an ideal time to change up my look.

And yes, I am aware that I need a touch up on my color like babies need a mama. And I will get one sooner rather then later. I was initially thinking of switching up the color, but I love this color, it is so me, its mine. I've had it since like 8th grade, its my signature, it just feels wrong to bail on my color now, after all its done for me over the years.

I thought it might also be helpful to see where I have come from. Thats the last pic...



Anyhow wish me luck with my cut ya'll! Smooches.

I am my hair...

I am in fact my hair and currently me and my hair need an overhaul of sorts. Interestingly whenever I get out of a situation I feel the need to do something different with my hair. And per my last post I simply feel like having long hair solely for the sake of having long hair is dumb, especially when I can just buy some.

So to that end...here are some options...I need some feedback ppl, what do we like? Keeping in mind that I have what my mother refers to as a moon pie face, which means I have a round "jolly" face.

Options:
1.

So this may be my favorite, I want something not just your typical bob, something with a bit more funk.



2.

I like this cut, I think. I wouldn't want it this choppy, and I think with some curls it wouldn't be so choppy but it also wouldn't be as interesting.







3.

I know this is darn near totally plain, but it just looks so good. But this would be a super baby step to actually cutting my hair.






4.
I love this little pixie cut. Its the choppy layers on the crown that I really like but I would need it a few inches longer.







5.
This rocker chick looking shag cut...also very cute, I think this would be really cute in a press and curl.









6.

This dalmatian colored bob also has great layers, but the bangs are entirely too short.


















7.
I have no clue how to practically wear either of these styles on the daily but I really love them.

















8.

This is slightly left of center for a bob, but the color cut combo is gorgeous.















So what do we think? What do we like? Is it terrible that I think that white ppl cut better then blk stylists? Like If I were getting a Halle short cut, then clearly I can go to any hood shop for that, but I feel like for a mid length something that I could probably go to a supercuts and get what I'm, looking for, right? Either way, I'm hype about the possibilities. So give me some feedback ppl.

10 Things...

So I'm watching the Style Network today. That Clean House show...ay dios mio. Thought 1: If I am not careful that could be me! I have too much of everything and I hate throwing anything away. Thought 2: Where can I get my hands on all of Niecey Nash's dresses! Have you seen how cute she looks on that show? And since we have essentially the same shape (and likely the same spanx) I would look hot in all those dresses she wears!

The show I'm watching now is 10 Things I Hate About Me. Hmmmm. Interesting. What do I hate about me? As I've been watching the show I've been thinking about some of the things I dislike about me. Let's do it.

1. I hate that I can't cook (Mia this is where yours and my life diverge drastically). Its not entirely true that I can't cook at all, I just hate that I can't throw down. My mother and sister rule in the kitchen, like give them some raw meat, a spice rack, rice and one pan, 24 minutes later they will emerge with chili, some pasta with meat sauce, kung pao chicken, gumbo, thai veggies with peanut sauce and cornbread. Basically they are magicians in the kitchen and since I get frustrated that I cannot match their success in the kitchen I stick to cooking my three or four tried and true dishes or don't cook at all.

2. I hate that I deal with my unsolvable (or unsolvable in a desirable way) problems with food, alcohol or activities (that inevitably involve food and alcohol).

3. I hate that I have such a black girl obsession with having long hair that I allow my hair to be long and drab rather then cut into a fabulous style all for the sake of saying that I have long hair. Especially when Lord knows I will throw a weave in it so quick that why do I need real long hair? Plus I want to wear my hair naturally but b/c of my hairs length and lack of style it just looks like helmet head. Next month I'm going to a bev hills shop that does blk and white hair to get a consult on a cut and new color. I love this color that I have, but literally I've had it since 8th grade. Its time to move on, no? Plus I must say I find that white ppl cut and color better then any blk stylist I've ever had.

4. I hate that I can't throw things away. I am such a pack rat, its so dumb...all this stuff that I don't wear, won't wear, can't wear but won't throw away. Not to mention all the mail and paperwork that I keep. I have this fear that if I throw it away I will need it. Since I started my own company I've gotten it into my mind that I have to keep receipts for all the lunches, coffee, office or office related purchases. Basically an excuse for me to indulge my receipt keeping compulsion.

5. I hate that my feet sweat in heels. Well in shoes really. I have found some things to help, but it is such an irritation.

6. I hate my purse game. Currently I loathe almost every purse I have. Sadly I have like 45, how do I own and Hate 42 purses? It makes no sense.

7. I hate that I have no desire or eye for decorating my house. I basically live like a bachelor, essentials in muted colors, I just don't like decorating.

8. I hate that lately due to stress and what not I feel like I have been letting myself go. I need to get my swag back.

9. I hate that I won't commit to losing weight.

10. I hate how much of my pride, self esteem, personal value/worth is tied to my professional success.

Now on the show the woman had a team of professionals who helped her to conquer her issues. Although they seemed pretty straight forward and simple to me...you hate that you dress like a teenager-well then stop buying teenager clothes. You hate that you don't comb your hair-well then start combing your hair. But I guess that is the thing, just because you can ID your issues doesn't mean that you know how to do anything about it. For most of my issues, I am in no rush to conquer, I think I will always battle with food, I think I will eventually become one with the kitchen, despite my feet my shoe game is enviable, my swag is never far from me, and eventually my professional success will allow me to hire KMO as my interior designer.

The List....

I am in the most wonderful book club known to man. They are some of the most dynamic, interesting, funny, amazing women I have ever known. I could not love this club more.

So over our five years together we have dated, loved, broken up, gotten back together with and loathed several different men. When we began we were all mostly single, and now in the 5th year we have two engaged, one happy live in couple, and one happy (serious) long distance couple. I could not be happier for these queens, they deserve every bit of the love and adoration they are receiving. However you can't sit at table with these successful at love ladies and not wonder how it is that you are so, so very, very unsuccessful in the same arena.

So when they said to me that I needed to create a list of all the qualities that I am seeking in a man. I listened. These ladies clearly know what they are talking about and I want to get like them.

Here goes...the list (in no particular order, stream of consciousness sort of way):

1. Be a man of your word
2. Be unafraid and willing to make simple decisions (what we eat, where we go for an evening)
3. Be eager to include me in your life
4. Be a Jehovah's Witness, or be comfortable and supportive of me being a Jehovah's Witness, and have your own relationship with God
5. Love travel
6. Love 'new' (new places, people, food, wine, electronics, cars, etc)
7. Be indifferent or non-desirous of children
8. Love to dance and music of various genres
9. Be ambitious
10. Be able to prioritize
11. Be sincere
12. Love football and the Lakers
13. Be aware and interested in current events, your community, the world outside of yourself
14. Be charismatic, know how to work a room without me, but still look forward to meeting up with me at the end of the night
15. Understand the principle of headship-lead/guide not berate/demand
16. Respect my mind, intellect, and abilities
17. Seek out my ideas and desires
18. Be my best friend
19. Be funny, we should be the comedy duo that gets invited to all dinner parties for our witty banter
20. Be considerate of my feelings
21. Be a listener
22. Be a communicator
23. Be empathetic
24. Have a passion
25. Have stamina, fortitude, a backbone
26. Be able to articulate a clear point of view
27. Reciprocate

I think thats it. 27 things, some of them redundant or alternate ways of saying the same thing. So really I'm looking for 20 or less things in the next man. I guess that means I'm easy like I always thought I was.

So now that I've written it...I guess I should refer to it when I meet someone, and alter or compare as necessary.

I want a husband. Not tomorrow, but eventually, and this is who I want him to be. I just have to continue to work on these same traits within myself.

What had happened was...

So our relationship has been storied to say the least. He in the past has had a tendency to just drop off the earth, stop calling, stop responding etc.

So when we went out two Saturdays ago for dinner and Avatar, and he sat across the table from me grinning like the cat that ate the canary I was actually very innocently asking what was new with him. I knew that he had quit or was on leave from his job, he left at like 1130am on a Wed...this man will go and stay at work while sick as a dog...he only "leaves" early if he is in fact LEAVING. But I know he likes to talk about these things in his own time, so I gave him a couple days and politely asked on Sat, if anything was new with him. He joking said no, everything was still exactly the same...we laughed about this obvious lie. And a few moments later he said, "I think I'm going to move to Atlanta". I laughed. He didn't. I stared at him, still with the big smile.
When?
A week from Monday?
Why?
I need a change, I need to do something different, I want to be in a new place...
Oh. And you're not kidding right?
No, I'm going. But it'll only be for about 6 months. I'm waiting for you to get mad at me.
No, not mad. I will always be supportive of things you think will better you. Nevertheless, I don't want to talk about this anymore, lets talk about something else.

We talked for a few moments about happier things, and then randomly my eyes welled up and suddenly my face was wet, I got up, regrouped, apologized, picked at my food and went to see Avatar.

The thing that I kept thinking about while he talked about the move was when my cousin went to teach english in Japan shortly after falling in love with a new man. The trip was planned long before his arrival in her life, but it hurt them both like hell when she was preparing to leave and the 4 months or so that she was gone. The bad part, and what bothered me about him was that he went out of his way to make her feel bad about continuing the decision to leave. As if this new and budding relationship warranted her giving up on the experience of a lifetime.

I didn't want to be him. I wanted to be supportive of what he thought was best for his life. Because as I repeated to myself over and over-he wasn't my husband, he is my boyfriend, and its not fair to ask or expect ppl to make life decisions based solely on that relationship. While we've been dealing with one another for over 3 years, we've only managed to be consistent for the past 6mos or so. That position doesn't qualify me to make mandates on his life decisions.

So we didn't talk about it anymore. It was an awkward night to say the least. The next day we spoke in more depth about his motivations and thought process behind the move. Basically he wants to get his spiritual life together, he wants to get some independence from his family, he wants to get some "distance so he can get some discipline". Later, I sent him an exhaustive email about all the reasons why I was outwardly upset by this announcement. 1. Every time we start going good, something happens. 2. I'm a pessimist, he says 6 months but I think he is going to go there and stay forever. 3. While I support his 'come to Jesus' but religion is already the one "thing" between us, so it sounds like the final nail in the coffin of our relationship. 4. I think he is going to move there and find some great church girl and that he should pursue her and live happily ever after (one of us should get married). 5. I think 6mos will keep getting delayed and pushed back until its a year and some change. 6. And finally how much the distance is going to suck.

He comes over. Pulls up my email and allays each of my concerns one by one.

Ok I can do this. I committed to 6 mos, I'll see him probably in like 3mos time when I go to ATL to see my parents, and then 3 mos later he'll be home. Ok that is doable.

He doesn't want a ride to the airport, he doesn't want his last sight of me to be all tears and sadness. I get that. I just asked for a call when he arrives. Let me know he made it. He mentioned in that final conversation that he was going to be most likely unavailable by phone when he first gets there. I understood that, getting acclimated to the time difference, trying to find your way around etc, all takes time, and letting me know ahead of time that you are going to be less available then normal is perfectly legitimate and a good way of covering yourself from hearing my mouth.

So he flies out (allegedly). I hear nothing about arrival, after a couple texts I finally call his new cell phone, no answer and the voicemail is a Christina. Hmmm. He literally (allegedly) had gotten the phone hooked up on Tmobile the previous day, and I spoke to him on it after he got it hooked up. So is the chick just the leftover voicemail from the previous owner of that number...or....? And just as I am firing off an email to you, you text and say you can't talk and won't be able to talk to me for about three weeks, but you need me to be strong and focused and that he has to get better.
What.

What are you talking about? What are you going through? Are you in rehab? Jail?

I refuse to dwell on the mysteriousness of it all. Especially not for 3 weeks. It just makes me mad and who needs that. Besides, its too early to freak completely out. I plan to get a full accounting whenever it is that I see hear from him. I want flight confirmations, rental agreements, etc. There is this place in the back of my head that says that I will never see him again, that this was some elaborate rouse to make me believe he left b/c he couldn't tell me that he simply didn't want to deal with me anymore.

I only like mysteries in a book.

...It ends...

And so it goes. After nearly 6 months of bliss it ends. He's moving to ATL next week.

History...

History has been popping up on me lately.

I recalled the other day, something I hadn't thought of probably since it happened, but my mom used to pull my loose teeth by tying a string around them and tying the other end to a door knob, and then slamming the door. It makes me laugh at how cruel it was now, to be clear my mother had no intention of being cruel, in fact she subscribed to some old wives tale that a loose tooth HAD to come out (wouldn't it have come out eventually? What was the rush? I think the fear involved something about swallowing the tooth), and for whatever reason this was the most logical method. But how she never thought of the crippling fear and terror such a thing might create cracks me up. I just remember being almost frantic during the set up, trying to decide if sitting through this or getting a whooping would be more painful. Funny thing is that I don't really remember it hurting, I just remember the agony of anticipation. I think it only happened a couple times, I learned pretty quickly that if I just get the tooth out before she noticed it was loose I could avoid the whole situation. My mother was an insane person-lol and good Lord I love her.

Thats the thing about being a parent, its happening in real time, there is no ability to put a moment on pause and deliberate all appropriate courses, or all possible outcomes of any one decision. You just have to do it, and hope for the best. Its not until they are an adult or after a few years that you can look back and determine which idea worked and which one didn't. The more things I see my parents go through with my little brother, now 18, the more I see what a difficult tight rope parents walk. There just is no "right" way. Each kid is different. Each one needs a different kind of attention/discipline/level of nurturing/independence etc. Its a crap shot. You don't know what kind of kid you are going to get or what approach will work best with said child. And you only have a few years to get it right, you get it wrong and the rest of your life and theirs you spend in regret and they spend jacked up in some form or fashion. History: I look back on my step brother and my step dad. First arrest at 18 after teen years chalk full of screw ups bad decision making and just general bad kid stuff. He got plenty of whoopings, talking to-s, bible admonishments, counseling etc, he simply couldn't/wouldn't pull it together. All the things that worked for his sister failed for him. And 18 was essentially the beginning of his end. That first arrest put his life on a course that he would never quite recover from. He did a little jail time, probation. Got out did well, then violated. More jail time, more probation/parole, and on and on and on. He's now well over 45 and doing something like 2-6 as we speak. He could never quite find his footing on the outside, getting his ish completely together always alluded him. It was always one seemingly minor failing that did him in-missed parole/probation meeting, failure to register appropriately, driving illegally, and on and on and on. And it was never his fault-this grown able bodied man, never did anything that he was solely responsible for, ALSO it was never his friends. Always some external force they had no control over. Always. Present Day: my little 18 year old brother is consistently in trouble. But it's never his fault, its always someone or something else's fault. He just had his first arrest. Tomorrow we'll find out if he's getting out and what the final charges will be. Likely it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but his behavior is so frightening because its just further evidence of the fact that he is such a follower, such an identity-less kid. I just wish I knew how to reach him. I wish I knew what the formula is for him. I hear the guilt/regret/frustration in my stepmom's voice and I feel for her. By no account was she a bad mom. And even if she was, people make choices, he's not a little kid anymore. I just can't bear to see history repeat itself in this brother.

Then there is the history with Him. Its been rocky at best. Despite that, we're happy right now. But in the back of my mind, if he takes too long to get back to me with a call, or he doesn't respond to my texts for what i feel is too long. All that doubt comes back. That knot in my stomach returns and I immediately think the worst. And the killer is i know that I am over reacting but I can't make it stop...That history keeps pulling me back. He gets it, kinda. It doesn't make him as overly considerate of my feelings as I'd like him to be but he does ok.

History has been heavy on my mind.

Since someone, who we'll call Ms. Bossypants demanded that I blog, here I am to blog.

What is going on with me?

1. I'm in love. Most notably and interestingly I am in love. Its not a new love, its the same person I've been in love with for a few years now, but instead of fighting my feelings I (we) are all in. Its nice. Its new-ish. We both agree this is our last and final try, if we can't make it work this go around, we'll let it go. Or maybe I'm the one committed to letting it go. Either way, thus far its been a good ride. I'm learning to take satisfaction in each day. Be grateful for my daily happinesses-the coffee that I perfectly creamed and sugared, the new music I found online, a sweet message/phone call/text, him keeping his word in the small things, a sub circuit overseer and wife that I adore, and just the fun that is my life.

2. Work is transitioning, and with change comes growing pains. My job is making me racist. Of my employees the only ones I like are the Mexican ones. All the white employees I've had have been the laziest, most entitled, snobby, complaining, least hard working ppl especially when compared to my coming in early, leaving late, working weekends NEVER complaining Mexican employees. I fired my last white employee on Friday (but I also fired one Mexican one). SOOOO happy with the current staff. Also, for the record, I LOVE white ppl...some of my best friends, yadda, yadda, yadda.

3. Physically-I'm not currently dying of anything in particular. But what is it about being in a relationship that makes you fat?? Like why since we have been together have I gained all the weight I'd lost recently? Its so crazy! So tomorrow I start with a dietary supplement, treadmill, no carbs etc. I've got to do something otherwise i'll be as big as a house and I can't have that.

4. My sister and I are doing pretty ok. I'm fairly certain that she knows about my dude. She's come by when he's been here hanging out at my house, they have been talking b/c she needed some work done on her car. She invited him over to the house for dinner in payment for his free work on her car. He has thus far spent an evening with my cousins on my Father's side. Hangs out with Jai and I all the time. I've spent a fair bit of time with his mother and sister, and will be having dinner with his father for a second time in a couple weeks. My dad is bothering me to meet him as well. Despite what I believe to be my sister's knowledge other then a joking aside about him being my boyfriend she hasn't said anything to me about him, no questions, no real comments about him being at my house or us spending weekend time together. Which is almost more telling for my super inquisitive sister.
She is still getting her panties all in a bunch that we don't spend a whole heck of a lot of social time together. And she invited me to go on a cruise with her and her friends, and got totally in a huff when I was reluctant to go. Because I am the great ppl pleaser I gave in and will now be going on a cruise in August that I don't really want to go on. But i'm sure it will be fun nonetheless.

5. Spirituality-it needs some work. The traveling overseer and his wife subbed for our circuit overseer this weekend. Normally I don't participate in the wining and dining of the traveling brothers, but my favorite couple and sister we're going so I decided to go. We went to a winery restaurant, so we wine tasted, ate good food and had genuinely funny, comfortable conversation. They were great, and hanging with them was really encouraging. I always love to meet normal, well adjusted, contemporary, fun witnesses.

I think thats about the jist of it. I can't think of anything else important that is going on.

Hope all is well with ya'll.

The Experiment...

So the great hair experiment of 09' came and went. And here was day one of the experiment.



This was about 2/3rds the way dry. Except for the stringy dumb front part the back curled up nicely, which it should since its only been molested by a pressing comb once in the last 7 months or so and my African roots run strong.

I braided it up that night, and it came out a little crazy in the morning, but after getting into the shower, applying more product, and doing a bit of styling this is what I ended up with.




From the side and at this point it was totally cute! Later in the day I didn't love it so much, it got a little mushroomy, the sides got flat on the bottom and left me with a look I didn't love. But it slapped up into a cute ponytail. I almost want to press it out a couple more times just to loosed up the curl a bit, but I know that in so doing I'll just be left with ridiculous straight tips. Ohhh the dilemma.

Speaking of my dilemma(s) I purchased the most important book ever the other day. It is my new personal bible, I wish it came in pocket form.




"If your face is flushed...you might have yellow fever. If your toes are discolored...you might have gangrene." I can now identify nearly all the possible obscure diseases related to any minuscule pain or discomfort I may experience. How wonderful is that!?

The Newness...

Hey all!!!

Wow August 15th...jeez what have I been up to since then?

Well the end of (technical) summer has come since then. I think at the end I kinda feel like "ehhh". Last summer was so awesome, St. Maarten, New York, bi-monthly Honey Parties, my regular schedule of parties and concerts it was an incredible summer. Perhaps too wonderful as just after summer I was summarily laid-off. A fact which i didn't discuss at the time, it was so devastating back then. Thankfully now I can laugh at how embarrassed/hurt/sad/confused/lost I was back then.

Anyway back to the much more pleasant now...sorta.
Well since August, I've lost a little bit of the love I had at first. People are idiots and seemingly bent on irritating me. Why, why must you do things that will only serve to make me want to fire you and literally kick you in the behind on your way out? My most problematic employee mercifully quit, I almost fell to my knees thanking her. However even with her gone, it ain't all rainbows and sunshine.

I also put the greatest stress imaginable on one of my most treasured friendships. I totaled my girls car. Le Sigh. You know that point in the evening when you realize one more drink and i'm out...She got to that point asked how I was doing (i'm always sober) I assured her that I was fine and more then willing to drive us home in her car. Got car from valet, pulled out into traffic, immediately hit by oncoming car, pinning us between said car and parked taxi cab. It was ugly, I couldn't have felt worse. It didn't help that we both were headed out of town, and had some other things going on for a few wknds deviating from our regularly scheduled weekend party time. While she battled with her insurance, and the body shop, and figuring out if we were praying for fixibility or for them to total it, I stressed. I firmly believe that finances/money is the quickest way to ruin a relationship. And though I vowed to cover any and every expense, a huge part of the hassle is simply being on the phone with these ppl, going to get your stuff out of the car, and just keeping up with all the nonsense. Turns out about 28 days after the accident (just before her rental car ran out) they totaled the car, she ended up getting her deposit, plus two car payments back and only had to pay the deductible. She was so gracious throughout, and haggled with me to force me to let the whole thing go, call us even and carry on. I still feel in her debt to some degree, but i'm happy that it all worked out and that we have moved on, resuming our regularly scheduled drinking outings, in which i drive all the time regardless.

I have also sorta rekindled a love affair. He seems different this time. But I'm pretty sure i've said that before so don't put too much stock in it. I'm still waiting, watching, wondering what's going to happen this time.

The end of summer also means the end of JennWill's weave. I love my summer weave, so big and wild, or long and perfectly curled. Ahhh good times. But I saw "Good Hair", and my hair has grown out quite a bit since I started this whole 6 mos in a weave 6 mos out schedule. And really my own natural curl is pretty lovely, but I always hated the shrinkage and how short it got. Now that its longer, I'm so curious. My step mom has mastered doing a straw set on her own hair and I told her that I would let her test it out on mine...but I also just want to see what my hair will do on its own. To that end, I went to a showcase of Miss Jessie's products. Which allegedly will keep my curly locks curly and soft instead of frizzy and half straightish. Anyone use these products? Or have any other recommendations? Mia, I'm talking to you. :)

Its an experiment that I might try this weekend, I'll let you all know how it goes.

I have also totally fallen off my workout/eating right grind. So sad. I refuse to be sloppy, but I also refuse to live without french fries. Quite the quandary.

Alright ya'll! Missed ya!

Live Blogging...

It is Saturday 9:37pm and I am drafting a demand letter for a client at The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf on LaCienega Blvd. across the street from the Beverly Center in Beverly Hills.

Obviously it is unusal for me to be in such a place on such a prime outing night however circumstances (a hair appt) required that I kill some time before meeting up with my peeps for a night out lite on the town-I'm still getting over a cold of course.

But the reason I decided to live blog, all the while earning my retained fees, is because about 10 minutes ago a couple walked in, and I am now bearing witness to the WORST 1st date/meeting that has ever taken place in the history of the world.

These two met online, apparently her main picutre is all oily skinned looking, and she looks pale and white. Apprently in real life she is far more beautiful then her pictures lead on, also she looks spanish, or exotic in real life, what with her dark skin (she is not dark, she is a white girl). I know these things because the guy she is meeting is incredibly loud, and an ASSHOLE. In the first 3 minutes of them walking in I heard him commenting/complaining about how far he has driven to meet this girl-apparently over an hour. And her initial reaction was less then enthused, which made him feel like she was disappointed and that he wasn't her type which made him sad because she is his type, and he has driven far to see her, and does she think he is fat? No really? Tell me honestly-do you think i'm fat, b/c you know how you don't always know what you look like until someone else tells you honestly, so honestly would you say i'm fat/chubby/out of shape for a guy? I mean i'm not running or exercising as much as I used to b/c you know i'm in law school and i'm busy, but like I was thinner, and i'm losing weight, do you think I would be more your type if I lost more weight? She mumbles three words. Then he launches off about why he went to law school-b/c all the lawyers he used to get his daughter back weren't really helpful-so really you think i'm overweight and you're not attracted to me.....

This goes on, and on, and on. More about him. More about his insecurity re: weight, more, more, more. I just want to rescue her. I don't know her. Probably wouldn't even like her if i knew her personally, but seriously this date/meeting is painful!!

9:52-he brought a change of clothes they are in the car, does she want him to change, b/c he can. What was your last relationship like?

9:54 And now they are leaving, and she looks at me plaintiffly. Maybe I would like her in real life. I smile a knowing, yet empathetic smile. That was brutal hopefully she is finding a way to wrap it up and not going with him to the next location. Poor woman.

Gosh, I wish they didn't leave. Now I have to go back to working.

Anyway so my Month O' Travel is not going to happen. My sister volunteered to go with me. And then the next morning after thinking about it she recalled that she is buying a house, trying to pay off bills, and need not embark on a month of frivolous spending. As she ticked off all the obligations she needs to pay, I recalled that I have the same bills to pay and need to save/slow down just as much. So the Month O' Travel is dead. Instead I think I'll blow some money taking my sister on a surprise local get-a-way.

9:59-This really clean 6-series BMW drop top on exaggerated rims pulls into the parking lot with two black dudes, one of whom is wearing sunglasses atop his head (why?). They exit the vehicle and walk towards an old Honda Civic two door with these two waiting non black chicks. Both of whom exit the vehicle to allow the dudes into the back seat. WTH?? If we're going to sit in a car, in a parking lot, I'm sitting in the BMW, not the Honda! Also, seriously, what are they doing? Blowjobs? Drug deal? double date? So many questions.

10:09-black guy with dumb sunglasses comes into coffee bean, apparently to make a phone call and/or purchase a beverage.

10:11-Sunglasses attempts to get into my line of sight under guise of toying with phone, waiting on drink. I ignore knowing that he purchased nothing, and is an idiot.

10:13-Sunglasses buys a hot chocolate-just say you're gay.

Ok so the timeline gets screwed up here, b/c my ex-bf Jovon shows up to say hello to me and introduce me to his new artist that he is managing Bluu.

Just before Jov shows up, the other black guy gets out of the Honda with an envelope, and he and one of the girls go into the trunk for something. The Jov appears in my line of vision and I almost don't recognize him because he is so skinny. Bastard. We chat, he states that I am lovely etc. I don't say that this is the first time i've seen him since May, and so don't start with me about how you miss me, care for me, i smell good etc, bull-ish. But he reads between the lines, b/c he knows me well and makes his guilty face. He also tells me that he finally put his free-loading perpetual child roommate/son out of his apartment yesterday. Huh, ain't that sumthin.

So anyhow I say all this to offer an explanation about how my live blogging went to ish. Then right after he left, the girls started to call about what the plan of action is for tonight.

10:35-I'm off to Sanaea's to meet up for some late dinner and drinks.

Ciao!

That lull...

Ok I am mad that someone said on facebook today that with the weather being overcast today that they guess that its the end of summer dresses for them. The audacity to presume that the end of summer occured in LA on August 13th. WHAT??!! How dare you, shut your mouth. The summer in LA is perpetual, aside for which thus far I feel like its been pretty mundane and I refuse to acknolwedge that it might be even remotely near its conclusion.

First, let me start by saying that the beginning of this summer had some amazing perks. First, there was the San Diego trip where I got to spend time with my old law school roommate and BFF Trenya. THEN there was the always random but consistently awesome partying with my Ace Sanaea. THEN my sister from another mother Stacee blew into town for a few weeks for work. Followed by a surprise dinner visit with my high school road dog, Candice. THEN, I went to Essence with my heart JAC who I hadn't seen in a year and a wide array of trials and tribulations. THEN after that my right hand woman and conscience, Krysanthemum got into town from Texas.

All of the bumping into my past and present made me remember and realize that I have an awesome network of girlfriends. There have been various periods of my life where I have felt alone, or disillusioned, or whatever, but all these visits made me remember that I have never been alone. Stacee has been riding with me since 4th grade, Candace since 8th, despite the length of time between talking to either of these two, we always pick right up from where we left off, the bond is that deep. I've known Krysti since 10th grade and we've been in contact consistently through every up and down since then. Trenya was with me during my first love, first heartbreak, and the ego killer that is law school. JAC's support, listening ear, and dancing feet got me through what I like to call the redemption phase of my life. Sanaea started out as a party companion/co-worker a couple years ago but since then has become a true friend and most importantly a psuedo boyfriend :).

The only other person I haven't seen is Jai. Jai is not only my party partner, travel buddy, and cousin, she is my longest phone conversations, and my toe-toe to verbal sparring partner, we've fallen out more times then I can remember, but we always come back like we never left. Also she is a nut and cracks me up. That's the other running thread through these ladies, they are hilarious. And if laughter is any sort of cure all, this summer has been redeeming for your girl. Then a couple weeks ago, I got news that Jai is moving back to Cali from DC and Stacee is coming back to SoCal from NorCal. WHAT??!! So in this one summer I will have seen all the women that have played, and are continuing to play crucial roles in my life. Whatever the reasons for their visits I am happy and appreciative for the happenstances that brought all these women into my life even if only briefly over these past few months.

So now I am going to totally contradict myself-I feel a life lull. At first it was really enjoyable, nice and peaceful. Kind of relaxing to have no real stressors, or nothing exciting going on. Just working, going out, hanging out, worshiping my God, basically chillin. And now I'm still chillin. No one trying to woo me, or confuse me. Really my phone barely rings, I go out with my girls to the same or similar places, I'm regularly dumb fly and that's about it. I know its a good thing. I know I should be grateful for the peace and quiet in my life, but to be frank it's a bit boring at this point. I'm waiting for something to happen, the other shoe to drop, a new love interest (I also met a boy this summer that I thought might be perfect for me...turns out he doesn't like me!? Can you believe that? How dare he not be interested in moi!), a new something. But i'm being careful what I wish for, while the idea of something exciting is alluring, the reality is I'm enjoying the lack of complication in my life. Things are good, so I'm just going to be quiet and enjoy it.

I do have one plan up my sleeve...The Jetblue all you can travel pass!! I am soooo most likely going to do this. I just need to map out when and where. Currently I'm thinking: Vegas for weekend 1, for #2 DC, #3 maybe Chicago, and for the final trip maybe a three day wknd in Puerto Rico. My friends are suggesting that its too much, that I won't make it through the month...Ha! I aim to prove them wrong...I think. Perhaps. :)

So yeah that's my current life, folks. Missed ya'll!

Summer...

Because it didn't feel right going in the other post...

Summer is basically here. How do I know?

I've started my cocoa butter regimen to erase winter's bumps and bruises from my legs.

I've begun summer dress shopping and wearing in earnest.

The Honey party series at the standard rooftop starts this Saturday.

I've bought my hair and have an appointment to have my weave put in.

And I've been working out. Which always means that hot weather is coming.

Needless to say, its officially summer in the city. Yippee!

I have been uncharacteristically insecure about my weight lately. and i'm not sure how to knock it off. Typically i am comfortable in my own skin and years ago learned that I actually like my body, I like my big butt, my tree trunk thighs, ample bossom, and even my rolly-polly midsection (ok actually I loathe that part, but its mine so i'll take it). After a lifetime of needing the validation of other people (men) to believe that I was fine, some time ago I got over it, determined within myself that I was lovely with or without validation. Incidently that confidence somehow made me even more attractive (as difficult as a feat as that may be...how does one improve upon perfection-hehehe). But lately, i've been in doubt. A few unintentionally hurtful comments, some not even really hurtful until compunded by the rest, including one from the last person to see me naked and voila i'm back living in insecure city. Actually that's not true, i'm not living there, just staying in a crappy hotel there. it's a passing thing, I know it is. But still. When do I get all the way secure? I think Oprah said it happens in the 40s, maybe 50s.
I'll get my swag back. I ain't gone let these folks worry me, as my mom would say.

I've got big plans for this summer, possibly too big...June I want to go to Dallas to see Krys. July EMF with JAC. And then sometime between August and December I want to spend a week with my mom and a week lying on a beach in the caribean. Also I just started my new job in April :) I'm wondering if all my travels might not be a bit too ambitious.

Nonetheless I am hype for the upcoming months...

23,000...

My great uncle passed a couple weeks ago and the memorial service was finally on Saturday. He was 80 years old, married for 47 to his lovely Nadine who he fiercely protected and cared for.

I didn't find out until he passed that he was the reason that my mother married my step-father. Her husband, my father, had been running around with his "girlfriend" and other baby-momma and basically continuing his 3-5 year assault on my mother's emotional health. When she was presented with interest from my step-father. She called my great uncle Sonny, and cried about how she loved my dad, he was the one, why couldn't he just act right, blah, blah, blah. Sonny said, "you need to get over it. That man (his nephew) does not love you. You are two young to wait on him, since he may never ever act right. You have a man that wants to be with you, that wants to raise your children, and to be the spiritual head of your family, pull it together and let that man love you." She paraphrased but said that it was the most hurtful, direct, helpful and wise advice she had recieved throughout her whole ordeal with my dad. It worked and at least in part b/c of that conversation, my mother managed to get over my dad and wound up in a loving happy relationship.

The brother giving the talk at my Uncle's memorial brought up something that has since stuck with me. The average life span is about 23,000 days (63 years old). He compared it to having $23,000, how would you spend that money? Would you frivilously spend it, on the hot item of the moment, would you hoarde it all and save it for a rainy day? Or would you invest it and let your money make money? Relating it back to our lives do we spend our limited amount of time on frivilous pursuits? Are we simply allowing the time to pass us, or are we doing things now to ensure us an everlasting future? I think that resonated with me b/c 23,000 is such a relatively small number. I always tell myself that I have time to pull it together, but I'm already nearing the halfway point, I'm at 10,220!! What have I been doing with my days?

As promised...

Its the first day of April. My life has changed so much since last April....in some respects for the better in others for the worse, I guess I'm just breaking even, which isn't the worst thing.

I guess I wonder if I've progressed at all. Am I better then I was? Have I grown or developed, matured?

I think I've become more honest with myself. I'm better able to internally articulate my feelings to myself-clearly I've always known how I felt but I wasn't always honest about why. There were lots of, "I don't know why I do/say/act up like that", when really I did know I just couldn't bear to say it aloud. But is being able to honestly assess helpful or important without action?

Anyhow this wasn't intended to be an introspective post. There are actually some good things happening in my life. I got a new job!!! Yay. And I'm honestly scared of it which I'm looking forward to. It's actually going to be challenge. I will have to figure out things b/c they must be figured out and not b/c I have to pad or bill my hours. How novel is that. Its a risk, and a leap but in this legal market why not? There's not some other more wonderful option that I can think of. So I'm gonna step up and step out on a bit of faith that this will work. Its exciting.

I've been in this strange wanting/needing companionship space. I actually considered for a whole couple of minutes letting my law school ex take me on a weekend get-a-way. Why, you ask? B/c I wanna at least play boo'd up for a weekend, do some couply stuff, be pampered and hopefully get this desire out of my system. But then I snapped back to reality....I can't go nowhere wit that fool.

I've been on this total eating healthy/work out kick. I'm really proud of myself-exercising everyday is a totally new addition to my life. It's kinda nice. My body feels good. I plan to have a killer body by summer, or fall, or winter...basically however long it takes. I've even discovered how to exercise regularly and maintain my press!!! Its incredible I know. My hair is not dumb fly like it usually is, but its still fly and not as puffy as one would expect. Be prepared though, if I get my 21 year old body back, you won't be able to tell me nothing, nor will you likely be able to stand me. Sorry. I apologize in advance.

Seriously...

I am so overdue for a new post...like seriously.
And one will come, but jeez do I feel busy-stretched to the max. There is just too much to do and not enough hours in the day to do them. "This can't be life"-Jay-z just popped into my head.

JAC-I wish I did have a dude offering to take me on a trip, regardless of how long i've known him, right about now i'd probably go. :)

Anyway I just wanted to make sure that you all knew I was still alive and kicking, just trying to get a handle on this unweildy thing I call my life.

In due time, kimosabe, in due time.

AI-Top 9

What are we on now? 9 people? Paula now loves a tutu-or at least tutuish dress.

How boring for them to have to go visit Ryan at work..that seems lame.

Anoop-Two lines into the song and i'm dancing. The vocals are just ok. maybe a bit better then ok...this jacket is distractingly stupid. And he was making some pretty ugly faces at one point, for what reason i'm not sure. I love that when Kara mentions frat boys, they cut to anoop's friends=frat boys. lol. What do they want him to do, i'm confused? Vocals were good, but....what, what do they want him to do?

Murderer of the greats Megan-I could cry that she is singing this song...I'm staring at her trying to figure out how or at what point ppl thought she could sing. She can't sing. And i haven't heard a time that she actually sounded great...she should have never been on here, in the first place. There isn't a song that she has sung that fits her voice, b/c....get ready for it...SHE CAN'T SING.

Danny-This is a great song for him. I appreciate that he knows his strengths, he understands what songs he glows on. And as usual he sounded amazing. but i doubt that he changed it all, he probably sung it just like it is on the radio and elsewhere...and thats what irritates me. Kara is always talking about artistry, when the reality is, if you can sing any song you sing will sound like yours, it is about singing.

Allison-Why is she playing guitar? Loathing her hair..its bringing out rage in me its so bad. But the lovely opening to the song are you kidding, her vocals sound incredible. She went back to her regular for the chorus, but the opening was gorgeous. Randy is right she looks like a crazy person, but doesn't she always?

Blind Scott-he loves a slow relatively boring song/performance. This will not turn things around, b/c it will be boring. I can't figure out if i love or hate his hair...oooh just saw his face directly and nope I hate it. He looks like a strange 90's character, like kirk cameron's evil blind cousin from the Seaver household.

Matt-this pimple in the middle of his forehead...its really bothersome, can't someone do something about it? He wants so badly to do this mild rock, and the judges and the rest of us want him to do R&B, b/c he actually has the voice for it...this song he is singing, you don't have to be able to sing to sing it...they want him to sing singers songs, R&B you monkey. Why can't he figure that out? It was exactly like that Coldplay night! But its what he wants to do, for some strange reason.

Lil-I'm scared. I love the hair. I like this dress (except for all the backshots they kept giving us). She didn't sound terrible, she sounded pretty good. But i agree with simon that it was a song done to stay in the competition. That was cute for Ryan to be genuinely caring when he noticed that she was crying.

Adam-with play that funky music and his dance moves, and Eddie munster hairdo. This reminds me of a drag queen performance, i could totally see him dressed beautifully as a woman doing this performance. He relies a bit too heavily on that falsetto screaming yell note thingy. But that was fun. Is paula reading this critique? That was so scripted. But he could totally be a Munster, he just needs more of a widows peak.

Chris-I love this song, i hope he hasn't screwed it up...WOW. I am really impressed. That was really awesome. He is gonna have a big career. And in the end of the competition when its down to him and Adam, America will choose him b/c you can't get more American then Chris.

If Megan doesn't go home tomorrow....it will be a travesty of justice!