Jenn in Wonderland...

Hey All,

How goes it? Miss me?

So lately I've been thinking lots about relationships and how I don't have one and why, and what the relationships I see are like, how the men I know behave and interact with women (theirs and others) etc...

I was not a "I believe in fairy tales" kind of kid. I didn't play with baby dolls, I wasn't into make believe. I was an only child with relatively older parents. I spent most of my time with adults, eavesdropping on their adult conversations, adult problems, and adult relationships. My parents were of the children are to be seen and not heard school of thought, and one of the benefits of being quiet was that adults thought I wasn't paying attention, or that I didn't understand. Ha! I was a plethora of information. Every now and again my mother would utilize this resource when she was relaying the details of someones business (gossiping)- "Jennifer, where did Mary say her husband went and how long has he been gone?" However, if I volunteered the information b/c she was telling the story wrong...yeah, I got in trouble.

So I grew up a very practical kid with little imagination. I knew there was no way that I was going to get a pony, so I never asked for one. But I knew that I could ask for a TV in my room, I wouldn't likely get it, but they would instead get me some other sort of electronic that I wanted like a stereo. I knew my limits, I learned when to push them or when to act within the confines of my reality. Confines of my reality-I probably used that phrase at 10. lol. I was too old for my own good. That has carried on into my adult life. I still don't believe in fairy tales. I think that things that are too good, are probably somehow untrue. I believe in the faults and virtues of humans, and I think that the man of my dreams doesn't exist. He can't, b/c in my dreams he is perfectly handsome, impeccably dressed, we are attracted to each other like wild animals, he is a perfect provider, spiritual family head, he is charismatic, funny, outgoing, and can switch his mode from corporate to ghetto at the drop of a hat. We don't fight, we balance each other out, and its all peachy keen at all times. In these same said dreams I have the body of my 20's, hair down my back, and am the envy of all women.

But I know for a fact that this man doesn't exist, because this scenario cannot exist. Marriage is not always peachy keen, its not always any particular way, it ebbs and flows, its high and low, its hard work, and in my dreams there is no work involved.

I guess you could say I'm pessimistic. Especially when it comes to men. My reality is that men are fallible just like me, at some point he will likely fail me, likely hurt my feelings, it might not be intentional but its bound to happen. We're human. We fail. We try but we fall short, and so will the man that I love and so will I. I'll still love him, and hopefully he'll still love me. That's the nature of being human.

So I presume that one day I'll find someone to be human with me. To share the ebb and flow, to enjoy and endure the highs and lows. But I've rarely allowed myself to believe that this man will share my religion. That just seems too much to hope for. To have all the personality points that I desire and share my religion, that man doesn't exist within the confines of my reality.

I've been to a few concerts lately, and from my vantage point seemingly all the attractive men were there with women. Granted, the concerts were Eric Benet and Anthony Hamilton and therefore a perfect destination for couples. Nevertheless, the men/couples that I saw didn't just seem to be on dates, they seemed to be a willing participant in a relationship with a women, a woman who looked something like me. Aside from the occasional roving eye, these seemed like committed coupled up men. Seeing them made the notion of me in a relationship sort of creep up into my reality.

Then on Friday I ran into a friend who was telling me that for the first time in his life he is in a committed relationship, he has an official girl that he actually publicly claims. He is in his mid-twenties, handsome, educated, and this is his first public girlfriend. I asked him what made him decide to finally have this sort of relationship, was it his age or was it b/c of some special quality of this particular woman? He said it was a combo of the two, at this point in his life he's looking for someone with particular qualities, and upon finding them in a package that he likes he decided to lock it down. I'm proud of him, happy for him. Not sure if men actually wanting to be in relationships is a new trend in my reality...

On Saturday I went to a party with my sister, and met some attractive men who seemed to have the personalities that I like, seemed well adjusted and normal, and most strangely of all share my religious beliefs. That's right. That which I dared not allow myself to believe in might actually exist. I still wasn't sure that I believed. Then today I saw those gentleman again, they were still fine, still funny, and then it dawned on me what the problem is with these mythical figures. Because they are so rare, they behave like God's gift. Because women throw themselves at these men, they have an over inflated sense of self. I love confidence bordering on arrogance, but the God's gift mentality is too much for even me. And so the confines of my reality remain in tact...The man I'm looking for who also shares my religion doesn't exist. I'm ok with that. Reality is what it is.

So much....

Topic 1:

I don't think that I can say anything that hasn't been said about what a moment in history this is for our people, this nation, etc. But I think that the one common sentiment is that it is a moving moment. I'm not sure what it means for race relations in this country, to some extent I fear that it means little to nothing. But it seems to me that on November 4, 2008 it meant that the vast majority of people in this country were indifferent to the fact that Barack is a black man. And that's not to say that those that didn't vote for him did so because he is black, to me it just means that most people in this country are completely ok with a black man being the most powerful person in the world.
I have never thought that all white people are racist, my life experience doesn't lend itself to that hypothesis. I have had far to many white best friends, mentors, teachers and professors, etc...to believe that they are all a bunch of hate mongering people. However I'm ashamed to say that for the average white person I encounter I don't put racism past them, especially if I happen to be in a "red state"/bible belt state/south of the Mason-Dixon. So the chip that I carry on my shoulder as soon as I step foot into one of these states may have been an unecessary burden all this time. Who knew? Who knows?
Whatever anyone's feelings on race may be, yesterday I was moved.

Topic 2:

Have you ever been privy to someones life, not close enough that you are involved directly-but close enough that you can't ignore what you are witnessing...and that life that you happen to be witnessing is a series of bad decision-making, and horrible circumstances after another?
I have these neighbors, who I admittedly have been plotting ways to get them as far away from me and my neighborhood as possible for some time now. Since their arrival its been nothing but a parade of social workers, police officers, screaming, fighting, doors slamming, children seemingly left to their own devices, front yard barbques and patio furniture, and a toodler that flees out of his house over to mine every chance he gets...basically its been a mess. As much as they drive me nuts, ruin property value on the street, and make me sad that they are the other black family on the street, my heart goes out to their children-who have no choice about how they are being raised, or the craziness of their parents.
They have a 17 year old daughter, that has had some difficulty in the past (how could she not have) but is now back living with them and back in school, etc. Every now and again she has a screaming fight with her father, but she has remained at the house for a few months. Recently her boyfriend moved into the house. I have never known or heard anyone use the F word more often, more ineffectually, or in lieu of simple words like this "man". Basically he talks to her like she is 1) dumb, 2) his child/property and/or 3) sub-human. I've only heard her argue back to him on a couple occassions and it usually results in his louder usage of the F word. The other day the mother of the house spoke to me to apologize about all the noise (they are so loud its like I live with them-aka my personal nightmare) and explained that she has told her daughter on several occassions to be more respectful to her boyfriend, that she shouldn't disrespect him. Because he is trying to help her by telling her how she should dress, and behave and if she would just listen they wouldn't have problems.

I wanted to cry on the spot. If this is what your mother is telling you, what is your sense of personal value like? How much self respect do you have? What limits for the way you will be treated have you set?

I've been trying to find an appropriate moment to run into the girl to tell her that this is not behavior that she should have to tolerate at 17, or ever! She isn't married to him, he doesn't support her, they don't have kids, there is nothing to tie her to him, and she is worth more then the way he treats her. I feel compelled to express this to her, I don't think anyone has ever told her. But I'm also petrified of the effect of my apparent befriending of her might be...their lives are far too dramatic for me, but how does one get only half way involved?

The girl and her father had a serious screaming match tonight, he put out her boyfriend yesterday, and a few minutes later I saw her stomping down the street with her suitcase, to God only knows where....I wish I would've had the presence of mind to offer her a ride at the time.

I so fear for the young women of this generation, from the neighbor, to the little girls my brothers date, the language and manner of speech they tolerate from these boys is freightening/maddening/infuriating. Then Soulja Boy speaks and I'm not sure if I shouldn't be more worried about the boys.

Topic 3:

So I'm on my "men are the bane of my existence" campaign right now, but I had lunch with a guy friend today that made me have a little more faith in his gender. Granted his explanation of male behavior was contingent on them being thinking, rational beings, so clearly his thesis was flawed from there. :) But it did settle down my venom somewhat, he reminded me that you aren't all bad. He did point out however that all the ones I deal with are in fact bad...so you know that was an insightful new novel theory.

Topic 4:

I have 'happened' upon some free internet music, including Beyonce's album, but my stupid old computer can't burn the freaking disc....I cannot express what a tease this is. I can listen to it on my computer only!!!!! Not the car, not loud enough for the house, only while sitting on my lap as I work. Some might say that is what I get for 'happening' upon such free internet music...to those some I roll my eyes!

I'm here to help you, help me...

I'm not that old. I'm not 21 but I'm not all that far from it either. In those years since 21 I have my put my time in at various night spots in various cities with various people. In my years of going out, there are various rules and regulations that I think must be followed to ensure a pleasant evening for all.

First let me say it is imperative that you the go-er outer decide prior to the outing that you are going to have a good time. My years of partying with white ppl have taught me that you can have a good time anywhere, as long as they sell alcohol, and....well actually that's it. I have found through years of careful study that many black ppl have all these conditions, and circumstances that must occur in order for them to have a good time. 4 specific songs must be played in a specific order and at a certain decible level, there must be a certain ratio of men to women, pricing of alcohol must be within a certain range, and everyone in attendance must be black-obvs, etc, etc, etc. It is infuriating, makes me hate you, and never invite you anywhere ever again.

So let me break it down for you in steps:

Step 1: Decide to go out and have a good time with friends. Regardless of who is there, remember you are with ppl that you like and enjoy the company of. Therefore all other things being equal you should be more then capable of having a good time. Unless you don't like these ppl, in which case, don't go out with them.

If you are the invited...
Step 2: Ask where the place is (address, name, vicinity-NOT directions), and what is the attire. DO NOT ask what every single person in the group is going to wear, DO NOT call the night of the event and ask directions to the establishment-you have the name of the place, you have the internet-if you don't you don't need to be going out anyway, you have other priorities like catching up to 2008. If you hate this place but have NO OTHER suggestions, do not complain about the place. You only get to complain if you are ready and willing to offer an acceptable alternate location...even then, if you are vetoed-get over it, and have a good time.

Step 3: Make logical travel/arrival arrangements. If you live next door to the place don't drive two counties in the opposite direction just to carpool, so you won't have to walk in by yourself (if you are an adult why can't you walk into a place by yourself????? How do you grocery shop? Go to Target? Get gas? Go to work? Unless you are a siamese twin going places alone should be a part of your daily routine). Also, if the plan is to meet at 10p don't call/text at 9:45 with modified arrangements usually involving someone waiting on you, or picking you up. And if you know, that you have to pick up little johnny from his grandmother, or have an early morning appt and you need the sleep-DON'T CARPOOL! No one is going to want to leave as early as you have to, and you shouldn't put ppl in that position-drive your own car.

Step 4: Be prepared to pay. Going out involves money. There is the valet, or parking of some sort, there is the possible cost of admittance, there are drinks to buy, tips to give. Do not be the person so pressed to hold onto cash that you are parking 10 blocks away (we're too old for that), breaking your neck and cursing out ppl in your party in a futile attempt to arrive before 10 or whatever arbitrary time the promoter has set up to taunt ppl (there is no way to make it before the time-they set it up that way, its a trick to get the line full early-however i guarantee they will hold you in that line until its time to pay...you might as well just get there when you get there), not buying a drink because you claim not to want one, until someone else in the party takes pity on you and buys you a drink but you never reciprocate the favor (stop frontin' and buy a dag on glass of SOMETHING-even water). Additionally, just because you didn't drive doesn't mean that parking is free! In fact you should more inclined to pay for parking since your gas was spared-chip in on parking-its a sin to make a person drive and pay for their own parking.

Step 5: Be easy. Enjoy the music, talk to a stranger about something random, dance to your favorite song when its played, when a 90's song comes on do a 90's dance, talk about ppl, be lively-even if you don't feel like it, if not then go home you are under no obligation to stay. If you are a light weight, don't try to out-do yourself, just b/c this is your one outing doesn't mean the rest of the party-goers want to take care of you.

If you are the Invitee
Step 2: Chose a location and time and dissemenate this information ahead of time. Don't make general allegations of a plan-"Let's meet up after _____ for drinks". This is not making plans unless you follow this up with concrete details re: time and place. Furthermore, if you have no ideas about where to go, don't poo-poo all other suggestions. Nor should you plan an event and then expect someone else to give you the perfect location-again, you have the internet do some research, and even if you make a poor choice try to have a back up plan and keep in mind that you are with your buddies so you should be able to have fun anywhere.

Step 3-5: Follow the same steps as above.

Because I go out frequently I often encounter ppl who would like to join me in my exploits. I'm thinking of making these steps into a legally binding contract. You will not be welcome to join me until you sign the aforementioned. Is that rude?

Euphemisms...

As some of you may know I like cleavage. I am fortunate enough to have an ample supply and from time to time (read: pretty much all the time excluding church) I like to "display" if you will that with which I have been blessed. I was recently told by a good christian man that I had been blessed by God, as he fell face first into the ravine that is my ample bossom. I was amused.

Over the weekend an acquantince mentioned that he was sorting his photos and came across photos of me from the very same night-his roommate then chimed in..."I knew I recognized you from somewhere". The evening we had this conversation I was all covered up, "modest" as I like to call it. As I explained my modesty, my acquaintence replied, "You can't hide a table with a table cloth." Brilliant. He and I are now friends, and this is my favorite quote. As he explained there are many variations of the same point-you can't hide a bed with a sheet, you can't hide a circus with a tent, etc, etc, etc. I love them all...the circus might be my second favorite.

The next night we went to one of my favorite hangouts-The Abbey. For new readers/non LA readers, The Abbey is this beautiful gay bar in West Hollywood (AKA-Boys Town), and Sunday is black night at the Abbey. Less techno and more hip hop is played, and black men are in more then usual abundance. My girls and I agreed that it was an incredibly sad night. This was the largest grouping of sexy, tall, black men we had ever seen in LA in one place at one time (this might be a slight exaggeration the UCLA Reggaefest is pretty prime as well). All of them dressed to the nines, bodies of perfection, some manicured to a fault others looking more manly then the straightest of straight men. It was a sight to behold. And explained the lack of tall, sexy men at my hetero clubs...sigh. Despite the sadness of it all, it was fun...people watching at its best. I'm only confused by the amazingly convincing transvestites and/or cross dressers...if you want to be a woman why are you here seeking a gay man...I guess its because they still have the parts but its still a point of confusion for me. But I guess its none of my business, and none of my concern. I just gotta make sure that I don't end up on a date with someone I recognize from the Abbey.

All in all it was a lovely weekend...I'm watching "Raising the Bar" on TNT, and the guy who played Ricki on "My So Called Life", is on the show...and he looks AMAZING! I mean he is still tiny and super gay, but he looks good!

Blown Away...

I haven't had much to say to/from/at the blog lately. I think it is because so much of what is on my mind is rather negative and kind of whiny and I just haven't felt like putting all that into the atmosphere. Ya know?

I have a tendancy to do this. I prefer to pretend that everything is ok, mostly b/c I know that sooner rather then later it will be-so what's the use in dwelling. And then after resolution I deal with whatever emotions are left over-usually none. See its a brilliant way to deal with emotions-no muss no fuss.

I miss my Virginia family. As much as I complained about being there. And Lord knows I did some complaining. I had an amazing family take me in and allow me to treat thier home as my own-I need to plan to see them sometime soon.

My bestest is coming to town. I'm hype. I love when she visits. But I always feel so bad for her, because she gets pulled in so many different directions. She has so many ppl to see in such a short period of time, family, friends, there are the obligations and the things that she would like to do, and of course the rest that she doesn't get. It seems less like a vacation and more like a schedule she has to strictly adhere to. But as is her nature she handles it all with a smile.

My mom called me the other day to tell me about a conversation she had with some mothers of some boys I knew growing up. The other moms revealed to my mom that thier sons had crushes on me during our formative/teenage/young-adult years. My mother was astounded by this, like she simply could not believe that these two could possibly like me of all ppl in the world. I was like i'm sorry should I be offended...have you not seen me? Why is this such a shock to you? She replies no I'm not shocked about someone liking you, i'm shocked about them liking you-have they not seen themselves? In what world would they ever be good enough for you? Do you remember what they looked like? She then follows that up with-I mean i'm sure they have fine spiritual qualities and that's what you should be looking for anyway, but i'm just saying! People always wonder where me and my sister get it from...good ole Jackie...we came by it naturally.

I haven't been watching enough football. Hopefully tomorrow night I'll get to watch the game.

Good night and good luck.

Absentia....

HEY!!!

I have a religious retreat this weekend, and I literally have nothing to wear tomorrow. I hate that feeling. Isn't it sad that none of my newer clothes are long enough, have a high enough neck line, or cover enough skin to wear to a religious event. Sheesh. Apparently I need some religion bad since apparently I only shop to go to the club these days.

Speaking of the club, I loathe this one particular club, one particular bouncer in LA. He is so blatantly white only selective that he makes me crazy. If your a white girl in a little piece of nothing, or even a not that attractive white girl with a gut...you are in. If you have a darker complexion-non white (although some Asian women are acceptable-but in LA they share most of the rights and privileges of the white girls) you can bet you will be ignored. I have only been to this club one other time, a friend was visiting out from out of town wanted the celeb hollywood experience and this place was sure to give it to her. We waited forever with every other colored girl, while every single white girl of any variety, dressed in any style was allowed in upon appearance. When we finally got in I commented that perhaps we wouldn't have had to wait so long if we were white...He pretended to get an attitude. Anyway I tried the club again b/c there was an event there, that had a list. My girlfriend and I signed up, got on the list +2. Voila, should have been no muss no fuss. Yeah, not so much. My friend who I deem "universally attractive" (meaning white, black, mexican, persian, other men are all into her) and is persian/indian got as much non attention as I did. She was outraged, I was hot but determined not to allow him to ruin my evening. We went to a nearby bar had a blast anyway and plotted ways to ruin that little man's life. The "power" that door guys think they have...he is the worst kind of example of that crap.

Sarah Palin makes me almost vomit. So does John McCain. So do Republicans. Its not that Dems are so much better or really different for that matter. But at least they are able to hide their contempt for the common man a little better, Repubs don't even try-"we love rich ppl, we will make you richer on the backs of whatever poor downtrodden we can find. Also, rah rah Jesus". Monkeys.

Speaking of Jesus-I love gospel music! But only on the low...and really i only know like 2 Gospels songs, including God is Tryna Tell you Something which is the Color Purple. But yeah I can admit it, I'm a closet gospel fan....Don't tell my Granny..or mom.

Speaking of my mom, we are all going on a family vacation to Myrtle Beach in December-Xmas week in fact. I think it might be fun...but how does one go to the beach and dress modestly? T-shirt, shorts? Do they make high-necked bathing suits? My mom, gotta love her.

Its football season!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA! I'm hype.

I have two friends that are in love and some stuff...One is planning a wedding the other has started to talk about the possibility of getting married. Its super cute for both of them. I'm really happy for them, and I think their relationships do melt a little of my cold blackened heart :)...but I hadn't listened to India Aire's Acoustic Soul in a minute. Listening to it the other day, the last verse of the song "Promises" reminded me of the two of them...It's so nice to know-even only by a degree of separation-a couple of gentleman who keep their word. Its refreshing news.

"Her wedding day and she's thinking ‘bout the way he won her affection
She was so cynical about love ‘cause she didn't want to be heart broken again
He looked her in her eye with sincerity, said he only wanted to protect her so she
Took a chance on him and she's glad she did because he came for real
And he did, just what he said, for that she'll love him forever
He kept his word to her, for that she'll love him forever"

Hope all is well...

June

Gosh I haven't even posted in June...the beginning of the month was spent preparing for my trip to St. Maarten, then there was the trip, then I got back and had a bunch of work to catch up on...and now here I am.

Hi.

I love vacation, it is one of the main reasons that I work. I like the ability to go where I want when I want, see the world, see the people of the world, and lay on as many different beaches as possible.

Yeah that's right, I'm black and I love to tan. Not like year round, tanning bed craziness. More like I enjoy laying on the beach soaking up sun. And man o man did I soak up some sun in St. Maarten. The beaches are beautiful, the water is clear, the people are so nice, and the men there love me, alcohol is super cheap...its sublime. I wonder aloud all the time-why is it that I don't live on an island? Then I remember-the one main two lane road on the entire island, the peoples general lack of urgency, the ridiculous tourists, and my inability to appreciate a "slow paced" life.

All in all the trip was great, my co-travelers were fantastic, we ate, we drank, we partied, we rested, did a little bit of everything-it was a very well balanced trip. We decided (and asked) that the employees of the resorts must at least occassionally score with some of the tourist women. Because lord knows they spit game HARD, I felt like I should tip them for the compliments alone. They wouldn't respond to my query about how often they score with the drunken women at the resort I imagine it couldn't be that hard...fulfilling the mandingo fantasy of some drunken suburban housewife-like shooting fish in a barrel.

After the islands I went to NY to visit JAC for a bit. I cannot recall every seeing so many sexy men in the same city in the same weekend. It was big backs as far as mine eye could see. I don't know how I would handle myself if I lived there...I felt like I was on a farm where they grew tall, thick, big backs-aka my dreamland. Granted whether they possessed the other attributes important to me is a mystery, but my my were they easy on my eyes.

I also went out in NY. First to a rooftop bar-230 Fifth- and then to 40/40. Both were very nice, I had a good time. Not all that much different from going out in LA-except the line to get into the bar was much longer, and 40/40 has no cover charge all night...therefore almost all black ppl in NY were at the club during the exact moment that I was there. I was completely surrounded by ppl, the dude behind me was dancing with me, i was just standing in my spot trying not to get knocked over. I lasted all of 5 minutes and then it was a wrap. I can't be that surrounded, its too hot and all I can think about is how I will be trampled in the event of a fire.

Now I'm home. Back to my bed, my car, my dog...not all bad, but it was nice not working, not having mail (I loathe post office mail-email me or leave me alone), and just being elsewhere.

To you: I literally ache for you. I can only imagine what you are feeling/going through. It blows and you, of all people, don't deserve it. You are in my prayers. I want to believe that someone somewhere can be/is successful at this endeavor, that belief is becoming harder and harder keep up. But you're better then me in that regard (and many others) so I know that you will keep the faith for both of us.

Also, pure white hennessy is the truth!

Game 101

Let's discuss Game, shall we.

I'm sure this is a conceited thing to say but i've never been on a date wherein I wasn't in complete control. That is to say in a contest of who had more game...the obvious answer was me.

Tonight I met my match. In fact I am certain that I was outgamed, out thought, out impressed. In a land of dreamers and wannabes I'm a successful young woman with all her own, I need not from any man. But tonight, tonight I was the one who was impressed, I was the one who was thrown off her game, the one shook. Shook. I was actually shook.

Anyhow-I had a great date with the restaurant conceptualist, and older men may in fact be for me...forget about these young men...lead me, show me something new, kind sir.

Bianca my Belle...

Everyone knows I love LA. I also love my car and driving. Generally having a car in LA is sometimes problematic. I could never say that I hate driving in this city, but there are definitely times that driving in LA is more of a burden then a pleasure.

Last night was not one such time.

Not many people were out, no police were out...it was perfect. I drove fast just because, I raced ppl who thought they could keep up, I weaved between cars just because I could. It was beautiful. Just driving around town I forget how powerful Bianca (my car) is, I forget that she is in fact a race car. Last night it all came back to me.

I feel back in love with my car again last night...she is the ultimate driving machine. I am forever a German engineering kinda girl.

Dagblasted Fresno...

Something about being in SF makes me feel the need to blog...maybe its the being in a new place feeling like I'm on a quick mini vacation.

Anyhow I got up at 3:30 this morning. Three-Thirty in the am...umhmm the same time that I'm often getting home is the time I had to get out of the bed this morning. Even my dog was like yeah you're on your own with all that waking up business, she looked up at me, then turned back around in her doggy bed.

I managed to get myself put together pretty quickly-due to elaborate preparation from the night before, every article of clothing laid out for me to put on, hair curled the night before, simple makeup thrown in my purse, I cannot be asked to think that time of morning. Out the house by 4 at the airport by 4:15, and sitting at my gate by 4:40. Clearly I overestimated the various lines to get into LAX for my 6am flight. So I passed the time ppl watching and talking to my parents.

After discovering that the flight is delayed, I'm chatting with the girl next to me about how I'm going to Fresno, she queries about why I didn't just fly into Fresno-"what!!?? There is an airport in Fresno, they told me I had to fly to Oakland! This is what happens when I don't do my own research." I am indignant. Then she mentions that the train I'm planning on taking to Fresno doesn't go that far. I hear her talking but she seems dingy so I'm not all that concerned, plus "they" told me that the train took them to Fresno for court just a couple weeks ago.

After the delay I arrive in Oakland at 8:10, I'm supposed to be in court in Fresno at 9am. I ask the first rent-a-cop I see at the airport whether it'll be quicker to take the train to Fresno or a cab. He looks at me and is like do you know how far Fresno is from here. I say no, but think to myself-if I knew the answer to that would I be asking you this question. He then explains while laughing at me that the train absolutely does not go to Fresno, that I couldn't have seen that online, and that I would never make it for my 9am appt. Bullocks! Being that I planned out this trip yesterday, looking online to see where the train would drop me off vs. where the courthouse was I could not fathom that I could have been so misdirected (read: wrong). So I persevered on, despite the rent-a-cops kind albeit mocking/kidnappy assertion that if he were getting off from work he'd take me on the 2 hour drive to Fresno himself, to the information counter grabbed a train map and hoped on the bus to the train-either way I had to get on the train b/c the only other plan for today was to have lunch with my girlfriend and she was in SF which is Definitely on the train route. I sit down on the bus break out the train map and sure enough no Fresno anywhere-oh crappity, crappit, crap. I break out my detailed plans that I obtained from the trusty internet yesterday and confirm-yep I'm supposed to be on Park Paseo Dr. FREMONT, CA at 9am.
Dang.
Fremont.
Lo and behold Fremont is clearly a train stop, doesn't have an airport and I'm an idiot working off of little sleep.

My colleague informed me that the train stop to court was a good little walk, the internet confirmed its about a half mile, and while granted that is walkable. I am not that kinda girl, so I call ahead to have a taxi meet me there. Besides the flight delay set me back timewise and I did not have the time or patience to be trying to hoof it. I get in the cab and tell him where I'm going in his thick middle eastern accent he informs me not so nicely that the courthouse is right on the corner...no one takes a cab to the courthouse b/c its so close...its just right there...ppl normally walk...its not a long walk...
I finally informed him-i am not ppl, the two lefts and one right turn he made indicate it is NOT on the corner, and most importantly I didn't want to walk! Sheesh. Can't a girl take a cab in peace!

I hadn't missed my case which was great, sat in court for literally hours! Finally finished that and headed back on the train to SF. This big guy sat behind me. I love the big boys don't get it twisted but I should not be able to hear you breath as if you are breathing in my ear after a long run around the block from a rabid dog and his murderous kkk owner.

Get to SF, and am standing in front of my girls job, which is apparently the only non sex shop on the street. Convenient for someone I presume. While waiting on the street for her to come down, apparently moved by all the adult toys around me I literally showed my behind to some unsuspecting little asian man. Yeah he saw my full, bare, bum. I forget that SF is not LA, a flirty little lightweight skirt will get blown over your head or up to your chest in my case...just ask the unsuspecting asian man.

We had a great lunch and I managed to keep my no-no parts to myself for the rest of the afternoon-which was no small feat.

Per usual SF was fab. Too bad I didn't get to shop. My friend and I vowed that the next time I came we would get a hotel and spend some time drinking and chillin-the girl knows me what can I say.

Be careful what you ask for...

Men.

Sigh.

My girlfriend asked for a hot guy, great body, just someone to share her bed with, he didn't even have to talk. What she got was a very, very sexy chocolate man, great body, and dumb as a bag of rocks.

I requested a big backed, baller, charming, bossy etc. Basically all the usual things that I look for (you know since its been sooooo sucessful for me in the past) in a man. What I got was all those things, literally a back to write home about, unimaginable swagger, flossy car etc. Also, he's a stripper. Not just any stripper, but according to all the black woman that I've talked to about him, he is the Jay-z of strippers in LA. My life is hilarious. There is only one all black male strip club in LA and he is apparently the headliner at said club. Nearly every single woman that I've mentioned his name to, at the shop, my book club, friends from highschool, the ladies at the revival I went to (ok, just kidding about the last one), all of them knew EXACTLY who I was talking to at the mere mention of his name. I could just imagine going out in public on a date with this gentleman...again my life is funny. And clearly I need to be more specific with my requests.

A new restaurant opened downtown, its lovely, great food, and the owner has a back that seems to be cut out of rock. He's very nice, but i'm convinced that something has to be wrong with him. I just mean b/c of my track record it would only make sense that he has something horribly wrong with him.

Today my little brother, who for whatever reason is desperate for neices and nephews, had a showcase performance. Apparently the local chapter of the NAACP has a talent competition for kids and my little brother won first place in classical singing. Yeah you read that right, classical singing. I had no idea that he did that...I was certain that he was going to be singing some Chris Brown, maybe a little Brian McKnight if I was lucky. Anyhow, I arrive there to discover that the gentleman leading the meeting is incredibly handsome, like beautiful. My stepmom leans over to me and asks, "so you want to join the NAACP", I replied, "no I'm good". A few moments later, a second possibly even more attractive big backed man walked in and I leaned over to my stepmom and said....do you have a membership application on you? My brother then decided that dude #2 and I should start seeing each other (surprisingly the boy has good taste) and proceeded to crudely "introduce" us, and give dude the "holla at her" eyes. My little 16 yr old brother hooking me up. I couldn't pick between them, they were both articulate, smart, funny, handsome, big backed. So I just played it cool with both, and gave them both my card in case the organization could use my services...you know I am giving that way. We'll see what happens.

The exes are still hanging around. They should form a club. The sometimey club. They could have meetings to discuss ways to reenter and then abruptly leave my life. It'd be fun like a little social club.

Sigh.

Men.

Been too long...

Gosh April 13th was the last time I was on here. My, my that was a long time ago.

Well hello there, all.

Things are going well. I can't complain.

The trip to St. Marteen is on and poppin. I'm super crunk about it. So crunk that I've given up carbs in preparation and turned to cooking. And guess what...I'm a pretty good cook!!! Turns out my family cooking gene, from both sides, did get passed down. Who knew! My sister said it looks like I'll make someone a good wife after all. Me? A good wife?! Forreal?! Pretty much I still can't see cooking every night, that business is exhausting. But i'm pretty good at cooking multiple things at the same time, so all cooking takes place on Sunday and must last all week.

Also, I am never going to a hetero club again. My co-workers brother came into town from Chicago and since he is gay we took him to our favorite homo club-the abbey. Apparently that was my night, apparently I have never nor will ever look that good again. I love compliments from gay men, they are the most pure compliments you can get from a man. He doesn't want me, and likely knows more about fashion, hair and makeup then I can ever hope to learn. So after hearing that I was georgeous about 12 times (which is exactly 11 more times then i've ever heard it at a hetero club) I made the decision that the gays are in fact for me. Now if only I could do something about all the techno...if we could resolve that I might move into the abbey. Of course there is also the issue of how to deal with the lesbians...

Just finished a great book about a mother daughter relationship gone wrong. It was interesting to read about the dynamic when the mother spent most of her daughter's life as an alcoholic. The book is Orange, Mint & Honey by Carleen Brice. I recommend it.

I also recommend this chick Adele from Europe, is it just me or does Europe put out the best blue eyed soul these days.

My little brother asked to use my car for prom in a couple weekends. Just the thought of it makes me tense up. I have to check my insurance coverages before I can even think about it. I'm scared not only for my car, ok mostly for my car, but also that he'll wrap the car around a tree and kill his fool self. And then I won't have a car...and one less brother. Who I obviously love dearly. :)

That's all I got for now...but good to see you all again...been too long.

Weekend Wrap-up...

Its summer...so for black ppl that means cooking meat outside with all your family and friends...Its BBQ time! They really are a fun time. There's food, liquor, people are in a good mood, women in summer dresses, good times are typically had by all.

I had a lovely time at K&M's BBQ. They are one of my top two favorite couples, I love them individually and as a couple, they're great-they give me hope for what I might one day have...all that good black love. They also have a wealth of great friends, yours truly included-obvs! It also doesn't hurt that they have a bunch of fine male friends making the eye candy almost as delicious as the food. Despite all of the chiseled, big backed distractions, I met some great girls as well. We followed that up with a visit to saddle ranch at Universal citywalk...didn't love it. It was just the most randm amalgamation of people, and I don't know if I'm just getting old or lazier, but I hate going to places that I have to stand all night...I want to sit down sometimes, all that standing ALL night is for the birds, the young birds.

The night before that we went to Tantra in Silverlake...I heard one of the best DJ sets I've heard since the last time Quest was in town...Jay Z from Reasonable Doubt days, Mos Def, Estelle, Sade, Groove Theory, some Brazilian music...aside from the couple literally having sex in the booth next to me, it was Great! No cover, super chill, I highly recommend it. Plus, I met Darryl from The Office!! He was so nice, he is my new favorite character on The Office.

Per usual the weekend was busy, but fun...This week/end is more of the same. Jay and Mary concert is coming up-YAHOO!-then a chilled out weekend of outings.

Also, Dating Sucks...

Yeah so I went out with Flower Guy. It was ok. Just ok.

Here are a few tips re: how to quickly piss Jennwill off on a first date.

Step 1: Be significantly late without a call or text message stating that you are running late. What is "significantly" you ask? We're meeting for essentially an hour lunch, you show up at 12:15...yeah that's significant.

Step 2: During said date talk/text excessively, without acknowledging that you were being rude. I understand having to conduct business during your lunch hour, that's not a problem. It is however a problem when in the middle of my sentence I hear you say "hello" and look up to see you answering your phone, or while I'm talking I totally lose your attention and eye contact because you are texting or responding to emails. My issue with this is, you invited me out. You called and requested my company. So now I'm here at your request, and what are you doing...you are on the phone and texting. Yeah that is irritating.

But he's not a bad dude, other then these two things it was a pretty standard first date. So when he offered to take me to the Laker game I was like sure! I could care less if he answers his phone, texts or whatever else while we're there...I'm trying to get floor seats or close to it before I die. Is that so wrong!? No.

So yeah, dating still sucks. It's all a show, a pretense. You put on your best "Flower guy" persona and I put on my best "Jennwill", which is really my normal self, just a little less sarcastic...and you say what you think I want to hear...He was very happy to say that he wanted a bunch of kids, and was shocked and appalled by me balling up my face at that comment-4 kids?? Who has 4 kids in this day and age? Who can and afford 4 kids and even if you could, why?...yeah you thought a single woman in her mid to late 20's would be pleased to hear that you want to father a small nation-HA!-not this one, and I'm sure I was supposed to say how much I love children and can't wait to be a mother etc...except I don't like kids and would rather work until my last breath then to take care of some kids. But I'm sure that typically works with other girls with my stats.

Anyhow I'll let you all know when the Laker game is! Pray for floor seats people, floor seats!

My Weekends...

I was asked to elaborate on what became of my desire to get dressed up and be hit on by men...It went well. The end.

I kid, I kid.

My weekends have been pretty good lately. Last weekend I went to celebrate my friends new job at this bar in century city with my girl from the Lou. Lately I have been getting lots of attention from older white men. and what with my mission to meet and marry a rich man, isn't the worst thing in the world. While none of them merited my time...the thing with white guys is I always feel like their interest in me is more of a novelty or "something new" rather then genuine interest/attraction. Anyhow-the attention was both out of the ordinary and nice.

The next night I went to a house party and then a club at JAC's fav spot-Blvd 3. I love that place! The layout is awesome, the DJ was great and even the go-go dancers were impressive. Those girls were forreal, forreal dancing. My girl S and I met up with some of her law school friends, she is Indian, her best friend is this white guy, and the culb is typical LA mixed crowd. Whenever she and I go out I ALWAYS get hit on by a persian, indian, and/or white guy. It is the funniest thing, its almost like they think-well since she has a non black friend, clearly she would like non-black men. I'm not bothered by this mind you, in fact I actually rather like it-its made for some fascinating conversations. I've learned that since 9/11 its been tough on the dating game of my persian brothers here in LA. He informed me that despte his appearance he is in fact NOT a bomb making fundamentalist. That made me laugh. Anyhow we had a lovely time, I danced hard, looked cute, fun times were had by all.

This weekend was more of the same. Summer is around the corner so my outings might pick up in frequency...thankfully I am well equiped with summer dresses galore! I discovered Sarah Jessica Parker's Bitten line at Steve & Berry's everything 8.98...yeah needless to say its a GREAT line. :)

This weekend my boy Ken is throwing a party. Which gives me a perfect opportunity to look super adorable while just so happening to run into my previous mr. man..."Oh wow, fancy meeting you here...what's that you say my stunning hair, makeup, outfit and shoes...this old frock and shoes, what make up? I wake up looking like this, and yeah I guess I did change my hair since last i've seen you...dah well enjoy the party" (walks away with hard switch due to impossibly tall heels and therefore super sexy calves)...and scene.

I gave a guy my business card at the Standard Hotel rooftop bar a couple weeks ago, and he sent flowers to my office, and followed up with a phone call last week. It was the sweetest thing. So I'm having a drink with him on Thurs...I'll let you know how that goes, provided that is that I am not kidnapped and held hostage as all my guy friends are telling me is going to happen. Here's to hoping for the best!

Music makes me...

My mood yo, it has been up and down! I had an irritating early morning wake up call this morning. I hate when ppl who KNOW that I am sleep, or will likely be sleep, call me in the morning. Why are you calling me? What can't wait until the afternoon? So yeah that got me up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. But then in a wonderful turn of events, work was really empty, and it was lovely and sunny, and I wanted to go get food from my favorite new soul food vegitarian spot...so at about 3:30...I opened up the roof on the newly clean, sparkly whip, blasted the Kidz in the Hall Geniuses Need Love Too mixtape and bounced. That definitely made for a nice afternoon.

My other newly discovered musical gem is Pacific Division they have a blend tape that is pretty hot. I love it when hip hop is light and fun, full of punch lines, and wit. This kid Wordsworth used to be one of my favs he is now with a group called EMC I believe, I downloaded their mixtape, but haven't heard it in the car yet-I haven't listened to something until I've heard it in my car. I also listened to Snoop's Ego Trippin today, it wasn't bad. I'm not a Snoop fan really, the only album I can recall hearing in full was Doggystyle other then that I hear only the singles. But this album was pretty good. I had burned it for my little brother along with a bunch of other stuff, that when I got there and saw that his lip was busted from some fight that he got into over a girl at school, I regretted burning for him at all. I know the music didn't/doesn't affect me (although my language skills and "colorful" verbs and adjectives tend to take a serious turn for the worst when I OD on rap) I just feel like he is so much more impressionable. And its not just conceit on my part, I just see him trying so hard to be "hard" and from the streets and all that crap, I worry that one day he might actually fool someone into believing that he is in fact a threat. Not sure that Lil Wayne and Rick Ross will help or hinder him from getting there, but I just feel obligated to do whatever I can to keep that from happening. He makes me so glad that I don't have kids and that I don't want any. I love him, but good Lord he is an idiot. Not that he's academically dumb, he's just a 16 year old boy and in my opinion they are not exactly built to make good decisions. He is however cute, funny, charming, and mannish...thankfully he hasn't quite yet mastered how to put all those qualities together but when he does...I fear.

I feel the need to put on something sexy and go get hit on by men this weekend. I need some male attn. But I am a one night only kind of girl, I only want to talk to you while I am at the establishment. Once we leave here I really don't ever want to see you again. I am into ppl based on the circumstance of our proximity...for instance if I meet/see Tom (random name used for example-lets say he is just a dude, not someone i'm blown away by-just some dude) at the gas station or grocery store, I am highly unlikely to talk to him aside from "excuse me". But if I see the same Tom at a club or lounge I might talk to him purely b/c I need/want someone to talk to. I'm still not attracted to him, I don't want him for any purpose, I just want to meet someone new and learn about them. And thats it. Whether we hit it off or not, there is nothing as fun to me as that initial meeting when I get to learn all the superficial fun stuff about you. We get to be flirty and light. A second meeting is never as fun, and feels so much more contrived. I try to explain this to men, they don't seem to get it. I think their instant mission is to get the number and the eventual goal is to get the goods-I vote no on both. So does that mean I am wasting their precious club time chatting them up knowing fully well I have zero plans of helping them accomplish neither of their missions? Should I start with a disclaimer: "Hi, I'm Jennifer, I'm going to talk to you, flirt with you, maybe even dance with you, my friends and I are going to laugh and joke with you, lavish you with attention and make onlookers believe that you are in fact the man. All of these actions will result in you thinking you have a shot at me/possibly us...you don't. Any questions?" OOOhhhh maybe when I introduce myself I should say FYI there is fine print. If they casually dismiss the comment I don't bring it up, if they ask then I give them the disclaimer...Because for whatever reason me simply saying, you are never going to be able to get me on the phone, or you will never be able to pin me down to a date, isn't working. They are not convinced.

Ok well its time for LOST!

Not much...

First lets talk TV...Making the Band 4-the boys are SOOOO much more interesting then the girls. All of Dawn's drama was getting on my nerves, Aubrey and her "we're platinum selling artists" seriously Aubrey-I know ONE person that owns your album-I'm assuming all the rest were purchased by children so please get off your own jock.

Two new shows that I love are Breaking Bad and Dexter. One is about a guy dying of lung cancer who turns to cooking meth to get some money to leave his family. The other is about a police employee who kills and dismembers killers and other bad men that slip through the cracks of justice. You all know how I love my uplifting TV.
Americal Idol is not that great this year. Lost is amazing! The new Oprah show basically requires a box of tissue per viewing. Thank goodness I haven't tried to watch an Oprah show AND the GiveBig on the same day I might strain my tear ducts. When the shows come back following the strike I am going to be stressed out trying to watch everything.

I was wondering the other night what I did before DVR (Tivo). Did I stay home and watch stuff? I remember having serious difficulty with the VCR, so did I just miss things? That is no way to live. Tonight during my prayers i'll be thanking God for the blessing of DVR without it my life would be so much less.

I haven't much been in the mood to blog...there is sooooo much (sorta) that I want to say to a particular someone but I refuse, I'm fairly certain that I have said it all before and I hate repeating myself so I will keep my thoughts to myself.

I think that relationship trouble is cyclical...like everyone I know will be in throws of angst for a while and then content for a while and then angst again, and on and on, over and over. A friend of mine theorized that its seasonal, summer (for obvoius reasons) is the worst time for relationships while winter is the best. I think there is some truth to that...what was the poem/literature titled "The Summer of my Discontent" about?

Pray for me I have TMJ.

Speaking of Danity Kane I am listening to the album now and am (SHOCKED! APPALLED!!) underwhelmed. Sorry JAC. :)

Today has been brutal at work...drinks on me at the house!

Its summer in the city...

I'm hype tonight and guess why???????!!!! It's HOT!!!! Yay! I walked out of the house this morning in my jacket and closed toed shoes and had I not been running late, per usual, I would have turned around to change into some open toes and a jacketless outfit. Now it feels like Cali. Now I'm hype. It feels like spring/summer is here, like this is LA, like its pedicure and fresh press season, like its light makeup summer dress season. My absolute favorite season.

I am determined (DETERMINED) to spend some serious quality time with the beach down the street from my house this season. I was on vacation last month worshipping at the alter of the beach and realized...I live up the street from a beach that I barely go to...why am I so excited to be at the beach? Last year I went to the beach twice...how sad is that? So this year...you'll find me at the beach-yo. But I gotta take my vitamins, get a TB shot, and pack some mace to be hanging out at a cali beach lol.

I'm also super excited to be hooking up with one of my favorite people for dinner/drinks at one of my favorite new places tomorrow night...Things are starting to look up!

"I don't like unless it's brand new....

You might see me in my brand new whip/bumping my brand new ish/ you don't like it get off my brand new ---k, ----a." Rhymefest.

I feel very brand new these days.

I'm eating new things-trying out vegetarianism for a while. I'm all hype to hit up some of the much talked about vegetarian restaurants in LA.

I'm getting a new tire-with all the hateful things that have been done to my beloved car, i'm pretty convinced that someone intentionally did something to it. But I can't think of anyone that cares about me that much.

My hair is new-got a new spring/summer lighter color. Love it.

I'm looking for a new job, in a new field of law.

I just watched this Oprah with Suze Orman about women getting smart with their money. She was talking directly to me...it was strange, I was like how does she know me? So now I'm all about getting brand new and more diligent with my finances...esp now that I'm about to drop a sizeable chunk on a new run flat tire.

I'm going to grow out my eyebrows for a new shape.

I want new makeup. (but I can't/won't. See: Suze Orman)

I am addicted to new or previously undiscovered musical gems...the kid Blu of Blu & Exile Below the Heavens was a wonderful find. I found another album today that Blu did with another producer. This mixtape of Andre 3000's greatest verses. If got-dang Lil Wayne wouldn't put out something every 13th minute there wouldn't be so many mixtapes available. Really all these mixtapes are a bit much-there are just so many, and always with someone yelling over someone else. I just DL'd my first DJ Drama tape we'll see how much or how little he screams.

I want to learn Salsa dancing really well-that should be a goal of mine-Get good at salsa in the 08. Being good at it will be new to me.

Anything brand new with you?

While my dog sleeps on my lap...

So I'm kinda hateful. Like I am a super nice person...ppl generally like me, I'm kind, generous, relatively forgiving, I try to look over ppls faults like I hope that they will overlook mine. But when I feel crossed, slighted, intentionally hurt...yeah its a wrap, I have very little ability to forgive. So this chick that I haven't spoken to in over three years who caused me some of the greatest pain in my young life while I was in law school...has kind of reappeared in my life. She has always been just on the cusp of my social circle many of my law school friends including one of my closest friends still speak and socialize with her. And that's fine-initially during my actual hate stage it was problematic but I realized that she hadn't betrayed them...only me. So recently due to some geographic proximity and some friend overlap she ended up hanging out with my cousin. They had a good time, my cousin felt guilty about it afterward-I told her she need not. I'm over the hate. I haven't forgiven her, but I do understand why/how my cousin could have a good time with her-she's a fun girl. But I talked to my law school buddy today who is still close with her and she mentioned that the girl has been desiring to contact me...she has felt a need to reach out to me, but she wants to pray about it before she decides. This news made me think about her today, and made me think about how I feel about her and how I feel about forgiveness. The conclusion I came to was I need to pray too, I might even need to pray double. I haven't thought about her in quite some time and I can't really think of anything that I want/need to say to her. I think that in situations like this ppl reach out b/c they want to make themselves feel better-its the guilt. As it stands I don't know what I will do or say. I'm too old not to be civil and I think I’m too removed from the situation to be emotionally raw...I think. And really the Lord might enlighten her that this isn't the time, or may move me to skip or miss the call-because clearly she is too evil to be heard by God...hehehehehe.

I've been saying out loud that I think that I want a new job. I don't know why but I've always felt that words spoken out loud have more weight then those spoken only in the heart/mind. So I've been thinking about a new line of work for a little while but I wasn't ready to speak it out loud....I'm now ready. I love what I do, I hate/loathe/would rather cut myself then bill. I am so sick of accounting for every moment of my time. We'll see what happens.

If word hits the street that I got picked up by the fuzz-its illegal downloading. I was burning cds like a fiend today. I love music...and its so available and free and earlier then you can buy it, and best buy is kinda far from me, and I’m really busy, and its the new hotness how can I NOT have it! Sigh.

And finally by way of my general craziness....I think I had a mini stroke yesterday or over the weekend. I was at work today and could not for the life of me remember the names of ppl that I talk to every day. Like the names were gone...clearly evidence of a mini stroke.
And today I read that Pimp C died of complications related to promethizone/codine cough syrup....I was prescribed that kind of cough medicine with this last cold/virus. I took it for like 5 days...Lord I could have died! When I went to the doc for the cold I also asked the urgent care doctor if she could prescribe me some migraine medicine, she looked at me so crazy and was like for what...ummm migraines. And she was like what do you normally take...oh Fiornal...and perhaps it was the ease with which I was able to name all the drugs that I had been taking and/or wanted for this virus...but she definitely looked at me like I was a drug seeker and told me to contact my primary care physician to get that prescription. I thought it was funny...don't get mad at me because I know what works.

Assorted Thoughts...

Wow its been a while. I hadn't even realized how long. So much going on. Had a wonderful vacation, met some new fantastic people, and rekindled my love and affection for some other good friends. Realized how amazing my growing circle of girlfriends are-to just say all of our titles wowed and amazed white ppl with limited exposure to black ppl. I returned to what I like to call wild jamaican typhoid fever (aka-a bad virus) and a dude who is going through a phase, a phase that involves disinterest in seeing or talking to me. Ok thats fine. One of my favorite ppl on earth passed away. We knew it was coming, it had been for some time, she had prepared us...but there is still something so abrupt about the passing of a loved one. So abrupt about the end of a life. No matter how far along you knew that it was coming. I'm going to miss her. She was one of the most genuine, positive people I have ever known. She was my mother's best friend, they've been friends longer then I have been alive. I always felt like they didn't talk enough, like they had put their friendship on the back burner in light of their families, spouses, other priorities. But when they got together or spoke they fell right back into the groove of their friendship-their particular, specific, personal ebb and flow. I am blessed to have friendships like that, the kinds that require little to no maintenance, they simply exist, because me and that other person have a chemistry or equilibrium that won't change simply because our circumstances change. Those relationships are invaluable and I weep for my mother having lost one of hers. Despite that heaviness, its good to see my parents. I think I missed them. Plus this will be a short and (bitter)sweet visit. I'm realizing i'm stretched really thin. So many obligations and i'm beginning to drop the ball a bit. I hate dropping the ball. I can't join anything else or accept a position doing anything else. At least not until I get all my current obligations into some managable schedule. Despite the tone of all this i'm actually in a good space/place. Yeah I am...promise.