On the train...

Medicine is a wonderful and scary thing. I have had migraines since I was two so over the years I've tried what seems like every painkiller known to mankind. In more recent years they have developed migraine specific meds and while effective the side effects are a trip. When I took it last night the pain and symptoms went away and I felt much better, happy and alert despite it being after midnight. However the next day side effect is that I will be inexplicably meloncholy-pain free but sad. Its crazy to me that meds can have that kind of effect on mood, state of mind. I recognize that there are many who utilize mood altering drugs to their benefit it just seems like some advanced technology from a Jetsons type world.
To some extent it makes me understand addiction (I saw a stage play based on the life of Ray Charles this wknd, and Mario's new video about his mothers addiction yesterday-so addiction has been on my mind). I can understand the attraction to consistent "happiness", carefree despite whatever the reality of your world is. But I don't think that the feeling lasts-i think the initial "happiness" ppl experience is what they are consistently striving to get back to-maybe its just the ability to enter the altered reality and "get away" for at least a limited time.
I just don't think the gap between perscription dependant individuals and illegal substance abusers is that wide. Both are using a chemical substance to alter what they naturally are-be it bi-polar, depressed, stressed,etc....

I'm returning to this topic on my train ride home, the previous was written on my way to work. I'm listening to Damien Rice's "The Blowers Daughter" and I can't concentrate on the previous topic. This song...I can't even explain what it is about the song that gets me...likely its the connection to the movie "Closer"...but even without that I think this song is so beautiful-although honestly I only know what he's talking about for parts of the song-he can't take his eyes off someone, who it seems like he might be breaking up with, and she may or may not be the blower's daughter. Lol.

My other favorite movie song "You made a fool of me" by Me'shell N'dgeochello from "Love & Basketball". That song gets me, esp when combined with that scene! Sheesh that was deep!

To be honest I just love meloncholy music. I love it when I feel an artist's pain, when I can hear in their voice their passion, angst, anger etc...Music is so powerful.

Alright that's all the nonsense I got for ya'll right now :)

Sam Cooke said...

Its one of those periods in my life where the familiar and old are having a renaissance. The status quo has changed, and while I'm not mad about it, its just something new to adjust to.

Work is super slow. I hate that, b/c since I have to account for all the time in my day, when I'm at work and not actually billing-I'm irritated that I have to be there-b/c if I'm not billing I could just as easily be shooting the ish at the house!

At a hotel in Oakland I saw Pat Riley and Shaq. Apparently the Heat were staying in my hotel. For like 2 seconds a rush of groupieness came over me..."What do I need to do to get the attention of a basketball player, right now in this hotel restaurant?" Then I remembered that I think professional athletes are whores and petri dishes of undiscovered infections, bacteria and disease. And with that the groupiness subsided. But what is it about a financially secure/rich man that is so attractive? Is it the swagger that money gives them? But all groupie predilection aside I've always had a crush on Mr. Riley (Pat, NOT Teddy), there is something about that white man...

Speaking of white men, each time I have a negative experience with the brothas I threaten to go white, (even though pink meat scares me) so I re-watched "Something New" to take notes on all the tips for being adored by a big backed white boy. Here is another question I have about this movie and others of its ilk, are black women the world over just that similar or is someone eavesdropping on me and my friends and basing characters in major motion pictures on our comments during conversations?? Every time I watch one of these upwardly mobile sistah girlfriends conversations in one of these movies, it sounds exactly like a conversation I've had with my girls at one point or another.
So really who is following me?

I think the reality is that men of all races have problems and the same is true of women...I can only work on/change me.

Speaking of me. I am obsessed with sequins. I guess this is an extension of my love for all things bedazzled. But yeah I tried on two sequined dresses this weekend that I might need a sponsor to obtain, but I must have nonetheless. So fabulous.

There is a party coming up that I am super hype about, then the cruise...lots to look forward to.

And what is it about the chilly weather that makes me feel like I should be tangled up in the sheets getting my back blown out? Oh. Sorry, just me...? I hate winter for that reason. All the other seasons I'm happily solo and content with celibacy (as "content" as I can be that is), winter rolls around and its like I'm back to week one of being off the wagon. On the wagon? I always get that confused. Any AA member wanna put themselves on blast and correct me?


"Don't feel no pity for me
Cause I'm going through a couple things,
Life means change,
That's the way it goes..." Jill Scott "Wanna Be Loved"

...

So my Ace is moving away, the fabulous JAC. I'm super hype for her and all that this new opportunity means. I still havent really thought much about the fact that she won't be living down the street anymore. In fact this post is the most i've contemplated that future...this post therefore might be short :).

This was the weekend of her party-it was fun. The right mix of ppl were there and hilarity ensued. By far my favorite part was watching the men politic and goof off, there is just something so heartwarming to me about watching these men enjoy black male camaraderie...these successful, ambitious, money having, grown men being, responsibility taking care of, fresh to death dressed, silly men. Wonderful.
I thought the couples were a beautiful thing as well. All that good black love. I aspire to that one day.

What else....a couple situations that I thought might cause me stress that evening didn't materialize in the way I thought they would so I was happy about that. I was irritated from time to time but overall I let the irritants roll off.
I'm dreading going to work tomorrow.

The rest of the week is full of various farewells for JAC. Makes me think of how segmented our lives are...the party ppl over here, the religious ppl over there, work ppl elsewhere...funny. I just hope she doesn't feel spread too thin. Moving is a busy time and while trying to see everyone before leaving is noble and kind (inkeeping with her normal personality) sometimes limits have to be recognized. But if she's in, i'm in.

I'm happy we have the cruise coming up. otherwise this move might be more problematic for me :) I know that I'll be seeing her in about a month so there is no need to think in terms of missing her or, or being sad...i'm going to be seeing/partying/laughing/relaxing/catching up with her in like 5 minutes, what is there to be sad about? Plus the other J will be here in a week or two, so the transition won't be too hard. Awww my girls. My east coast girls.

For JAC I pray that she gets the grasp on her relationship with God that she wants, I pray for her and baby boi-who each time I see them solidifies for me the for-realness of their love-, I pray she won't be too cold, that she'll make good, wholesome new friends, and rekindles old quality friendships (and leaves those nonsense, crazy, dont call that person ever again friendships alone :) lol), that she'll love her new job, that i'll get to somehow benefit from whatever perks she might have :), and that I will be bridesmaid dress ready for when she moves back. Yeah that's assuming a lot, but hey its what I do...

Dealing with emotions....for Dummies

So i've been having all these discussions lately about how we as black women deal with issues in our lives, the emotional and mental ones. I am of the "Suck it up and make it work" camp. I was raised in that camp, all the women in my family are in that camp, and the men too are strict adherents to the policy of "that which does not kill you only makes you stronger or bitter, as the case may be".

Thus far being in this camp has worked well for me. I consider myself happy and well adjusted here. There is nothing outwardly wrong, I have things that cause me a fair amount of mental/emotional anguish but since I haven't/won't/or are not ready to do what is necessary to fix/alleviate them I don't think about them much. I am a problem solver. If there is an issue, I want to find the solution. If I consider a problem and come to the conclusion that there is no solution or I'm not ready for the solution, i stop thinking about it. My thought is, if there is nothing to do about it why keep torturing myself ruminating over something I can't control or fix.

And that is how I live my life.

A friend told me recently that all of my going out and being stretched periliously thin have to do with me looking for activities so that I don't have to deal with the things that bother me. Her point has merit. If I have a problem with another person I am all about confronting them and getting a resolution, so that I can check that off of my things to do list. But when I am the only actor involved, when its my own thoughts that demand confrontation i ignore them until they are silent, or occupy myself to keep them at bay.

Ok, so: "Self", I say to myself, "No more going out all the time. Relax on the going out and reflect some." So now instead of hitting the town I hang out at home, supposedly to reflect...really I'm just watching tivo, or a movie, or reading my book. No real reflection takes place. Plus, where going out used to "make me feel better" I've replaced it with shopping. Yesterday was a bad day at work, I couldn't focus, i had a lot of other crap on mind (things I can't really do anything about, or am not ready to do anything about) and finally i realized I was wasting time and left. I was supposed to go home, relax, and just get my head together. Instead I went shopping. By the time I was done i was so pleased with my purchases and how well they worked with my new shoes that I no longer needed to reflect, so i watched Tivo.

I realized today, on my drive into the office, that I don't know HOW to reflect or work out my issues. If I can't put my finger on a solution, or am not ready to take the steps necessary for a solution, then what am i doing but putting my mind and emotions through an exercise in futility? I don't know how to self soothe. If I need to feel better I have to DO something: eat, drink (not in the alky kind of way), shop, go out, do my hair and make up, get dressed up etc...I don't know how to sit down think about a quandry, or some left over emotions, or a feeling of "some sorta way" and make myself feel better about it, or deal with it.

So as I was driving I was thinking I am going to do some research on how to deal with my emotions and stop running from them....by the time I got to work, I hit up a friend to have dinner with me tonight, decided to invite some other ppl out tomorrow night, solidified plans for Sat, scheduled a dinner for Sun, and thought of ppl to go to a concert with me on Mon....I'll try again some other time, i have too much to do this weekend.

Searching for my best friend...

I don't know when it happened but I have become obsessesd with bling. I mean, I all of a sudden NEED diamonds in my life. Of course no average sized diamond will do, so I've been researching how to get the biggest stones for the buck. For the moment obiously fake shiny baubles have made for a suitable stand in, they are shiny and fun.

But how to get the same sizes and same shine without having to save for the rest of my life?

Plus I really don't like the idea of the lives and limbs lost mining the diamonds or Debeers near criminal stranglehold on the industry and artificial "rarity" of diamonds. I am even bothered by the notion that only a diamond can signify love devotion and fidelity-dont get it twisted no man of mine would be fool enough to ask my hand without a ring that had a substantial stone, but does he love me less if that stone is an emerald? Or a pearl? Who said that a diamond specifically had to be used? DeBeers. Even with that reservation I do think that I would prefer that the ring that I wear for the rest of my life to signify that I am hitched in fact be a diamond.

A couple years ago, while in law school and in love and contemplating the very real possibility of marrying someone, I started researching DeBeers alternatives, and discovered the then fledgling industry of man made diamonds. The science had very recently been refined and was just beginning to be used in the creation of jewelry.

Fastforward a few years I'm dolo and the science has been perfected and is being used in a variety of applications not just jewelry. As we all know natural diamonds are made as a result of years of intense pressure and the confluence of the necessary elements, temperature, pressure and time. Like darn near all else, science has figured out a way to replicate all those variables in a lab and create/"grow" diamonds with the same properties as near flawless natural diamonds (same light refraction, can cut glass etc) in a fraction of the time it takes to grow in nature and at a fraction of the cost.

I'm all in.

Diamondnexuslabs.com

Activism

I have had a lovely weekend. My state of mind feels good.

Friday I had drinks with some lovely ladies in downtown Long Beach. There was no occasion, no reason for our gathering other than to unwind and discuss our strikingly similar current states of being. What is it about someone telling a life story that sounds like yours that is so comforting? If I wasn't watching the words come out of their mouths I would have thought that I was talking. I think there is solace in knowing that smart, beautiful, self confident, God fearing women just like you sometimes fall into the same traps, same situations, and same weaknesses...we're not bad people, not dumb, not terrible miscreants...just women, just trying to find our way.

Saturday I went to the Alumni Board meeting. I felt like such a grown up sitting on a board and all! I was very concerned about how I was supposed to be dressed, whether it was a business casual affair with a bunch of stuffy old ppl or whether it would be in true Pitzer fashion. I should have known it would be Pitzer affair-totally casual. We went around the table to introduce ourselves and discuss what it is we are doing, and what we carried with us most from our experience at Pitzer. I love my job and have always been proud of what I have accomplished in my short life. After about the third person in telling their story and what they were doing with their lives, I felt like I had done nothing. My life was a waste, and I didn't deserve to sit with these people who had made it their lifes mission to sacrifice themselves on behalf of others and actually lived what they believed. Then there I realized the president of the board is a partner at a firm with over 3500 attorneys and I realized that on the scale of good and evil he was WAY closer to complete and utter evil then I am. :) But it was just like my days at Pitzer. Everyone was hugging trees, protesting, locking themselves in buildings etc, and while I supported the causes I wasn't interested in taking the president's office hostage, I had things to do, classes to attend, lunches to have with professors etc. But I cannot say that I have or will be as socially conscious as I was at Pitzer. There was not a topic I didn't have an opinion on, not a day that I didn't nearly shed a tear over Africa, the poor, the environment, animals, and/or a myriad of other topics. It was indeed tiring keeping up with all the conspiracies in the world. But I was educated about the world, I knew what was going on. I miss that to an extent. It was woeful and overwhelming at times but I felt informed, and with that information I could at least THINK about doing something.

Anyhow being back on campus and with other alum reminded me of all the reasons I loved Pitzer, and brought back lots of memories. I am so glad that I chose there to attend. The school has been in the news lately for a class that is being taught on and about YouTube. I love the freedom that Pitzer allows its faculty and students to pursue topics and courses of study that are outside the mainstream.

Sunday was pretty chill, I discovered a new wine bar in Long Beach where hopefully my book club and I will be able to have our next meeting. And I didn't shop which was a feat in of itself cause lord knows I wanted to. This girl right here might have an addiction problem! :)

Lovely San Francisco

Once again I had to travel to SF for a court appearance. The weather was surprisingly warm and wonderful.
Something about being in San Francisco makes me need to buy something. I need to eat at delicious resturants and I need to buy things. I think its the fog, or maybe the fresh air coming off the water that whispers "Go to Union Square...buy something cute..."

So as soon as court was over (nevermind the fact that it was the most useless court appearance I have ever been too, it lasted all of 20 minutes, though I could have left about 2 minutes in after they passed out what was essentially the Judges rulings) I ran out and caught a cab to Union Square. I had intended to try some local restuarant, but it was 2:30 and I hadn't eaten all day and couldn't be bothered to try to discover a tasty place to eat, so I went to my old favorite Cheese Cake Factory and had a delicious lunch. There were two men sitting near me and one was a bit effeminate and so I mentally declared them to be gay and on a date. As I overheard their convo (yes I was eavesdropping, I was eating alone, what else was I supposed to be doing?) turns out one of them was recently married and they were collegues, or old classmates or perhaps even relatives. The point was they weren't gay, or at least one of them wasn't, and I thought about how sad it is that I see two men eating together and I automatically peg them as homosexuals. Granted its SF so I guess I would always lead toward that supposition, but still its sad.

After lunch I hit up nearly all 8 floors of the Macy's Woman's Store...some lipstick and boots later, I headed over to H&M. All in all I didn't do too much damage. But it was a lovely day. And this time I made friends with some lovely ladies while I was boot shopping, Yvette and her friend.

My friend S left work early to grab a drink with me. She is always a highlight of my trips north. She is actually dating someone that she calls her "boyfriend" they have moved in together. He has a kid that he keeps every other weekend or some such, they have just turned into a regular little family. Which is nuts to me. S is NOT the "boyfriend" kind, definitely not a live in boyfriend type, and most assuredly not a stepmom...she redeemed herself as the S I know and love when she said that she told the BF that his daughter couldn't come over until she was over head lice. Head lice??!!?? There is no cure or vaccine for that yet? I didn't know ppl still got that, is she going to come up with Rubella and Whopping Cough next? She said its all good with this new life, but the kid does complicate things, and although shes nice to her, S is not interested in being mommy #2. Another friend of mine is dating a guy with kids. I guess we're at that age where the men in our lives are more prone to come complete with kids. I have always been against the "just add Jennifer ready made family". But it is a reality of our age I guess.

So i'm headed out to grab a drink with a friend. Tomorrow I am attending my first meeting with my undergrad as a member of the board of alumni, and movie night with J. Should be a good weekend. Take it easy folks.

Good

I had a good night last night. Heroes was good, even Chuck was entertaining. I went grocery shopping. I've spent the past week or so cursing myself for being unable to satisfy my hunger or thirst in my own house. The thirst I thought was especially bad...I would get home and be like dang there is nothing in this house to drink!! And threaten to go to 7-11 but never make it and the next day replay the same scene. So I went to the grocery store last night and may have over done it on the drink front...But I was very hype about my savings with my Ralph's card! I now have food and PLENTY of beverages.

I also got to turn my brain off last night...I didn't think about anything, not work, none of my stressors, it was a free night. I also decided that I was deserving of an exhorbenantly expensive trip to the spa at the W. That body scrub makes life worth living, and if its wrong I have no interest in being right. Sadly I just don't have the time block right now to do it. For that much money I plan to use their facilities ALL day.

I'm really excited to be going to SF tomorrow, my friend S is available for dinner, I'll have some time to wander around the city...yippee.

I feel good today. I think its cause I got some things off my chest. Not enough with one and perhaps a little too much with another.

Some new favorite things of mine:
Air Force Ones-darn near obsessed.

A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini...wonderful, wonderful book. Its by the same author as The Kite Runner, a book I went to lend the other day and realized I didn't have it any longer....wonder why...

dangerousnegro.com-I like the message, i like what they are about. I want to buy some of thier stuff.

Blackberry Curve for TMobile-This device has singlehandedly changed my life. I am a better, wiser, more understanding person all thanks to this phone...ok not really, but its an excellent phone.

MAC lip conditioner-when my purse got stolen it was this that I missed most. It is hands down the best chapstick I have ever used, and I am obsessed with moist lips. (ok I just wrote that and know that it has no other connatation, but still I feel a little dirty for writing it. lol. its something about the word moist...someone I know hates that word...)

Cover Girl Multiplying Waterproof Mascara-I can't remember my eyelashes ever looking so long! ppl keep asking me what i'm using, I finally looked at the packaging the other day, I don't even remember buying it as it is not my usual brand. But it is working for me!

The new Little Brother album "Get Back"-its super fantastic. Pick it up 10/23...

And I think that is it...

Hellllooooo....

So i've been away for a while. Busy with work, busy in my own head and not much interested in writing or computers, or words, or punctuation after long days of law and motion.

I got drafted to participate in planning the dinner dance of the young lawyers division of the ABA, they have 50k to spend on this party. 50k that is nuts. We're thinking oscar/golden globe theme, red carpet, papparazzi, at either the beverly hilton or at one of the studios, sony, warner brothers etc...it should be a fun event, hopefully it will be nice. Its exciting to plan something with such a big budget at all these LA fab places.

Ok, TI...seriously...you thought this entire situation was a good idea huh...and BET...among the myriad of your sins...the Jena 6 boys as celebrity presenters....really...yeah thats what they need.

I had one of my first ethical decisions to make at work today. Whether to sign, with his permission, the name of an attorney to a sworn document. The signature attests to the specific attorney swearing under oath and threat of perjury that what is written is true. While he gave me his permission to sign his name...it didn't feel right, I wasn't quite comfortable doing it. In the end I filed the document with the court unsigned and he said that it is always my option whether to sign or not. I think its better this way...he won't expect me to do it in the future and I won't lose my license to practice...i need that license, I got bills yo.

I'm headed to SF on Wed gotta hit up my SF friend since he is the only person I know up there that doesn't have a job and can meet me at a moments notice. Maybe I'll shop while i'm up there....hmmmmm....

The Ghost would like to come up here to take me to dinner this week, he is on vacation.

Speaking of pressed this other dude is doing the most. "when can i see you" "call me sometime" "when you get a minute..." so irritating. If I don't call its for a reason, i'm busy or I just don't want to talk to you...leave me be!

I went out the other night for the first time in a really long time. I danced hard, drank, and generally had a good time. It was nice to be out surrounded by music around other people dancing and having a good time.

Tonight is the first night in a couple weeks that I didn't have to come home and work. I've watched Tivo, and had a delicious jack daniels and cran...its time for me to take it down for the night....

Catch 22

In an effort to feel better...

I told the ghost that he was complicating my life and I couldn't take it. He's backed off. Which is much better.

I told Mr. Be Patient that I needed to not talk to him for a while. I know its whats best for my mental health, for my state of mind, its the only way to finally fully heal, and to be honest it feels like he is driving me literally crazy and I can't have that. But i don't feel better...no weight has been lifted...it just feels idiotic to cut out someone who makes me very happy about 30% of the time...but that 70% really sucks, and I deserve better. So i'll just wait till it feels better, till i don't think about him, till this blows over.

in the meantime i think my stolen phone may be a bit of blessing...I now have a valid reason to get the new hotness that i've been wanting, and i get a break from the phone for a week or so. while i do feel like i'm missing something, and i do kinda worry that I will blow a tire and be a mile from the nearest call box, but its nice to go home in the evenings and not have to worry about talking to and catching up with "everyone". plus i can't call or text him...

"How many times does it take to learn just one thing,
'cause I keep ending up here
And I'm not a scientist so I just keep on praying that I won't
Keep getting the same results each day
I said that I can't be with you
But when you turn away I pull back your hands to stay" Goaple "Catch 22"

I've always loved that song. I also discovered Raul Midon this morning. I was familiar with a few of his songs, but now I know his name...he's great. Eric Roberson is back in town this Sunday even though I just saw him, and I was just saying that I was going to sit down this weekend and chill...I can't bring myself to miss him. He moves me, consoles me, speaks to and about me...I can't miss that...I need that.

So yeah no phone, the new phone I want comes out on Monday, it will take a couple days to get to me...I can wait...somehow I managed to live and not get stranded on a regular basis before I had a cell phone. I'm sure I can manage for another 7 days...

The state of my discontent...

malaise.

i think that about sums it up.

The latest...

...I love the song "Make you feel beautiful" by Ruben Studdard. Definitely the best song he ever did. I love it when people give me genuine compliments. Not some half drunk dude telling me I'm sexy or some big burly dude telling me to "come here, you pretty" at wal-mart. One of the best compliments I ever got was from this guy I sat down next to at a TYP event who when I sat down said "You know why all these men are staring at you right? I mean yes you are beautiful, but look at your face-who wouldn't want their children to have that face. Your genes would make beautiful kids." That made me feel beautiful.

...Lawyers are a bunch of children. They are fussy, can't sit still, always complaining, always bickering, always trying to out do someone else. I'm at a deposition in a hotel conference room with over 25 attorneys. Most of these ppl practice this particular law for their firms and so they regularly see each other at these depositions. These sort of depositions last for what feels like an eternity (I too am a lawyer and therefore a complaining whiny child about having to sit in an air conditioned room all day cruising the internet and taking notes on occassion) we've been at it for a total of three days and someone estimated it could go as long as three weeks....THREE WEEKS hearing this man explain in excruciating detail every single pipe, copper, lead, iron or otherwise, that he ever laid in CA or Ohio over his nearly 50 year working career....the upside and the reason that really none of us should be complaining is that we are for the most part paid well, and really we are not working that hard, if at all, while we are here, plus the billing is awesome...but its boring, and since we are all a bunch of impatient lawyers regardless of the positives all we talk about are the negatives, and show up each day hoping the plaintiff doesn't feel that good today so we can get out of here early.

...That's the other thing. This job makes me insensitive. I should say-more insensitive. Here I am at this deposition because this gentleman is asserting that one or all of our companies products exposed him to enough asbestos so as to give him lung disease. Lung disease is bad and I know that. But prior to meeting the man he was just a case, a stack of papers on my desk, exaggerations by his attorneys, court hearings, and a discussion of strategy about how to get out of this. when asked if i could attend this deposition I told my paralegal-only if he's dying, if he isn't dying I don't want to go, b/c the un-sick ones talk too much and too long. But sitting here that first day, meeting him, hearing him talk about how miserable his life has been since his diagnosis i couldn't help but feel bad. His life is in its final months/years, and all I can think about is how I hope he gets worn out sooner rather then later so I can get out of here. I understand why ppl think lawyers have no souls, we deal with death and injury in the abstract-not as a plight of the human condition but instead as lies and exaggerations to weasel monies out of our clients. It gets hard to feel bad for ppl who slip and fall end up with a bruise and torn pants and then seek a million dollars. And to think I used to be known as a "bleeding-heart liberal"...

...The Beyonce Experience was an experience, to say the least. She was surreal. Tonight I'm seeing Eric Roberson...this is a great week for music.

...I'm not a patient person. The entire time my parents were here, my dad kept saying "you need to learn to wait, everything is not right now, practice patience". I'm impatient. But I've been asked to wait. And while it is for something that I want, waiting just doesn't seem fair...why should I have to wait, I would never ask that of someone...and how do I know that the payoff really exists, or that it will be what I want/need...that requires faith...so now you're asking for patience and faith, belief in the assured expectation of things hoped for though not beheld. Have I really been assured? Do I really believe? Who knows...

...My firm retreat is this weekend. I am hype. Resort hotel, open bars, the beach, just the type of solo retreat that I need. My work friends might have some hurt feelings when I opt to hole up dolo in my hotel room...I love nice hotels...so relaxing. So yeah i'm hype.

"All By Myself"

I'm a girl, and like all girls I go out in groups, or at the very least with one other girl. I need someone to validate my outfit, someone to whisper to when ppl are staring at us, someone to laugh when I point out laughable outfits, hairstyles/cuts, gold fronts etc...Someone to talk to in between conversations with strangers, someone to save me from conversations with strangers...its what girls do when we go out.

Last night I became a woman.

This chick that I was supposed to go out with came down with a headache just moments before we were supposed to go out. I was all dressed and ready to go when she told me that she wasn't going and I had already told some people that I would be up there. So I had to make some decisions, the two ppl that I thought might come out hadn't exactly vowed to meet me, and I knew one of them to be notoriously late, so I could either go and wait and see if R would meet me, or call him and try to coordinate our arrival times.

I opted to just go and let be whatever was going to be. I got there just before 11, grabbed a drink, did my standard walk around the venue to see who or what I could see, found a spot to settle, in my usual circle lounge (this was the 3J spot, the venue and the circle lounge itself, many a laugh was had here), where I could hear the music and chilled. I drank, I danced, joked with a chick that was sitting near me, and all around had a good time all by dang self! R showed up a little over an hour later we relocated to the patio, chatted and ppl watched outside.

I left him briefly to go inside and all of a sudden couldn't get three feet without being stopped by someone. I told R how strange it was since, I had been there for an hour all by my lonesome-no one talked to me, some looks, but no one actually approached me, now all of a sudden everyone has something to say. He explained that since I had now been spotted with a man I was now a commodity. Hmmm. Interesting.

It was a fun evening. I was very proud of myself for going out dolo, and having a good time by myself. I told R that with 1J already gone and another on the way out of CA, I need to prepare myself to get used to going out alone.

I'm a woman, I can take it.

Consortium

In unusual fashion here is a quickie....

I was doing some research about a legal issue today (aka-working) and came across a case where the plaintiff was injured resulting in about 2 years worth of sexual dysfunction, I think he broke his pelvis or some such and was unable to have sex for a year before the trial and likely for another year afterwards. Obviously he wanted compensation for all his injuries. However the law also allows for a spouse to seek money for what is called "loss of consortium", which basically entails all that people in marriages benefit from...sex, companionship, etc. Typically this loss is compensated heavily when a spouse is killed. However in this particular case the wife was awarded $40,000 for the lack of her husbands sexual services for 2 years and some change.

Which lead me to wonder how much is two years worth of sex with my husband worth? I mean he cannot perform at all...his pelvis is broken, and should it not heal properly he may be "handicapped" forever.

While I know this sort of loss cannot ever truly be quantified...Is it just me that thinks 40k is not NEARLY adequate?
I guess the argument could be made that the amount that he is awarded in damages is partly hers as well so in essence she is getting more then 40k...but I think I would want the record to reflect that sex with my husband is worth more then 20k per year!

The Weekend Recap

Last week was so busy! So I was very much looking forward to this weekend and the option of doing absolutely nothing. J went out of town, my sister went out of town so I was going to have a lot of me time, which I was sorta looking forward to.

Fri: Anytime I leave the office at 6:30 on a Friday...it has clearly been a long week. So I decided that after I submitted all that I had due I would take myself on a date to the movies. I saw Superbad. There were parts of that movie where I thought I might get thrown out for laughing too loud, or too long. Now granted, one of the kids in the movie, Michael Cera, was in my all time favorite tv comedy "Arrested Development" and really just looking at him makes me laugh. But I think that if you are into comedy, and aren't easily offended you too will find this movie hilarious. It is a smart, witty, sometimes raunchy comedy but I absolutely loved it.

Sat: I spent the day chillin in my bed, which was wonderful. I had a movie channel preview weekend, so I watched some movies I hadn't seen, and re-watched some that I loved. That evening I got together with some of my girls for a dinner at a fabulous restaurant in downtown Culver City. I met up with one of them for some pre-dinner wine at a lovely wine bar where our beautiful French waiter kept touching me...he could have been my "something new" but i'm pretty certain that he was gay, and if its even a question...i'll pass. Then we got up with the rest of the girls and had the most "Black Sex and the City" dinner conversation. It was great! One of them just got back from Egypt, and despite having 10+ degrees between us the questions were along the lines of: Did you see any mummys? Did you see any hieroglyphics? Did people walk around like the Bangels "walk like an egyptian" video? Did they play that song at the club? After attempting to reduce Egypt to every disney movie stereotype we knew, we covered the usual topics, sex, relationships, shopping, hair, work, and who invited which lames to the book club. Gotta love those girls.

Sun: I went to the meeting in the afternoon, despite having a massive caffeine withdrawl headache, attempted to work, but took a nap instead, and then went to the Teedra Moses concert with my friend D. I love D, known him since highschool, he is one of my most honest and non judgmental friends, we always have a great time when we get together, we have tons in common including a similar taste in men. Last night he provided me with the very useful service of advising me of who is on the downlow, I was saddened by some of his picks, but the reality was they were looking at him hard. He also introduced me to who may be the newest love of my life-his old college roommate, S. S is also fabulous, but he is one of those who I think could fool you re: his sexuality. He reminds me of so many men in LA, and had I not met him with D I might have just thought that he was your typical metro LA man. The three of us fell into banter like we'd known each other all our lives. Great times.
As for the concert...some rap group, El Prez, opened. And they embodied all that I hate about rap concerts-rapping over your own vocals, too many unnecessary people on stage, inarticulate rapping (i can always understand what common, black thought, mos def etc are saying live, why are all your words running together?) and all the irritating instructions (hands in air, call and response..I'm sorry am I performing or you?). Then this dude named Patrick Fennison...ehhhh. Then Mullatto....if you ever get word that they are playing in your town, go see them. They put on an amazing show if nothing else. Its a multi-ethnic full band, the white boy plays keys, tambourine, trumpet, and Lord knows what else...we deemed him the hardest working man of the night. They finally have a CD for sale, and even though its only 5 songs, i've been playing it over and over since last night. I am so hype for their rise to fame.
Then Teedra...I love her shows! She always sounds and looks amazing. She had on this dress last night! H-O-T...I want that dress for my cruise! S said about her, "Keysha Cole has her [Teedra's] career." I think that's true, she really should be what/where K. Cole is.

All in all it was a great weekend.

As a sort of random aside, there was a lot of talk this weekend about wearing white this wknd and next since its labor day and therefore the last opportunity to wear it. I don't own many all white things, that's not really my look. But I wonder how many people subscribe to this notion, still? I know 2 of my 4 readers (lol) are east coast people and that these sorts of fashion rules are written in stone out there, but do west coast ppl care and or abide by this "rule"? Besides what are the consequences if I choose to wear white the weekend of September 15? Will I be issued a citation? Will people point and stare? Will I be tarred and feathered? Just curious.

Abusive Relationships

I am in an abusive relationship.
I realize that now.
After years of trying to overcome and overlook the abuse with love and understanding and just plain indifference, I realize now the abuse will not stop and the cycle will continue.

I like Rap. No I'm lying, I love rap. I love the clever wit, the beats, the hooks, the voices of the rappers-I love it all. I love it when its unintentionally funny, chock full of swagger, grimy, gritty, revolutionary, instructional, and even when its perverse (who doesn't like "put it in yo mouth" or "It ain't no fun"?).

But this morning as I drove up the 405 having my first listen to UGK's album, I realized that rap music doesn't really love me. My love, respect and admiration for it is unrequited. Dag.

You can't describe the various sexual acts you will perform and then have the hook "Bit*h you know you like that/Bit*h you know I like that" and then a few songs later put Talib on a track and have Raheem DeVaughn sweetly remind me of the ways in which you respect and love real women. That one song doesn't redeem the way you have spoken to and about me on the rest of the album. Regardless of whether or not I may or may not like "that" of which you speak, something is definitely taken away when you start the sentence with bit*h! And Yes Pimp C, I heard you say that B is a pet name and that I shouldn't get upset...but come on now, how does your mother, sister, daughter (cause i know you got some kids) feel about this so-called pet name?

I know, I know...no one is forcing me to come back to Rap. I could stay over there with that fake fairytale love of R&B, where days are spent romancing, sexing, breaking up, getting back together, partying, cheating, and reminiscing. But that life gets old. Sometimes I just want something with a little edge to it, ya know, is that so wrong? And that's when I'm attracted to rap again. You make me think you've changed, you put out artists like Common and Talib to lure me back in. Once I'm hooked on the beats, and the knocking of my speakers, there you go again starting back in with that bullish, calling me out my name, threatening me with physical injury, disrespecting me and carrying-on.

One day...one day...you are gonna go to far, call me out my name one to many times, or catch me on one of my more feminist revolutionary days, and that is going to be it. I am going to leave you for good. And then what are you gonna do?

Just some stuff....

...My parents left. Praise him, I made it through. There were times that it looked bad. Where it looked like I wasn't going to be able to survive, and that's when I had to turn to the bible and say David's prayer..."Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for you are with me..." and thats what got me through. I'm exaggerating slightly, but the reality is it was tough. I love them, sometimes we can have fun, but for the most part they drive me really crazy. I wholeheartedly believe that part of the problem is that we only see each other twice a year, which to them means, they only have those two opportunities to "straighten us out" (a phrase I heard repeatedly during their three week odyssey). When they lived in Rancho (about 50 miles from where I live), my sis and i would go visit on a sat or sun afternoon, hang out, have dinner, help my step dad with the latest electronic device that he had purchased despite being unable to operate, let my mom describe in painstaking detail her latest home decoration project, dish about our respective congregations, talk about work, extended family drama and the like. It was pleasant, b/c they knew and we knew that we would see them again in a couple weeks. There was no need to hash out in detail every single complaint we have about each other, b/c neither of us were going anywhere and really it wasn't anything significant enough to ruin a perfectly good afternoon. Now however...it will be months before they see us again, which means it is imperative to nit pick and discuss to death each and every foible, flaw, or potential issue they (by "they" I mean my mother) may have with us. Which then in turn puts us on the defensive, and just generally makes for a very tense "vacation". By the end of it my mother knew that she had in fact gotten on our last nerves and stated this to me...when she asked if i was sick of her I told her, out loud, that it was time for her to go home. I said out loud to my mother that she needed to go home. I felt more then a tinge of regret about saying this, and other things, later-somethings don't need to be said out loud...i'll call and apologize. I was in such a fowl mood on the day that they were leaving that a conversation that I needed to have with them, I couldn't have because my sour mood had me in the totally wrong frame of mind...you should not derive any pleasure in having your parents be disappointed in you...i'm not 12, so i'll talk to them some other time.

...Its funny how a non-response can speak volumes. All my questions have been answered. I'm grateful, he likely doesn't know how much he's helped me.

...my little brother and I are finally developing a relationship. He has turned into a real person, and not just a machine full of silly, immature comebacks and juvenile banter...i mean don't get it twisted he is still terribly immature but he's a boy so he's probably right on track...he has a really sweet girlfriend, who if she were my sister or friend I would tell her to break up with him because he is a jerk. Thus far i've asked her why she likes him, and when she figures that out to call me, and i've told her to run. I can't determine what the appropriate course of action here is though-talk to my brother about why he is a jerk and a terrible boyfriend-knowing he won't listen or care about what I have to say, or talk to her about why she is worth more then the way that he treats her-and risk my brother and I's newfound relationship? Hmmm. I love my brother, but I have a difficult time standing idly by while any woman is being demeaned by her significant other.

..."Let it Go" by K. Cole is the new anthem! (as an aside I miss my girls, one is already gone, the other is on the way...Thank the Lord for all the photographs and memories...)

...With all the other drama in my life i have been thankfully distracted from the moving of my buddies...nor have i addressed how when one of them says that she feels that she has no family here, it stings everytime...i know she means no harm by it, but it still stings...whether she considers me family or not I do consider her close as kin...but maybe thats because i like her more then i like most ppl I am blood related to, and she actually likes her family...hmmm, :)

...I billed 181 hours last month. I am so proud of myself. to put that in context, I cannot bill for every moment that I am here, I try to though, so if i'm here 10 hours I probably bill 8-8.5 hours. Which means that last month, namely that first and third week, I was working like crazy. I take pleasure in that...what kind of sickness is that?

...J and I met some of the LAMEST men of all time at the beach party on Sat. like lame, lame. I'm not sure if it was a function of our general standoffishness and obvious desire not to be bothered that only those with the most severe cases of delusions of grandeur dared to approach. Or, if there were several dares taking place among the socially rejected sending them our way. In any case, if we were on the hunt, that day would have been sadly disappointing, unless we opted to pursue gentleman. We couldn't even get more then two ppl a piece into our top 5 category. How sad is that?? One of the ones I picked for my top 5, slid his business card to this other chick I know and he is the mailroom asst. I am not knocking his job, I think its great that he is gainfully employed...but why does he need a business card? Are there networking opportunites for mailroom positions? Is it often that he gets to talk up the interworkings of the mailroom in which he assists to clients, and potential clients? I mean I don't know i'm just curious.

...I'm beginning to believe, again, that this one chick I know has an odd connection to me. I feel like she is not this clingy with others as she is with me. Its strange! She met J and I the same night, hung with us both the same amount of time, and yet I get all the texts, calls, emails, requests to grab dinner/movie/happy hour etc... or the "it was great seeing you at the beach party yesterday!" Was it? Why? It wasn't that great for me to see you...I mean that's strange right?

...Ok like forreal, forreal...i'm going on a cruise in Jan. To a place where my big thighs and love handles (i am being so kind to myself right now) are the preference of the locals, which means I will be in a bathing suit, which means I gotta learn how to exercise again...and soon...T.F., V.W. I gotta get on ya'lls work out grind....

Dag-blasted Tag...

So I've been "tagged" by the one and only J.A.C. So here we go:

The Rules:
1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

1. I have an extremely vivid imagination. I can see a person on the street, train, bus, in the car next to me, wherever and create and entire life for them, why they are in that space and time, what they are thinking, what their home life is like etc...which leads me too...

2. I am an obsessive people watcher/voyeur. I can sit in a location and watch people all day, they don't have to be doing anything in particular, just walking, talking...my favorite is to see ppl arguing or in some sort of conflict, especially when I am somewhere that they aren't privy to my gaze...which leads me too...

3. I like to argue. Ppl always think its a result of my line of work, but not really, I just like to try to prove things, or hear ppl try to prove them to me, I always come from the position "explain to me why I'm wrong" or "make me understand why what you did was acceptable" which I guess is a set up, b/c I already know you were wrong, i just want to hear what possible illogical thoughts you used to rationalize the behavior...which leads me too...

4. I am fascinated and petrified of drug use. I want to watch shows like "Intervention", movies like "Lady sings the blues" but I can't. I am so interested in why ppl use drugs, how they got started, what their drugs of choice are and why, how they pay for their habit, if they were ever able to function as a normal person in society while on drugs and if so how...all of it is so interesting to me. But I cannot watch anything that features heroin use. I discovered this when as I kid I tried to watch "Lady sings the blues" and was so disturbed by her drug use that I stopped watching mid-way through (I NEVER get midway into a movie and stop watching, if I've watched to midway I have to finish, no matter how bad it is!) and had nightmares about it...I still remember vividly the scene that I had to walk out on, and I saw it like 10 years ago. I can watch a movie about heroin use I just can't watch the actual shooting up, I watched "Ray" with my hands over my eyes for all the actual drug use scenes. One would think that its the needles, but its not, I've seen shows where ppl shoot up meth, and I'm totally ok, chris and the crack rock in New Jack City, also totally ok, surgery on the learning channel, one of my favorite things to watch...but if a movie features someone shooting up and they say that the substance is heroin, i can't watch....when i was in junior high I heard on some talk show about a girl who was kidnapped from a her nice middle class life, held captive in some drug house, tied to a bed, and given regular hits of heroin...after a while she was released from the bed and made to work as a prostitute in order to get her heroin fix...I think she was missing for years, and says she stayed b/c she was so addicted she couldn't leave....I was CONVINCED that I was going to get picked up and strung out at anytime (active imagination, remember)...which leads me to...

5. I am a hypochondriac. I always think that any minor pain or injury will result in my sudden and untimely death. I am constantly self diagnosing myself (or even worse using webMD). For instance:
random pain in head=aneurysm, or stroke
sprained foot=all the bones in my foot are broken, I may never walk again
pain in chest=pulmonary embolism
clumsiness (I take a random tumble, or I trip without cause)=Vertigo
common cold with significant cough=the consumption (aka tuberculosis)
flu=ebola, malaria, or west nile
Basically if i now the symptoms of an illness and I have even one, then clearly I've got the disease, and obviously I prefer the more rare/obscure illnesses, or at least ones with fun names, "the consumption" that is awesome...which leads me to....

6. I love random and obscure knowledge/facts/dates/words etc...my favorite word is onomatopoeia...I love the meaning, i love to say it, i love that in a group of 4 other ppl, its likely that only one other person will know what it means...which leads me to...

7. I sometimes have tendency to lord my intelligence over ppl. Its a bad habit and a terrible quality of mine. I have to make a conscious effort not to assume that I am smarter (and somehow better, perhaps?) then ppl I meet who don't immediately strike me as the most intellectually savvy...which leads me too...

8. Even though I think its silly, I do like the automatic assumption that I am a bright girl when I tell ppl my occupation...again not a great characteristic, but its true...however it does make me wonder what ppl would think if I stopped being a lawyer...I wonder if my title were not attorney, whether ppl would still get that impressed/surprised look in their eyes....

So all my blog friends have already been tagged...except for:

DIMPLEZNMORE

So get to it lady!

Humble-Bumble

So i'm sure that by now all of you (my two, maybe three readers) have heard about the sniper that was downtown today, right. Protesting Lindsay or Paris, or whomever, being just generally cra-cra and shooting all willy nilly. Well your girl was down by the courthouse when it all went down...and I heard that first shot and hit the deck, nevermind that I lost my shoe in the process, nearly skinned my knee, i knew that if I was going to save my life and the life of the 96 year old widow whose life I also spared on my way down in a very Jack Bauer fashion, I had to sacrifice my limbs for the greater good....what...huh....whats that now, you didn't hear anything about a sniper downtown...nothing huh...and whatcha say now, you think that I was walking to fast b/c i was running late to court somehow forgot how to walk and/or wear shoes for a second, walked out of said shoe and barely managed to keep my noggin from hitting the pavement in a spectacle of Beyonce proportions on a major downtown street, not far from the cross walk where all the other attorneys were crossing the street to also get to court...Oh. Well I guess that could have been the case as well.

The funny part is I can totally imagine how it looked, i was walking past some parked cars, so you know how ppl pretend to walk down imaginary stairs, they just crouch down "step" by imaginary "step" behind an object. That's what it had to look like, because after walking out of my shoe my next step was a crouching/not trying to touch the dirty ground with my foot move, just before i was completely spralled out on the pavement, bag also on ground, somehow next to me and no longer on my shoulder, stuff falling out, mascara rolling away...then a very kindly man who literally said to me "Ay Dios Mio are you OK?", first told me to stay down, like I was 86 and may have broken my hip or neck, (he even looked around like he was going to need some assistance getting me to the emergency room or something) and then helped me up when it was clear to him that I wanted to be off the ground. He picked up my sad rolling away mascara and other belongings, handed me my bag and blessed me with the blood of the Christ...Aside from a scratched leg, some sort of injury to my foot, and sore pride i'm fine. But man I bet that was funny!

I want you...

**Update: Please see the comments section for a more accurate rendition of the lyrics to "I Want You".

I I I I I I I
WANT YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU
AND I
I I I I I I
WANT YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU
so what we gone do
i want you
gone do
what we gonna do

2nd part
when words got a way way way way way way way
i want you (baby)
so what we gonna do (baby)
i want you (baby)

chorus
love is on the way all I got to say is It wont let go
we can pray to early May
fast for 30 days
still It wont let go
got a good book and got all in it
tried a little yoga for a minute
but it wont let go (oooh)
tried to turn the sauna up hotter
drank a whole jar of holy water
but it wont let go

begining

and the words got a way way way way way way way i want you
so what we gonna do
i want you

Chorus
and I
I baby I want you
you baby
so what we gonna do

begining
and your words got a way
so what we gonna do
i know you're a little nervous
so what we gonna do
i know you really want this
so what we gonna do
i cant really explain it
so what we gonna do
i feel your love

Bridge:repeat 2x's

i dont want no trouble
i just wanna love ya (yeah)
i dont want your money yeah
i just want to love ya (yeah)
i wanna get to know ya
and i
i want you
and i
i want you
and i
i want you....
Begining (1st part again)

See also: Sade "Love is Stronger then Pride", "Is it a Crime" and D'angleo's cover of the George Clinton "I'll Stay".

trains of thought

...someone paid me a great compliment the other day, she said that I was the only person she knows who can go from bourgeois to ghetto in the blink of an eye. she said that lots of ppl that she knows are able to switch it up but not as quickly or effortlessly as I do. I love that about me! is that vain to say? its one of my favorite qualites about myself, versatility. I love that i can go to a meeting of professional collegues and contribute intelligently to the discussion, and leave there and head to a venue where they play Pharcyde's "Passin me by" or Tupac's "I get around" and I know all the words, or Lil boozie's "wipe me down" and I know the chorus (ignorant songs I try to keep it to chorus only). Or sing along to Chamillionaire's "Ridin' Dirty" but am also well informed and have strong opinions regarding police profiling in my community. The fact that the other night while watching the video's that I DVR'd from BET, I had to get up and dance hard because the beat dropping in on UGK's "International Players Anthem" gets me every time, but I can also put together a cogent argument for why BET is the bain of my people's existence (and I use the word bain) is great stuff.
I tend to think that in my generation there are many like me. there are obviously those that stand only on one side or the other, but i think that there are many that straddle the line and exist in both realms without feeling conflicted or disingenuous.

...we are going through a bit of a rough patch. all of us. at the same time. its strange. i love how we are all relying on one another though. how we all have turned to our faith, and the bible for strength and fortification. its funny though, when things are swell we don't talk this much about the bible. isn't that always the way, when things get bad is when we turn in earnest to Him, of course we think about him and thank him in passing when things are good as well, but we re-commit, re-focus all our attention on Him, when things take a turn for the worse. i'm happy that we are all here for each other. i pray for us, in hopes that our various situations and stressors will pass and that in the meantime we don't give in to our disquieting thoughts.

...last night at the kingdom hall a brother that has recently been in the hospital for his heart, passed our towards the end of the meeting. his wife screamed, the meeting stopped, ppl hurried to his side, the paramedics were called, the meeting ended abruptly, ppl were silent. no one wanted to leave until the paramedics verified that he was ok. he is an older brother, probably close to the neighborhood of 70 years old, he got married about 3 years ago, for the first time i think. they are an odd couple, but they clearly make each other very happy, she has softened his often cantankerous nature. For her sake, almost more then his, I hope he is ok. To have finally found a measure of happiness and then to have it taken away abruptly (or slowly) while not uncommon to the human condition, is cruel nonetheless.

...2 Timothy 3:1-7
"1But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: 2For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, 4traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away! 6For of this sort are those who creep into households and make captives of gullible women loaded down with sins, led away by various lusts, 7always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth."
I have read 2 Tim 3:1-5 a million times. like literally a million times...but vs. 6, 7 I think i read it for the first time over the weekend. I can't ever recall reading it before, and it clicked for me...I've often wondered how the significant others in the lives of my friends and I could be so cruel, so deceptive, how their actions could belie such contempt and wholesale disregard for the feelings of those they claim to care about...the scripture explains it. Its the last days...

...Credit cards are the bain of my existence. I loathe them.

...My parents brought home videos from when I was a kid on vacation...I was 7 years old, adorable, articulate, and had a disproportionately large behind for my small frame. its the craziest thing, but it does look hilarious, i totally get why the kids made of me.

Unexpected pleasures...

I always mock J about her favorite show, SYTTXVBCTREDG, which is the abbreviated acronym for "So you think that you can dance while in America on a reality show for people with real viable talent"...I think that is its short title.

Aside from its insanely long title, I DVR'd it last night, and much to my surprise I LOVED IT! Most of the dances were phenomenal, I'm convinced that most of the dance couples are sleeping together (at least with the couples wherein the guy seems not yet all the way gay), I liked the introduction to songs I had never heard of, and the story lines to the dances were cute as well. The only thing I didn't like, were the non dancers: the judges...especially the woman with the enormous teeth, who screams for some reason...the host...what is her purpose, her skill, how did she get this job?

My other unexpected pleasure are movies involving Stephan Chow...well actually i've only seen two of his movies, but if these are any indication....I love this guy! The two i've seen are Kung Fu Hustle and Shaolin Soccer. I explained to my sister that essentially they are comedies in the vein of Airplane, Dodgeball...low brow silly comedies with a moral that are in Chinese (I think) and involve extensive amounts of Kung-Fu. Typically movies like dodgeball or Airplane I consider to be beneath me, something I'll watch on an airplane, at the shop, or over the home of someone i'm not comfortable enough with to tell them to turn. But these Stephan Chow movies, I want the DVDs! The addition of the subtitles and kung fu, make them genius!

I left my heart in...

San Francisco (hereinafter "SF").

I love SF.
So when my job asked if I could fly up to SF for a 10 minute appearance I said sure thing. Spend the morning/afternoon in a city that I love, meeting strangers in the airport, maybe even sneak in a little shopping in Union Square.
4am I'm up and at them, headed to the off airport parking, I make my flight since I have no bags to check, my flight is on time, and at 7am I am in the lovely city of SF. Preparing to get on the BART I speak to a nice young gentleman waiting for the train, we strike up a conversation, chat all the way to my stop. He gets off at my stop with me, walks me to the courthouse, I still have an hour or so before my hearing so he suggests we grab some breakfast. I say sure! We walk Several, and I do mean Several blocks into his neighborhood to his favorite breakfast place. His neighborhood is known as the Tenderloin district. It is everything that the name connotates. It is a neighborhood that I know not to be walking around in alone. Even walking with him I thought, as we passed many of the cities transients, I sure hope he can fight. Thankfully that wasn't necessary. And as we walked I determined that either he was walking me out of that neighborhood or I was cabbing it back to the courthouse.
We arrive at the breakfast place, sit down and the TV is on Fox News...they have found the body of some young woman who had been missing, they believed her death was caused by her boyfriend.
Hmmm, I just followed some strange man that I have never met before several blocks into a neighborhood that I know to be dangerous, to have breakfast at a place that he is familiar with that I am not. Ok. Alright. I agree, not one of my brightest moments. And while yeah i didn't feel at all in danger, Ted Bundy was notoriously charming and non-threatening and he killed several "smart" women.
But then I realized how sad it is that in this day and age two people who have a good conversation can't have breakfast, or meet up, or take their conversation from a happenstance meeting to further deliberations over some eggs, and pancakes? I mean isn't that the basis for most old love stories? Isn't that how Sidney Poitier met all his leading ladies?
My how times have changed.
As an aside, breakfast was great, we had wonderful conversation, we will likely keep in touch.

So after breakfast I head to the hearing, and guess what...its not until the next day. So yeah I went all the way up there, for a 10 minute hearing that wasn't going to take place until the next day. So after meeting and confering with my job, turns out I was going to be spending the night in SF. I got to get up with some good friends, had a good dinner, bought a new outfit, stayed in a nice hotel, and attended the 10 minute hearing the next day.

On the airplane ride home I realized that I hate people on airplanes. In the terminal ppl are fine, in fact generally I am very tolerant of ppl. However on a plane, ppl make me sick. I think its just the proximity and the fact that I have nowhere to go to escape them. The couple next to me were talking and laughing incessantly, the guy next to me kept touching me, and he had to get up to go to the bathroom. Its a 53 minute flight. 53 minutes!!! What adult can't hold it for 53 minutes?? Apparently lots of them. The guy with the window seat in front of me got up twice...twice in 53 minutes.
So yeah I hate ppl on planes, love SF, and like my new friend.

Ellipses

Last week was tough...one of the worst weeks i've had in a minute. I'm glad its over. I'll admit i've been organizing, coordinating, hosting and MC'ing my own personal pity party...i feel like i felt when a relative died, cry a little here and there, an overall feeling of sadness, and a desire to remain solemn as it feels like being happy or jovial is still inappropriate. I am normally the queen of hidden emotion, and sucking it up...but i haven't had the energy to be my normally energetic self. Its strange...I watched a heck of a lot of Oprah last night, trying to clear out my tivo cache, and it was actually quite helpful. there is something very selfish about depression...you are only thinking about yourself and your situation, i remember reading an article once that said that one way to get out of such a funk is to dwell on others, participate in things that force you to take an interest is something or someone other then yourself...watching Oprah, peeking into the lives of these other ppl, seeing how truly fortunate I am by comparison, definitely took my mind off my issues. I am thankful for my blessings, and God's clear hand in my life, I just kick myself when i begin to reap what I have sewn....O' if I would only listen to His voice (isa. 48:17, 18)...I need to get that tattooed on my wrist, or chest, like that guy in Memento "Remember Isaiah 48..."...there was some other scripture that I read recently that I felt was even more necessary in my life right now, of course i've forgotten it, shouldn't be too hard to figure out where i read it...at work the other day I overheard someone in front of my door asking someone else (a blk person was asking a Jewish person about a scripture in the greek scriptures!) where that scripture that says that God will not put upon you more then what you can bear, he didn't know, so I yelled out 1 Cor 10:13...I was only about 70% sure that was the correct verse, I knew that was the right chapter and book, and turned out I was right about the verse as well. I am often surprised by my ability to quote and recall scriptures...unfortunately I tend to be like that man who looks into the mirror of God's word to see the man that he really is, only to walk away and forget what he saw...ironically, I can't remember where that one is...I cannot be less excited about my parents impending visit...its terrible...but it feels like i just saw them, and i just can't take that level of scrutiny right now, i'm already being hard on me the last thing I need/want is their dual assault on my life, interpersonal relationships, weight, skin, hair, home decorating, lack of organization, spending habits, clothes, and car maintenance...I really just want to be alone...like really alone...no sister, no hall, no work, just a weekend or so alone...I miss VA...i used to just disappear, drive along the river, to a waterfall, no cell service, no ppl, just an 1.5 hour drive, sit on the riverbed, and then drive back...I've been through worse, or at least equivalent, and really...sorry i just got distracted by this very cute, moderately big backed white boy with a buzz cut from some M state who always flirts with me when he drops off documents to our office...so what was I talking about?

Que Sera, Sera

Overall I've enjoyed the time I've spent with you. Thank you for everything, including the bad, from it I've learned and grown.

I wish you the best, take care of yourself.

rant....

am i so crazy to think that if you say that you are going to accompany me somewhere, that you actually come...is it nuts that i tend to believe the words that are coming out of your mouth...maybe thats the issue, perhaps previous ones tended to believe that you like all else were mostly spewing bull-ish and much wasn't expected of you so you failed them....i have a tendancy to give ppl the benefit of the doubt until they give me reason not to...the reasons are becoming apparent...what it seems like you are failing to realize is that it hasn't been long enough for it not to add up....there is not that much space in between to let me forget...and so i have a very clear recollection of the fact that you tend to piss me off every weekend...I feel like you teach ppl how to treat you...but i can't figure out how to make it anymore clear to you how unacceptable this behavior is, not to mention i don't have children for several reasons and this is one of them, I don't want to patiently teach someone a lesson about how to conduct themselves, you're an adult and i expect you to know better, i don't want to have to teach you this sort of lesson that you should already know...I'm not with you to teach you...mother you...remind you...or absorb your disappointing behavior without complaint...i'm tired of complaining.

The Homicide Report

The LA Times runs a blog called the Homicide Report which chronicles all LA County homicide victims and can be seen here: http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/homicidereport/.

I ran across it a couple weeks ago, and have periodically checked in on it.

It is strange.

I find it applaudable because it gives us more then our local news offers us, it puts a face to the "police responded to shots fired in South Central, again" stories that we hear on the local news. It gives some insight into the lives of these murdered individuals, without deifying them. It makes them human. Makes them seem like you and I, or my cousin, or my little brother.

On the other hand.

It is sickening. It is a blog that names all those killed in Los Angeles in a predominantly matter of fact, stand-offish journalistic manner. It feels perverse that I should read, see pictures of, and pass judgment on those murdered in LA last week. The realities that the "police responded to shots fired in South Central, again" stories allow me to remain ignorant of are laid bare, and I read them, and I am sickened.

Maybe I have a morbid fascination, maybe I just can't believe the sheer volume of lives lost, maybe I am trying to wrap my mind around the seemingly endless random shootings, maybe I need to believe that most who die in shootings did something to bring it upon themselves....but most didn't. For most the police and family are at a loss for why their relative was killed. I am confounded by this.

Its equally disturbing to read the ethnicities and genders of these victims. Overwhelmingly black or mexican men or boys.

I can't articulate in an organized manner all the things this homicide report calls to my mind...how much I love this city, but how incredibly different its regions are...Inglewood, South Central, the entire region bordered by the 710, 405, 10 and 105 despite being mere miles from hollywood, bev hills, santa monica are for all intents and purposes light years away from each other...how for those living in these regions the likelihood of getting shot is so high that it becomes a virtual right of passage....the reason there are no black men in LA is because they are being gunned down with regularity....I thought wearing the "wrong" color was so 1992, it ain't....contrary to what the media tells me, many of the young men killed in this way are not gang affiliated, they are wrong place, wrong time, victims of hot-heads and road ragers, they could basically be any of us....how irritated it makes me that the stories, faces, and families of hardworking people murdered senselessly don't make the news but there is virtually round the clock coverage of all things celebrity...the news never made me feel this way about my city....I feel like this blog/report should be required reading for all middle school and high school kids....maybe required reading for everyone.

This Job...

I just returned from a three hour lunch wherein I ate, had 3 stiff cocktails, and hit up a bar....Law school was the best decision I ever made...

Memorial Day...the aftermath...

im so blown by all of this....this is precisely the part of relationships that i hate...when the behavior of the other person makes me miserable, and there isnothing that i can do to stop it, prevent it, or control it. If you want out just say so, but all this little stuff that is slowly sabotaging us, i can't take it. I did the chasing after someone who didn't want to be caught routine, it taught me a lesson, if he's not that into you, he's not that into you, and there is nothing you can do to rekindle what you may have had at first. I did the being with someone who i only trusted about 35% of the time, damn near drove me crazy, I can't take that either. i'm at a point where i want nothing but sheer unabashed honesty. if this is too much, you made a hasty decision, you have doubts or second thoughts...fine. i can appreciate and live with that. but i wont be with someone who i am constantly guessing about what they are thinking, or i'm always worried that they are going to pull the switch at any moment and surprise the heck out of me. i deserve better. i also deserve to enjoy my long weekend. men asked me this weekend if i was single and though i always replied no, it dawned on me that i felt pretty single, i haven't felt single in a couple of months but this weekend i totally did. and i imagine you did as well. i didn't feel loved or cared for by someone at all this weekend, i felt by myself. which is fine, i've spent lots of time by myself and it really aint that bad, granted being with you is better, i prefer that, but not if i'm just going to be feeling like this. so now i'm wondering....so then we chat....and thats why i didn't want to chat b/c it would only make it worse...and i just want to call you at work and scream at you but clearly i'm NOT going to do that, even though every fiber of my being just wants to pick up that phone, but i won't because i am professional and i am an adult, and...i just want to cry, but there is no crying at work, i have always had that rule, no tears at the office! so i'm just going to sit here and blink for a second or two and then i am going to get to work...i'm petrified that this is over, but i can't think about that right now b/c any second now blinking is about to stop working...work...yeah...work....

I draw the line...

I draw the line at deaf mutes.

So I am at the very least a decent looking woman with some notable attributes that tend to draw the attention of men.

I get that, and mostly I am totally ok with that.

But a line must be drawn somewhere. And I, Jennifer Yvonne Williams, heretofor, henceforth, towit draw said line at deaf mutes.


I am walking through the train station, I walk by a young blk man, in a ridiculous hood rich get up, who "Ay, Ay"'s me as I walk by. I nod, so as to not offend, who knows what lies beneath those emerald green dickie shorts (aka-capri's). When I stop walking to wait on my train, here comes green shorts. He stands next to me and proceeds to mumble something, without actually looking at him (eye contact tends to prolong these sorts of encounters) I say "excuse me"-more mumbling. I now look at him sharply, b/c I am irritated that this person is trying to talk to me without using words that an english speaking person can understand. Turns out he is expecting me to read his lips and the rudimentary (or perhaps advanced) American Sign Language he is "signing" (I feel like what he was doing would be an insult to ASL "speakers" "signors" "performers" not sure what the correct phrase is-then again how the heck would I know).

I'm looking at him, his lips are in fact moving, and he is using the pen in his hand to pretend scribble in his free hand indicating to me that he would like to write down my phone number, or maybe he needed directions, or me to call the police, get a splinter out of his hand...now that I think about it he could have been requesting anything. I smiled and said that I have a boyfriend.

He then proceeds to ask me a question...no seriously...the deaf, mute man/boy in green shorts asked me a question in that "speech" that deaf mute ppl make. So I say, "I'm sorry?", knowing full well that no matter how many times he repeats this statement/question/request/plea I will not understand him, yet somehow I'm thinking maybe if I pay close attention I can read his lips...me a hearing person, is now desperately trying to read the lips of the man/boy that I Didn't and Don't want to talk to, in order to make this very painful conversation stop...he repeats himself-blank stare from me.

Finally, I just say "yeah, I'm good thanks". Was that the answer to his question, who knows...and likely I'll never know. But at least he stopped "asking" me the question.

More gesticulating with pen to hand mimicing writing, I make a sad face and repeat that I have a boyfriend. The sad face apparently did the trick as green shorts shook his head, seemingly acknowledging my statements and walked away.

Here's a question, what or how were we going to talk if I had given him my number? He is deaf, and mute. I do not have all day to talk on that ttyl thing (wait is that what its called?).

Main point: I have drawn a line, and deaf mutes are on the opposing side of said line. I will not entertain their advances unless they have a notebook and working pen, and that is just all there is to it!

changes

he's moving near here. and i am petrified. like, want to change my number, relocate, take on my step-fathers last name, scared. my life is so good right now, i feel balanced, or at least closer to a state of equilibrium. but i feel like his move is going to ruin all of the work i've put in to get my mind right. as a whole i was much safer when he was far away. and now he'll be near here, and it just feels ripe for disaster.
the worst part, thinking about him being here, made me kinda happy today. Already, my efforts are eroding.

Just some stuff

So after all the pre-hype, preparation, planning, conference calling and obsessing, All Star Weekend happened.

And it totally lived up to the hype.

We had an absolute fabulous time. Our days were spent doing all the things that I LOVE to do...drinking, meeting strangers, engaging in conversations with said strangers, people watching, asking inappropriately personal questions of strange men, reducing men to their parts ("girl look at that back", "did you see his arms", "What was his name?" "I don't know but did you see the pecs and shoulders on that nice young chap??".

Speaking of men's body parts-I am most happy to be a woman when I walk up to a man's body that I find attractive and proceed to touch it as if it were a melon that I was inspecting for tenderness. Men's ego's being what they are, I have never known a man to complain about this sort of attention or request that I and my friends (who I inevitably call over to cop a feel as well) stop touching him. Men are so easy.

Anyhow, this wasn't a weekend wherein life long relationships were created, but I think that the relationship of me and my girls was definitely strengthened. I now know that normally picky eater J will eat almost an entire cow for breakfast after a long night of hanging out. I now know that the other J is a great hair stylist, and that we as a group will the use the attention that men lavish on J to our advantage whenever need be!

The downside of all star weekend was, as it always is, the behavior of my people. I know its Vegas, where you can drink, buy a prostitute legally, see naked women, party and/or chill for each of the 24 hours of every single day and so people tend to get besides themselves. But to lose all home training or regard for that which is socially acceptable public behavior...And what really gets me are the comments that women/girls are willing to respond to.

"Ay girl". Usually followed by the subsequent and seemingly compulsory "Ay, Ay, Ay". Unless that phrase is followed up with words like: fire, gun, car, run for your life...I refuse to even acknowledge that those comments may be directed at me. I assume that surely no one is trying to get my attention by yelling at me like a dog, "Ay girl"; surely they are talking to an animal, child, or some other "girl" in the vicinity. And yet I saw many women responding to this as if it was the customary address to a queen. Why? They don't recognize their value. They are unaware that they are worth, at the very least, that man getting off his lazy behind walking over to her and properly introducing himself as an adult man should. They either forgot or are just unaware that they are God's gift to men and don't have to settle for such tomfoolery.
Clearly "Ay girl" was not the most heinous example of dudes tryna holla, but it was certainly the most prevalent.
The fights, the shootings, the necessity of busloads of police officers...these saddened me most. It was if all the worst stereotypes about black people were on display for these combat ready police officers that were posted on every 15 feet of the strip. Frankly they made me feel safer. I just wonder would an event that drew 400,000 Japanese people require this kind of police presence, what about Puerto Ricans, Mexicans, Chinese, whites, southern whites? What makes some groups need this sort of supervision to prevent anarchy while others would likely be able to conduct themselves without incident....

Like Forreal, Forreal

I am too excited about this weekend.

No grown adult person should be this amped about going out of town. I'm like a 5 year old that knows she's going to disneyland tomorrow.

Except the theme park i'm going to involves alcohol, hoe-couture (as J likes to call it), and what i can only hope is a sea of big backs as far as the eye can see. Which is SOOOOO much better then disneyland, 5 year olds are idiots!

Mostly I hope its a fun trip that reaps lots of great stories...stories that I may need to take with me to my grave, but stories nonetheless.

all falls down

I'm so angry.

So hateful, right now.
I have tried to let this go, and i do well for a while. At least I stopped wishing that she would die.
But then something happens that brings it all back to mind, and I can barely concentrate for being so preoccupied with hostility.
And the fact that me thinking of her and that situation makes me feel like this makes me hate her even more for having this kind of power and control without even trying or saying a word to me.
and I hate him.
but i hate him at least once a week, and usually twice on sundays so that is nothing new.
but i forgot about my capacity for ill will.
I gotta work on this, this is terrible.

And to think just yesterday I was so happy.

True, True

This is from DailyOM.com:

Owning Your Emotions
Name It And Claim It

Our feelings can sometimes present a very challenging aspect of our lives. We experience intense emotions without understanding precisely why and consequently find it difficult to identify the solutions that will soothe our distressed minds and hearts. Yet it is only when we are capable of naming our feelings that we can tame them by finding an appropriate resolution. We retake control of our personal power by becoming courageous enough to articulate, out loud and concisely, the essence of our emotions. Our assuming ownership of the challenges before us in this way empowers us to shift from one emotional state to another-we can let go of pain and upset because we have defined it, examined the effect it had on our lives, and then exerted our authority over it by making it our own. By naming our feelings, we claim the right to divest ourselves of them at will.

As you prepare to acknowledge your feelings aloud, gently remind yourself that being specific is an important part of exercising control. Whatever the nature of your feelings, carefully define the reaction taking place within you. If you are afraid of a situation or intimidated by an individual, try not to mince words while giving voice to your anxiety. The precision with which you express yourself is indicative of your overall willingness to stare your feelings in the face without flinching. Naming and claiming cannot always work in the vacuum of the soul. There may be times in which you will find the release you desire only by admitting your feelings before others. When this is the case, your ability to outline your feelings explicitly can help you ask for the support, aid, or guidance you need without becoming mired in the feelings that led you to make such an admission in the first place.

When you have moved past the apprehension associated with expressing your distressing feelings out loud, you may be surprised to discover that you feel liberated and lightened. This is because the act of making a clear connection between your circumstances and your feelings unravels the mystery that previously kept you from being in complete control of your emotional state. To give voice to your feelings, you must necessarily let them go. In the process, you naturally relax and rediscover your emotional equilibrium.



I've always known that I was no good at keeping my emotions bottled up.

Those women you hear about who suspect thier husband of cheating b/c they find a miniscule clue, so they patiently wait and gather more evidence over time until they have an airtight case or come upon the smoking gun.

I am incapable of this.

The first miniscule clue I find he will know all about it 2.5 seconds after I find out about it.

I always thought this rush to confront and or tell ppl how I feel was a result of my impatience. I don't like to wait-on anything. I'm all about right now.

But recently I experienced a situation where for various and lengthy reasons I wasn't able to articulate to the person how I felt, how angry, hurt and saddened I was by their actions. It took such an unexpected toll on me. I was angry about the situation so I ended up angry about everything else, since I couldn't talk to the person I wanted/needed to talk to I didn't want to talk to anyone. My spirit was so heavy, I felt toxic, like I was making myself ill carrying around all these emotions. I didn't talk about the situation to anyone else because i've always felt like if you aren't going to tell the person that made you mad about your anger then what is the point of discussing your anger at all, what point is served if your telling ppl who have no ability to help the situation.

So I held it in.

When I was finally able to talk to the person and tell them how I felt and why I felt that way, it was such a sweet release, I could finally let go of the anger and the hurt. My mere statement of feelings by no means provided any resolution to our situation, and I was never under the belief that it would, but once I said my peace i was in a place where I could actually hear what they needed to say to me.

Funny thing is if they had taken the dailyOM's advice in the first place this entire situation wouldn't have existed.

As usual I'm right...lol

19th Grade

It all started with Eric Lytle. The year was 1986. We attended Coyote Canyon Elementary School, and we were both in Mrs. Smith's kindergarten class. Beginning from day one Eric and I vyed for the top spot in the class. He was so smug, and certain that his boyhood made him infinitely smarter then me. I'll admit he won many of the battles, I often came in second to his scores. But in 6th grade I won the war-I was asked to skip 7th grade. He was livid, I took great pleasure in informing him that my maturity level in combination with my academics were the reason given for the catapult to 8th grade. I don't think Eric ever recovered, I know that I never stopped gloating.
Fast forward 10+ years. I'm a lawyer. Its a job. I do it because it pays me and because I like the work involved. I'm not a rocket scientist, I haven't cured cancer, I don't race stock cars, I go to work, read stuff, and give my opinion. I had no idea the effect my job title would have on my interactions with men or how at 25 I'd still be embroiled in a competition a la Eric v. Jennifer k-6.
Lately it seems all my conversations with men follow this general pattern:

They: What do you do?
I'm a lawyer
They: REALLY. Wow. Well I'm a professional too, I do __________. I mean I'm thinking about going back to school but_________. But I mean I make good money, etc....How old are you?
25
They: wow....(more exploratory questions) So you have a roommate?
No
They: so you live by yourself?
Yep
They: well what kind of car do you drive?
Honda civic
They: (usually some gesture of relief along with some variation of:) OH well I drive a (insert car that is better then 2000 Honda Civic-which incidentally is almost any car).
ok.

I've had almost this exact conversation more times then I care to remember and each time I ask the same question at the end-"I'm sorry, are we in some sort of competition?" And even though the verbal answer is always no, all other indications seem to point to the contrary.
It starts with the job and/or eduation, when and/or if they feel like they can't compete on that level we move on to living situation, if they feel like thier living situation isn't up to par then we devolve to the type of car that I drive. It amazes me the amount of confidence they regain when the figure out that their car is better then mine, like they've won something, like they can go back to feeling good about themselves, and I am now once again attainable.

What is with that?

In their defense these same men claim that a professional woman doesn't intimidate them, that they would be ok if their girl/wife made more money them etc. But that sentiment doesn't ring true when they interrogate me to find a "chink" in my supposed armor.
I had this conversation on Saturday and on Monday I went looking for a new car, and I thought to myself what happens when I get a new car? Will my job, living situation, and car conspire to break the spirit of every man I meet from now on? Is it a requirement that a man have or do something "better" then a woman for him to feel secure? Many argue that men need to feel needed by their women, and when that isn't the case gender roles are reversed and take a toll on the relationship.

That's dumb.